Is it OK to ask asexual partner for open relationship or is it wrong on all levels ?

[Blackeyedcat]

My partner is asexual I belive . Male .
I have high sex drive. He has none . Is not affectionate in other ways either , I feel like we are best friends .
together 7 years . At the beginning we had great sex life . Over the last years it’s gone . I think he’s asexual as he never initates and can go months without if I don’t initate , and even then it’s boring sex , get it over and done with . Duty sex .
relationship is great in other areas ,we get on amazing. I guess I got fooled into the relationship thinking we have matching sex drives which it did feel like at the beginning for the first 3 years , until he decided not to .
I guess I have just settled and let my needs go unmet for years .
we are both early 30’s. No kids .
now this is where it gets interesting . I have developed a crush , and it’s mutual . He compliments me and flirts, but I don’t reach as I’m in committed relationship . I feel like the switch has been turned back on and I feel alive . I feel like I want something so badly while my partner doesn’t want to give it to me . I feel like I crave affection and sexual chemistry so bad that I would be open to ask my partner for open relationship . Would this be acceptable to ask or am I out of my mind ?
I don’t want to leave my relationship , What should I do ?!

You are young and no kids..

Get out now & keep looking..

You will find someone else who you get on amazing with AND also a sex life.

Don't settle and try to patch things up, that tape will eventually peel off! Give yourself a chance to find the whole package!

So, not married, no kids, no sex. why are you still hanging around? I dont get it

Because we get on soo well in any other ways and we have such a nice life and house , no money worries . And we have great time together being in each others company and having a laugh and doing things . Financially I’d be screwed on my own , having to downgrade by tons in every way .

Same tbh.

so, money and lifestyle is the reason u stay? theres a name for that. anyway, there is pride in doing for yourself financially and moving on. You are young enough to eventually meet someone else who you can have all that you have said, AND a good sex life with.

You believe he’s asexual? Have you had a conversation with him about the lack of sex? Are you wanting children someday?

To be honest I don’t think opening the relationship to fill the void is going to help unless you’re really good at compartmentalising.

“teenmaw · Today 12:06
If you leave and start honking this other guy I guarantee you'll look back and think god can you imagine I considered staying with him? This is done, address your attachment issues that are keeping you here flogging a dead horse and move on. Just move along, this will only get worse. Especially if you want kids, you're complicating life way more than it needs to or should be. Honestly this is done.”

@teenmaw has nailed it. You’re only in your early 30s. Asexual or very low sex relationships are of course totally fine where it suits both partners, but that’s not the case here. For most of us, sexual intimacy is one of the key factors which differentiates our long-term life partnership from other family/close friend relationships. You and he are friends but you’re no longer lovers. Most successful LTRs combine being friends and lovers.

A mildly mismatched sex drive is one thing but this is a total incompatibility which has persisted for more than half your relationship. As @teenmaw said, once you start having sex with another man - start feeling desired by another man - you will likely realise what you’ve been missing. That might be the spur you need to end this relationship but that really does sound like what you need to do.

PS I missed your update. Life-style is not a very impressive reason to stay. Or could you convert the arrangement into 2 friends co-owning (or co-renting) a house for now?

Is that worth staying in an unfulfilling relationship for?

Where is this relationship going? do you ever want kids?

the fact that the OP hasn't even acknowledged my post as the one person doing what shes is talking about doing speaks volumes.

just leave him op. you don't want an open relationship, you're not ready for the complexities of what it entails.

You're great friends. Not physical lovers. And this matters to you, but apparently not to him.

If you asked and he said yes - wouldn't knowing your partner was happy with you fucking other men feel bad? Wouldn't you want him not to want that, if he truly felt you were soul mates?

And what if you fell in love with your crush/whoever? It would be unfair to stay in your relationship because men too deserve partners who love them and want to be with them.

What if you catch something?

If you asked and he said no - what would you do? Trudge on as is, unsatisfied and unhappy?

Go behind his back to get what you want - and become that cheat?

It sounds like you're fundamentally incompatible in an area that is essential to you. Like differences over wanting children.

