Tell other woman husband of affair

[Thoroughthought]

I don’t really have people around me that I can talk to about this so I’ve decided to try this. I’m still hurting and I can’t move on without a final step of closure.
My husband had an affair two years ago. It lasted for a year and a half and I was blindsided. Found out by chance by my car not matching his phone. Dealing with the gaslighting lying and pain whilst over months discovering that each detail was worse than the version sold to me before. We have three children. The pain caused by my husband is not the reason why I am writing. I am writing because in my learning of this… I read messages that stay with me because of the nasty character of husband but also the woman involved. Hurtful things they shared about me. Discussions about my body, pubic hair, our sex lives, my personal life, work, loss of my baby for example. Messages where she nastily encouraged my husband not to buy me a gift for my birthday (which he agreed with to her but did anyway) and I can’t undo what I’ve read in this catastrophic soul destroying dialogue over the years that I was caring for our young children unknowingly of this deceit. I thought we were happily married and think my husband is a psychopath. On the other woman- I can’t let it go that she had contact with my children and sent them gifts.- some of which I even thanked her for over the phone. The reason why I write this is because whereas I am navigating the storm that is my husband and know he is abusive. I have thought endlessly about how I can get closure and I feel that after so much ruminating…. I know… or at least feel that closure for me, as weird as this seems … please bare with… is that I need to tell the husband/partner of the woman of the affair. I want him to know what she was doing and that it was not just their affair but also the nasty steps taken to unnecessarily cause me (and no doubt him unnecessary humiliation and pain). I’m sure he is not aware. I have battled with this for over two years as my closure because too hurt for words but understand myself better now. Being unable to find a way for full peace. Sometimes the pain of what I read, thrives in me, it’s less now but it cuts deep to think (aside from the obvious with my husband) that a woman exists that attempted to dismantle my children’s lives purposefully, unkindly… pitching my husband against my daughter. I didnt really want to involve myself but I’m set that this is the way I can put this behind me finally- by shifting the messages and affair back to her - where they belong. I want to be truthful with him about the restaurants the coffee shops, the days out, the sexual talk, the degrading of me and him, the meet ups and the fact she became pregnant and had a termination. The reasons for this are- I cannot get over her involvement with my children (phone calls with my young daughter) and the nastiness she put into our lives. I believe it is one thing to have an affair with a man (obviously unacceptable his behavior- but I think it’s a whole different thing to be actively trying to destroy the wife, the children and that is unfortunately what I have read from the messages and contact I have seen - I think of the painful arguments we had where I felt he was being unfair to my daughter- now knowing how these were being spurred by her dialogue that he wasn’t being “tough enough”.. etc She even messaged my husband the week we lost our baby enquiring about my mental health and proposed meeting times in the delicate time after (which were agreed to). I can’t let go of the fact that such nasty people exist in this world and how much she involved herself in my life unbeknownst to me, . Even messages laughing at me and using code phrases to indicate that either I or her husband were around. I feel that for whatever deficiencies I have as a person, I need to throw all of this madness back into her life and, by doing so, out of my head.

is it okay for me to expose affair to her husband so he is better informed?

Ok, so firstly I would ask DH to leave before you tell her DH. Once he’s out, then do it.

And yes, absolutely tell him. You owe her nothing, who cares what happens to her. She’s inflicted absolute terror on you and your DC. In fact I think it’s your duty to tell him because then she’ll have consequences and think twice before her next victims.

I’d not only tell him, I’d tell anyone I know that knows her family. I’d try to destroy her as revenge for upsetting me and my DC. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

The letter is a good thing. Also give him the opportunity to call you with questions.

Your DH broke the contract if your marriage when he cheated. He’s no longer your partner. If he wants to jump off a cliff that’s his problem. Ask him does he need any recommendations for the highest cliff.

Yep, I’d tell him. YANBU.

Been in your shoes. All of those telling you to say nothing have no understanding of the pain. This was not a one night stand or a quick fling. The level of deceit is beyond comprehension unless you have been through it.
Tell her Husband write down every detail and make a copy send one to him and then take your time to burn the other copy it will be like a cleansing.

Tell him by all means but I don’t think it will give you the closure that you seek.

You have clearly been through a hugely traumatic experience and I think you would get a lot of benefit from therapy/CBT to help separate their disgusting behaviour from your sense of worth.

Of course it's vengeance. If it isn't then what is it that she wants to achieve?

So that her husband is " better informed" Oh really, be honest about it.

I would tell him purely out of spite, if it were me.

However morally, it is also the correct thing, because he deserves to know.

Yes tell him. Those two took delight in ganging up on you. I always think that when people gang up on or "other" other people it means they are scared. So give them, particularly her, something to be scared about.

How sad this all is.
You say he had an affair with his ex wife too?
And yet you stay. Why?
Are you ok? Are you safe? You make yourself very vulnerable completing the square (you, h, ow, her husband). But are you ready for him, you h to extract revenge?
I'm worried you are going to suffer. That concerns me.

