Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell adult DCs that I have an FWB?

125 replies

ladyfringilla · 23/08/2024 00:55

I’ve been involved in an FWB situation with a younger man since last year. I suppose you could also call it a dalliance. I am 55 and he is 32. I met him on an app. When I was active on the app, I found that I was getting a lot of interest from younger men in their 20s and 30s especially, but hardly any from men around my age. I liked the look of him and I just decided why not. I was a bit flattered that a younger man would be interested in me as I don’t think I am especially attractive. He certainly thinks I am though. I find him rather hot as well, particularly in bed. I usually see him twice a month on average. I find this works rather well. I have been having a great time with him. I feel we are both on the same page about the trajectory of the relationship. I am not looking to settle down and neither is he.

There is something about the situation I wanted to ask for your opinions about specifically. I have 2 adult DCs who are 21 and 24. As far as they know, I am single and not looking for a partner. I got divorced 8 years ago. I think they would be astounded to find out that their DM has been having a casual relationship at all, especially with a much younger man. It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with that, I think they would just be very surprised. My DCs don’t live at home with me but still visit me regularly. When I see my FWB, it’s usually at his place. I have stayed overnight a few times with him. We have also met up in hotel rooms a couple of times. I would like to be able to invite him over to my house but obviously it would be awkward (to say the least) if he turned up when my DCs are here. They would have no idea who he is. Would you tell your adult DCs about it even if it was just a casual relationship?

OP posts:
frenchfancy81 · 23/08/2024 00:59

I probably wouldn't- they don't need to know and it keeps it fun and special for you, without their potentially judgemental opinions; though you know your own kids! If I were you, I wouldn't. Your set up sounds like it's working really well so good for you!

Namechangedforthis25 · 23/08/2024 01:02

Honestly I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell them

It will suddenly become a thing of stress for you as your kids will either worry or judge

MenFEARtheDEERE · 23/08/2024 01:04

I wouldn't tell DC, but I would tell a couple of trusted female friends who he is and where you meet. Just in case.

Only if it comes up with DC, eg someone mentions seeing you out, then be vague, he's from the new friendship group you have found post divorce.

Opentooffers · 23/08/2024 01:13

Post menopause, no baby risk, so I can see the attraction for younger men. I do hope it's not used as a reason to avoid wearing protection, as chances are you are one of a few. With a fwb, it's more important than ever to prevent sti's. Then there's hpv which condoms don't protect against. I may be raining on your parade, but if not crack on and no, don't tell the DC's - they'll just worry about your health.

PoopedAndScooped · 23/08/2024 01:18

No - Why would you tell them.

If they have keys / Just drop in -
Then continue at his house & hotels

sunseaandsoundingoff · 23/08/2024 01:28

Opentooffers · 23/08/2024 01:13

Post menopause, no baby risk, so I can see the attraction for younger men. I do hope it's not used as a reason to avoid wearing protection, as chances are you are one of a few. With a fwb, it's more important than ever to prevent sti's. Then there's hpv which condoms don't protect against. I may be raining on your parade, but if not crack on and no, don't tell the DC's - they'll just worry about your health.

in my experience it's the younger men with mother issues that like the older women

sunseaandsoundingoff · 23/08/2024 01:29

I wouldn't tell them, I would also make it very clear he isn't to just randomly turn up at your house. Same goes for anyone who doesn't live at your house. You need boundaries.

Garlicfest · 23/08/2024 01:34

Difficult. I'd expect the 24-year-old to be able to cope with the news, maybe not the younger DD. And you can't ask sisters to keep secrets from each other ... Probably no but, then, "I didn't tell you in case you'd be upset" is a crappy position to take when we're talking about adults.

They shouldn't be protected from their mum having a sex life, that's for sure! In this particular case, I dunno Confused Glad you're having fun, though!

Youhaveyourhandsfull · 23/08/2024 01:46

It's certainly pretty common for men to find women older than them attractive. If this was anything more than a FWB then you'd tell them but as it is, I don't really see the point. Just enjoy it! You're entitled to a decent sex life.

StormingNorman · 23/08/2024 02:14

No

bigTillyMint · 23/08/2024 02:17

No!

I am happily married, but my 20-something DC would die of embarrassment!

Enjoy when they are not around 😉😃

Omeleto2024 · 23/08/2024 02:19

ladyfringilla · 23/08/2024 00:55

I’ve been involved in an FWB situation with a younger man since last year. I suppose you could also call it a dalliance. I am 55 and he is 32. I met him on an app. When I was active on the app, I found that I was getting a lot of interest from younger men in their 20s and 30s especially, but hardly any from men around my age. I liked the look of him and I just decided why not. I was a bit flattered that a younger man would be interested in me as I don’t think I am especially attractive. He certainly thinks I am though. I find him rather hot as well, particularly in bed. I usually see him twice a month on average. I find this works rather well. I have been having a great time with him. I feel we are both on the same page about the trajectory of the relationship. I am not looking to settle down and neither is he.

