Cheating husband… can we get through it ?

[Bakingmomma101]

I am married to the love of my life we have 2 babies and we have been together 7 years (married for 2)

Recently it’s come to light that despite lots of denial and lies, he has cheated for the whole of our relationship (KISSING random girls on nights out when absolutely steaming drunk - nothing more than kissing)…. I know of around 7 instances (thanks to some honest people finally coming forward. There is evidence, texts, photos , videos)

Obviously this is heartbreaking. I knew of only one instance which was a year ago when I was 6 months pregnant with our second hut chose to move on obvs because was just about to welcome a new baby! All the instances have occurred during special moments when we have been so happy (close to our wedding, big birthdays , pregnancy etc)

HOWEVER he says he just cannot remember at all what he does when he is drunk and it’s not that he wants to cheat as he loves me and our children so much. He wants our marriage to work. He can’t see his future with anyone but me. We have always been so happy and in love so I’m totally blindsided.

wtf do I do? This man is the love of my life but my feelings have totally changed at the moment as I’m so hurt, but can it be fixed?
he’s completely stopped drinking (since the day I found out, so coming up 4 months now) and we have tried couples therapy too. Also he is a fantastic dad, like seriously. It’s been 4 months of ups and downs and me being totally unsure of our next step, he is still here trying to fix it …. Surely that’s a good thing? Am I being crazy to consider staying?

if you think you know me locally then pls no you do not - wish to be totally anon * xox

Leave him. He's a cheat. There's no way back, honestly.

I would find it hard to stay in a relationship where this had happened, if he doesn't know what's going on when he's drunk and his friends have told him what happened, with regards to him kissing random women, then if he really gave a shit he'd have stopped getting blind drunk after the first/second time it happened. If your friends told you that you'd kissed a stranger whilst blind drunk, and you couldn't remember, would you not stop getting blind drunk?

How can you trust him? He's had his tongue in other people's mouths and then come home to you 🤢

I wish I had evidence if he had done that… (more than kissing) . I’ll never know I don’t think x

@Bakingmomma101 - I’m sorry you’re in this position. Of course, it’s devastating for you, especially with two tiny DCs.

Unfortunately, this is how your husband rolls. For whatever reason, despite being with you, he thought it was okay to go out on the pull. Being drunk is no excuse - as a PP said, after the first time, he should have gone tee-total. And most of us manage not to snog someone else no matter how drunk we are.

How did the photographic evidence come into being? Why were people taking photos? Was it because they thought this was a huge laugh? Or was it so they had evidence for you? Did your husband know photos were being taken? You don’t have to answer these questions btw; they’re just things that suggest themselves to me as I’m reading.

As to whether you can come back from this: just know that you don’t have to decide yet. In fact, you can’t know yet. Take your time. I think you will probably find you can’t come back from this and that it has irrevocably changed how you feel about him and your relationship but, if he does enough of the right type of work, he may over time be able to mend this. But only time will tell.

He doesn't sound like the love of your life, it certainly doesn't sound like you are his.

You will never be able to relax when he goes out without you. I couldn't live that way, the anxiety and worry will destroy your peace of mind.

He really doesn't love you all that much if all it takes is alcohol to make him persistently kiss other women.

Sending hugs OP as your tale is pretty much the story of my first marriage. Like you, I had babies and - honestly - I tried my very best to "forgive and move on". I just couldn't ever trust him again - I wanted to, but I couldn't. Every single time he said that he was going out with mates I didn't want him to go.
You cannot be in a marriage without trust.
I left him. I just prolonged the pain in staying as long as I did hoping that he would change.
I am now married a second time and have a beautiful 17 year old daughter with my second husband. There is life after cheaters! 🌺

Its bad when 7 people came forward to tell you about his behaviour. How disrespectful to you, the mother of his children to behave like this. He sounds like a sleaze that is desperate for female attention.. Take the time to take him off the pedestal and ask yourself does this guy love you. He sounds like a real sleaze to me. I'm sorry you are in this position OP

My DP is the love of my life but if he did this even once, he’d be history.

There’ll be plenty more than the 7 you know about, and it’ll be more than kissing. With a cheat, the gulf between what they’ve admitted to, and what they’ve actually done, is always massive. He doesn’t love or respect you, and you aren’t respecting yourself if you stay with this piece of shit.

When you talk about these people coming forward to tell you about his behaviour it sounds as though people have been agonising for a long time about telling you.
They have seen his behaviour over a lot years and known he has been cheating on you but have not wanted to be the one to tell you about it: they didn't want to be the one to burst your happiness bubble.
They must have been talking about what to do and finally have decided enough is enough and you have to know.

It paints a horrible picture of how your DH must be regarded in his social circle.

My ex did that. Every night out. Claimed to not remember a thing. I should have left him then but eventually I married him instead. So pissed off at myself for not being brave enough to tell him to fuck off.

If he was bothered about his actions and really had no self control then he would have stopped drinking a long time ago.

The fact that he's only stopped now you've found out means that he enjoyed all the cheating and really doesn't give a shit about you or your marriage. He's just going into self preservation mode.

Don't kid yourself that it's not gone further than kissing and that he will never do anything like this again. This behaviour is ingrained in this type of man and staying with him will destroy your self worth!

OP, do you not think you deserve so much better than him? Imagine your child had a partner like this one day, would you not want more for them? You have to put yourself first. Also, I'm not sure he will ever change!

Ah so he wants to make it up to you does he ? So will he stop drinking and stop going out then ? Start acting like a husband and father instead of a teenage kid ? That would be my ultimatum. If he won't do that. Off he goes. He will do it again.