Your children. Exposed to all this for years. Are they OK? Are they mentally safe?
Are they witnessing their mum degenerating in front of them?

For your sake and your children's sake, get out, start afresh, send the letter when you you are in a safe space both physically and mentally.

I would be very cautious - you do not know if the other woman is capable of physically hurting you (or even your children). As others have said, get whatever help you can to focus on starting building up your own emotional strength so you are able to leave your H as soon as possible (no matter how much you think you love him, what he feels for you is not love, but control). See a solicitor too as soon as you feel able. Do not do anything that might jeopardise the safety of you and your children. So sorry you have been going through so much suffering. You deserve so much better than this. It will take time, but you can rebuild a better life for you and your children. Be kind to yourself 🌻

I think op might have taken from the ex wife if so 🤷‍♀️

Punishing her and her husband won’t make you happy.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t tell him, just that any satisfaction you will feel will be short lived.

Your unhappy marriage is what you need to address… and end.

Do it but only if you’re safe from abusive DH.

100% tell the husband. She deserves a small taste of what she put you through.

I would always tell the husband in your situation, if only because for a small second it would make me feel better.

We see it so often on Mumsnet where someone says the other woman doesn't owe us loyalty, that it was our husband who made a promise to us etc (that part is true) but if we don't think the other woman owes us anything then why do I owe her my silence?

@Thoroughthought

I wouldn’t tell the husband. I think the person you are intending to hurt is pretty incapable of feeling remorse, regret or acknowledging the pain she has caused. Her moral standards are not the same as yours. I think only the husband and their children (if they have them) would suffer the consequences and feel the true hurt.

I think one way to gain closure is to realise you are the strong one who is the best role model to your children. Just in day to day life, your moral standards, behaviour, choices are good. You are a good person. You’ve been let down by two people who don’t possess that ability. They are weak - and ultimately you should be proud as you are strong. Don’t even their horrible behaviour sink you to anywhere near their level.

Badass.

You need to sort yourself out before you go writing to the woman’s husband.
it sounds like you want “justice” and you want her to suffer like you are. These are totally normal feelings but they are destructive.
worry about yourself first. Heal yourself first abd you won’t have these feelings about her.
You need to leave your husband. You need to have counselling and learn about your attachment trauma.
once you’ve done all that then You think about interfering in other peoples lives.

Change the order of your responses. Item five needs to be your priority.

I would work on your own self esteem and mental wellbeing before you start thinking about poking a sharp stick into someone else’s life and stirring it around. Healing yourself is not about damaging someone else, her husband is not the person who has caused you harm and pain.

I told the other women’s husband. People need to know the truth

I told the other woman’s husband. People need to know the truth

@Thoroughthought I have thought endlessly about how I can get closure

It sounds like you don’t want closure. You want revenge against this woman.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not unreasonable to feel vengeful after being betrayed and hurt by two people to the extent they have done to you. Honestly your feelings are valid here.

But to get real closure, you need to end the marriage and book in for therapy.

You are never going to trust this man again. The marriage is over. It’s over due to his actions and life together will never be the same. You deserve so much better and life is too short to live in an unhappy home.

Telling the OW’s husband will not make any of this any better. It might make you feel better and give a boost for a short while, but not in the long run. The damage to you has already been done. There’s a big chance this man already knows or has his suspicions. Their marriage = not your circus.

Protect your peace by getting therapy, leaving this cheating scumbag and trying to forget about the OW. She is irrelevant now.

I hope you can move forwards.

What are you hoping to achieve?

If it’s because you genuinely want the DH to know for his benefit, then go ahead.

If it’s because you want some sort of closure/vengeance then you will most likely he disappointed.

I personally think you’ve been through enough and don’t need any more drama out of this but I wouldn’t blame you for telling him.

Your need to focus on the main issue here, which is your ‘D’H.
If you can’t forgive this women, who is no one to you then you can never forgive your DH.

You are just going to spend weeks, months or even years trying to get past what your DH did and resentment is going to build up.

You’ll eventually break up with him (or more likely he’ll break up with you especially if this woman becomes single) and then you are going to look back and regret the time wasted trying to make it work.

If someone cheats as a one off, then there is a chance that the relationship can get over it.

When someone has an affair which involves a deep connection and it’s not just about sex, then the relationship cannot get over it.

I like your suggestion @FetaCheeseManiac about recommendations re the highest cliff the husband could jump off.

I'm staggered you are still with this lying, toe rag leech you married @Thoroughthought.

He has an ex wife - were you the other woman ?

Absolutely tell her husband, with all the evidence and details that you know, this way it will be very likely he will believe you and if you haven't left your Husband, do it ASAP.

Yes, tell the husband, he deserves to know.

I’m so sorry that you have been through such a traumatic and appalling time. You have my every sympathy.