Demanding my phone or the relationship is over

[Thewrongsideof40]

I have been with my partner on and off for five years. He has a habit of ending the relationship or walking out and not talking to me for weeks before I try and coax him back round or he would call me names and blame me for him having to leave me, and I shouldn’t keep giving him reasons to leave.
Last year he ended the relationship because I was due to give him a lift for a day out with his mates and he never committed to the time and expected me to wait around until he decided if he was actually going. I was supposed to be going for my Sunday lunch with family which he knew and he went absolutely crazy when I said look I’m going for my dinner. Expecting him to ring and say right I’m ready can you take me as my parents live only minutes away. He left me.
we got back together after a nine month break and my male friend from school who I did have a relationship with 30 years ago but we remained friends was texting me as we have done on and off for years. My partner saw the notification and went to bed. The next day he questioned me on who it was. I have mentioned him as a friend to my partner but that wasn’t enough. He said if I didn’t show him my phone there and then he would end the relationship. Que the name calling and how I’m a charlatan and a cheat and a liar. It’s my mate and he’s married and lives nowhere near me. This time two years ago I’d found out he was texting his ex and another female friend who would ring him at night and they’d discuss her losing her husband and he was helping her. When I found out I asked to see his phone and he said if I ever looked at his phone ( I did slyly read some messages and I admitted that to him and apologised) he said he would end the relationship if I ever looked at his phone again.
Am I being controlled or is he right to demand my phone?

I fear this is an OP that will mug herself of for the rest of her life buying into this bullshit fairytale with what is essentially an abusive cunt of a substandard man. And that is tragic.

He’s looking for an excuse. You should finish him and move on.

Spot on. Why did you even get back together. Dump him now, this relationship is a complete waste of time and headspace.

My toxic trait is that I see the good in everyone and because he is a good person I always hope we can make things work. However his emotional control and his ability to communicate coupled with losing his mam last year and selling his house to live with me has, I think caused some major issues in his head. He seems to blame me for everything and I just can’t take anymore.

I always find this line confusing.

"Most of the time he's amazing"

You wouldn't put up with that in any other situation.

"I love bacon. It tastes gorgeous but every other time I eat it I vomit"

"These flowers smell lush, except for Tuesdays where they stink of poo"

"I get the train all the time, it's brilliant, except for all the times it doesn't show up"

You'd stop eating bacon, or buying those flowers, or getting the bloody train.

My DP is amazing. Not some of the time, not most of the time, all the time. Yes, sometimes we argue, sometimes she upsets me and vice versa. But when it happens we talk about it like adults, compromise when needed and make up. That's how an amazing person deals with conflict.

Nobody should settle for "amazing" some of the time. I'd rather live without flowers than have my house stink of shit once a week.

You know he's not worth your love and attention. He must be loving having you on this string...

But you know what? Loving someone isn't an automatic pass to staying together no matter what.

You can love someone with all your heart and still make the decision not to be with them because they're bad for you or you're bad together.

And I'll tell you this, no one who ever loved me treated me as your partner does. Not ever. Even the ones that didn't last and weren't actually love relationships didn't treat me with the total lack of care and respect shown by your partner.

You know this, deep down, you've known it for ages. And now that feeling is surfacing. It's time to be kind to yourself. Time to free yourself from thinking you're somehow enslaved. Because you aren't. You can leave him any time and for any reason. You don't need his agreement, permission or him saying it first.

Everyone has their good points but he doesn't have enough. I know it won't be easy - you're getting into the right headspace to finish though. I mean, do you want to spend your life being treated like that.

Good luck 🌻

Even Hitler had his good points.

Does not mean that this is a relationship you should be in.

I have been with my partner on and off for five years. He has a habit of ending the relationship or walking out and not talking to me for weeks ...

^^ That is how far I needed to read before knowing it is an abusive relationship that you should run a million miles from.

Your boundaries and concept of what a healthy loving relationship looks like are way off-kilter. Therapy, the Freedom Programme, and review your friends/family network for other toxic dynamics which normalise this behaviour and keep you stuck.

He does it because he can. Because it hurts you. Because it makes you desperate to get him back.

Next time he does it. Block him the fuck back on everything and never speak to him again.

Also it was his decision to sell his house. He could have rented it out for a while. Stop letting him use that as any kind of excuse for any of this shit. If the extent of his childhood abuse has made a narcissist of him, he will never be any better than this because he was damaged psychologically too early on for it to be fixed now. Otherwise, it’s all just another excuse to be a twat.

