Demanding my phone or the relationship is over

[Thewrongsideof40]

I have been with my partner on and off for five years. He has a habit of ending the relationship or walking out and not talking to me for weeks before I try and coax him back round or he would call me names and blame me for him having to leave me, and I shouldn’t keep giving him reasons to leave.
Last year he ended the relationship because I was due to give him a lift for a day out with his mates and he never committed to the time and expected me to wait around until he decided if he was actually going. I was supposed to be going for my Sunday lunch with family which he knew and he went absolutely crazy when I said look I’m going for my dinner. Expecting him to ring and say right I’m ready can you take me as my parents live only minutes away. He left me.
we got back together after a nine month break and my male friend from school who I did have a relationship with 30 years ago but we remained friends was texting me as we have done on and off for years. My partner saw the notification and went to bed. The next day he questioned me on who it was. I have mentioned him as a friend to my partner but that wasn’t enough. He said if I didn’t show him my phone there and then he would end the relationship. Que the name calling and how I’m a charlatan and a cheat and a liar. It’s my mate and he’s married and lives nowhere near me. This time two years ago I’d found out he was texting his ex and another female friend who would ring him at night and they’d discuss her losing her husband and he was helping her. When I found out I asked to see his phone and he said if I ever looked at his phone ( I did slyly read some messages and I admitted that to him and apologised) he said he would end the relationship if I ever looked at his phone again.
Am I being controlled or is he right to demand my phone?

Tell him to fuck off. Seriously, go and live a happy peaceful life x

Let this be it OP.

He will try and hoover you back in and some point. He will mess around collecting his stuff. Don’t fall for it.

My friend had all her exs stuff delivered by a man with a van to stop all the extra trips to collect. Might be worth considering if he doesn’t show on Friday.

Do some research to find a counsellor who has an available slot tomorrow or Friday.

Let it be over for good. He of course will be expecting you to apologise and make it up so he can come back. That’s how the abusive cycle works isn’t it?

You will be better off without him. You have to see him for what he really is rather than what you want him to be.

I know it will be hard, but you must stay strong!

Christ…. I feel like the thousandth person but leave for the love of god

I was with a guy that created drama and randomly dumped me, and ashamed to say I also “coaxed him round” it’s absolutely mentally draining and painful, and I’m sure you’ve cried many tears over him. He uses abandonment as a weapon, and he sounds like a narcissist, as it’s what they do. They go off to seek other pleasures but they can’t leave unless they’ve made it your fault, they need your head to be full of them and working overtime to “make it right”. As they have no conscience, they are generally screwing around while you are sat at home crying. The phone stuff is likely projections, they are not trustworthy so they find is hard to trust that others are. I’d suggest you don’t waste years if your life like I did, as the same pattern will continue to repeat over and over again

I am flabbergasted that you feel the need to write a post asking for other people’s opinions - Jesus Christ. Sometimes I feel like I’m in some weird parallel universe. Of course he’s not right, he’s a prick and you should leave, yesterday.

If nothing else gets you to stay away from him
Then think of your children and potential grandchildren. This must be such a bad example to set and worrying for them.

Something else to stop you from ever taking him back - how much wuld you have to despise someone to treat them the way he treats you? That tells you all you need to know about what he really feels about you.

And that's not on you, it's on him - HE is the faulty human who is so up his own arse that he thinks he can treat people like this.

You wuld never want this relationship for someone you loved, so why are you wanting it for yourself? What does that say about how you feel about you?

Time to put all the energy you have been putting into him, and start putting it into loving yourself instead. you are so much more worthy of your love than he is.

This is not a good relationship with occasional problems. It's a bad relationship with occasional good bits, just enough good times to sucker you back in. Someone who loves you wouldn't treat you like this, someone who dislikes you does.

End it & tell him to shut the door on the way out

Having this damaged and damaging no-hoper out of your life will be the making of you.

Block him - he will try to hoover you back. Stay strong.

I only read the first paragraph and that was enough to say LTB. I know there will be great days too that keep you going back to him but please don't waste your life on this man. My ex treated me like the first paragraph and then he left me while pregnant.
I'm happier as a stressed tired single mum to a toddler than I was with him.

Listen to or read Matthew hussey 'love life' who has a great chapter on leaving relationships like this x