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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating husband… can we get through it ?

97 replies

Bakingmomma101 · 24/08/2024 22:19

I am married to the love of my life we have 2 babies and we have been together 7 years (married for 2)

Recently it’s come to light that despite lots of denial and lies, he has cheated for the whole of our relationship (KISSING random girls on nights out when absolutely steaming drunk - nothing more than kissing)…. I know of around 7 instances (thanks to some honest people finally coming forward. There is evidence, texts, photos , videos)

Obviously this is heartbreaking. I knew of only one instance which was a year ago when I was 6 months pregnant with our second hut chose to move on obvs because was just about to welcome a new baby! All the instances have occurred during special moments when we have been so happy (close to our wedding, big birthdays , pregnancy etc)

HOWEVER he says he just cannot remember at all what he does when he is drunk and it’s not that he wants to cheat as he loves me and our children so much. He wants our marriage to work. He can’t see his future with anyone but me. We have always been so happy and in love so I’m totally blindsided.

wtf do I do? This man is the love of my life but my feelings have totally changed at the moment as I’m so hurt, but can it be fixed?
he’s completely stopped drinking (since the day I found out, so coming up 4 months now) and we have tried couples therapy too. Also he is a fantastic dad, like seriously. It’s been 4 months of ups and downs and me being totally unsure of our next step, he is still here trying to fix it …. Surely that’s a good thing? Am I being crazy to consider staying?

if you think you know me locally then pls no you do not - wish to be totally anon * xox

OP posts:

Zerogiven · 24/08/2024 22:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

theduchessofspork · 24/08/2024 22:26

I would investigate if it’s just public kissing when drunk - this is weirdly 13 year old behaviour, but probably not impossible to come back from

But I would have a dig

febbabies2023 · 24/08/2024 22:26

Quite frankly I would LTB

BUT for an advice point of view you have to consider

would you ever trust him again?
will he be able to be completely sober from now on basically for eternity as he clearly cannot control himself when drunk
what would you say if this was happening to your son or daughter?
do you want to be with someone who treats you this way?

I understand you love him... but regardless as to whether he's pissed or not, not an excuse. Especially the amount he's done it.

Soonenough · 24/08/2024 22:28

It is so hard . I tried to get over cheating but every time something reminded me like a TV show or a location was mentioned I was angry or sad all over again . The fact that you have such a young family is important. I think couples counselling is necessary for him to really know how hurt you are how he is at risk of losing his family and how important it is to never happen again.

Bekindtoyourselfandothers · 24/08/2024 22:29

I think it's very telling he only gave up drinking after you found out about what he's been up to.

I find it difficult to believe he was so drunk on these occasions he could not remember anything. Besides surely with all these witnesses and photographic evidence etc people must have talked to him about what he did.

Other people know what type of man he is: a womaniser. I wouldn't be able to trust him going forward.

LoudSnoringDog · 24/08/2024 22:32

He's taking the piss

Babbahabba · 24/08/2024 22:33

It seems unlikely he has no recollection at all. It's not just a one off- it's a pattern of behaviour fuelled by something within him. Not everyone does that when they're steaming drunk. It happened repeatedly and he took no action at all to stop doing it again.

It's more likely he did know what he was doing and that it went further than kissing on at least one occasion.

tsmainsqueeze · 24/08/2024 22:34

The love of your life would not do this.
Knowing all this you will never trust him again , in fact he is not worthy of your trust , there would be no going back for me.
He has tainted all your special occasions and also the times when you were at your most vulnerable, i would rather be alone forever than tolerate this.

Betyouthinkthissongisaboutyou · 24/08/2024 22:36

No.

99.99999% sure more than kissing happened too.

SaintHonoria · 24/08/2024 22:37

How can you fix it?

You can't.

The man is a disgusting drunken letch who has forsaken his marriage vows and will stick his tongue down any woman's throat given the chance.

I imagine his tongue has been inside other places too.

If he got drunk once and behave badly and felt utterly disgusted at what he has done and vowed never to behave like that again and didn't, then there are grounds for getting through it.

But he has repeatedly continued to act like a repulsive creep. Over and over.

You won't stop him. You'll have a life time of him doing it, you forgiving him and then him doing it again and again and again.

You've built him up in your mind to believe he is the love of your life. It's like holding a beautiful juicy apple in your hand and taking a bite and it's rotten inside.

