Would you return a call to a partner from 30 years ago?

[Roseau18]

I lived with a man for 6 years in my early 20s. He was 17 years older than me and regularly cheated on me but love-bombed whenever I made an attempt to leave him.

I did eventually walk out for good, married someone else, had children (now all adults) but have been widowed for 8 years.

I last bumped into my former partner just after my husband died, when I was still in.a state of shock, and told him I had just been widowed. He said he was divorced, had always loved me and would like to have me back. I was too polite to say clearly to his face that I have no regrets about leaving him and no intention of renewing a relationship with him but I took leave of him as quickly as I could. He left multiple messages on my lanoline answering machine which I just ignore and eventualky he gave up.

This evening (so almost 8 years later) there was another message from him basically asking me to phone him before it is too late. I think he is dying - his voice was very weak and the message not altogether cohérent (it reminded me very much of how my husband was talking in the weeks précédent his death)

Would you phone him back?

With the backstory on how he’s treating you. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time or energy.
I say ignore.

I think i would, based on the fact i would always wonder what he wanted

I would , allow him to apologise and say goodbye

Think about this logically - these are the things he's likely to say:

• I love you, let's get back together
• I love you, please be my carer as I die (sounds fun)
• I love you and I'm sorry and now I'm ill you can't tell me what you need to say if it's mean.

Do you need to hear any of that? Would you really be able to tell him what a dick he was to you if he tells you he's dying?

I would call him back because I'm nosey and I would want to know. Also if you are the love of his life, maybe he plans to leave you his secret fortune?

NO

I would have to especially if you didn't part on bad terms. I would want to know what he wanted, I would regret forever if I didn't.

If it's not a pleasant call you can always cut any further contact.

Best of luck with your decision.

No.
In case you're tempted to strike up some type of relationship with this ex bf, i would remind yourself what a rotten sod he was all those years go and how he probably didn't give a flying duck about your feelings then.
A leopard never changes its spots!

I would but I have also been accused of having a strong sense of curiosity ☺️

@Motherrr

what??

he hasn't contacted her in EIGHT YEARS.

What you could do, is get a friend to phone back from your house phone. She can say she is house sitting as you are working out of the country for a while, and noted that he wanted a call before too late. As you'll be out of the country for some while is there any message she can pass on?

This would satisfy your curiosity but avoid the contact. If you don't ring him back but he rings you again, you can either ignore or again get friend to ring and say 'Well I have passed the message on, but know Roseau is very busy and the time zones perhaps don't work so well, I think you'll have to leave it to her to contact'

No I don’t think so.

But if you do, be aware that he might lie about stuff, ie how ill he is. How does he have your number?

Yes, I would. It's the gracious thing to do.

He probably wants to say sorry for how he behaved and say goodbye.

If you don't then you just come across as an angry, bitter person who is still affected and holding a grudge. Don't stoop to that level.

I would never call my ex back - he was violent and made my life hell for 18m whilst we got divorced, so I really wouldn't care if he died, he's not my problem. But the question is what do you want to do? If you dont call him and he dies is that OK? Would you regret it? If so call him, but if he means nothing to you, move on and ignore his call.

I think if he were dying and he cared about you he wouldn't put you in such a position by leaving such a message.

If he had something important to say, he'd write, or at very least say it in the message, not leave you with a dilemma, worry and feeling responsible (which you don't need to feel, by the way).

This.

NO
The bastard deserves absolutely nothing from you.

how did he get your number in the first place? and if you gave it too him.... why?

No I won’t

Yes of course I would. Why not give please to a dying man? And if he isn’t dying then no real harm done.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds like you were young and vulnerable to an older man. You didn't 'let' anything happen.

Be kind to yourself OP. You can reach out to friends to distract yourself without talking about this specifically, if you'd prefer not to. How about just finding some company for a walk, a trip to the cinema, something like that? And give yourself time to feel upset if you need to. Your feelings are legitimate.

What you say would make me draw an even harder boundary, though. I think the biggest kindness you can show yourself here is to ignore the contact and focus on your own needs.

Other posters should take the time to read the OP's replies rather than urging her to speak to this man. She isn't obligated just because he wants something from her: that was the premise of the unhealthy relationship in the first place and would constitute more of the same.

If you think you’d have regrets then call him, but be very clear about your boundaries. Tell him the negative effect he’s had on your life. If he is dying, you don’t want to see him or speak to him again after the one call. Be very detached and leave it there. Call your phone provider and block his number afterwards.

If he isn’t dying but manipulating you, do you want him to continue calling ? He’s divorced. That should tell you something too. You have a chance to tell him just how appallingly badly he behaved, it could be liberating.

This.

Nope, wouldn't be going anywhere near them.

Just because they are possibly on their way out, doesn't excuse the past.