Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating husband… can we get through it ?

97 replies

Bakingmomma101 · 24/08/2024 22:19

I am married to the love of my life we have 2 babies and we have been together 7 years (married for 2)

Recently it’s come to light that despite lots of denial and lies, he has cheated for the whole of our relationship (KISSING random girls on nights out when absolutely steaming drunk - nothing more than kissing)…. I know of around 7 instances (thanks to some honest people finally coming forward. There is evidence, texts, photos , videos)

Obviously this is heartbreaking. I knew of only one instance which was a year ago when I was 6 months pregnant with our second hut chose to move on obvs because was just about to welcome a new baby! All the instances have occurred during special moments when we have been so happy (close to our wedding, big birthdays , pregnancy etc)

HOWEVER he says he just cannot remember at all what he does when he is drunk and it’s not that he wants to cheat as he loves me and our children so much. He wants our marriage to work. He can’t see his future with anyone but me. We have always been so happy and in love so I’m totally blindsided.

wtf do I do? This man is the love of my life but my feelings have totally changed at the moment as I’m so hurt, but can it be fixed?
he’s completely stopped drinking (since the day I found out, so coming up 4 months now) and we have tried couples therapy too. Also he is a fantastic dad, like seriously. It’s been 4 months of ups and downs and me being totally unsure of our next step, he is still here trying to fix it …. Surely that’s a good thing? Am I being crazy to consider staying?

if you think you know me locally then pls no you do not - wish to be totally anon * xox

OP posts:
Original poster
Bakingmomma101 · 25/08/2024 11:33

Wimberry · 25/08/2024 11:26

@Newyorkcity123 I mention it because people can be 'binge drinkers' and still get that level of black out and not thought of as alcoholics or drug users because they have a job, kids etc and don't drink every day. So it's not necessarily something that other people would get a 'warning' about.
Either way though it's not nice, either he's intentional cheating or he's got a serious alcohol problem. Very difficult for the OP either way.

unfortunately there was a bit of co** as well which was also news to me.
we both agree it’s a binge drinking problem x

OP posts:
Hectorscalling · 25/08/2024 11:50

Bakingmomma101 · 25/08/2024 11:33

unfortunately there was a bit of co** as well which was also news to me.
we both agree it’s a binge drinking problem x

Show quote history

So he takes drugs as well?

So it’s not just binge drinking.

Lovely man to have round your children.

Is he really claiming he had no idea he had done anything with these women until this evidence showed up?

Wimberry · 25/08/2024 11:52

Sorry to hear that op. My own experience (of trying it when I was young/single/without responsibilities, though still wish I hadn't!) was that taking it can allow you to carry on drinking long beyond the point that you'd usually be slurring your words and falling asleep. As well as making you more confident. Not a good combination... Personally I found it scary and didn't go back to it. I know for a lot of people who wouldn't consider themselves to 'have a problem' its something that they still crave once they've had a drink, and the drink means the inhibitions about buying it disappear - a bit like how ex smokers end up smoking after a few drinks.

Only you can decide whether you want to end things or try and make it work, if you're thinking the latter then I'd suggest couples counselling and he'd have to be really, really committed to not drinking. If he can't control whether he gets drunk or not, he can't drink at all.

InBedBy10 · 25/08/2024 11:59

Every word out of his mouth is a lie.

It wasn't just kissing.
It wasn't just the handful of women you've been told about.
He does remember.

He's been cheating on you your entire relationship and you didn't know? Honestly OP ? Did you never once suspect? Your whole life together is a lie. You didn't even know about the coke.

He didn't even have enough respect for you to cheat discreetly.

I'm sorry, I'm really not trying to be harsh but the love of your life is a made up version of this man you have in your head. You don't know the real him. But everyone else does which is why they told you.

I know you're not ready to end it now but this relationship is already over. One day, might be next year, might be in 10yrs, but one day you will decide you've had enough of the lies and walk away.

I've been there, just wish I didn't waste so much time.

UghFletcher · 25/08/2024 12:02

Bakingmomma101 · 25/08/2024 11:32

unfortunately there was a bit of co** as well which was also news to me.
we both agree it’s a binge drinking problem x

Woah wait, so he is drinking, taking drugs and cheating on you. The bar is low OP.

Find some anger and kick his sorry arse out. He won't change. Or he will stop until the urge to go out drinking and snorting more lines takes over. He is not a good husband, good father or generally a good person.

You and your babies deserve a hell of a lot more than this in life.

SpanielPaws · 25/08/2024 12:04

You need to pick your self respect off from off the floor and see what you're allowing him to do to you. You may love him deeply, but from this behaviour he neither loves nor respects you.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 25/08/2024 12:08

Bakingmomma101 · 25/08/2024 08:23

I wish I had evidence if he had done that… (more than kissing) . I’ll never know I don’t think x

Show quote history

You dont need evidence. Hr cheated on you. Repeatedly. He lies. His behaviour is so poor people have decided you need to know

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/08/2024 12:12

Sounds like he’s treating you like his mother and has a weird need to display arrested development type behaviour around the big dates in his adult life. Couldn’t be arsed with this. If you had to tell him to stop drinking then I’d tell him to leave and get on with life. He can’t commit for whatever reason.