He's rotten inside.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 24/08/2024 22:38

I dont think it is necessarily a good thing that he is ‚trying to fix it‘ and wants you to stay. Life is easier for him if you stay and look after the two babies. Being a part time dad with sole responsibility for those babies while you go off out meeting people, kissing people, probably doesn't appeal to him.

on what way is he a fantastic dad?

Azerothi · 24/08/2024 22:39

Has someone else threatened to tell you the whole story, so he's come partially clean?

You need an urgent STI screen and condoms forever with him to preserve your health. The love of your life would not put your health and well being at risk like this. It wasn't just kissing. It never is.

Zerogiven · 24/08/2024 22:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Carrotsandgrapes · 24/08/2024 23:00

He may be the love of your life, but you are clearly not the love of his.

He can't be a fantastic dad, as a fantastic dad wouldn't disrespect and hurt his children's mother.

I would be very, very surprised if this had stopped at kissing.

You could try and save this relationship, but what exactly would you be saving? You and your children deserve better.

dontforgetme · 24/08/2024 23:02

Balls to that. LTB.

2boysandmee · 24/08/2024 23:19

Deep down will you ever trust him again? Once that trust is broken, things will never be the same again. You and your children deserve better! This man has cheated with you throughout your whole relationship, he has absolutely no respect for you! Not to mention cheating when you are at home carrying his unborn child!!

Being drunk and not remembering is not a justifiable reason, he has done this a number of times. If he was that bothered he would have given up drinking after the first time this happened. You deserve better, you deserve respect and this man clearly can't give you either.

unsync · 24/08/2024 23:20

All the instances have occurred during special moments when we have been so happy (close to our wedding, big birthdays , pregnancy etc)

Obviously not special to him though. What a dirtbag. Please think about why you choose to stay with someone who has no regard for you. You deserve much better and so do your children. This is not how a decent person behaves.

kkloo · 24/08/2024 23:25

I couldn't forgive this and what about if he wants to drink again? most likely he will. What about if a stag weekend or something comes up and he really wants to go? Then you'll probably get accused of being controlling and paranoid if you get upset about it.

Why didn't he stop drinking before you found out? Or is he trying to make out that he didn't remember at all that he'd ever cheated and that it was all brand new information to him?

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/08/2024 23:30

He's lying. Get the fuck out of this shitshow before he destroys you. Disclaimer : Been there, done that, so scarred I will never recover.

ShouldIEvenBother · 24/08/2024 23:30

Of course he remembers.

He's a creepy man on the prowl when he goes out. Is he going to stay sober for the rest of his life? Will staying sober be enough to stop him being a letch who is desperate for ego kibbles?

Be with someone who loves and respects you, or be on your own.

Men who love and respect their partner do not turn into disgusting creeps that want to stick their tongues down other womens throats.

I'd bet a years salary it's more than just kissing. Men minimise as much as they can once they are caught.

Get an STI test asap, OP. And if you decide to stay, please go for regular STI screenings 💐

PinkLemonade555 · 24/08/2024 23:36

Seems like you posted here to be told it wasn’t a big deal and it’s great he’s now sober and making steps to change, as reassurance.

I would bet he has done more than kiss people, but I think from the way your post is written you’ll be staying.

Crikeyalmighty · 24/08/2024 23:39

I think the biggest favour you can find yourself is to tell him to bugger off , give you some space, take responsibility for kids, pay his maintenance and you will see how the hand lies in 6 to 12 months - I'm willing to get you with a bloke like this he will be serious about someone else within 4 months and you will be yesterdays news sadly-serial players don't change-

H112 · 24/08/2024 23:39

You would never have know if these people didn't tell you. No way is there seven as obviously there was a discussion about how bad he is. Also he 100% shagged someone else.

kkloo · 24/08/2024 23:43

How did you know of the first instance and how did all of the rest of it come to light? Was this a group of people who thought you had a right to know because he has such a bad reputation for it?

chattyness · 24/08/2024 23:44

There has probably been more than kissing going on but unless someone has evidence of it he will only ever admit to kissing. Seems like he is gaslighting you into thinking it's harmless drunken behaviour -it's not. A leopard can't change his spots, but only you can decide whether to stick it out or kick him out. Good luck with that.

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