My honest conclusion? End this kindly and give both of you the chance of a compatible relationship with the same needs.

A p*rn addiction has this same sort of effect.

Money and lifestyle.

You've said yourself that your current relationship makes you feel unwanted and unloved. That is not how a relationship should make you feel and is a clear signal that it isn't the right relationship for you now. Your current partner can still be a wonderful man who has done nothing wrong and not be the one for you. An open relationship doesn't work to patch up a failing relationship, your connection and communication need to be bombproof to stand a chance and yours isn't. You'll hurt him and likely end up splitting on much worse terms then if you just ended it now.

Please sit down and tell your partner everything. How the lack of sex makes you feel (in detail) and that you fancy someone and are tempted. There is nothing to lose. He will either agree to sort things out (counselling?) or you can agree to split. I’m a lot older than you and have recently found out I’ve been cheated on. Sexless recently due to my low sex drive (long marriage and not always sexless). Wish we’d had a make or break discussion. Would have been so much less destructive for both of us in the long run. You are young and no kids so far easier to move on if you are mismatched at this stage. But talk first. The pain of being deceived is unbearable.

Hi
is it possible that your husband has erectile dysfunction. Would he be willing to seek advice from GP? If you are able to discuss this with him it would be better for both of you. Men are incredibly proud and he may not want to admit to any issue. BUT if you truly love him it would be worth trying to seek an answer. In my experience a man will withdraw from his partner and not be loving towards her as he may worry that you’ll want more and he may not be able to perform The last thing a man will admit to is erectile dysfunction - but there is help for this nowadays. A frank discussion would be helpful as you say the relationship is good in all other ways. A woman doesn’t always need penetrative sex for sex to be fulfilling. Many men don’t understand that. Explain to him how you feel and try to get to the bottom of the issue. Him claiming work issues for lack of bedroom activity is classic excuse for other issues.
Hope you can resolve this and remain with the partner you so obviously love and care about.

Aww OP I really feel for you. I honestly could have written this myself except I don't have a crush on anyone else. I have been with DP 3 years and it has been like this since about 6 months into our relationship. All was good although he was always anxious, then bam, sexless relationship. Well, almost sexless, once wvery 3 or 4 months and I also feel it is duty sex. I could be wrong. I have asked him if he is asexual and he is adamant that is not the case. But he just seems totally disinterested yet is affectionate. It causes all sorts of difficulties for us. Everything else is amazing. I don't know the answer for you. Is it worth exploring couples counselling?

I agree with other posters that you should end the relationship and then start again. It's very sad and difficult but I think you are more worried about upsetting your current BF than thinking about your needs and own happiness. Better to end it now than after another 10 years of sexless time together, by which time the resentment will also leave the friendship side in tatters.

You're totally allowed to ask. What do you think he'll say?

Ps why do you want to stay with current partner though, you're so young and so many men out there who would meet the very basic criteria of a relationship ie wanting to shag you

I’m in a very successful open relationship.

But I don’t think this has the makings of one. Because OP doesn’t so much want to date/shag a few people. What she really wants is a full relationship, including sex, with her current partner.

Having sex elsewhere and coming home to a “cold” bed probably won’t fix things.

That’s interesting Foxxo! Is he your only FWB?

Yes he is, it was part of the agreement. it's probably more of a poly set up than a true open relationship. it keeps us all safe, we all know who each other are with and when.

He's probably not asexual if you previously had a great sex life.
He's either lost his libido or else lost his libido for you.

If you ask for an open relationship is he allowed to sleep with other people also or is it just one sided?

I don't think its fair to have an open relationship in these circumstances. Both you and your current partner need to recognise that your relationship has run its course. Hes no longer sexually interested in you and makes no effort. You want more from life than that ( naturally) i think its time to mutually split up and you can investigate this new love interest with a clear conscious and without unnecessary baggage

You sound like you want to have your cake and eat it too.

You want to keep the nice, safe security of the familiar person to look after you.

But then you want another sort of relationship too.

The right thing to do is end your platonic relationship. Be on your own and then decide what you want.

If someone asked me for an open relationship in that instance I'd say no, let's get divorced, if you don't like things the way they are.