Demanding my phone or the relationship is over

[Thewrongsideof40]

I have been with my partner on and off for five years. He has a habit of ending the relationship or walking out and not talking to me for weeks before I try and coax him back round or he would call me names and blame me for him having to leave me, and I shouldn’t keep giving him reasons to leave.
Last year he ended the relationship because I was due to give him a lift for a day out with his mates and he never committed to the time and expected me to wait around until he decided if he was actually going. I was supposed to be going for my Sunday lunch with family which he knew and he went absolutely crazy when I said look I’m going for my dinner. Expecting him to ring and say right I’m ready can you take me as my parents live only minutes away. He left me.
we got back together after a nine month break and my male friend from school who I did have a relationship with 30 years ago but we remained friends was texting me as we have done on and off for years. My partner saw the notification and went to bed. The next day he questioned me on who it was. I have mentioned him as a friend to my partner but that wasn’t enough. He said if I didn’t show him my phone there and then he would end the relationship. Que the name calling and how I’m a charlatan and a cheat and a liar. It’s my mate and he’s married and lives nowhere near me. This time two years ago I’d found out he was texting his ex and another female friend who would ring him at night and they’d discuss her losing her husband and he was helping her. When I found out I asked to see his phone and he said if I ever looked at his phone ( I did slyly read some messages and I admitted that to him and apologised) he said he would end the relationship if I ever looked at his phone again.
Am I being controlled or is he right to demand my phone?

He has definitely suffered trauma as a child and had a difficult upbringing and has had absolutely no long term relationships which last more than a year. I am not making excuses but after we went to counselling which lasted three sessions before we argued about it as I was unhappy with his rude comments about me, he cancelled all the sessions. The counsellor spent a lot of time going through his early attachments and childhood issues. It was interesting but we never got to the part where we had anything useful to apply to the relationship or for him to work on.

OP joint counselling always fails in abusive people.
It should be avoided because they cannot engage, and then blame the other partner and the counsellor.

Good God, find your self respect and get rid. You really don’t deserve this absurd behaviour, which will only become worse.

He only started behaving like this when we started up again. Took a few months and then I asked about a female friend he obsessively talked about thinking why he with me if he’s interested in her and he blew up saying I was mental and jealous and she was an amazing person. Obviously gas lighting me and making me feel insecure and not as important as his female friend but I put it down to a misunderstanding and we were great for a year and then something else happened and it keeps happening. He moved in with me and sold his house and must have packed up his belongings to leave me on a few occasions the last time I just let him leave and now he blames me for throwing him out as I stood up to him and said I can’t put up with this behaviour anymore.

He's not an amazing person. He's an arsehole who periodically puts on an act to keep you hooked. The nasty name calling control freak is the real him.

He is responsible for addressing the trauma in his past - and if that trauma means that he can't maintain a healthy relationship then that's on him. It is not your responsibility to try and fix him - because you can't.

Love yourself enough to admit that you deserve better.

He had said it’s not a competition and accused me of trying to outdo him. Toldbthe counsellor that is cost him his house. The house he’d worked for and as he’d not been handed everything on a plate like I had. I haven’t but have received a lot of financial support from my family, that material things meant nothing to me. I told him that was out of order and I was offended by it but he said he can say what he likes about me in counselling regardless of how I feel. So he then cancelled all the rest and said I was always using him for things because he’d said he’d pay.
the counsellor had spent three full sessions on him and his difficulties as a child and family issues and he accused me of being jealous that the spot light wasn’t on me!

I had emotional and sexual abuse as a child/teenager and I would NEVER treat anyone like this. In fact my experiences have made me more compassionate if anything. If the abuse he suffered turned him into a narcissistic personality then I am afraid there is no coming back from that. He won't change and your life will continue in this way. Has he made you cry? The last boyfriend I had who made me cry was sent packing. It's emotional abuse and shouldn't be tolerated.

Exactly this. My childhood was a dumpster fire yet I wouldn’t dream of treating anyone the way your bf treats you, OP.

Past trauma is NOT an excuse.

But he proves me wrong on so many occasions it’s getting harder to convince myself.

But why @Thewrongsideof40 are you trying to convince yourself? You've outlined in this thread all the awful things he's doing and saying to you. Surely they should convince you that he's definitely NOT 'the one'!

Once he leaves and we get into a text war of me trying to get him to see sense and him being absolutely irrational and rude. I cry because it’s so irrational and I can’t comprehend it or understand why you’d say things like, at least she (female friend) is loyal and would do anything for me. You won’t even go to the shops! Calling me names and telling me I’m not a good person.
ive spent a lot of my time trying to justify myself and I told him when I took back my phone he had a fucking nerve and I’d never ever justify myself to him again. I did via text but you get nowhere.

