Is this something I need to confess?

[Chinchin34]

Long story short-

ex and I broke up 6 months ago. In between I had a couple weeks ‘fling’ with another guy who always had a thing for me, FWB type fling. He wanted a relationship with me but to be honest I didn’t like him like that. During my last relationship this man had made a few moves to show he liked me by texting, speaking to me on nights out etc so my ex didn’t like him.

my ex and I are trying to work things out. I know he will be so upset about this fling of mine but I feel like I have to tell him and just gave the consequences? I know we weren’t together and im sure he maybe had some dates but this particular man has been sniffing about me for some time. I wish I had never went there.

Would you confess this in the spirit of being open and honest and trying to move forward together? I also don’t even know if we will be able to make this work but we are spending time together now and it’s been lovely but I feel like I have a bit secret and feel so guilty

how long were you with him before broke to
you broke up because he had “issues” which have now all been sorted
and now giving another shot
and you had a fling with someone he hates
and youre all in the same group

OP… yep, i regard this as drama

and i’d take a punt… you have children

and probably him too

Yeah 10 children between us. Neither of us see any of them though so no drama there 👍

We aren’t all in the same hobby group, the fling and me are.

And will you be ok with stopping the hobby?

so how does your ex know and dislike him?

From social events run by the hobby.

it’s a hobby I dip in and out of so not something I’m doing at the minute so we won’t likely see this man anytime soon

you joke
but yes… you have children

and no doubt this guy was introduced to them on… morning after second “date”?

I will leave you to it op
i suspect this kind of drama is just part and parcel of life for you

Lol

No children on either side

I think the 10 children were a joke...

I think you have to tell him. You say the other guy talks to you on nights out and your ex doesn’t like him that suggests yous run in similar cycles and/or live locally to each other. In that case it will come out eventually and it will be worse if you don’t tell your ex now. I wouldn’t be apologising for anything though, tell him and hold your head high, whatever the outcome you have nothing to be ashamed of. Good luck.

I do think you should have a look at your assumptions of people/women. I had a relationship and then a brief fling…having relationships and sex with whoever you want is fine and normal as an grown woman. You quickly jumped from that to me having introduced my hypothetical to a man too early?? Why? Because having a FWB arrangement would mean I have no regard for my children if I did have them? Seriously, take a look at yourself.

I think the questions you really need to ask are:

1. Is it likely to go back to long term/serious with ex?
2. If he found out later about the fling and you hadn't told him, how would he react? You may not be seeing the fling at the moment but if you dip back in will you cross paths? If you don't, or go to a different group will your ex question why?
3. If you tell him now and he ends it over it, how will you feel?

And then weigh up the best course of action from here.

I’m not sure how it will go. I’m just enjoying us seeing eachother again. He would like it to be serious but I would need to see in action how the issues have been addressed. If I didn’t think/hope it was going to go anywhere I wouldn’t continue it

the group won’t be an issue as I don’t always go. I think he would be annoyed I didn’t tell him sooner.

i would feel sad at this point if he ends it and sad as well that I hurt him with that information

I would not tell him.
If he admitted to having a fwb woupd you want or need to know?
I see no reason it "coming clean".
No ones business what you choose to do but you.
If he found out? So what.

Further down the line, if he finds out after it's serious and it would upset him, I think it would be better to tell him now so he can process it and decide whether he still wants to continue.

Once you're back together and serious again, if he found out he'd feel like you deliberately hid it from him, as well as all the feelings that would be natural to have. It'll break the rebuilt trust.

I would say that there's a pretty high chance this will come out at some point.

If it comes up after 6 months/a year, and as you say, current BF would be hurt/upset by it, then the impact would be greater, as you both will be more emotionally invested by then.

So your choice is really:

1. deal with it now, before you're both back in too deep - less impact on him, and easier for you to decide whether you see a future with someone who's a bit possessive/jealous

2. hope it doesn't come up (it probably will), deal with it if/when it does - more impact on you both, and same decision about staying with that type of person, only after you've invested a lot more in the relationship

Last thing - is it possible that the work he's doing on himself will mean he's better able to cope with news like this?

It didn't work the first time for a reason.
I'm not sure the relationship will be able to hold that weight but it would mean you don't have to constantly watch over your shoulder for it coming out.

Try to think if it was the other way round, and you got back together and found out down the line. In my opinion you should be honest about this, especially if he didn't like him. And you will just have pent up stress from omitting the information. Honesty and trust are backbones to a relationship (imo)

Feeling guilt is a serious waste of time. As an adult you make adult choices, that are yours to make, and you should stand by those choices. Nobody has to justify their decisions to ANYONE!! Nobody else's business!!! You went with the other guy as you didn't think you'd ever be back with your ex, but now it's looking like a possibility. I just wonder what has changed to make that seem possible. The reasons you break up with someone don't go away regardless of outward appearances. So to "confess" is not a good idea. If he wasn't in a good place mentally 6 months ago, that's not disappeared in so short a time. I'd reconsider if it's a good idea at all to get back with him, but again, it's your decision.

I'd say nothing

It'll hurt him and you don't need to

Laying it all out on the table is overrated

If this man you had a fling with is someone you'd both see around, then you're better off telling your ex now, or it may come out anyway at a later date.
Neither of you should have to fess up to things you did when you weren't together, but people are people and if it were me I'd rather the ex heard it from me than from anyone else (especially the man in question)
If there's little to no chance of him being around you in future, then I'd say nothing as ultimately it's none of your ex's business what happened while you weren't together

No don't tell him.

You weren't with him at the time.

If it was the other way round, would he tell you. Very likely not.

I honestly think it's none of his business. If it crops up and or he asks you directly that's a different matter. Are you going to quiz your ex on who he has bumped uglies with? And if you don't like them give him a hard time? You broke up. Hardly anybodies proud of all their choices if they have had a fruitful sex life. Move on and if it crops up in the future you say this. 'We weren't together....It was a short lived fling because he gave me a bit of attention I needed at the time. A bit of fun. It didn't mean anything and it was a while after we split up; long before we got together again. I felt it was none of your business'. And you would be absolutely right 👍. And if he has a problem with that and you break up. Then he wasn't your life partner. Good luck OP ❤️