Tell other woman husband of affair

[Thoroughthought]

I don’t really have people around me that I can talk to about this so I’ve decided to try this. I’m still hurting and I can’t move on without a final step of closure.
My husband had an affair two years ago. It lasted for a year and a half and I was blindsided. Found out by chance by my car not matching his phone. Dealing with the gaslighting lying and pain whilst over months discovering that each detail was worse than the version sold to me before. We have three children. The pain caused by my husband is not the reason why I am writing. I am writing because in my learning of this… I read messages that stay with me because of the nasty character of husband but also the woman involved. Hurtful things they shared about me. Discussions about my body, pubic hair, our sex lives, my personal life, work, loss of my baby for example. Messages where she nastily encouraged my husband not to buy me a gift for my birthday (which he agreed with to her but did anyway) and I can’t undo what I’ve read in this catastrophic soul destroying dialogue over the years that I was caring for our young children unknowingly of this deceit. I thought we were happily married and think my husband is a psychopath. On the other woman- I can’t let it go that she had contact with my children and sent them gifts.- some of which I even thanked her for over the phone. The reason why I write this is because whereas I am navigating the storm that is my husband and know he is abusive. I have thought endlessly about how I can get closure and I feel that after so much ruminating…. I know… or at least feel that closure for me, as weird as this seems … please bare with… is that I need to tell the husband/partner of the woman of the affair. I want him to know what she was doing and that it was not just their affair but also the nasty steps taken to unnecessarily cause me (and no doubt him unnecessary humiliation and pain). I’m sure he is not aware. I have battled with this for over two years as my closure because too hurt for words but understand myself better now. Being unable to find a way for full peace. Sometimes the pain of what I read, thrives in me, it’s less now but it cuts deep to think (aside from the obvious with my husband) that a woman exists that attempted to dismantle my children’s lives purposefully, unkindly… pitching my husband against my daughter. I didnt really want to involve myself but I’m set that this is the way I can put this behind me finally- by shifting the messages and affair back to her - where they belong. I want to be truthful with him about the restaurants the coffee shops, the days out, the sexual talk, the degrading of me and him, the meet ups and the fact she became pregnant and had a termination. The reasons for this are- I cannot get over her involvement with my children (phone calls with my young daughter) and the nastiness she put into our lives. I believe it is one thing to have an affair with a man (obviously unacceptable his behavior- but I think it’s a whole different thing to be actively trying to destroy the wife, the children and that is unfortunately what I have read from the messages and contact I have seen - I think of the painful arguments we had where I felt he was being unfair to my daughter- now knowing how these were being spurred by her dialogue that he wasn’t being “tough enough”.. etc She even messaged my husband the week we lost our baby enquiring about my mental health and proposed meeting times in the delicate time after (which were agreed to). I can’t let go of the fact that such nasty people exist in this world and how much she involved herself in my life unbeknownst to me, . Even messages laughing at me and using code phrases to indicate that either I or her husband were around. I feel that for whatever deficiencies I have as a person, I need to throw all of this madness back into her life and, by doing so, out of my head.

is it okay for me to expose affair to her husband so he is better informed?

I absolutely would tell her husband. And I wouldn't be involving myself further unless to answer any questions he may have.

You also need seriously need to start divorce proceedings immediately. As you are the breadwinner, kick him to the curb, change the locks and I have no doubt he and her can ride off into the sunset together. You said he finished it with her but I sincerely doubt it.

"...lower than a snake"? Are you serious? Whether or not she wants revenge is somewhat beside the point: The other husband deserves to know.

What they've done to you is disgusting and for you to find out they have been ripping you to pieces , breaks my heart for you . What the hell has your pubic hair got to do with it ? I have a full bush , my body to please myself what I do with it . If your husband feels the need to discuss personal things like that , then he's not worth peeing on
Get him out that door!
Some people are saying don't tell her husband ? Not a chance lady , you make sure that people know exactly what that cheat of a wife is . I hope you can find happiness one day sweetheart 💗

Jacqueline

I'd definitely tell him, but get all of your paperwork and evidence together first as proof.

Ask to meet up with him and speak face to face. You need closure and he definitely needs to know what he's married to.

I'd be using a copy of all paperwork to seek a divorce If you haven't done this already.

