Demanding my phone or the relationship is over

[Thewrongsideof40]

I have been with my partner on and off for five years. He has a habit of ending the relationship or walking out and not talking to me for weeks before I try and coax him back round or he would call me names and blame me for him having to leave me, and I shouldn’t keep giving him reasons to leave.
Last year he ended the relationship because I was due to give him a lift for a day out with his mates and he never committed to the time and expected me to wait around until he decided if he was actually going. I was supposed to be going for my Sunday lunch with family which he knew and he went absolutely crazy when I said look I’m going for my dinner. Expecting him to ring and say right I’m ready can you take me as my parents live only minutes away. He left me.
we got back together after a nine month break and my male friend from school who I did have a relationship with 30 years ago but we remained friends was texting me as we have done on and off for years. My partner saw the notification and went to bed. The next day he questioned me on who it was. I have mentioned him as a friend to my partner but that wasn’t enough. He said if I didn’t show him my phone there and then he would end the relationship. Que the name calling and how I’m a charlatan and a cheat and a liar. It’s my mate and he’s married and lives nowhere near me. This time two years ago I’d found out he was texting his ex and another female friend who would ring him at night and they’d discuss her losing her husband and he was helping her. When I found out I asked to see his phone and he said if I ever looked at his phone ( I did slyly read some messages and I admitted that to him and apologised) he said he would end the relationship if I ever looked at his phone again.
Am I being controlled or is he right to demand my phone?

He's a foul narcissist and you are trauma bonded to him.

If he loved you he would not treat you like this. Even the first break up he showed who he was.

I think you need some counselling as I think you'll struggle to leave this arsehole unless you understand why you keep letting him treat you like this.

It's exhausting reading this. Relationships should not be this hard. He is not amazing. He is an abusive arse. Surely being single is better then entertaining this man child.

I know it seems odd but when we are together it’s so amazing

Nothing you have described is amazing, including the 'good stuff' which is just part of being in a relationship eg putting furniture together and giving you lifts

There is no part of what you have described that people would be envious of, or your children should look to emulate, or you couldn't do better than.

Please can you quote people when you're replying, OP.

He's love bombing and gaslighting you - https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing

No relationship, no matter what the highs, are worth the lows and the abuse.

Be grateful that you're not married and you have your own place (I assume, from your comment about him helping paint). Be prepared, however, for the threats that will come when you break up with him ("I'm nothing without you - life isn't worth living", etc, etc).

Don't be fooled.

There is a reason you're his longest relationship and he's never been married or had kids. It's him, not you.

I have loved him since the first time we were together over 20 years ago and maybe that’s built into something he can’t be anymore. I never stop loving him and he always tried and makes out the reasons he left or was angry are because of something I’ve done and tells me I should go look in the mirror and I tricked him into selling his home as we’d talked of building together so he sold to raise money but then left me. I decided building with him wasn’t an opinion in case he left again and so he says I led him up the garden path and caused him to loose his home!

If it's only amazing when you are obedient and quash your own needs and expect nothing from him then it's not really amazing is it

That's the bare minimum, and you're saying he only gives that sometimes. He has convinced you he treats you like a princess but he really doesn't.

Read a book called 'why does he do that' and please get counselling for yourself

Exactly this! Please find a therapist, OP. You deserve so much better.

And it's not "meant to be". If it were meant to be, it would have been so the first time around. And he would not be treating you so badly by toying with your emotions and creating high levels of separation anxiety by leaving on every whim. He is treating you like a toy that he can just pick up and drop whenever he feels like it. That's not how you treat someone you really love.

As PP said, drop the romantic notions. Your eyes have been opened now by his taking your phone off you to check it when he wouldn't let you do the same. Remember that feeling of realisation whenever you are tempted to chase after him or if he deigns to get back in touch with you.

That’s what I thought!

This is the type of constructive comment I was looking for. There’s definitely some form of abuse and I am absolutely devastated when he leaves again as I put my all into it and he seems so happy and loving and then wham!

He is NOT 'the one'.

It would be easy and ALWAYS amazing with 'the one'.

You are clinging onto a romantic notion and allowing yourself to be treated incredibly poorly.

Stoppit.

You must be well in to your 40's. This sounds really childish. Why did you get back with him?

OP, I have no idea of why you ever got back with this abusive man. Of course he can't have your phone! I have been married over 30 years, and my husband wouldn't dream of looking at my phone, nor would I look at his.
Develop some self-respect and ditch him ASAP, please.

I agree. I’ve not heard of trauma bonding I will have a look thank you.

There are other things too obviously it’s hard to condense a relationship into a paragraph but he drove my son to uni five hours from where we live. Paid for the hotels and restaurants the weekend we took him down. Is funny and endearing and obviously can be affectionate and generous but it’s marred by this running away or leaving regularly

I was actually just thinking "Jekyll and Hyde" before you wrote it...
Look, his nice side is possibly very lovely and you may very well love that side, but see the other side...???
I would run a mile if I am completely honest, but I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do. 🌷

This is coercive control (which is now a crime) and abuse.
You know what you need to do.
The ‘nice things’ he does for you, this classic lovebombing. He sounds like a narcissist, it’s all an act.
I beg you to leave him. For the sake of your mental health. Please do not waste another 5 years of your life with this horrible little man.

PLEASE use the quote button!

TheShellBeach
Hi sorry I wasn’t sure how to as it’s my first post. Just googled it.

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound bossy or anything.
🤣

Thank you.

Fuck that, you deserve better than someone who treats you so shittily.

If you want to have your eyes opened even further then demand to see his phone or the relationship is over.

Mate, it's not good enough. Just because it's great sometimes doesn't mean he's not an abusive turd the rest of the time! There is no 'meant to be', that's for fairytales, and staying with a horrible man who treats you poorly because of a fairytale notion is foolish.

Said it before and I'll say it again, a sandwich that's 95% wagyu beef and 5% shit is still a shit sandwich.