Is this something I need to confess?

[Chinchin34]

Long story short-

ex and I broke up 6 months ago. In between I had a couple weeks ‘fling’ with another guy who always had a thing for me, FWB type fling. He wanted a relationship with me but to be honest I didn’t like him like that. During my last relationship this man had made a few moves to show he liked me by texting, speaking to me on nights out etc so my ex didn’t like him.

my ex and I are trying to work things out. I know he will be so upset about this fling of mine but I feel like I have to tell him and just gave the consequences? I know we weren’t together and im sure he maybe had some dates but this particular man has been sniffing about me for some time. I wish I had never went there.

Would you confess this in the spirit of being open and honest and trying to move forward together? I also don’t even know if we will be able to make this work but we are spending time together now and it’s been lovely but I feel like I have a bit secret and feel so guilty

If you want to make a genuine go of it with this person then I’d tell him because he will inevitably find out at some point. If it’s something he’d walk away over then I’d rather just know that now rather than waste any more of either of our time for it all to come crashing down later anyway

Why did you split up in the first place?

We split because he was not in the best place mentally and had a lot of personal things going on. It seems to have settled now and he has sought support

"You were on a break"

If it does come out just tell your DP that you never expected you and he would get back together so it wasn't a big deal!

No not necessarily but more is a hobby type thing

I wouldn’t tell him.

I would never tell him it's none of his business just like it's none of yours who he's been with while you split up

No. He physically abused me and tortured me for months before I was able to get out barely alive.

but you did 🌷

Really? Even though I feel horribly guilty

1st - you didn't do anything wrong. I totally get you here, I understand why you feel guilty. I bet if you had slept with anyone else, but this one specific person, you wouldn't feel this way.

BUT......

The reason you want to tell him is because you feel guilty.

It's not because you feel it's something he should know about you before you are in a relationship together.

You want to tell him to alleviate your guilt, and pass (what you feel) the burden of knowledge on to him.

I think you need to examine why you want to tell him. What is the result you are looking for when he has this knowledge?

Me... I'd tell him. Not because I feel guilty, but because I'm a pretty open person and would want to enter in a relationship with that information in the open. I'd be okay if that was a dealbreaker for the other person. Not continuing the relationship would be fine. I also would gauge if they continued the relationship but started saying snippy things about the fling. I wouldn't continue the relationship if they were hung up on it.

I’m thinking I should see how this goes another while first, it mightnt actually take off in the way I hope. If it does get serious again then I will lay everything out on the table but yeah I won’t be asking him what he’s been doing the time apart, it’s none of my business and I don’t want to know. I don’t think he will ask me either but I would say this news would sting for him

If you feel guilty I’d tell him even Though it’s none of his business as you were finished. Once you’ve confessed and assuaged your guilt he will be angry and jealous forever and will dump you anyway so enjoy this nice feeling until you confess and ruin it

You were split up. It's none of his business.

It's as much none of his business as it it is none of yours. You should not treat him differently. Do you know what happens to the guilt you feel when you offload things like this? The guilt gets worse, because on top of that you've got the guilt of upsetting them.
You are actually choosing to feel guilty about something you were perfectly within your rights to do, you can opt to put it behind you and see how it goes, even if you do reconcile, there's no need to cause potential upset. You won't be doing him any favours.

You do need to be clear you have had additional sexual partners in the interim. You don’t have to give him details about your relationships. The two of you can just get tested and make sure that you are as safe as possible before proceeding to anything physical.

in that case being honest will not achieve anything but jealousy, and to quote ross from friends we were on a break

Tbh if he’s really the sort of guy who would dump you because he can’t handle that you had a brief fling with someone he doesn’t like, he’s not worth having.

Who you sleep with when you’re not in a relationship with him is none of his business. You have no reason to feel bad about what you did, and it’s only the fact that he actually believes he should be in control of your choices that you feel guilty at all.

it's nothing to do with guilt and everything to do with the fact that subconsciously you don't want to get back with this guy because you're worried it will end badly. so you're self-sabotaging by finding an excuse to tell him something you know he won't like to begin to trigger the end game.

you think confessing will make you feel better because you'll feel less guilty, but in reality you're just passing the shit feelings on to him. and making yourself feel better by making him feel worse isn't going to fix anything, it will just go back to you and make you feel shit again.

What happened in the past stays in the past. There is no benefit in “confessing”. Live for today and l hope that you can resolve things.

How old are you both op?

We’re in our 30s.

I think this view of mine is largely sharped by a previous experience where I ‘confessed’ to talking to 2 men at once on a dating app (when I was brand new to dating after my divorce) and the guy I went on to date for a while made it out like I had completely betrayed him. So I nearly feel I have to confess everything, whereas I have been single and I’m not in contact with the other guy now and it’s over

Did you not post about this last week ? If not there another woman splitting up, getting with a bloke her ex doesn't get on with, splitting up with him & getting back with an ex. Must be catching........

I would tell him. If you cant tell someone who you love and "want to make a go of things" that you slept with someone else then there is no future for the relationship. None.

Says more about him than it does about you.

oh op

in your thirties and this sheenigans… break up, make up, FWB with someone he hates… come on! This is all too much silly drama.

Any children?

So I ended a serious enough relationship with someone and then went on to have a fling? Surely that’s what happens in life, wouldn’t say silly drama but then again mumsnet is aghast sometimes at pretty normal things