Is it OK to ask asexual partner for open relationship or is it wrong on all levels ?

[Blackeyedcat]

My partner is asexual I belive . Male .
I have high sex drive. He has none . Is not affectionate in other ways either , I feel like we are best friends .
together 7 years . At the beginning we had great sex life . Over the last years it’s gone . I think he’s asexual as he never initates and can go months without if I don’t initate , and even then it’s boring sex , get it over and done with . Duty sex .
relationship is great in other areas ,we get on amazing. I guess I got fooled into the relationship thinking we have matching sex drives which it did feel like at the beginning for the first 3 years , until he decided not to .
I guess I have just settled and let my needs go unmet for years .
we are both early 30’s. No kids .
now this is where it gets interesting . I have developed a crush , and it’s mutual . He compliments me and flirts, but I don’t reach as I’m in committed relationship . I feel like the switch has been turned back on and I feel alive . I feel like I want something so badly while my partner doesn’t want to give it to me . I feel like I crave affection and sexual chemistry so bad that I would be open to ask my partner for open relationship . Would this be acceptable to ask or am I out of my mind ?
I don’t want to leave my relationship , What should I do ?!

She needs a boyfriend, not a housemate.

OP you are way too young for this set up.

I did talk to him about it , couple of times , he says he’s always stressed about work , which he is , know he is , management job . But what else can I suggest to him if he says that ? I can’t say to him to leave his job just so we can be sexual again can I ? He says he loves me and all the nice stuff but his words don’t match his actions . Even on weekends , he doesn’t want to be sexual with me , and he’s not at work so I can’t truly belive it’s just stress related .

You want to keep the nice, safe security of the familiar person to look after you

Which could also be true of the one who doesnt want intimacy anymore

God i miss SolidGoldBrass

It's normal when people lose their libido that they might not know why because it doesn't feel like anything, they just don't have a libido, so so they will put it down to whatever stressor is in their life, so unless he's hiding something from you then he probably does think it's work stress.

Also if someone has no libido due to stress then their libido doesn't come back with a bang on a day off or on weekends. The effects of stress on the body don't just switch on and off like that just because someone is off for a couple of days
.
I think you should ask him is that how he intends to live his life forever, working a stressful job that interferes with normal life, and if at 30 despite having no kids the work stress is affecting him so much then is it really the right job for him? what affect will it have on him in another 10 or 15 years?

Also whatever his answer is...even if it's that he thinks that it will be less stressful in a couple of years ask him how does he see your relationship going in the meantime...and from there you could lead into the open relationship question even as a hypothetical.

Thank you ! Yes I think that’s the only thing I can do , ask him this what you mentioned . But does he not realise that he’s damaging our relationship while choosing his job as a priority and abandoning my needs ? It seems like his job is number one in his life . Maybe Iv settled for so long now that he isn’t bothered anymore how I feel as he believes I’ll never leave . I have told him to find a new job as he’s too stressed all the time , but he just shrugs it off and that’s the conversation over .

No I haven’t asked him directly about being asexual , I feel to embarresed to label him because he might get upset . I’m always bringing this subject up , must be once a month where I ask him to spice things up ect , but talking does nothing to him . I have even suggested me buying nice lingerie sets ect to spice things up but he says it would do nothing for him me wearing these things …

Thank you , but if someone is asexual and don’t see sex important , would they still feel jealousy of their partner doing it with someone else even though they don’t deem it important or see no point in it ?

@Blackeyedcat you need to have a frank, honest conversation with him. Ask him why he's not interested in sex with you, not how to spice it up for him. Tell him how important it is to you and that you're considering seeking it elsewhere. Ask him if he's asexual or having some issues. And tell him you may need to leave to get the relationship you want.

No one here can answer these questions for you, because we aren't him. Even if he is asexual, we can't say whether he'd feel jealousy about you being with someone else, because that's not a sexuality thing, that's a personal thing.

Talk to him. Get your answers. And then do what you need to.

Talking to him is a good idea- it is probably a good idea in any relationship to talk about boundaries and consent. We can take so much for granted, that me may not notice the slight difference in the boundaries of those around us.

Good luck op, I hope you come to a mutual agreement that will allow the space for your ‘friendship’ with DH to deepen, whilst also being able to connect with the more sensual part of yourself.

The only way to know the answer to this is to ask him right? You dont have to assign labels like "asexual", you can just talk about sex and intimacy and what both of you want?
i do have a couple of mates in open relationships, some not very healthy or happy but also some that do work for both of them. its not a solution without communication though

You literally posted about your relationship the other day or week and everybody told you the same thing.
iirc you said also you didn't want to split up with him because you want to TTC and you believe it's too late to meet someone else???
But now you want to have an 'open' relationship?? Where does a baby fit into that?
You do want to have your cake and eat it.
As for 'downgrading' your lifestyle unfortunately that's how life works!
The relationship isn't working, just do the right thing and end it and move on.
The fact that he isn't addressing the intimacy issues is huge. You said you mentioned sexy underwear and he's not interested. That's mind blowing. If I mentioned that to my DP he would probably drop everything and want to do it there and then that second!!!
Also there's a high chance he's already mentally checked out of the relationship and just sees you as a friend / flatmate and the second he meets someone else he has an attraction to he will drop you like a hot potato. You may as well get ahead of the game as you may be forced to 'downgrade' your lifestyle whether you like it or not! Better to own it and have some control over it.
I was alot more delicate and understanding in the previous thread but tbh I think now you need some honest straight talking advice so apologies if I came across a little harsh.

It is impossible to generalise. This is a man you know and love - what do you think?

I have come across anchor couples who no longer have sex and are relaxed about it; those that don’t and aren’t happy about it but are resigned to it; those that do. None of the permutations avoids jealousy all together.

Yes they would, feel jealous, hurt, upset, betrayed all those things

Any pressure or talk about this is going to upset him and make him uncomfortable so better to avoid dancing around the topic and be direct with what you want to know instead asking once a month about spicing things up, lack of spice isn't the problem.