I hope you can find peace and let go of what they did to you. Xx

Oh sweetheart I'm truly sorry to hear how you feeling what a scum bag of a husband and a nasty hoe of a woman. Let him go he's not worth it .you will gain from this and build your life back perhaps in time you will meet a decent man but put yourself and your children first. karma will get him trust me.ive had similar stuff done to me but it takes time to heal and you build your life back up again

Wait until the divorce has gone through and you have the best financial outcome you can possibly get and then send the man an organised folder of all the evidence.

Tell him, I told literally everyone my ex knew and felt better. Not completely, as the devastation takes years to get over, but it did give me some sort of closure and control back over the betrayal.

I genuinely believe he is mentally ill so remained with him because he was threatening suicide

Has your husband been medically diagnosed with a mental illness? Because threatening suicide once they’ve been caught out is very much part of the Script.
Your husband not only cheated with this woman but also with his ex wife. He threatens suicide, you stay, no consequences for him so why shouldn’t he do it again?
You might find a period of separation helps you to see more clearly what your husband is and how drama free yoyr life can be without him.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is horrifying and traumatic, especially given you had to read everything written.. particularly disgusted that they spoke about you losing a baby. If I were you I would definitely speak to a professional and get some therapy through this, I would also try and focus into something you enjoy, something physical like yoga or gym classes. As far as exposing the affair, I don’t think anyone in their right mind could blame you for doing so but protect your peace first. Is this going to cause more anguish to you.. and if so, maybe re-think. This other woman doesn’t deserve anything but you do.. and she will get her karma don’t worry about that. If you feel your life will be even further damaged by exposing her to her husband, don’t do it. But that’s easier said than done x

Two years is a long time to hold on to this woman's deceit towards her husband.I would have told him at the time. It's never too late. Definitely do what you need to do if it helps you find peace.

I will add there is a small chance the husband knows about the affair with another small chance they have an open marriage & your husband was also subjected to their nasty games. I would add something along those lines just so you make this man aware you have thought about all eventualities and aren't blind to goings on of that nature. I wish you every happiness moving on with your family life.

This is awful and so sad that you are still suffering.

IMO revenge does not necessarily equal closure, and the way the scenario plays out in your head is unlikely to be the reality. There is a strong likelihood that the OW is a master manipulator and you could be convincingly painted as the psychopath. You've had a taste of what she is capable of, so who knows what else could be unleashed. She may have already given her husband a convincing version of events to future proof herself against exposure. He may not even care. There are limitless scenarios, but what is 100% certain is that you have zero control over what happens next, once you have told her husband/thrown in the hand grenade. Even if it plays out as you would hope, schadenfreude has a short shelf life. I'm not saying you shouldn't tell him, but you do need to manage your expectations.

The fact that you remain so angry and hurt (not a criticism) is evidence that the OW and your husband still have power over your emotional wellbeing, so you could benefit from making that your focus. Maybe remind yourself that their thoughts, their lies, vile words and actions all came from a place of weakness, not strength. They fed off each other because they needed to, in order to feel powerful. Those are their weaknesses, not yours. Everything they said and did makes them needy, pathetic and vile.

Without necessarily realising it, you are the one with the power. You are the constant looming threat to the status quo. You are also stronger than you think. You are a mother, the breadwinner and you have spent all this time carrying on, sticking with someone who has caused you so much pain. You have put others before yourself. That all takes incredible strength.

One thing that prevents closure, can cause us to ruminate and spiral down, is the question, 'why?' If you have found yourself asking, 'why they were so cruel' or, 'why this happened to you' etc., I can guarantee your brain sought answers that threw up, and possibly continues to throw up, every insecurity you have ever had. Do NOT ask why, because the answers do not lie within you.

I suggest you focus your energy on making a plan to create the life you want. Treat this chapter as a valuable life lesson and use it to reaffirm your own wonderful qualities. When you cease feeling like a victim and feel 'indifferent' towards her and potentially him, you will know you are #winningatlife. I would make it less about closure and more about personal growth.

Good luck ❤️

I didn’t read your full post because i decided after the bits about your children- the loss of your baby- I am so sorry ❤️- that yes you should tell the husband and the woman (and your husband) are pieces of shit. Sending you a big hug op. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You will be stronger out the other side. Xxx

I took the high road, I regret it 20 years later.

