Is it OK to ask asexual partner for open relationship or is it wrong on all levels ?

[Blackeyedcat]

My partner is asexual I belive . Male .
I have high sex drive. He has none . Is not affectionate in other ways either , I feel like we are best friends .
together 7 years . At the beginning we had great sex life . Over the last years it’s gone . I think he’s asexual as he never initates and can go months without if I don’t initate , and even then it’s boring sex , get it over and done with . Duty sex .
relationship is great in other areas ,we get on amazing. I guess I got fooled into the relationship thinking we have matching sex drives which it did feel like at the beginning for the first 3 years , until he decided not to .
I guess I have just settled and let my needs go unmet for years .
we are both early 30’s. No kids .
now this is where it gets interesting . I have developed a crush , and it’s mutual . He compliments me and flirts, but I don’t reach as I’m in committed relationship . I feel like the switch has been turned back on and I feel alive . I feel like I want something so badly while my partner doesn’t want to give it to me . I feel like I crave affection and sexual chemistry so bad that I would be open to ask my partner for open relationship . Would this be acceptable to ask or am I out of my mind ?
I don’t want to leave my relationship , What should I do ?!

Never justified. Leave, then start something elsewhere.

@Blackeyedcat have you asked him outright if he's asexual? If he was, it's unlikely you'd have had the sexlife you say you did at the start. Any kind of sexuality is part of who someone is, it doesn't just suddenly start.

There could be any reason for his lack of interest. Talk to him. If he can't give you what you need in a relationship, you should walk away so you can both find what you want/need in life.

Still doesn't make it fair. You'd be exploiting a third party to fill in the holes in your primary relationship. That's horribly transactional. Human emotions rarely stay contained in the boxes yiu want to assign them - more than likely somebody is going to get hurt, and badly.

It’s not exploiting if all parties know the situation - I have a variety of serious and less serious attachments.

It may be naive on the part of OP and her potential partner, but it’s not exploitative.

In that case I think you need to forget the other guy and focus on making things work with your partner. If things don’t change or improve then maybe the relationship isn’t right for you. I just can’t imagine many people would be happy with the suggestion of their partner going off to have sex and then come back like nothing has happened. It would surely put a strain on the relationship side of things that are going well turn.

@Blackeyedcat

Because we get on soo well in any other ways and we have such a nice life and house , no money worries . And we have great time together being in each others company and having a laugh and doing things . Financially I’d be screwed on my own , having to downgrade by tons in every way .

It's not really right to stay with him just for the financial aspect though is it ?

You are only in your early 30s - that's a lot of years ahead of you and I except you would soon become resentful. It's not as if you have children together and are wanting to provide a steady home for them .

You could continue having a laugh and doing things with him on a friendship basis if you were to have an honest conversation and separate . Or hopefully the honest conversation will get your partner to open up and you could see a way forward together .

You feel unloved and unwanted. That's enough of a reason to split up.

Break it off with your partner and see where it goes to with the other guy.

Wow, MN double standard at its best!
So OP, your partner is tired because he works long hours (which you dismiss as being irrelevant), and you want to stay with him partly for the money he earns.

If this was a man posting, he’d be torn apart. Can you imagine - my girlfriend works long hours and is tired, so she never wants sex. I don’t want to leave her because I like her and she earns loads of money which I’d miss if we split. But I’ve met a woman who I want to starting shagging, so I’m thinking of asking my girlfriend if she’s OK with that.

OP you need to speak to your partner about how you feel, and if there is no solution that you’re both happy with, you have to end the relationship. Maybe your new man might earn well too, which would be handy for you.

Nah. I don't agree with the sentiment that someone having an affair is the ultimate betrayal when the other partner has decided to make the relationship a sexless one.

Also, it’s not an affair because the OP is proposing to talk to her partner first!

Sexless marriage is one thing - but you said he is NOT affectionate in other ways.
Big red flag
Great sex for 3 years - then nothing / duty sex.
Have you liked him why?
Could he have met someone else?
This would not work for a lot of women.