There is something about the situation I wanted to ask for your opinions about specifically. I have 2 adult DCs who are 21 and 24. As far as they know, I am single and not looking for a partner. I got divorced 8 years ago. I think they would be astounded to find out that their DM has been having a casual relationship at all, especially with a much younger man. It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with that, I think they would just be very surprised. My DCs don’t live at home with me but still visit me regularly. When I see my FWB, it’s usually at his place. I have stayed overnight a few times with him. We have also met up in hotel rooms a couple of times. I would like to be able to invite him over to my house but obviously it would be awkward (to say the least) if he turned up when my DCs are here. They would have no idea who he is. Would you tell your adult DCs about it even if it was just a casual relationship?

What for?

Omeleto2024 · 23/08/2024 02:19

Ugh, sorry, didn't mean to quote.

MeAgainAndAgain · 23/08/2024 02:20

You’re essentially telling them you have a man you meet for sex. That’s fabulous, I’ll be honest and admit I’m very envious! Long may it last. I hope his youthful energy translate to a great bed experience.

However, I don’t think there are too many children who want to have these thoughts about their mother. I have not told my children about my FWB. If you must because they bump into him, why not just say you’ve just started seeing each other or something?

Foxxo · 23/08/2024 02:23

Nope.

i'm in my mid 40s, divorced and currently 18mo into a casual something with someone 15 years my junior, and loving every minute.

i have no interest in sharing any of that with my kids (older teens)

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 23/08/2024 02:24

I can't see any reason that they need to know. If it was a relationship, absolutely. But a fwb - absolutely not. Relationship is suggesting there's a mutual affection, appreciation, love, potential future. Fwb just is telling them you're having Sex. I dunno maybe I'm a prude, I just can't see why they need to know. If my mum told she had a fwb I just would feel it was entirely inappropriate, the same way it would be if I was to tell her I had one....

Absolutely have your fun, total respect as long as you're safe and enjoying it, that's all that matters.

MeAgainAndAgain · 23/08/2024 02:24

sunseaandsoundingoff · 23/08/2024 01:28

in my experience it's the younger men with mother issues that like the older women

Show quote history

I have been thinking about this for a few days actually and it’s the same for the younger woman too I’m sure. But what about the older one? So the younger man/woman might have mother/father issues that cause them to seek out an older partner. But what do the older ones have to cause them to seek out a younger partner? Or do you think it’s the younger ones who lead the way on this? I’m quite fascinated by the dynamics.

Jk987 · 23/08/2024 02:29

'As far as they know, I am single and not looking for a partner. '

But you are single! He's a FWB not a boyfriend! I can't see any benefit in telling your children? Sounds like you're developing feelings for this guy.

Starlight7080 · 23/08/2024 05:45

No it will be awkward and probably cause tension between you all.

Guavafish1 · 23/08/2024 05:57

If my mother was doing this…I probably won’t want to know. The main concern is that she is safe and happy… I would not be interested in meeting or getting to know a fling… who is probably having other flings.

But it depends on how close you are as family. I know so family’s tell each other every single detail of their life’s.

SaintHonoria · 23/08/2024 06:01

Why on earth would you admit to your children that you have a 'fuck buddy'? as that is essentially what is going on.

GreyCarpet · 23/08/2024 06:01

You are single. There is nothing to tell them and I can pretty much guarantee that, as someone whose mother had very poor boundaries around everything, your kids, no matter how old they are, have absolutely no interest in knowing anything about your sex life.

I'm in a relationship now but I had a couple of fwbs a few years ago so no judgement about that fact but, seriously, your kids aren't interested in your sexploits and I'm amazed you'd even think it was necessary. They don't care to hear whether your sexual needs are being met any more than you want to know about theirs.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/08/2024 06:04

Christ no! They really don’t need to know about your sex life.

Powderblue1 · 23/08/2024 06:06

No I wouldn't. It's not going anywhere so why involve them. I doubt their response would be a positive one and they may not understand. So just carry on as you are and enjoy it!

Secondstart1001 · 23/08/2024 06:15

I really wouldn’t tell them - this is your personal life and I am sure it would prob give your adult DC the ick tbh. It’s nothing that impacts them as this man is your fwb. If anything were to change like you begin to date this man or start a serious relationship then yes I would once it was an established relationship.