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Original poster

Would you return a call to a partner from 30 years ago?

118 replies

Roseau18 · 21/08/2024 20:48

I lived with a man for 6 years in my early 20s. He was 17 years older than me and regularly cheated on me but love-bombed whenever I made an attempt to leave him.

I did eventually walk out for good, married someone else, had children (now all adults) but have been widowed for 8 years.

I last bumped into my former partner just after my husband died, when I was still in.a state of shock, and told him I had just been widowed. He said he was divorced, had always loved me and would like to have me back. I was too polite to say clearly to his face that I have no regrets about leaving him and no intention of renewing a relationship with him but I took leave of him as quickly as I could. He left multiple messages on my lanoline answering machine which I just ignore and eventualky he gave up.

This evening (so almost 8 years later) there was another message from him basically asking me to phone him before it is too late. I think he is dying - his voice was very weak and the message not altogether cohérent (it reminded me very much of how my husband was talking in the weeks précédent his death)

Would you phone him back?

OP posts:
DuesToTheDirt · 21/08/2024 22:20

Nope.

I would like to tell him that he behaved appallingly towards me and took advantage of my youth and naivity (but I also know myself well enough to be aware that it is highly unlikely that I would have the guts to do so).

After an ex-boyfriend of mine died, I had various conversations in my head that would now never happen, which was quite frustrating ("Why did you do this? Why didn't you say that?" etc.) But if your ex is actually dying, would you say such things? I don't think so, it's not the time to bring up bad stuff. And if he isn't dying, you'll be angry with yourself for being reeled in. So just leave it.

Original poster
Roseau18 · 21/08/2024 22:25

The landine doesn't bother me too much as it is on silent and I never pick up (except for my mother who calls at the same time every week) so all anyone else can do is leave a message.

He didn't say he was ill and I don't think he was putting on a voice - it had a specific quality to it that I have only heard in my husband.

As many of you have said I do feel that I am being manipulated and even if it is because he wants to ask for forgiveness, I don't think he deserves it.

I am just feeling very, very unsettled by it and don't understand why.

OP posts:
WalkingaroundJardine · 21/08/2024 22:30

No, he sounds like an opportunist to me and his personality is likely still the same as the man you knew years ago. He left multiple messages on your phone after you were widowed and ran into him the previous time. This is harassing behaviour.

Even if he is dying, it’s not your job to go to his rescue and give him forgiveness. He belongs in the past. It all sounds very opportunistic to me - he is probably looking for someone to nurse him in his old age.

TellySavalashairbrush · 21/08/2024 22:32

I’d return the call but would not agree to any meet ups with him.

smallsilvercloud · 21/08/2024 22:33

Imagine him pulling this trick on numerous other women, I bet he tells them all he loved them, that's just who he is, an cheating attention seeker. Leave him in the past and ignore him.

catin8oots · 21/08/2024 22:34

He might be loaded and want to leave all his worldy goods to you.

I'd call back just in case 😁

Onedaynotyet · 21/08/2024 22:34

No.
Never.

teenmaw · 21/08/2024 22:35

I wouldn't pee on my exh if he was on fire so I def wouldn't go to let him absolve his conscience. I would however go cause I'm a nosey cow and would want to know what he wanted lol.

StripeyDeckchair · 21/08/2024 22:36

No

The past is another country and revisiting it is never a good idea

WhatNext24 · 21/08/2024 22:45

Roseau18 · 21/08/2024 22:25

The landine doesn't bother me too much as it is on silent and I never pick up (except for my mother who calls at the same time every week) so all anyone else can do is leave a message.

He didn't say he was ill and I don't think he was putting on a voice - it had a specific quality to it that I have only heard in my husband.

As many of you have said I do feel that I am being manipulated and even if it is because he wants to ask for forgiveness, I don't think he deserves it.

I am just feeling very, very unsettled by it and don't understand why.

I'm sorry OP, I think you are affected by it because of the connection you are making to how your husband sounded at a specific time that makes you sad to recall. Quite understandable for anyone.

If this is true, is there someone / something else that could help to take your mind off it? You don't need to make yourself vulnerable to this man again.

Undisclosedlocation · 21/08/2024 22:52

Eh? Before it’s too late?

it’s already too late…..30 years too late!

Emptyandsad · 21/08/2024 22:52

Roseau18 · 21/08/2024 22:25

The landine doesn't bother me too much as it is on silent and I never pick up (except for my mother who calls at the same time every week) so all anyone else can do is leave a message.

