Would you return a call to a partner from 30 years ago?

[Roseau18]

I lived with a man for 6 years in my early 20s. He was 17 years older than me and regularly cheated on me but love-bombed whenever I made an attempt to leave him.

I did eventually walk out for good, married someone else, had children (now all adults) but have been widowed for 8 years.

I last bumped into my former partner just after my husband died, when I was still in.a state of shock, and told him I had just been widowed. He said he was divorced, had always loved me and would like to have me back. I was too polite to say clearly to his face that I have no regrets about leaving him and no intention of renewing a relationship with him but I took leave of him as quickly as I could. He left multiple messages on my lanoline answering machine which I just ignore and eventualky he gave up.

This evening (so almost 8 years later) there was another message from him basically asking me to phone him before it is too late. I think he is dying - his voice was very weak and the message not altogether cohérent (it reminded me very much of how my husband was talking in the weeks précédent his death)

Would you phone him back?

'Other posters should take the time to read the OP's replies rather than urging her to speak to this man. She isn't obligated just because he wants something from her: that was the premise of the unhealthy relationship in the first place and would constitute more of the same.'

This ^ is such good advice. You don't owe him anything; he belongs in the past.

Got one line in to your first post OP and it's a NO from me.
Manipulative people tend to stay that way as they age.
Honestly, if I was you there's no way I would go back there. He sounds like a one man minefield.

you dont owe him your time op

Is there anything he could say that would make a difference to you?
if he is dying you will get to hear about it, will you feel guilt of any sort for not speaking.
only you know….

There was a lad at school who made my life hell for three years at secondary school, from age 13 till I left to move up north. No idea why, he just hated me from the day I arrived and called me a vile name, all the time.
Fast forward 40 years and I got a friend request on Facebook, which I ignored. Then found out he was dying. I still wonder why he sent the friend request, as his profile is still there. He’d have known exactly who I was. It’s been nearly ten years since he died!

Think calmly and sensibly about possible outcomes of the call.

Are you hoping for a heartfelt apology? How likely is that and what would you do with that information? How likely is he to want something back from you after that?

Do you want to tell him how much he hurt you? Are you likely to be able to actually go through with that? Is he likely to apologise in a meaningful way or will he try and argue with you about your memories?

Is he going to leave you his secret fortune? Why does he need to speak to you to do that? What will he expect from you in return?

Is he going to be unchanged and is merely trying his luck yet again? Will the fact that his voice reminds you of your husband make you less able to resist his demands? What is the likelihood the call will upset you and stir up old memories, both of the hurt he inflicted on you and/or of the grief you felt when your husband died?

You don't owe this man anything. Think carefully about the worst thing that could happen as an outcome of calling him and balance that against the (realistic) best outcome. Or just against how you are now, having moved on and living a happier calmer life.

No fucking way!
That is a no brainer to me.

Why didn't you tell him that you had bo regrets about leaving him? This is not about politeness, but about making things fully clear. It is great to be nice, warm, polite, well mannered. To tell a cheating, love bombing man to get lost is the right thing to do. Just say it. Stand your ground and say the words Never ever again, get out of my sight.

Absolutely not, what possibly could he have of interest to say to you? He treated you like shit when you were together, came onto you just after your husband died - this is not a man who deserves it

If you want to satisfy your curiosity or tell him off for mistreating you, call him.
If you think hearing him out would cause you pain or confusion then don't do it.

No NOT factor what's doing the right thing by him/by a dying man into your decision you don't owe him anything. He mistreated you and is now just attention seeking and lokkkng for an ego boost.

This is about you OP not him or what any of us would do.

So, if you want to hear what he has to say, if you feel you want a long-awaited apology, then call. If you will feel bad or always wonder if you don’t, then call.

If you think this is about him being manipulative and if it would upset you to hear his voice again, ignore the fucker.

Well done for leaving him when you did.
💐

OP, he was never kind to you, why would he be now.
You owe him absolutely nothing.
I wouldn't be entertaining him in any way.

Thank you all for your answers. I'm just quoting this one because it addresses all the points that seem important to me. Things seem clearer this morning and I won't be calling him back.

To the people saying I should be gracious/give him some of my timr/allow him to feel better, I have already given him 6 years of my life which I regret but I don' think it makes me vindictive . He isolated me from my friends and family, would never go anywhere with me in the town in which we lived as he didn't want anyone to see him with me (even though we were living together - he suggested I move in with him and I foolishly accepted), He constantly put me down telling me I was too unattractive/boring to ever find another partner and thèse were also the reasons he gave to justify cheating on me and yet whenever I tried to move out he would say he had made a mistake and I was the one he truly loved. I don't feel I owe him anything and certainly don't want to say I forgive him because I don't.

I was seeing a bereavement councellor when I bumped inti him after my husband died and said to her that I wished I had just told him to f**k off. She confirmed that what he said to me then was completely inappropriate and thought my (unspoken) reaction understandable - the only thing that surprised her was why I didn't say it.

I am not curious about what he has to say, since as some of you said he is only interested in himself and I don't want him trying to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him. I think the reason I was hesitating about phoning back is that for some reason,even after all this time, he can still trigger feelings of guilt and inadequacy and make me feel like a terrible person.

On a side noté (because it isnot the ceux of what was troubling me) I'm not worried about missing out on inheriting à fortune. He was divorced with 2 children when I met him and he had another child with the woman he married (and divorced) after me. I would hope he leaves his money to his children but I doubt he has much to leave anyway as he was very poor at managing money and waa always living off his overdraft.

@Roseau18 I'm glad you've made the decision best for you x

Good decision OP.
💐

Only you know the answer to this one. As you said you wished you had told him to F off that’s probably your answer. He didn’t sound like a decent person but a controlling one. Plus the age gap when you were so young. I had an ex that I look back on and still wouldn’t speak to him to this day. I definitely wouldn’t speak to him. Others I would. Follow your gut op.

Why on earth would you ring him? He’s a controlling twat and is using this as an attempt to reel you back in one last time (if he is indeed dying). Don’t give him the satisfaction. Block him and move on, a phone call could be of no consequence but equally he could say something that opens old wounds.

All of this makes me say don’t touch him with a barge pole. He sounds absolutely awful and you’re well rid.

Well done OP. Hope you spend the long weekend doing something enjoyable for you x