Not sure how to handle DH and his job situation

[Concernedabouthubby]

DH was made redundant in July. It hit him really badly and to make matters worse, he kept appealing and applying for loads of jobs in the same organisation. He kept getting turned down.
I told him to apply outside ( as the other people at risk of redundancy had done) but he didn't. When finally he got to the end of the road with them, he got despondent and wasn't sleeping. He was put on anti depressants. He kept saying he was never going to get a job because he was terrible at interviews ( he isn't but it was becoming a self fulfilling prophecy)
Anyway he got an interview for 2 jobs and just went OTT planning and prepping for each interview. He didn't come out for days going over the same thing unless I forced him out. He got the first job but turned it down as he was worried the money wasn't enough. Fine. He would have had to do a lot of training, too. This second job he was offered yesterday. When I came home from work he said he wasn't sure about it because of ' logistics' The logistics are that he has to go to a different office which is either 4 minutes drive down the road, get a different bus from the one he would have to get to the original place or cycle 5 minutes longer. He is an accomplished cyclist and cycles 30+ miles at the weekend. I said if you really don't want to do it, you'll have to apply for another job. The hiring officer basically told him that he could apply for another post but would have to interview again, but he said he couldn't cope with another interview.
I know he sounds depressed but I don't think not having a job, considering the job loss triggered hus depression in the first place would be helpful, but I'm not sure what I should do. I told him his choices would be to accept the job or apply for another job, so he accepted it but is still going over andvover the to me non-existent logistics. DS has had a to reassess his options as a result of gcses and all of this has been left to me while he obsessed endlessly over this job interview, now he doesn't want it. I'm not sure how to handle it.

It was 201. It came down while he was admitted but he's basically zombie like. He's spoken to the mental health nurse atvthe hodpital, he was discharged and I've already had to call 111 because he had suicidal thoughts. I'm sleeping (not sleeping) downstairs on the sofa.

He is a grown man though.
He can phone a therapist himself. He's still able to make phone calls, right?

Focus on the teenagers who need parenting.

Tell your DH you'll be focusing on the children who need parenting, so he needs to get help for himself.

Get him to ring the GP tomorrow not you.

You have to make him responsible for his own care.
If he doesn't want help, then leave him to it and go about your own business.

I am worried about the kids. They start back at school on Thursday, one is starting 6th form. I don't want them to be affected by this. I don't know what to do for the best

Stop reading comments from people who have not read all your pists. The situation is too far advanced for all that tough love stuff.

He really needs to be hospitalized and given round the clock care if that is possible. He needs to be sectioned under the mental health regs not treated just for the high blood pressure.

Your family is in crisis and the children can not be protected from that reality. The most important thing is to get your dh the care he needs.

So he applied for 2 jobs, got offered both of them, now inventing reasons not to take either. It is tough love time.

I don't know how it has come to this. Last Monday we had a picnic in the woods with friends, and a week later we're here.
I'm not sure if I should start posting in the mental health board. It seems like there's lots if places to call if you are having a crisis but not if your partner is having a crisis. This is all I can think of at the moment. I'm exhausted myself now. I have to go away for a week for work in 2 weeks. I don't know how he'll be then, but if I go financially it would be good for us, and money is one of the things he's catastrophising about. My MIL was coming down anyway while I was away, but she's offered to come down earlier, so I might take her up on the offer. She said to go if I need to. She has experience from.fil of this.

Several good ideas here. Either post in MH or have this moved by MNHQ. Get your MiL to come to help and concentrate on your upcoming trip. Hopefully your DH gets the care he needs.

I'm so sorry to hear how your husband has deteriorated so dramatically.

Extraordinary that the hospital wouldn't help with his mental health. I hope you can get an emergency appointment with someone more clued up.

But don't neglect yourself - and accept (and ask for!) for all the help you can get. 💐

Sounds like anxiety, ruminating on things, over procrastination. My DH went down this path at one point and needed antidepressants.

Sorry just read the whole thread. My DH found the mental health practitioner helpful to talk to at the gp surgery. It sounds like he is extremely anxious. Probably would benefit from sertraline but don't know if his blood pressure situation has now complicated that.
I really feel for you. It's hard. I've been the main earner since I realised ( we realised) my DH was suffering with anxiety and couldn't cope with stress at work. He is now in a different job but took a big pay cut.

Thanks. It's not that the hospital didn't help more that there was no one there to prescribe meds. He spoke to the mh practitioner who referred him it was just last night was hairy.
@timetodecide thanks. Yes I think he will have to work up through part time work etc. How long before your dh felt better?

It took about 6 months. It was almost like PTSD from a stressful work situation. He has to really be careful now and I also keep an eye on his work situation. He started pottery classes as a way of winding down ( but we are probably older than you).

@Delphiniumandlupins having looked atvthe mental health board I think I'll keep this here, as some of the answers are a bit harsh if people read it on there, and it is about my relationship rather than me.

Can I ask a question? I can't seem to get an answer. As I mentioned, I have to go on a work trip in 2 weeks time. It's been planned for ages, and if I don't go then other people would have wasted their time and money ( property transaction abroad and they won't get their money back on insurance, I wouldn't have thought) I'll be gone for a week. DH is really catastrophising about me going away, saying he won't be able to look after the kids and catastrophising about them not being able to go to school or what happens in an emergency and how they will be taken into care because he cant look after them. Its all completely irrational. I tried to put his mind at ease by doing a Tesco online shop and delivery with all the food for packed lunches and dinners. The freezer is chock full of food but he says there is no food in the house. His mum has a car and she will be here the whole time. I've asked the kids and they said I should go. I really don't know what to do. He got a prescription for Sertraline today. I've made him fo some drawing but he doesn't seem to want to try any techniques to get out of his head.

Is your question 'should I go on my work trip?' If your mum is there then I can't see what the problem is. The worry before you go is probably going to be greater than just getting on with it when you have gone. What worries you? He will neglect the kids or is your worry about something happening to him?

Go on your work trip, no guilt.

I'm sympathetic to him but He needs to understand that life continues. You need to earn the money because he isn't able, you don't have the luxury of choice here. He has his mum too.

I’m going back to pre-Covid here - but when I was in a similar-ish situation to your DH (hospitalised) I was offered daily visits from the MH team (I actually turned them down - but they were offered).

i would prepare to go on uour trip - things may look different in a week or two and also his mum will be there.

I'm more worried about the kids and him catastrophising about it, but I guess he'll catastrophise about something else and this is just the focus now. I'm also worried about the kids emotionally coping with it. They will be at school all day and their grandmother is staying. They are 16 and 14 and can make their own meals if they have to. I will zoom them every evening.

The hospital referred him fir psych counselling on a 12 week programme so hopefully they will see him soon too.
How are you n̈ow?

It sounds as if your mil is used to working in this sort of crisis. Your dcs have their gran there for support so the two of you together should hopefully be enough support. Good luck to your dcs, especially your 16 yo starting 6th form. My dd is the same age.