Is this something I need to confess?

[Chinchin34]

Long story short-

ex and I broke up 6 months ago. In between I had a couple weeks ‘fling’ with another guy who always had a thing for me, FWB type fling. He wanted a relationship with me but to be honest I didn’t like him like that. During my last relationship this man had made a few moves to show he liked me by texting, speaking to me on nights out etc so my ex didn’t like him.

my ex and I are trying to work things out. I know he will be so upset about this fling of mine but I feel like I have to tell him and just gave the consequences? I know we weren’t together and im sure he maybe had some dates but this particular man has been sniffing about me for some time. I wish I had never went there.

Would you confess this in the spirit of being open and honest and trying to move forward together? I also don’t even know if we will be able to make this work but we are spending time together now and it’s been lovely but I feel like I have a bit secret and feel so guilty

I would tell him. You don't owe it to him to tell him as you were a free agent at the time, but as you know he doesn't like this guy I think you need to let him know. You don't want to let this relationship develop into something serious again and then have him find out, as that would really hurt you both potentially.

Firstly, you've done absolutely nothing wrong here. You and your ex weren't together, at the time of your fling. However, you know your ex doesn't like FWB man, and I guess your ex knew FWB man liked you, and that's why he dislikes him? If you're serious about trying again with your ex, and you know he dislikes FWB man, you need to be honest. If the fling had been a random man, that your ex didn't know, you were never likely to see or cross paths with again, I'd say, keep quiet. The problem is, your paths may cross with FWB man, it's possible the fling could come out. It's better for you to tell him now, rather than it comes out later, and you didn't say anything.

Geeze, the one lady on here is way too presumptuous and quite frankly rude saying that to you OP. Many women have break ups and get back together, sometimes (and quite often with a fling in the middle). It's life, and age has nothing to do with it either. Not everyone has a relationship that is on going. I have a very close friend that after a long term relationship they seperated for 6 months, and when they got back together, the break is actually what they needed and they've never been happier. Of course this all depends on the two people involved, their own mental health and reasons for breaking up and the reasons for getting back together. Life is a constant learning curve and sometimes it doesn't go to plan, that's ok! You learn from it. If this relationship is not going to work you will find out and learn from it for your next one when you're ready. Imo if you leave now you may always wonder if it would have worked out, trust your gut/instincts and go for what you feel is right but also know that if it doesn't work out, that's ok and you tried. You'll be in a better position to know it definitely wasn't working/has no future.

Also, many women have a fling/whatever you choose to call it, after a break up. Emotions are all over the place after a break up. Often this fling reinforces the grass isn't greener and also 'gets it out of your system' as such. You may have felt on a low from the relationship and the fling made you feel desired and distracted. That's ok, you are human. But it sounds like you've decided it wasn't for you and again, you can tick of another life lesson!

You sound like a woman who does know your own mind, is kind to yourself and won't be messed around (ie will leave a relationship if it's not right) so hold your head up high and be you. Life isn't always smooth sailing, but you learn what can get you there with experience. I always believe I'd rather have experience than question 'what if' in life. That doesn't make my life a roller coaster at all! Far from it. It's 99% smooth sailing, but I allow the 1% guide me when I'm not sure and I trust my intuition, and it's always ok in the end. I hope that makes sense! It's hard to explain in a message!

There are no children involved which is great. It's a personal to you, but if you did want children as you are in your 30's then just make sure it is with a man you do want to be with for life. The life lessons help you choose that person as it allows you to test the waters. I'd rather have those lessons than be stuck with a man I don't want to be with for the rest of my life.

As for telling him, it probably will come out? If he wants to make this work and he is of sound mind it will work, however he may need time and you may need to work it through together based on 100% trust moving forwards. If he hasn't slept with anyone he may feel 'cheated', like you've one up on him. He may not. Only time will allow you both to heal and see if you are meant to be. Just don't let it take too long ie years as you'll have wasted time that you could have spent being with someone who is your Mr Right.

...and the I stopped reading. This is what you're asking when this is the case, WTF??
Edit. Thank fuck I went back and you were joking.
I still think get rid of both.

I would tell him if it comes up in conversation, for example if he asked you if you had been seeing anyone while you were apart, I wouldn't lie. I'd just say it was a casual thing for a couple of weeks and you regretted it afterwards. Don't apologise or act as if you've done anything wrong - you haven't! You were single at the time and free to see whoever you like. Don't tell him like it's a big confession!