If you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, one person losing their libido doesn't justify sleeping with someone else.

The only moral way out of it is to talk to each other and see what works for both of you.

How would you feel if your partner asked you the same thing.
If nothing is happening and no amount of talking is going to change things in stead of being together and sleeping around.
Put your cards on the table and end it and go have some fun and find someone that wants you as much as you want them.

Again, it's a nah from me. If someone has removed sex from the equation without any real explanation well they themselves are not showing any respect for the relationship.

I think if you ask you are in a loose loose situation. You ask and he says no, you are both hurt; you ask and he says yes then he doesn't care about you. Also, if you don't ask then you remain unhappy and will get resentful. The problem isn’t the fact you have a crush, its that there is something major missing from your relationship. If you've developed a strong crush that you want to act on, then it's the signal for the end of this relationship.

Talk to him OP and see what he says, it's the only way to find out. If he was keen for the first 3 years are you sure he hasn't been seeing someone on the side himself since then? Him always being too tired is just an excuse though - unless you have 3 kids and/or he never has a day off from work which seems rather unlikely.

We'll have to agree to disagree. But I usually go decide how to handle things based on how I'd feel if I were the other person.

So how would you feel if you'd lost your libido and your partner started sleeping with someone else, rather than talking to you about it and finding out whether there was something else going on? Or instead of leaving you first?

If I lost my libido or just didn't want to have sex with them again for whatever reason, I'd have an honest convo rather than expecting them to be the one to raise it. And realistically if my partner was in their 30s I wouldn't expect them to accept a life of celibacy.

I agree communication is key.

You could ask but the only thing that will happen is that you’ll leave. For the OM. Or because you’ve realised that a marriage where your needs aren’t met isn’t a marriage worth keeping.

Id skip the open relationship part and separate. It will be quicker and easier for everyone.

I agree with you.
But then the OP’s partner could also have started a conversation about his lack of libido. I mean, it will have been pretty obvious this would be an issue for the OP right?

In that case, I think both the OP and her DP are lacking communication skills to talk about the issue (assuming this isn’t something they’ve talked about before).
I do think that making it only the OP’s ‘fault or responsibility’ isn’t right in this case.

And I agree. They should be talking to each other.

But the PP was suggesting that it would justify an affair. That would be only on the one no longer getting sex.

Similar dynamics occurred in my marriage. Sex life was good to start with (although it drive peaked and flowed for both of us). However he started to have problems performing and in particular finishing. Reached a point where he wouldn’t initiate or agree to sex for fear of not being able to finish. I suspect he was using porn (history on the iPad was always wiped clean). He had a medical problem causing low testosterone. He was on treatment but had to stop and so was unmedicated for a long time. I believe he’s now on treatment.
We split for many reasons but this was certainly a contributing factor. He would never have agreed to an open marriage and I don’t think I could have done it anyway. The key issue with this wasn’t so much the lack of sex but the refusal to do anything about it. It spoke volumes about the other issues going on.
I have had a massive drop in lifestyle since we split. However I’ve got myself promoted and now my pay rise is coming in I will be more comfortable. I’ve done that for me and my daughter. It’s been worth it to have a more peaceful life. Material stuff isn’t everything. I didn’t leave with the expectation of meeting someone else but because I believed I’d be happier alone. Ironically I did meet someone else and our sex life is amazing! So good we still joke no-one would believe how good it is 😂 Like ‘Oh that’s what people mean by amazing sex!’. It’s scary to start over but for me it was worth it. XH seems happier in a new relationship too.

You need a new boyfriend, not an additional one.

I think I would have one last chat with him. Ask what's changed and why he doesn't want to be intimate. The "tired from work" is a rubbish excuse if it's been this way for this long.
Then (presuming it can't be fixed), I'd split up. If you get on that well, you can still get on that well, but as friends (which is all you are now anyway). Sexless relationships CAN work if that's what you both want

You're young, no kids, not married. Just leave. You have decades of a healthy sex life ahead of you yet.