Cheating husband… can we get through it ?

[Bakingmomma101]

I am married to the love of my life we have 2 babies and we have been together 7 years (married for 2)

Recently it’s come to light that despite lots of denial and lies, he has cheated for the whole of our relationship (KISSING random girls on nights out when absolutely steaming drunk - nothing more than kissing)…. I know of around 7 instances (thanks to some honest people finally coming forward. There is evidence, texts, photos , videos)

Obviously this is heartbreaking. I knew of only one instance which was a year ago when I was 6 months pregnant with our second hut chose to move on obvs because was just about to welcome a new baby! All the instances have occurred during special moments when we have been so happy (close to our wedding, big birthdays , pregnancy etc)

HOWEVER he says he just cannot remember at all what he does when he is drunk and it’s not that he wants to cheat as he loves me and our children so much. He wants our marriage to work. He can’t see his future with anyone but me. We have always been so happy and in love so I’m totally blindsided.

wtf do I do? This man is the love of my life but my feelings have totally changed at the moment as I’m so hurt, but can it be fixed?
he’s completely stopped drinking (since the day I found out, so coming up 4 months now) and we have tried couples therapy too. Also he is a fantastic dad, like seriously. It’s been 4 months of ups and downs and me being totally unsure of our next step, he is still here trying to fix it …. Surely that’s a good thing? Am I being crazy to consider staying?

if you think you know me locally then pls no you do not - wish to be totally anon * xox

Totally aside from the cheating, I'd be livid if my h and fatter of my kids was spending family/household money on coke and too much alcohol.

When you're married, cohabiting and share kids, everything is household/family money.

Sorry to add to this and make it worse, but drinking beyond "normal" while taking coke does not automatically mean you get the amnesia you'd normally have when drinking such quantities.

I've drunk continuously through til 8am at times, and remembered everything.

No way did he forget, he just "forgot"

I've also lived with a cheating alcoholic. He has since stopped both drinking and cheating, and is happy with his DW, and I'm happy without him. We coparent brilliantly btw, tbh I highly recommend our setup!

But to be clear, drinking and cheating were separate behaviours - he didn't cheat cause he drank.

Only 7 women that you know of! Interesting that friends filmed photographed him - they obviously think he's a bastard too.

He may be the love of your life but you're totally naive to think you're the love of his life. He's a drunk cokehead who doesn't give a toss about spending family money on his habits. Take charge of your life, your DC and get your act together.

Yep x

What is co**?

Coke? Cock?

I was married to a man just like this. If I had a time machine, I could go back and write the identical same post (minus the co** - whatever that is).

I was with him for 16 years before I found out. Gave him another 4 years to change. He never did though. I left him. Found out later there had been more than kissing. He cheated on the next partner after me, and I've been told he has cheated on his current partner (not sure if true, but seems likely, given his MO).

I am now married to someone else, who would never pull this shit. And knowing what I know now, even one indiscretion would end the marriage for me.

You won't leave till you're ready. But the day will come when you've just had enough. You deserve SO much more than this!

Who are these people filming him?? Was he aware?

Ultimately he does not respect you. It is unlikely you can ever trust him again.
Better to leave him now so that you can rebuild your life than when you are older.

I am appreciative of all your comments and am reading every single one! Thank you .
ps some people are saying ‘no point giving you advice, you’ll never leave him by the sounds’ . This is a huge decision and is weighing heavily on me; hence why I’ve come to other mums for support / reassurance / to help me see I’m not crazy if I break up our family over this .. xxxx

You aren't breaking up your family, HE is.

Have you asked how he would feel, if every time you went out with the girls, you snogged other men?

If you stay with him, I'd be doing just that.

What's good for the goose and all that.

Op you mentioned in your opening post about honest people coming forward with evidence. What do you mean by this? Have you been asking around for evidence to back this up? It seems strange that there are photos and videos.
I think ultimately this is nothing to do with binge drinking or coke it's about what respect he had for you and most importantly what respect do you have for yourself

I would never look at him the same.

Booze and coke as the father of babies? Was he totally on board with having kids?

Do you have an income that can support a household without him?

You are not breaking up your family, he is breaking up your family by not giving a crap about your family. You need to make this your mindset and stop thinking it's your fault.

Please leave this selfish sad excuse for a man, he will never stop and you will live a miserable life if you stay.

It's happened numerous times.

Do you want to be that woman that everyone knows puts up with a drunken tart?

Who whenever you go out with people and you are introduced as X's wife people look at you with a hint of pity and sadness?

He says he can't remember - well how do you know it's only kissing? And tbh wtf is "only" kissing anyway?

Drink lowers your inhibitions, it doesn't make you do things you don't want to do.

Think about that. He wanted to kiss these other women. The alcohol just gave him the "permission" to do it.

My ick level would be off the scale as would my own sense of preserving my self worth and dignity.

Well, I wouldn't have any of this.
I'm 45, own means, no kids.
But you are young, have small children, it's very difficult.
As the others said, you'll leave when you're ready.
❤️

I am going to stress this… this is called ‘rug sweeping’ in reconciliation circles,

My husband was an alcoholic during the time of his affair but it wasn’t the drink that turned him into a cheat it was his own deep rooted flaws. The addiction part of it was actually another symptom of his own broken, a bandage for his problems, as was his affair. He hasn’t had a drink in years but most importantly he has also addressed why he needed to drink and why his affair happened.

Your husband is deeply flawed. Not drinking is a good start but he will look to find other sources of thrills and ego kibbles (dopamine hits) unless he addresses what his actual problems are with a trained counsellor.

And that takes work. Work that he’s clearly avoiding with this surface level excuse.

If you stay be serious about addressing this otherwise you are kicking the can down the road.

Why is he out drinking and not at home with his wife and family if he's such a "fantastic" husband and Dad?

Why are you taking responsibility for what your husband has done? He alone has broken up your family.

Sadly, I think his current role of Husband and Father of the Year is completely self-serving. I don't think you really know him at all, and I know he isn't the love of your life because if that were true, he never would have done this.

With all that evidence seems to me it’s definitely intentional and he’s using the fact ‘he was drunk’ to explain it away.

Once he gets comfortable again, it will keep happening. Save yourself the heartbreak and LTB now 💜💐

I mean, he really has no integrity. None whatsoever. If you stay, it's your spirit's funeral because that man will kill it.
He's deceived you from day one. For years. You do know this, right? You can't stay with such a person. I sound harsh, but I write this with only good and honest intentions. 💐

I think I would just continue couples counselling and observe.

there is no rush at the moment and you don’t want to end things unless your sure you can’t forgive him.

i think time will only tell…

however, I agree with others… I don’t believe it’s only kisses.