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Original poster

Tell other woman husband of affair

257 replies

Thoroughthought · 22/08/2024 11:33

I don’t really have people around me that I can talk to about this so I’ve decided to try this. I’m still hurting and I can’t move on without a final step of closure.
My husband had an affair two years ago. It lasted for a year and a half and I was blindsided. Found out by chance by my car not matching his phone. Dealing with the gaslighting lying and pain whilst over months discovering that each detail was worse than the version sold to me before. We have three children. The pain caused by my husband is not the reason why I am writing. I am writing because in my learning of this… I read messages that stay with me because of the nasty character of husband but also the woman involved. Hurtful things they shared about me. Discussions about my body, pubic hair, our sex lives, my personal life, work, loss of my baby for example. Messages where she nastily encouraged my husband not to buy me a gift for my birthday (which he agreed with to her but did anyway) and I can’t undo what I’ve read in this catastrophic soul destroying dialogue over the years that I was caring for our young children unknowingly of this deceit. I thought we were happily married and think my husband is a psychopath. On the other woman- I can’t let it go that she had contact with my children and sent them gifts.- some of which I even thanked her for over the phone. The reason why I write this is because whereas I am navigating the storm that is my husband and know he is abusive. I have thought endlessly about how I can get closure and I feel that after so much ruminating…. I know… or at least feel that closure for me, as weird as this seems … please bare with… is that I need to tell the husband/partner of the woman of the affair. I want him to know what she was doing and that it was not just their affair but also the nasty steps taken to unnecessarily cause me (and no doubt him unnecessary humiliation and pain). I’m sure he is not aware. I have battled with this for over two years as my closure because too hurt for words but understand myself better now. Being unable to find a way for full peace. Sometimes the pain of what I read, thrives in me, it’s less now but it cuts deep to think (aside from the obvious with my husband) that a woman exists that attempted to dismantle my children’s lives purposefully, unkindly… pitching my husband against my daughter. I didnt really want to involve myself but I’m set that this is the way I can put this behind me finally- by shifting the messages and affair back to her - where they belong. I want to be truthful with him about the restaurants the coffee shops, the days out, the sexual talk, the degrading of me and him, the meet ups and the fact she became pregnant and had a termination. The reasons for this are- I cannot get over her involvement with my children (phone calls with my young daughter) and the nastiness she put into our lives. I believe it is one thing to have an affair with a man (obviously unacceptable his behavior- but I think it’s a whole different thing to be actively trying to destroy the wife, the children and that is unfortunately what I have read from the messages and contact I have seen - I think of the painful arguments we had where I felt he was being unfair to my daughter- now knowing how these were being spurred by her dialogue that he wasn’t being “tough enough”.. etc She even messaged my husband the week we lost our baby enquiring about my mental health and proposed meeting times in the delicate time after (which were agreed to). I can’t let go of the fact that such nasty people exist in this world and how much she involved herself in my life unbeknownst to me, . Even messages laughing at me and using code phrases to indicate that either I or her husband were around. I feel that for whatever deficiencies I have as a person, I need to throw all of this madness back into her life and, by doing so, out of my head.

is it okay for me to expose affair to her husband so he is better informed?

OP posts:
tolerable · 27/08/2024 15:08

Yes. Do it
However. Don't expect it to erase the hurt you are feeling. I hope to god you've binned your husband?

Qanat53 · 27/08/2024 15:35

Expose affair anonymously. Be prepared for nothing to change as he might already know, and be conducting his own affair.

If you are truly dastardly, and will be sure not traced back to you, make it nasty and say woman is stealing his money or something hurtful.

Revenge best served cold.

eeeeeeeee · 27/08/2024 15:41

To be honest your plan sounds awful

Look, nothing about your posts surprises me. They had an affair. This is what an affair looks like. They didn’t go over and above a “normal affair”. You’re just in denial. You think this nasty woman poisoned your husband against you, and set out to destroy you, and that’s what makes this affair so different to other affairs. That’s not true. They obviously tell each other how horrible their respective partners are, to justify the guilt they are having in being in an affair!

