Is it OK to ask asexual partner for open relationship or is it wrong on all levels ?

[Blackeyedcat]

My partner is asexual I belive . Male .
I have high sex drive. He has none . Is not affectionate in other ways either , I feel like we are best friends .
together 7 years . At the beginning we had great sex life . Over the last years it’s gone . I think he’s asexual as he never initates and can go months without if I don’t initate , and even then it’s boring sex , get it over and done with . Duty sex .
relationship is great in other areas ,we get on amazing. I guess I got fooled into the relationship thinking we have matching sex drives which it did feel like at the beginning for the first 3 years , until he decided not to .
I guess I have just settled and let my needs go unmet for years .
we are both early 30’s. No kids .
now this is where it gets interesting . I have developed a crush , and it’s mutual . He compliments me and flirts, but I don’t reach as I’m in committed relationship . I feel like the switch has been turned back on and I feel alive . I feel like I want something so badly while my partner doesn’t want to give it to me . I feel like I crave affection and sexual chemistry so bad that I would be open to ask my partner for open relationship . Would this be acceptable to ask or am I out of my mind ?
I don’t want to leave my relationship , What should I do ?!

Your relationship sounds like it's on a one way path to nowhere, You don't want to leave him but what are you really getting out of it? Looking back to those early days and hope it gets there again? It won't.

You're young, you're childfree. You'd be stark staring mad to stay with this man. The fact you've got a crush on someone else tells me that some part of your brain knows this too.

Tell your partner your unhappy at the lack of intimacy ,if he doesn't want to change then leave him and move on ,your only young and have a lifetime ahead to meet the right person for you.Even if he said yes to your idea I think it would get very complicated and you would eventually break up.

I have never had a crush in those 7 years before , until now . I guess I feel so unloved and unwanted by my own partner and sex gets rejected almost 99% of the time , I feel like this has caused my eye to wonder elsewhere because I’m a human and I have needs that are not met at all . I never wanted this to happen , but my crush just happened , yeah you’re probably right … .

Open relationships always lead to heartbreak.

it’s possible to live in a sexless relationship but the instant you start developing feelings for someone else the relationship is over.

You aren’t compatible on a fundamental level. Haven’t you discussed the lack of sex and the consequences its absence has on your relationship with him? You know him better than us, how open do you think he’ll be with introducing others into your relationship?

of course you feel unloved. it's crushing for the self esteem to be rejected like this for years on end. you deserve more!

What you have described was my exact relationship with my ex husband. We agreed on an open relationship and I met someone who I was attracted to. I checked with my EXH that he was still on board with the open marriage before doing anything physical, but as soon as I did I realised how much I needed a physical relationship and I needed it with my husband. It made me feel horrible and unloved that my husband had no issue with me having sex with someone else and would rather than I have sex with someone else than he have sex with me. It was the death knell for our relationship and marriage and we separated quickly after this and eventually divorced. We also, thankfully, had no children. I wish it hadn't been the way that things ended.

I'm very open minded and don't judge those who have open relationships, but I think that if you are needing an open relationship to fill a void in your current relationship, it's a glaring sign that your current relationship isn't working for you and either something within it needs to change or you need to leave.

We have discussed , and he says he’s always tired from work stress bla bla and that’s it . So where does that leave me ?

I wouldn't say he was asexual as you had a sexual relationship for the first 3 years. Asexuals have no interest in sex
Maybe gay ? Maybe low testosterone ?

Whatever the issue is he isn't the guy for you. Split up & remain friends if you still want him in your life, but you cant carry on in this relationship if you want a healthy & satisfying sex life.

Thanks for your message . But how would you have felt if he said no to open relationship ? I guess you would build resentment towards him for not giving you what you need and not letting you get it elsewhere which could itself lead to separation?

If he’s was gay , why would he have satisfiying sex with me the first 3 years ? I’m confused …. And no issues with testerones , it’s been checked , I asked him to . And there was no issues there .

Your relationship is over. What you have is a friendship.
Time to move on.
You can still be friends if that’s what you want.

That's very true (although I think that the open marriage may have been his suggestion) so in all likelihood we would have separated in the end anyway. I should add that this came after many years of trying to talk to him about it and change things. There were times that I would actually cry to him about us barely having sex and he would always have various excuses. I think we only actually had sex once on our two week honeymoon and it was always down to me initiating it. If I didn't we could go months and months without anything. If you need sex in a relationship and he doesn't then I think that ultimately you're incompatible, as me and my EXH were.

If you had a chat with him about how the lack of sex and affection is making you feel and he took note and started giving you all the sex you could possibly want, would your crush on this other guy go away or would you be able to ignore it til it goes and just focus on your partner? Or would you still want to pursue something with the other guy?

Just be brave and leave him. You’re only in your 30s don’t give up the rest of your life to be in such an unhappy relationship it’s not worth it.

I’m sorry if this comes off harshly but he might not be asexual, just gone off you/turned off by monogamy, and coasting in the relationship, ready to jump ship when he finds someone he wants.

If this other guy really likes you it’s unfair to put him in the position of side piece who you shag and then go home to your bf.

Your relationship has run its course.

it depends wholly on if it's something he is willing to do, and you won't know unless you have that discussion.

I'm currently the long term casual fwb/partner of a person in your position, his partner is trans/asexual and gave them permission to pursue a physical relationship with me. We see each other for a night every 6 weeks or so.

There has to be some VERY strong boundaries, serious discussion and agreements for it to work, especially between the existing couple before bringing a 3rd person in.

We work because i don't want a boyfriend, i'm not interesting in having more kids, moving in or making a future with a man, btdt..no thanks to a repeat. i'm an older divorcee who has zero interest in wrecking their relationship. Having me to spend time with stops him from throwing a bomb in the middle of it, and his partner knows and trusts me as we're all good friends anyway, so they continue to feel safe in the dynamic.

Your posts read like all the justifications of starting an affair.

Are you asking your partner for an open relationship for both of you, or are you asking for their permission to have an affair?

Absolutely , I would love if my partner gave me all that I am missing right now , my crush would be gone in an instant . But then again I don’t know how I’ll feel knowing that this is not really him and he’s just giving me duty sex because I’m asking for it ,not because he wants to do it . Because I know if he wanted to do it himself , I wouldn’t even have to ask him .

This other guy knows I have a bf , he wouldn’t do anything if I didn’t let him .

she is justified in my opinion.

although she'd be better off just leaving.

You’re young and no kids. Just leave

I’d let him do exactly the same if he wished . Might be even beneficial to me , maybe another girl would bring back his lost sex drive . I have nothing to lose tbh ,

You haven't given one good reason for staying

Just leave and start a mutually satisfying relationship with someone that will actually go somewhere

If you leave and start honking this other guy I guarantee you'll look back and think god can you imagine I considered staying with him? This is done, address your attachment issues that are keeping you here flogging a dead horse and move on. Just move along, this will only get worse. Especially if you want kids, you're complicating life way more than it needs to or should be. Honestly this is done.