Would you return a call to a partner from 30 years ago?

[Roseau18]

I lived with a man for 6 years in my early 20s. He was 17 years older than me and regularly cheated on me but love-bombed whenever I made an attempt to leave him.

I did eventually walk out for good, married someone else, had children (now all adults) but have been widowed for 8 years.

I last bumped into my former partner just after my husband died, when I was still in.a state of shock, and told him I had just been widowed. He said he was divorced, had always loved me and would like to have me back. I was too polite to say clearly to his face that I have no regrets about leaving him and no intention of renewing a relationship with him but I took leave of him as quickly as I could. He left multiple messages on my lanoline answering machine which I just ignore and eventualky he gave up.

This evening (so almost 8 years later) there was another message from him basically asking me to phone him before it is too late. I think he is dying - his voice was very weak and the message not altogether cohérent (it reminded me very much of how my husband was talking in the weeks précédent his death)

Would you phone him back?

Do whatever leaves you with least regrets.

I do this, I'd it disliked? Also, how do I edit?

He has my number because it is a lanoline and was in the phonebook (can be found online). And because it is a lanoline I can't block him.

I most definitely do not want to hear him declare his love for me.

I don't actually know what I want which is why I'm posting here.

Lots of people close to me have died over the past few years and I worry about yet more regrets of things unsaid.

I would like to tell him that he behaved appallingly towards me and took advantage of my youth and naivity (but I also know myself well enough to be aware that it is highly unlikely that I would have the guts to do so).

I think I am just very disturbed by how much he sounded like my husband the lzdt few weeks he was alive and that is bringing up all sorts of memories that I would rather forget.

I would not return his call. He cheated on your regularly. That's terrible behaviour and I wouldn't give him a second chance to get in your life. Also it sounds like you're vulnerable in that he reminded you of your late husband on the phone. Whatever you do look out for yourself only and you owe him nothing

Write the letter op and then burn it.
You will feel better for just having written down, you deserve that much.

I would let him die ( if he is dying ) knowing he couldn't manipulate you into doing as he wished by phoning him.
Let him die know he has no power, he wasn't important enough to respond to.

I'm also very sorry for the loss of you're husband.

no.fuck him,id block him.

Call him. You’ve got nothing to lose

I’d speak to him. Nothing to lose really. He has no power over you any more. Maybe he wants to apologise, beg forgiveness before he dies, who knows. At the very least, I’d have some curiosity. If you call him and he pisses you off, you can just end the call and move on. If you don’t call him, you might feel regret when you hear he’s died.

Personally, I would want to know what he wants tbh. But that's just my personality 😂

He sounds so selfish. He treated you badly when you were younger and again eight years ago by basically making a move as soon as you'd told him you'd been widowed. If it were me I'd ignore him now quite happily, but I could cope with not knowing what's going on with him; I appreciate some people find mysteries unsettling.
Apparently, you can block landline numbers, though I haven't done it myself. Have a look online and hopefully you'll find some info if you want to do that.

Most landline services are able to block specific numbers. If you don't want to hear from him any more, call your provider and ask them how you can do this. There may be a fee involved depending on your service and your provider.

If you don't think you'd be able to say what you want to I wouldn't call him back. It will leave you feeling less in control and even more taken advantage of by him.

You could, potentially, send him a message where you will have the chance to compose what you want to say to him in your own time and not be obliged to listen to him.

Assuming all you or he have as a way of communicating are landlines and you don't want to involve anyone else you can record your statement and play it over the phone to him. Start with something like - "This is a recorded statement" so it will be clear to him that it isn't a conversation and you aren't listening to him. I would finish with a request that he not contact you again. Call him up, when he answers the phone (or an answering machine does) put the receiver down next to whatever you are playing your statement on, start the statement and leave the room. Time how long the statement is so you can come back in when it's finished and put the receiver back. Do not pick it up and listen to him.

That's a bit clunky, so if you have other ways of contacting him (if, say, his phone is a mobile number rather than a landline) you could try texting or something. If you have a mobile phone you can text his landline and the message will be turned into a computer generated voice and read to him. If you have a friend you'd trust with this you could ask them to call and read the statement.

But I would think carefully before you do anything like that - he sounds like he isn't self-aware at all so any contact may just encourage him to try and contact you. If you find these attempts distressing it may be better not to bother and instead find another way to vent your feelings about the way he treated you.

I doubt he’s dying, just putting on a sick voice in an effort to manipulate the OP into contacting him.

Frankly he’s a liar and a cheat and so he would be quite capable of lying about a serious illness.

Block his number from being able to call your landline.

@Claire903 - It's just a phonecall. He's going to be on his last legs.

You don't know that. He could be putting on an ill voice. And again - why should OP? She doesn't owe him anything. What is he going to say that will make her feel better? He might guilt-trip her.

He was a bad partner a lifetime ago. Let it stay in the past.

Absolutely not. He treated you like shit, why on earth do you think you possibly owe him a conversation?

You can block a number from a landline, and I think you should.

Maybe he wants to apologise and heave you money in his will.

I'd speak to him.

Yes, in all honesty I would.

Yes I’d call him.
Purely to say stop bothering me, and how utterly fabulous my life was since i left him, and I’d especially ham up the mind blowing sex life that followed.

I’d phone him to find out why. If he’s dying, say goodbye.
If the feeble voice is put on to get your attention, you know he’s being manipulative so you can tell him to fuck off.

He’s a total stranger. You’ve spoken to him once in 30 years. If he’s still ‘in love’ with you he is not mentally well.

He’s probably looking for something from you. Money or care or attention.

Ignore the weirdo

Yes I would call him back, otherwise I’d always wonder why he called!

A few people have said this or similar. but we know why he’s called right. Either he is dying and he feels guilt and wants OP to ‘forgive’ him and absolve him of all his guilty feelings which is very selfish of him. Or he’s not dying and he’s putting it on to manipulate OP all over again.

in my opinion it’s a win win for him and a lose lose for OP. So I wouldn’t advise calling back. But if you do OP, decide upfront what you want to get out of it

I think it is to apologise for the way he treated you. If he is dying then he might be thinking through his life, the highs and lows, his good choices and bad, people he did right and wrong by.

^ My reaction too.

I'd call him and find out what's going on. If he was just laying the vulnerable voice on thick to manipulate you into calling him, when there's nothing wrong, then I'd give him short shrift. Tell him there's nothing between you and you're not interested. To not contact you again.

Get someone else to call back and say they've had this number for 2 years. He may miraculously revive and speak normally. There's your answer.

Or get a man to record your answerphone message

I think it is to apologise for the way he treated you. If he is dying then he might be thinking through his life, the highs and lows, his good choices and bad, people he did right and wrong by

and? His need for forgiveness for being a cunt doesn’t trump ops desire to forget this idiot ever existed