So why did you f**k this other guy knowing your ex hates him? Couldn't you have found someone else not connected to either of them? What is this hobby?

@Builtforspeednotcomfort Op is joking about the children

Move on from both of them.

Honestly. If the man you want to get back together with would be generally upset/angry/outraged that you had the audacity to date/have a fling/have sex with someone else WHILE YOU WERE SINGLE AND FREE, especially while it was perfectly ok for him to date/have flings/have sex when he was single and free, then he is a giant turd of an arsehole and you can do better.

You weren't meant to be sat pining for him and thinking about the error of your ways in ending it with him for those six months. You ended it for good reason. Remember those reasons.

Move on.

Tell him if the subject comes up, because it's going to come out anyway, perhaps even from the guy you had the fling with when he's drunk and feels like bragging.

However, don't expect your ex to own up that he's done the same (even though he probably has). You are both grown adults, what you do is up to you, if he doesn't like it that's tough. When you're single, you do what you want. And if he decides to use it as an excuse to have a hold over you (make you feel guilty through manipulation) then he is definitely not worth sticking with.

I think that, if you feel that a fling you had while you were single is something that would potentially cause an argument or upset between you and your boyfriend, your relationship isn't healthy anyway.

How can you work things out with your ex if you are still interested on another person, it will not work. I would move on and find someone new.

Personally I'd say if this is going to go somewhere and become something serious, you need to tell him. Otherwise he will feel like you've lied by omission, or at least make you feel like that. If he didn't know the guy then fine, but as he does and there's some history, it'll be a big deal for him and potentially a deal breaker if you don't tell him!

You’re using the wrong word. “Confess” suggests you did something wrong and feel guilty, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You and ex had split up so you were allowed to do whatever you wanted with who ever you wanted to. So there is nothing to “confess”. You could tell him (that’s something else as confess), but you don’t have to. If you feel a need to tell him, I’d first ask myself WHY you feel that need. Would be you telling him for your sake or his sake? What outcome do you want? (Are you maybe unconsciously trying to give him a reason to not want to try things again with you??). Do you want to know what he did and with whom after you split up? If yes, why? If no, why do you feel the need to tell him what you did? Basically this information is between you and the other guy. It is only relevant if it affects your ex in some way, eg you caught an STD of the other guy and you need to wait for the treatment to work before you can sleep with your ex again (but even in that case your ex doesn’t need to know who gave you an STD).

the situation you described where you confessed chatting to 2 guys at the same time is different, as you were chatting to both at the same time, so they potentially both hoped at the same time that they could start a relationship with you. There it’s fair to say you were also chatting to someone else (I still don‘t know if you should feel guilty over it though, it’s more a matter of coming clean. I don’t think one can expect someone to only chat to 1 person when they’re single). But in this situation you were single and it’s absolutely no one’s business what you did.

if you think your ex will blow his fuse at finding out you where with someone else after the two of you split up you should really be asking yourself if that’s the type of guy you want to be with. It sounds jealous and controlling.

Of course you should not tell him. You are not together and therefore it is absolutely none of his business.

Thanks, I got that. Hence I changed my question

I wouldn't bother telling him. What would be the point? It was a mistake and didn't go further.
If you really want to start again with him I'd look at what has changed. Have you both established what went wrong last time? But forget about talking about who you went with in the time you were single. It's none of his business.

Nope. You will never hear the last of it. He will go on and on saying he knows you always had something going on with the guy but that you lied, treated him like an idiot. He always knew. You couldn't wait bla bla bla. It will be boring and unpleasant and he will do it many times. Then if ever he wants to do something that breaches boundaries he will use your situation as an excuse.

Tough. You weren't together.

Why did you split up with your ex? What makes you think it'll work out second time round?

Well I shouldn’t have told him….lesson learnt

Ah no OP what happened?

Decided to be honest in the spirit of moving things forward openly and transparently and because it was likely we would bump into ex fling. Didn’t go down well at all and then he disclosed a whole reem of things that actually was (to me) worse

'Confess' and relieve yourself of any guilt/burden

Maybe it's not a bad thing. If he's told you things you consider to be worse, surely it's better you know now then waste time on someone who hasn't acted well.

What did he tell you?