He didn't say he was ill and I don't think he was putting on a voice - it had a specific quality to it that I have only heard in my husband.

As many of you have said I do feel that I am being manipulated and even if it is because he wants to ask for forgiveness, I don't think he deserves it.

I am just feeling very, very unsettled by it and don't understand why.

You're feeling unsettled because it takes you back to your husband's last days - which were very unsettling. There is no real upside to talking to him. You've said your goodbyes many years ago and further contact will most likely be upsetting. Ignore him and focus on your own happiness

KreedKafer · 21/08/2024 22:53

I wouldn’t want to call this man in a million years. He’s some random ex who treated you like shit. He’s nobody to you, and he’s a selfish arsehole for manipulating you (again) like this.

MustBeGinOclock · 21/08/2024 22:56

Yes I would couldn't be doing with always wondering why he called.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 21/08/2024 23:00

You are unsettled because he has unsettled you, which is probably his intention.
I wouldn't call back. You need nothing from him. He treated you poorly and more likely wants something from you.

BustPipes · 21/08/2024 23:00

I am very sorry for the loss of your husband OP. Grief comes in waves - hopefully smaller ones over the years, rather than the big violent crashes of the early days. Ride the wave this time, and just recognise the grief and the feelings this call has raised in you.

If after you've done that, you feel like calling this man is something that you need/want/wouldn't be bothered by, then do it. But accept and experience your grief first. Good luck.

Original poster
Roseau18 · 21/08/2024 23:00

WhatNext24 · 21/08/2024 22:45

I'm sorry OP, I think you are affected by it because of the connection you are making to how your husband sounded at a specific time that makes you sad to recall. Quite understandable for anyone.

If this is true, is there someone / something else that could help to take your mind off it? You don't need to make yourself vulnerable to this man again.

Show quote history

I think you are probably right and that it is the connection to my late husband that is upsetting me. His death was the start of a very difficult period.

I live alone so there is no one to help me distract myself. None of my current friends know anything about this man and I don't really want to have to tell them about this relationship - I feel quite ashamed of how I let myself be treated.

OP posts:
romdowa · 21/08/2024 23:02

I'd have to call back simply because my nose would be at me and I'd need to know what he wants. 🤣🤣🤣

JudyJudeplusOne · 21/08/2024 23:02

He belongs in the past.

End of.

StanLeeCameo · 21/08/2024 23:04

I would call, because I am intrigued. It sounds most likely that it is as you say, especially as he is 17 years older than you.

SummerSplashing · 21/08/2024 23:05

Roseau18 · 21/08/2024 20:48

I lived with a man for 6 years in my early 20s. He was 17 years older than me and regularly cheated on me but love-bombed whenever I made an attempt to leave him.

I did eventually walk out for good, married someone else, had children (now all adults) but have been widowed for 8 years.

I last bumped into my former partner just after my husband died, when I was still in.a state of shock, and told him I had just been widowed. He said he was divorced, had always loved me and would like to have me back. I was too polite to say clearly to his face that I have no regrets about leaving him and no intention of renewing a relationship with him but I took leave of him as quickly as I could. He left multiple messages on my lanoline answering machine which I just ignore and eventualky he gave up.

This evening (so almost 8 years later) there was another message from him basically asking me to phone him before it is too late. I think he is dying - his voice was very weak and the message not altogether cohérent (it reminded me very much of how my husband was talking in the weeks précédent his death)

Would you phone him back?

@Roseau18

yes. If he's dying why not give him the gift of your time? Let him say what he needs to get off his chest.

SummerSplashing · 21/08/2024 23:06

Sorry, tired & need my bed, I didn't mean to quote the OP🤦🏻‍♀️

EconomyClassRockstar · 21/08/2024 23:07

I was going to say I would call him back for the sole reason if he was trying to tell you something health related. But then I realized how long it's been since you've seen him, in which case you'd know by now anyway. So no, I would close that chapter in your head for good.

ManyATrueWord · 21/08/2024 23:07

He smells weakness. Don't be weak.

NCGrandParent · 21/08/2024 23:09

No. Do not call him back. He is irrelevant to you.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. It sounds like the call has stirred up feelings and associations. Is there anything you could do for yourself to honour your DHs memory or to be kind and gentle to yourself? Call a friend, but a cake, light a candle.

Take care x

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