Honestly OP if you don’t knock this on the head it will go on like this forever.

Please get some individual counselling so you can start seeing it for what it objectively is and move on.

Yes this really bothers me - so you have to earn his respect?

So, how do you do this?
How long will it take?
How will you know when you've earned it?
Can it be rescinded (when he doesn't get his own way presumably)?
In the meantime, whilst you are "earning" it, does it mean he can treat you like shit?

No thanks.

He struggles emotionally because he's a dick. You don't have to be around while he is being one.

All the things you’ve listed as to why he’s ‘amazing’ some of the time, are also things you say he’s thrown back in your face, shortly before he ups and fucks off. Again.

Why oh why is your bar so low, OP? Tell this head fuck to fuck off for good.

I have been through the same thing staying with him everytime he came back after leaving after we had a disagreement. He passed away unexpectedly which made me grieve so much for him and go through so many emotions. Three years later i was looking in a box with some of his stuff in and found his phone with text messages showing he was having an affair with his ex wife everytime he left he was with her or some other woman. I realised that he didn't give a shit about me and all that time i had been a fool for letting him back in. He really did not care about my feelings he just used me. Yes i know i was stupid for not knowing but i will not have any man treat me like this again i have wasted too many years of unhappiness.Please don't be me and get out of this bad relationship my lovey.

Change your title to "Demanding my phone and the relationship is over" . You don't need him and can do better given the chance

OP:
I hope your next update is that you’ve binned this cunt.
PLEASE.
I’ve been involved with a similar man, and it’s no exaggeration to say I came close to a nervous breakdown.
A few years on, and life is peaceful.
Do it today.

He has ended it with me because I wouldn't show him my phone. He has blocked and deleted me on all social platforms as well as my family members and any of my friends.
So as he’s due to collect his belongings this Friday that’s that.
only what normally happens is he doesn’t come to collect his things or he collects some of his things and leaves some where they are and then after a few weeks or months, he messages me to remind me of things and share the odd photo. However he assumes me he has deleted them all too.

What, exactly, do you see in this twat?

He has little tantrums, finishes with you, calls you names and expects you to dance to his tune when it suits him. Now demanding you give him your 'phone. What a clown. Is that the best you can do? You don't love him, you think you do and like the idea of being in love. He certainly doesn't love you. Please dump him and focus on your self-esteem. He'll destroy what little you've got.

Good Lord. Look up the cycle of abuse, OP. They are never nasty 100% of the time or they'd never have partners to abuse. You are worth more than this toxic prick. Please, please leave. Mean it this time. Draw a firm line, do not go back (he won't believe you mean it and will keep trying to hoover you back), and get some counselling for YOURSELF ONLY. Make sure you know your worth before you look for another partner.

On Friday have ALL his stuff packed up and waiting outside the front door. Ask your dad, brother, sister etc to come round and you go out. If he turns up they insist he takes it all. If he doesn’t drop it on his doorstep or inform him it’s staying outside and will be taken by charity if not gone Friday.

hes playing you like a fiddle.

read ‘the dominator’ by Lundy Bancroft. It’s a very short easy read but you’ll see him written on every page.

block him on everything, change your locks, change your number if you can easily and do not under any circumstances get in touch again. What he is doing is illegal (emotional abuse, coercive control, verbal abuse)

Your poor children watching all of this. All of this infantilising and minimising of his deeply abusive behaviour.

It’s all at my parents house and fills two sheds. Like a fool I stored it all for him. He will be collecting and I don’t need to be there so I’m happy with that. He will have a date to collect and then the rest goes to the tip.

Don’t give him your phone and don’t let the door hit him on the arse on his way out.

You are doing so well, OP.

I really recognise how amazing these relationships are at times, but that's because no-one would stay with someone who was horrible all the time. Until they have you well and truly ground down, and that's how the relationship ends up.

What helped me to understand how 'the only acceptable level of abuse is none' was the analogy with a sandwich. It's like having the best bread full of your favourite filling - but there's a smidgen of dog poo smeared inside too. Do you still want to eat the sandwich?

Sending that sandwich back for good is the best thing, and I'm glad you are doing it.

If you need wardrobes putting up, hire a handyperson

If you need walls painting, hire a painter

Don't shag either of them no matter how big a cock they have