You going to her house and stalking her husband sounds unhinged. I think tell him, but surely you can just send him a message on social media or obtain his contact details another way. Stalking him and giving him a letter is weird and doesn’t make you look good. It’s 2024, there’s no need for a physical letter in this situation. In fact you informing him about the affair is much more stronger if you sent him a message with evidence such as screenshots. I don’t know why you’re fixated on hand delivering a letter to him like it’s a court summons!

DBD1975 · 27/08/2024 15:42

Please don't go ahead with telling her husband. Don't you think he knows? Had you done it at the time in anger totally understandable but to do it now will just stir up a whole load of trouble for you and your husband, you don't need the drama.

Having said all of the above, given your husband's behaviour I don't know how you have continued with the marriage. Just the disrespect would be enough for me to end it.

TheAlchemy · 27/08/2024 15:43

I think there are a few other things you need to prioritise and focus on in order to find healing

  1. leaving this man!! I can’t tell either way if you have already? I’m assuming you’re not divorced as you refer to him as your husband. You need to leave and you need to get divorced.

  2. therapy, and lots of it, to recover from all of this trauma and the associated issues

HollyKnight · 27/08/2024 15:45

I would go full scorched earth on both of them. This OW is not some daft sap who fell for your predator husband's lies. She's a proper nasty cunt. As is he. I would destroy her and then him.

ttcat37 · 27/08/2024 15:48

100% tell him. Not only does he deserve to know but you deserve to dish out some revenge. Some might bleat about being the bigger person etc etc but it’s far more satisfying to get your own back. And leave your awful husband. He’s equally as bad.

SummerFade · 27/08/2024 15:56

Firstly, I think you need to understand that you never really get ‘closure’ after a long term partner has had an affair and gaslighted you for years. Even years afterwards there are still things that crop up and serve to remind you of the pain you suffered. It doesn’t really go away.

Secondly, you can’t assume that the OW’s husband will listen to you. I tried to warn him but I only knew him as a vague acquaintance and he refused to believe the evidence. She lied to him and he chose to believe her and then he started to harass me, so I wouldn’t recommend going down that route, just in case it causes you more pain.

Cattery · 27/08/2024 15:58

I’d do it n a heartbeat. I’d feel no guilt or remorse. If I had evidence to hand I’d send it to him. Throw the grenade in like she did to you. Bastard

Cattery · 27/08/2024 15:59

HollyKnight · 27/08/2024 15:45

I would go full scorched earth on both of them. This OW is not some daft sap who fell for your predator husband's lies. She's a proper nasty cunt. As is he. I would destroy her and then him.

Yep

RichmondReader · 27/08/2024 16:04

Hi OP

What a piece of shit - both of them. I completely understand your urge to tell the OW's husband. I'm not here to talk to you out of it - and in your shoes I'd probably want to do the same thing - he deserves to know, BUT I will say this: Until you are away from your husband, you will not be thinking clearly and you will not necessarily be acting in your own best interests.

For YEARS he has confused and deluded you. Gaslit you, lied, cheated, threatened, begged, run the script - suicide / mental health excuses, and you are still there. You CANNOT think straight whilst you are in this 'relationship'. Does he feel suicidal? I don't know, but I'd put my house on 'no'. Does he have mental health issues? I don't know, but I'd put my house on 'no'. It's all part and parcel of making you doubt yourself, minimise his betrayal and guilt you into staying. And as long as you are living in this hyper-sensitive state of confusion, you are not able to make the best decisions for yourself.

Please please focus on leaving him.

Then give yourself some time
Then speak to the OW husband if you want to. No one would blame you for a minute.

But leave this fucking piece of shit first.

Gilbertwasawuss · 27/08/2024 16:05

Having read all your updates, yes tell him.

To be honest I would (and have done) tell him regardless of anything else.
It is the right thing to do.

Everyone has a right to know if their spouse is making a mug out of them and I can't stand back with that knowledge.

