Not sure how to handle DH and his job situation

[Concernedabouthubby]

DH was made redundant in July. It hit him really badly and to make matters worse, he kept appealing and applying for loads of jobs in the same organisation. He kept getting turned down.
I told him to apply outside ( as the other people at risk of redundancy had done) but he didn't. When finally he got to the end of the road with them, he got despondent and wasn't sleeping. He was put on anti depressants. He kept saying he was never going to get a job because he was terrible at interviews ( he isn't but it was becoming a self fulfilling prophecy)
Anyway he got an interview for 2 jobs and just went OTT planning and prepping for each interview. He didn't come out for days going over the same thing unless I forced him out. He got the first job but turned it down as he was worried the money wasn't enough. Fine. He would have had to do a lot of training, too. This second job he was offered yesterday. When I came home from work he said he wasn't sure about it because of ' logistics' The logistics are that he has to go to a different office which is either 4 minutes drive down the road, get a different bus from the one he would have to get to the original place or cycle 5 minutes longer. He is an accomplished cyclist and cycles 30+ miles at the weekend. I said if you really don't want to do it, you'll have to apply for another job. The hiring officer basically told him that he could apply for another post but would have to interview again, but he said he couldn't cope with another interview.
I know he sounds depressed but I don't think not having a job, considering the job loss triggered hus depression in the first place would be helpful, but I'm not sure what I should do. I told him his choices would be to accept the job or apply for another job, so he accepted it but is still going over andvover the to me non-existent logistics. DS has had a to reassess his options as a result of gcses and all of this has been left to me while he obsessed endlessly over this job interview, now he doesn't want it. I'm not sure how to handle it.

counselling - I'd try Relate . They mainly do couples counselling BUT it could help if you went together & you said in front of a neutral person how the situation makes you feel.

@Baseline14 thank you. I'm glad that the job routine helped your DH. It does give me hope! DH has been wfh which I think is part of the anxiety, that now he thinks he will be late all the time if he has to go out to work, and is worried about missing buses, driving, parking, etc. I think mentally, the routine and separation of work and home will be better for him. He's always been crap at it, whereas I wfh at 5, shut the computer and go and make dinner, he will just go on and on unless I tell him to do something. Which he should be able to do himself. It doesn't come naturally to me either and I have to have a routine. Otherwise, I'm horrifically disorganised. It's annoying that he can't do the same.( which I know is unfair but still)

He needs professional help. If you love him help him. If not take the classic Mumsnet view that depression etc is only acceptable for women and kick him out.

I think you are also catastrophising.

You don’t want him to be an anxiety ridden mess dependent on you and depriving your DC. Understandable.

That isn’t where he is yet. With the right support this will be a blip and you’ll be back to normal.

Don't assume a crisis is going to become a chronic problem. That’s like him ditching you for having appendicitis.

Give yourselves a chance. You too are over reacting to the current situation. Take a breath. Don’t panic.

Yes I think you are probably right. I think I was relying on everything being back to normal when he got a job, and it was a major shock when he got a job, and instead of it all being OK it got worse. Added to the ' I can't get there/I won't be able to organise myself in the morning/ I won't be able to work in the office ' it just threw a curveball. Part of it is that his dad had a breakdown when he was a similar age to DS2 and it fucked him up as his dad's reaction was to become verbally aggressive. He was also a raging alcoholic. Neither of those things apply but I dont want the cycle to be repeated

I think medication short term just so he can function well enough to get and keep a job then counselling long term would help.

I agree with this. It can be that he is depressed & giving him ultimatum can make him think 'whats the point of all of this' . I'd be v careful when handling the situation. I think a counsellor could advise.

Yes this is what I am worried about. I took the kids swimming and made him go. He normally does about an hour in the pool but did 4 lengths then got out, I told him to go for a walk and he was back in 5 minutes do I've just dropped him off to the emergency GP as I think it's gone way beyond what I can do. Hopefully they'll give him some meds.

Well the emergency GP sent him straight to hospital where he was admitted overnight for high blood pressure. They keep telling him to relax but aren't giving him anything for the anxiety, which surely is the underlying cause of the hbp! The doctor said he wanted to take a ' holistic approach ' to the anxiety, which is all very well if hes able to even understand whats going on, which at the moment he doesnt seem to. I don't know what they are doing today as it's the weekend. They didn't even give him any sedatives so he's had no sleep which is making the blood pressure worse. I have to go on a work trip in 2 weeks which I can't get out of, especially as it looks like I'm going to be the only one with a job for the foreseeable.

This must be very stressful for you - I can't even imagine!

Were you able to talk to any doctors at the hospital at all and try and explain the situation, including the need for sedation and/or medication to address his anxiety? I think sometimes one has to be really insistent. Have they at least managed to bring his blood pressure down?

No I couldn't get through to the hospital and visiting hours aren't until 2. I expected them to at least give him a sedative last night. I might give them a call this morning but the doctor isn't coming in until this afternoon. From what he said, the blood pressure isn't down either.

Oh gosh how stressful for you. Hopefully the hospital won’t just patch him up and send him away. Do you have any family, who could help?

I would insist on being there when the doctor attends and talk to them. What specialty is he under? He may need a psychologist or psychiatrist consult.

Don't let them fob you off. He needs a coherent treatment plan, not just mechanical BP reduction.

I would guess he hasn't told them the half of it.

GP over the weekend with hindsight probably wasn't the best option as they aren't in a position to refer for counselling, start antidepressants etc - it's more of a 'is your life at risk now' service.

He'll be under the medics who definitely won't want someone in long with 'only' high blood pressure. And again won't be referring for counselling etc, they will do his blood pressure and that's about it.

When he's back home I'd suggest you take him to your Mon-Fri GP practice and actually go with him to see the GP so if he doesn't talk about his anxiety, you do.

Yes I'll call the hospital and see whether I can go in earlier. Yes they kept saying ' try to relax!' to get his blood pressure down which is useless advice at the best of times! I will speak to someone tomorrow morning at the GP and try and get an emergency appointment if he's out of hospital.

I would guess he hasn't told them the half of it.
@AnnaMagnani yes you were right. The mental health nurse had been in there for about 5 minutes when I got there and he hadn't told her anything really, so luckily I git there. He's discharged and hopefully will get an urgent medical appointment tomorrow. Hope the drugs work. It's just madness trying to talk to him about anything.

Edited as irrelevant after updates.

What drugs did they give him?

Just Amplodine for high BP. No anti anxiety meds. Have to go to the GP for that. I can't belive this has descended into this so quickly

Can you suggest that he takes the job to get back in the routine of working but then to keep applying for others?

@lazzapazza I'm afraid it's gone way beyond that now and the situation has deteriorated quite badly.

I have no idea what to suggest. You have been very gentle with him but he might need something firmer.

Can you lock his bike up until he accepts the job.😬

I'm just hoping I can get him an emergency appointment for him tomorrow, and that it gets a little better at least.

How high was his bp? Hospitalisation sounds like something else causing it rather than anxiety. Mines had to be upwards of 200 to be admitted

Perfectly possible to get your SBP up above 200 if you are having a panic attack - and then white coat syndrome will push it up again every time it’s checked.