Skybluepinky · 25/08/2024 12:12

If u r happy to accept his cheating stay with him, if not get rid, u have no idea if it was just kissing, and sounds like he has a drink issue to throw into the mix.

justmyluck1234 · 25/08/2024 12:15

It's easily for everyone on here to come on and say what they would do however ultimately it's up to you.

Personally once maybe I could forgive... but a number of times? I'm sorry but that's not something I could move past he's taking you for granted

Slalomsfathoms · 25/08/2024 12:15

The real love of your life would not treat you like this. Weak men blame, circumstances, substances other people for their mistakes. The trust is broken. It is hard to have the strength to say ‘it’s over, no more chances’, but you really do. If this was your daughter going through this, what would you say to her? Only you know your circumstances and whether this person is worth the risk of possible harder heartbreak further down the line

kkloo · 25/08/2024 13:04

Bakingmomma101 · 25/08/2024 11:32

unfortunately there was a bit of co** as well which was also news to me.
we both agree it’s a binge drinking problem x

It's more than that though. He still chose to keep drinking until he got found out, that was a decision he made many times while sober.

northernlight20 · 25/08/2024 13:18

I promise you op, theres so much more to the this. you will discover bits of the truth over time and your trust will be destroyed. I know you have been blindsided, you need to get your ducks in a row and be ready to move on because he's not the right man for you.

MayaPinion · 25/08/2024 13:23

He does remember. He did more than kiss them. He’s only fessed up because he was found out. He might be the love of your life but you’re sure as hell not the love of his. And get yourself an STD check.

HazelPlayer · 25/08/2024 13:24

He binge drinks, does coke and locks lips with other women (at the least) repeatedly - to the point that several people have told you out of concern for you/feeling it's not right - how come he's the "love of your life"?

The true love of your life would not be cheating on you.

You have a very romantic view of things .... You need to take the rose tinted glasses off.

Oh and would he still be around if you regularly snogged other blokes on nights out and people were telling him, as well as binge drinking and doing coke? He'd be calling you a slut, drunk and unfit mother.

TalesTreadsTea · 25/08/2024 13:24

If he honestly cannot control himself when out drinking, then he doesn't go out drinking AT ALL. He had a chance to change his behaviour and he did not.

No one should be getting blackout drunk they cannot remember their actions anyway, especially if a parent with responsibilities.

He will do it again. You know it.

HazelPlayer · 25/08/2024 13:27

we both agree it’s a binge drinking problem

I'm sure he does. It's a lot easier to blame drink than say "I like getting off with other women", I'm a cheater".

Drunk people who are faithful are generally staggering home to their loved one, slabbering on the phone to them, trying to message them etc. and not cheating.

He's a cheat, and a drunk - the two are not mutually exclusive.

HazelPlayer · 25/08/2024 13:33

If I've read it right, he often does this around significant, milestone occasions ..... He's clearly not remotely ok with those commitments.

Because it seems like everytime there is a celebration/demonstration of a commitment - he's off the wagon, getting high and assuring himself of his freedom by getting off with other women.

Literally demonstrating his freedom and independence to himself physically - by getting with other women etc.

I'm sorry, but whatever he's saying on the surface (happy and committed).. he's clearly not feeling that underneath. He's having a little blow out/head stagger/"fuck it" session, where he makes sure he feels free, not tied down and like he can still pull etc.

Seems like he doesn't truly want to be a committed, faithful, exclusive family man. He's out on the lash and on the pull behind your back. How old is he?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/08/2024 13:34

He might be the love of your life, you can do a lot better as you are not the love of his life and he constantly looks for other opportunities.
You may forgive, but will you ever forget...

He does not want to be married with 2 children, he wants to be young, free and single and to go out whenever he wants to do whatever he wants.

Set him free, as he will always think the grass is greener elsewhere

One day he will grow up, hopefully.

but it won't be with you as you won't have put up with his behaviour for that long.

ChilledMama85 · 25/08/2024 13:35

I had a fiancé once who kissed a girl during NY party at my parents house ( I was next room) . The minute I found out ( good few months later!) , I was done with him. It was v hard but I got through this & I am sooo happy I did!

I know you have little ones etc. but if he does such things knowing he is risking loosing his family... what does that tell you?

CostcoHotDog · 25/08/2024 13:36

He has a drinking problem, uses drugs and is unfaithful. OP you and your children deserve so much better.

You can't fix him and can only control your reaction to this. Please consider getting some irl support, you aren't alone in this

al-anonuk.org.uk/

Berlinlover · 25/08/2024 13:42

I don’t really see any point in giving you advice because it’s clear from your posts no matter what he does you’ll stay with him anyway.

Cozylozy · 25/08/2024 13:46

If you accept being treated like a doormat he is going to continue to wipe his feet all over you

OssieShowman · 25/08/2024 13:56

How about he stops getting drunk, and see what happens,
Not likely !!!!!

CuttySarcasm · 25/08/2024 13:57

7 instances, that you KNOW OF! They’ll be more, and most likely more than kissing. That’s not a momentary lapse, that’s a life style!