I don’t really have people around me that I can talk to about this so I’ve decided to try this. I’m still hurting and I can’t move on without a final step of closure.
My husband had an affair two years ago. It lasted for a year and a half and I was blindsided. Found out by chance by my car not matching his phone. Dealing with the gaslighting lying and pain whilst over months discovering that each detail was worse than the version sold to me before. We have three children. The pain caused by my husband is not the reason why I am writing. I am writing because in my learning of this… I read messages that stay with me because of the nasty character of husband but also the woman involved. Hurtful things they shared about me. Discussions about my body, pubic hair, our sex lives, my personal life, work, loss of my baby for example. Messages where she nastily encouraged my husband not to buy me a gift for my birthday (which he agreed with to her but did anyway) and I can’t undo what I’ve read in this catastrophic soul destroying dialogue over the years that I was caring for our young children unknowingly of this deceit. I thought we were happily married and think my husband is a psychopath. On the other woman- I can’t let it go that she had contact with my children and sent them gifts.- some of which I even thanked her for over the phone. The reason why I write this is because whereas I am navigating the storm that is my husband and know he is abusive. I have thought endlessly about how I can get closure and I feel that after so much ruminating…. I know… or at least feel that closure for me, as weird as this seems … please bare with… is that I need to tell the husband/partner of the woman of the affair. I want him to know what she was doing and that it was not just their affair but also the nasty steps taken to unnecessarily cause me (and no doubt him unnecessary humiliation and pain). I’m sure he is not aware. I have battled with this for over two years as my closure because too hurt for words but understand myself better now. Being unable to find a way for full peace. Sometimes the pain of what I read, thrives in me, it’s less now but it cuts deep to think (aside from the obvious with my husband) that a woman exists that attempted to dismantle my children’s lives purposefully, unkindly… pitching my husband against my daughter. I didnt really want to involve myself but I’m set that this is the way I can put this behind me finally- by shifting the messages and affair back to her - where they belong. I want to be truthful with him about the restaurants the coffee shops, the days out, the sexual talk, the degrading of me and him, the meet ups and the fact she became pregnant and had a termination. The reasons for this are- I cannot get over her involvement with my children (phone calls with my young daughter) and the nastiness she put into our lives. I believe it is one thing to have an affair with a man (obviously unacceptable his behavior- but I think it’s a whole different thing to be actively trying to destroy the wife, the children and that is unfortunately what I have read from the messages and contact I have seen - I think of the painful arguments we had where I felt he was being unfair to my daughter- now knowing how these were being spurred by her dialogue that he wasn’t being “tough enough”.. etc She even messaged my husband the week we lost our baby enquiring about my mental health and proposed meeting times in the delicate time after (which were agreed to). I can’t let go of the fact that such nasty people exist in this world and how much she involved herself in my life unbeknownst to me, . Even messages laughing at me and using code phrases to indicate that either I or her husband were around. I feel that for whatever deficiencies I have as a person, I need to throw all of this madness back into her life and, by doing so, out of my head.
is it okay for me to expose affair to her husband so he is better informed?