He isn’t the love of your life. If he was, he wouldn’t have done this.

If he claiming he didn’t know he had done this at all? Until these 7 people came forward?

He kept going out and drinking and kissing people and had no idea he had done it until evidence came to light? This has come as a complete surprise to him? No one ever mentioned to him that he is with someone and cheating when he is drunk?

Or is he saying he went out got drunk kissed someone, can’t remember but found out later, then went out, got drunk and kissed someone again, found out the next day and repeated it over and over again. At no point thinking that he should have quit drinking after the first, or even second one? Only thought to quit drinking once you found out. He knew he had cheated. But continued anyway, because you didn’t know so it was ok.

If he believes it’s ok as long as you don’t know about it, what else has he done? That you don’t yet know. You can’t trust someone who is only loyal, when they think they may be caught out. Someone who isn’t loyal when you aren’t watching, isn’t someone to build a life with.

Honestly, I would imagine someone people can get over it. With a lot of hard work and the cheater putting in that work. However, after cheating I notice people seem to (usually) fall into 3 groups. Those that split quickly, those that work at it but years later realise they can’t move past it and it’s never been the same so split then.

The third group are the ones that stay together regardless of happiness. The one that was cheated on ends up anxious and suspicious and then resentful. The one that was cheated on ends up, years down the line still not able to go out or kiss a call on their phone. Their entire lives become about the cheating and both are miserable. The cheater accepting it as punishment for their behaviour and can’t leave out of guilt. The cheated on angry and sad and wanting to make sure the guilty part always feels as shit as they do.

There will be a small amount of people who live past it, create a new normal that’s happy and healthy. But I think they are in the minority.

One other thing: I’m probably being a bit literal but I think it is really unhelpful for you to think of him as “the love of your life”. I think that is generally a very unhelpful term as it suggests that there is no-one else out there for you. He is a man you love (or loved) very much and were looking forward to building a life with. There will be other men out there whom you can also love very much and with whom you can also build a life. He is not the only one. So start by taking him down off that particular pedestal.

Firstly, I’d get hold of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ it’s a great book which will help you understand your husband’s character.

He didn’t cheat because he was drunk, he cheated because he’s selfish and entitled. That problem is still there whether he drinks or not. I do think not drinking is a start but it doesn’t really get to the heart of why he was prepared to self sabotage his relationship and family for cheap thrills and ego kibbles. That takes deep introspective work with a therapist. Is he prepared to do this?

I do agree broadly that the kisses are the tip of the iceberg. This is the minimising cheats do. Lots think we’ll forgive ‘just a few drunken kisses’ so lie lie lie and minimise the rest. it’s a red flag that he ‘doesn't remember’ of course he does. He remembers more so this is his get out clause.

I actually do think reconciliation can work and am reconciled happily myself BUT I know that cheats are not a good bet. Many WILL cheat again. They’re too cowardly to do the work needed to become a safe partner.

He needs to dig really deep to help you feel safe again and I’m not sure that his current efforts are sustainable for him and sufficient for you in the long term.

And yes knock him off that pedestal, he’s not the love of your life, he’s the father of your children who is fundamentally flawed and broken and shapes up or ships out. Be your own hero, that’s where peace and healing lies.

I suggest ‘surviving infidelity’ as a website and site for ongoing support. Amazing posters, empathic, kind and compassionate. Please do take a look there.

Good luck.

If he can't control himself when he's had a drink then he needs to stop drinking. Full stop.

People who are blind drunk to the point they cannot recall what they did are not capable of engaging in witty discussion and forming enough of a relationship to start being physical with someone they have just met. They are usually falling over, being sick, talking nonsense. He is a cheat. The alcohol is irrelevant. He cannot be trusted. I am sorry this has happened to you but you need to leave him. Just kissing is a total lie.

@Newyorkcity123 that isn't true.
However, the people who CAN function in a blackout - ie be walking, talking, and appearing tipsy when they're actually so drunk that their brain isn't actually forming short term memories - are either people who have a serious drinking problem that means they have built up a very high tolerance through heavy drinking over time, or they're taking another drug alongside that inhibits the downer effects of alcohol, like coke or speed. Or both.

If he's genuinely that out of it when drunk, personally I might be able to forgive the behaviour but only on the basis that I'd be accepting that they have an alcohol problem and that they are someone who doesn't have an off switch, which means realistically probably never being able to drink alcohol again. I don't think that's any easier than dealing with a cheater though!

@Wimberry I'm sure you’re right, I assumed he wasn’t an alcoholic/on drugs as OP didn’t mention that, but your point is valid. I still think though it is most likely that he is saying he is more drunk than he actually is on these occasions.

@Newyorkcity123 I mention it because people can be 'binge drinkers' and still get that level of black out and not thought of as alcoholics or drug users because they have a job, kids etc and don't drink every day. So it's not necessarily something that other people would get a 'warning' about.
Either way though it's not nice, either he's intentional cheating or he's got a serious alcohol problem. Very difficult for the OP either way.

Me and my DH got together very young.
we both went through a phase of going out, drinking too much, and yes, snogging other people.
we had both had partners before we got together but not many.
i think we had a bit of mispent youth to use up!
we’re older, settled and very happy now. I would never, ever cheat on him now.
but those times in the past, it meant nothing. Just a moment to feel that I didn’t have responsibilities.
if he has stopped drinking and is committed to that, personally I think it can work out, I’ve seen couples come back from worse.

unfortunately there was a bit of co** as well which was also news to me.
we both agree it’s a binge drinking problem x