Also, your husband is emotionally abusive and doesn't deserve all these second chances. He's not going to kill himself he just wants to control you.

You deserve so, so much more.
You only have this one life

azlazee1 · 27/08/2024 16:11

Please tell us you've left your husband. If not, you should. I would make sure his family and yours are well aware of the reasons why. I don't think I'd tell her husband. You want to hurt her but its him who'd be the one hurt the most.

momtoboys · 27/08/2024 16:14

Thinking of you and hoping you can get some peace.

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/08/2024 16:42

You want revenge.

I can understand that and if that's what you feel you have to do, then do it.

It won't make you feel better though, and it won't bring you 'closure'. You'll get your closure by leaving your arsehole husband and living your own life.

Lindjam · 27/08/2024 16:49

I actually printed off all the pages and pages of messenger exchanges between my XH and OW and put them through their letter box when I knew he was there and she was at work.

I don’t regret it at all, he deserved to be fully informed.

I do think that ultimately your closure will never come until you leave your 💩 husband.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/08/2024 16:50

@Thoroughthought

If you feel that giving this woman's husband a letter detailing the details will bring you peace, then go ahead.

But please, please realize that you may not get the reaction you hope for from him, or any reaction at all. Or he may be very angry at you and/or denounce you as a liar. Often the bearer of bad tidings catches hell from the person to whom they're trying to tell the truth.

The DH isn't going to keep this to himself. So the OW will know and tell your STBX, don't think for a second that she won't. If you explode her life, she'll gladly return the favour. How they'll react who knows, but are you prepared for the worst? IIRC you're still living in the same house and your STBX will be able to make your life an absolute hell. It will also make him very vindictive if/when it comes to a divorce.

So do it if you must, just be prepared for the fallout. Because it will be nuclear.

JFDIYOLO · 27/08/2024 16:53

If I were in his shoes - and didn't already know - I would want to KNOW.

I would want the courtesy of the truth and the right to decide what to do next.

I would to know, if everything I thought was true was not.

I would hate to think of going through life living a lie with a liar.

Be very very careful, though.

There might be the possibility that he might harm himself.

Or harm her. Causing revenge pain without landing a blow yourself may seem very attractive (it would to me) - but can still land you in trouble with the law.

And you would then have to deal with the consequences with your husband.

Or harm your husband - who is still the father of your children, and presumably that would hurt them?

Murder has been done for less.

I have to ask though - are you still with him? If so - WHY?

BigAnne · 27/08/2024 17:00

@Thoroughthought this was very painful to read but you won't begin to heal until you end your marriage.