Yes, you are being controlled. It's not your job to sort him out. I can't see why you would repeatedly coax him back.

Easier said than done but you need to block him and get counselling.

It feels like he’s gone off on a tangent and got the wrong end of the stick and I try to make him see that what he’s thinking isn’t right. But ultimately I know now I’m wasting my time.
i have a lot of his belongings stored for him. I paid for storage and now it’s all in my parents shed. Of course he’s asked for them back and as we’ve done in the past when he’s demanded his belongings I’ve got upset because I don’t want him to leave me. I always wanted him to come back and sort it out. Which we always did.

You have massively over inflated this in your own mind. What you are describing is not love or a romantic movie. It sounds exhausting and toxic.

People that accept this treatment and really REALLY poor behaviour from love interests are often the children of a parent that made them "earn" love and affection. As children they often felt like they were not quite good enough and had to try better, to do better and persuade the parents to love them. The process of earning/proving that affection becomes entwined with the pay off of feeling loved when you finally get the reward of a pat on the head or a cuddle. In reality it's a carrot / stick situation and you will never ever feel happiness and contentment or even true love as he doesn't love you and simply enjoys making you dance to his tune. You are looking for love, and he is looking for conflict and control.

You can not win with a person like this. They will eat you up and spit out your shell. And you know this on some level but are still persuading yourself it's love and the romance of your life. But it's not.

Get therapy and work on improving your self esteem. You are worth so much more than this sad loser.

I think writing it down and saying it out loud which I never did before is showing me what I already know. He can’t be in a relationship and he’s not got the right to treat me this way. I let him.

I agree with lots of this. I am so close with my family and we’ve always been supportive of each other. However my partner does often say to me I need to earn his respect and says he is loyal and respectful and I need to go learn respect or look in the mirror to find out who the problem is.
i have allowed him to become this awful awful person. Hoping he will change and be the things he promises and appears on the surface.

@Thewrongsideof40 - as PPs have said, he’s abusive. There is a cycle of abuse where the abuser behaves abusively followed by the abuser behaving well. The good behaviour (and what you describe is just what a normal, decent partner does) feels particularly good because of the contrast with the incredibly shitty behaviour.

And you’ve been particularly vulnerable to it because you have romantic notions about him being “the one” (there is no “one”; for all of us there are several people with whom we can have good relationships, provided we’re functional) and “having always loved him”. That is romantic claptrap, OP. You actually owed it to yourself to extinguish the love you felt for him first time round when he treated you so badly. However, it actually sounds like you ended your marriage because you encountered him again.

You sound fabulous, btw. Read “Women Who Love Too Much”. Get this guy gone and keep him gone.

The funny thing is he leaves and blocks me. Deleted me from his phone and unfollowed all my friends and family. Wanted all tags from Facebook without his name attached as he didn’t want anyone to see his name in connection to mine! What even is that?

And any partner who says you have to earn their respect - that’s disgusting talk. That’s how misogynists talk. You should be repelled by him.

I’ve never understood it and he’s said it a few times in temper.
hes a fun person and has a great social life and loads of friends. Friends from years ago. So he has got good points but in a relationship he can’t seem to control his need to run away and kick out like a scared child.

Thank you. There’s lots here that I agree with. I met him again whilst going through a divorce so while he wasn’t the catalyst for me leaving my marriage I most certainly was emotional and vulnerable and we weren’t together until a year after I filed for divorce. Still isn’t a good time to get involved with someone and he got too involved in the legal fight that followed which caused some issues too.

LTB

Not sure if it’s running away and kicking out like “a scared child” as you put it - I think you’re going easy on him and making excuses there. It sounds like it’s more to do with controlling you than being a scared traumatised victim who is unable to cope with their emotions. And, irrespective of that, why is it ok for you to be taking the blame and being punished for whatever feelings or situations he is apparently struggling to deal with? Scared child or not, it’s unacceptable. He neeeds to grow tf up, get counselling if that’s the case, but like I stated earlier, I think it’s more to do with control and emotional blackmail than anything else. He’s just a nasty man who enjoys making you feel “less than”.

Print out this thread- better yet, bullet-point a list - and hang it somewhere you see it daily/bear wherever you'd be when you're tempted to contact him. Also, change your locks.

You only get one life. Is it a case that you are someone who has to have a man? No matter how shit he is. Surely being single has to be better than this abuse.