Please tell me you took screenshots of those conversations ,because if you did I'll be sending those conversations to her husband, then she can't deny anything and take your husband to the cleaners the only way you hurt a man is through their pockets.. Dont take him back either they never change ,you are beautiful and deserve better .. ❤️

What an awful situation for you OP
I agree you need closure from this matter, and if telling the husband grants you that, then all the better. And he deserves to know.
But you need to leave your husband as well. You sound so down.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

you will only get closure when you move forward. Sounds to me like you are still living in the past. Yes revenge may feel good but it will not get rid of all your anger and hurt. You need to ditch your DH and take your first step on your own. Your first step on the road to your recovery.
trust me hatred for a person eats away at you and doesn’t hurt the person who caused it. Move forward and don’t waste any more energy on two people who quite clearly had no respect for you. The step to walk away will be hard but each week it will get easier.
all the best of luck

OP kindly I think the reason you can't get over the pain isn't the woman, it's that you have stayed with this awful man who's betrayed you and left you feeling this powerless anger. I know you once loved him but his mental health struggles are not on you, you can't fix him qnd shouldn't stay with him for that reason. Leave him and you will feel better. I don't think telling the husband will actually help you feel better at all really as the betrayal will still be there. But I would tell him too.

Have to keep the details vague as it's not my story, but someone close to me on discovering her husband's affair contacted the woman's husband to let him know. Both men left her and she took her life, leaving two small children.
If it was me, I would absolutely want to know, but just be prepared that sharing this information will have consequences beyond your control. Not your fault, not your shame, you need to do whatever you need to heal and move on.
I am so sorry you are going through this, it is not you or anything you have or have not done. Good people do not cheat!
Although the couple mentioned did stay together and their relationship was goodish. The woman is still haunted by the affair, her husband died seven years ago, and it troubles her that they are together again. The man died of cancer which was almost certainly triggered by his complex grief for the ow and didn't die a contented man.
For me, once the trust is gone, I'm out.
I've tried staying, but i ended up being hypervigilant and anxious, before disengaging emotionally. If I'm not enough for someone, that's ok, they can go with my blessing, however, if it's as an add on for their sad little ego, they can fuck off.
The headspace this shit takes will affect time with your children that you won't get back.
Please don't let your husband distort your sense of self. They have both behaved despicably, with their conversations being childish.
I'm sorry this man is the father of your children, you all deserve and are worth more.

Edit at the end: '... less about' revenge' (not closure) and more about personal growth.

Furstly I'm so sorry you've been treated this way by the pair of them. You must feel so devastated by what you have found out. I totally understand why you would want to cause hurt to the OW by telling her H, but I think you won't achieve what you're imagining and you likely won't get the closure you're hoping for, which might actually make you feel worse afterwards. I also think the person that will have their life ruined will be the OW husband and potentially any children they have (and what have they done to deserve that?).

I would start having some counselling for you alone, to get some strength and self confidence back and give yourself an opportunity to vent about OW and H. I think the nasty messages were to do with dehumanising you, so they felt less guilt for what they were doing to you.

You should seriously think about divorcing him, but give yourself time and space to gather your evidence. Start keeping a diary of how he treats you and the kids, and how he involved them in the affair and how they were treated by the pair of them. Include any instances of abusive behaviour. Threats of suicide will not go down well with the courts.
Once you're in a strong position get yourself a good solicitor and get shot of him. Personally I would want to limit my kids having contact with someone so vile.
You will find the thought of being without him is much worse than the reality. You will gradually find yourself again. Focus on mending you and forget about the wastes of space that she and your H are.

If, once you have got rid of him and are in a stronger place yourself, you still feel the need to tell the OW's H, then I would do it anonymously. Then forget about the sorry excuses for humans that she and your (hopefully then ex) H are forever.

What a vile pair. I don't blame you for wanting revenge. But like others have advised you, OP, don't hand the letter to him in person.
You need to focus on yourself and your children. Build yourself up and move on.
I hope you can find happiness and leave this awful situation behind

We need more people in the world like Lindjam.

The woman who did that to her will probably think twice the next time she wants to wreck a family. Hopefully she got her just desserts, and she’s miserable.

This is a good point. You do owe yourself first and foremost, though.

Of course. I think in this case the OP is looking for closure and won't get it this way, she'd get it (in my opinion) by leaving her husband. But that doesn't mean it's a bad thing to tell the other bloke I reckon.

Well ask yourself this...if it had been him who found out would you of wanted him to tell you? I for one would 100000% tell him 1. Because I'd want to ruin her life too 🙃 and 2. He deserves to know, someone that nasty will surely do it again and he doesn't deserve to have his life wasted on her cheating is bad enough but the behaviour of it all is disgusting lowest of the low imo! BUT be prepared for him to mot thank ypu maybe as ignorance can be bliss to some but mainly if it was me I'd be pissed ud known for 2years already and not told me!