YellowphantGrey · 27/08/2024 17:05

Thoroughthought · 22/08/2024 11:33

I don’t really have people around me that I can talk to about this so I’ve decided to try this. I’m still hurting and I can’t move on without a final step of closure.
My husband had an affair two years ago. It lasted for a year and a half and I was blindsided. Found out by chance by my car not matching his phone. Dealing with the gaslighting lying and pain whilst over months discovering that each detail was worse than the version sold to me before. We have three children. The pain caused by my husband is not the reason why I am writing. I am writing because in my learning of this… I read messages that stay with me because of the nasty character of husband but also the woman involved. Hurtful things they shared about me. Discussions about my body, pubic hair, our sex lives, my personal life, work, loss of my baby for example. Messages where she nastily encouraged my husband not to buy me a gift for my birthday (which he agreed with to her but did anyway) and I can’t undo what I’ve read in this catastrophic soul destroying dialogue over the years that I was caring for our young children unknowingly of this deceit. I thought we were happily married and think my husband is a psychopath. On the other woman- I can’t let it go that she had contact with my children and sent them gifts.- some of which I even thanked her for over the phone. The reason why I write this is because whereas I am navigating the storm that is my husband and know he is abusive. I have thought endlessly about how I can get closure and I feel that after so much ruminating…. I know… or at least feel that closure for me, as weird as this seems … please bare with… is that I need to tell the husband/partner of the woman of the affair. I want him to know what she was doing and that it was not just their affair but also the nasty steps taken to unnecessarily cause me (and no doubt him unnecessary humiliation and pain). I’m sure he is not aware. I have battled with this for over two years as my closure because too hurt for words but understand myself better now. Being unable to find a way for full peace. Sometimes the pain of what I read, thrives in me, it’s less now but it cuts deep to think (aside from the obvious with my husband) that a woman exists that attempted to dismantle my children’s lives purposefully, unkindly… pitching my husband against my daughter. I didnt really want to involve myself but I’m set that this is the way I can put this behind me finally- by shifting the messages and affair back to her - where they belong. I want to be truthful with him about the restaurants the coffee shops, the days out, the sexual talk, the degrading of me and him, the meet ups and the fact she became pregnant and had a termination. The reasons for this are- I cannot get over her involvement with my children (phone calls with my young daughter) and the nastiness she put into our lives. I believe it is one thing to have an affair with a man (obviously unacceptable his behavior- but I think it’s a whole different thing to be actively trying to destroy the wife, the children and that is unfortunately what I have read from the messages and contact I have seen - I think of the painful arguments we had where I felt he was being unfair to my daughter- now knowing how these were being spurred by her dialogue that he wasn’t being “tough enough”.. etc She even messaged my husband the week we lost our baby enquiring about my mental health and proposed meeting times in the delicate time after (which were agreed to). I can’t let go of the fact that such nasty people exist in this world and how much she involved herself in my life unbeknownst to me, . Even messages laughing at me and using code phrases to indicate that either I or her husband were around. I feel that for whatever deficiencies I have as a person, I need to throw all of this madness back into her life and, by doing so, out of my head.

is it okay for me to expose affair to her husband so he is better informed?

Why are you still with him?

If you tell her husband then it's all out, everyone knows and I think he has the right to know. Do you have copies of these messages? If he asks for proof then you have them.

If it was me I'd be planning my own divorce and then letting him know so he can choose to do as he wishes.

But if you choose to stay with your husband, you will never get over this unless you can forgive and forget, else it's always going to be there in the background and will rear it's head during every argument or any time he's out alone or any other reason.

Tahlbias · 27/08/2024 17:06

I would 100% tell the ow husband/partner. Why should your life fall apart and not the ow's! I'm sorry this have happened to you and it's soul destroying. Don't let him have a hold over you any longer!

MeridianB · 27/08/2024 17:07

This pair sound beyond despicable.

Yes, tell her husband, She is a total bitch and deserves it.

And then please throw your vile husband out. 💜

semideponent · 27/08/2024 17:10

How horrendously painful for you. I am so sorry.

Can I put a slightly different spin on this? You say you want closure as an outcome of telling the OW's husband, and that's the assumption I'd question. Would it be closure, or would it be deeper involvement?

If it represents closure, then what is it about telling him that feels like closure?

Revenge? Exposure? Truth being known? Someone else experiencing pain? A feeling that nothing else is left to leak out (I appreciate that you've been on the receiving end of gaslighting and dripfeed info).

I think the more important thing is reaching closure within yourself - the slow work of healing your self image and building good boundaries. No instant release from pain in that, but it means this is less likely to happen again to you.

I'm not saying don't tell him - I don't really have a view either way on that. ut be careful about your expectations of what will happen next. You might not get the response you expect or the closure you expect.

If you can access therapy it could be really helpful.

Gonk123 · 27/08/2024 17:10

Tell him. He may have had doubts or a gut feeling and never found out but there is nothing worse than feeling something but having no proof. Then if he wants to stay with her, he can, knowing what she is!

Allthecheeseplease · 27/08/2024 17:17

The poor children, on both sides.

You need to leave. If you can't find the strength then please ring women's aid. Your children will be damaged by all of this. The affair, the toxic environment, the arguments.

I hope you find the closure you need. Remember we model relationships for our children so if you can't leave for yourself please, please leave for them.

I left, I didn't look back. You can do it too.