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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If I can’t have the life I want with him, I’ll have it without him

92 replies

thisisalongdrive · 21/08/2024 08:00

A quote from a Mumsnetter…

Six years ago I was dealing with my separation and the dating threads here offered so much insight, wisdom, inspiration - not just for the dating stuff but the aftermath of a breakup. Self-esteem. Being single in your 30s, 40s. Finding out what you want.

Anyway that bit stuck with me and I’m revisiting it today as I question my relationship with my partner of 5 years.

Life seems to have gone from feeling light and happy to everything just being tense and always on the verge of a row. DP has become quite short tempered. He tells me to shut up, to fuck off. He calls me names. He loves to tell me I’m passive-aggressive and will label anything as such when he’s in a bad mood. We cycle through the same rows that seem to start from nowhere, go nowhere, achieve nothing. Obviously i have a role in that. But I feel so ground down by him. I’ve started to look forward to any opportunity to be alone. Detouring on my way home to avoid being there. Tensing up when I hear his key in the lock. My heart sinks if he has plans cancelled.

I had a few days alone and remembered how lovely that is. How relaxed I felt, how calm the house was, how I just didn’t have to think or worry or second guess what version of him I’d get each day.

It’s been a really beautiful relationship for the most part and I can’t bear the idea of that being over, but really - I don’t have the life I want with him anymore. I’d rather have the happiness back than end it but that’s not solely up to me and I’m not sure he wants to be happy more than he wants to be right.

OP posts:
IBlameTheDog · 21/08/2024 08:04

I could have written this myself OP. Two years ago (almost to the day) I asked my parter if 8 years to move out.

The relief when he finally went was indescribable. My life went from chaotic to calm overnight.

I miss certain aspects of him, for many years he was my best friend. But I don't miss the walking on eggshells, having to explain myself, his ridiculous jealousy.

It's absolutely been the right decision for me. I hope you find the strength to go it alone and the peace you're looking for.

Duckingella · 21/08/2024 08:05

All abusive arseholes start off nice;after all no one is going to get into a relationship with someone like that.

And it is abuse;verbal and emotional.I bet you find yourself modifying your behaviour to appease him or to prevent upsetting him.

Are there children involved?;Do they witness this?

tribpot · 21/08/2024 08:05

It’s been a really beautiful relationship for the most part and I can’t bear the idea of that being over

It is over, though, isn't it? There is no beautiful relationship that includes Tensing up when I hear his key in the lock. The relationship you have now is not the one you're remembering.

I think your few days alone have given you some perspective. Time to end this and move forward to better things.

competentadult · 21/08/2024 08:11

Your last couple of sentences say it all.

The hard part is saying so out loud. How is he likely to react?

Dery · 21/08/2024 08:11

I agree with @tribpot - the beautiful relationship is gone. And you’ve only been together 5 years. Maybe if this had happened after 10 or 15 years of a good relationship, it would be worth exploring what’s gone wrong and seeing if it can be fixed. But you’re still in the relatively early years of your relationship and you sound scared of him or of the stress the relationship brings. You can’t be in a relationship with someone if your heart sinks when they’re around and they are horrible to you.

Original poster
thisisalongdrive · 21/08/2024 08:33

Thanks for replying to me, it's amazing that you never have to really feel alone with MN.

The trouble I have sometimes is trusting my own feelings. Sometimes I change my mind on what I want - not relationship specific - and then later I can't believe that was what I thought was true. I've always been like this, and had a lot of therapy to try and unpick it, the idea of trusting my own judgment or listening to my gut feeling is sometimes so alien to me.

We have children from previous relationships - three, between 12 and 18. They are fab, and life is very chilled when they are all here to be honest. My DS has a great role model in DP, and he is having issues with his dad so I value that support. DP is patient, kind. It's me that gets the grumpy version. And he says it's me that makes the grumpy version.

DP slept in the spare room last night. A year ago, I'd have begged him to come back to bed, no matter how much I felt in the right or how much I'd need to forgive to get there. When he went last night I just thought 'good'.

OP posts:
MapleTreeValley · 21/08/2024 08:45

Oh OP. It's so sad. How long has it been like this for?

Igmum · 21/08/2024 08:47

Sounds like it's definitely over. So sorry OP but you shouldn't have to live like that. Do you think he would cooperate with counselling?

Original poster
thisisalongdrive · 21/08/2024 09:07

How long has it been like this - it's slowly crept in, but I've certainly grown more tired of it in the last six/twelve months or so. The language has been an issue for a while, but like everything it comes in waves. I cannot bear the 'shut up' and 'fuck off' type. I was with my ex DP for 15 years and we just didn't speak to each other like that. It's eroding.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2024 09:40

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Does he tell his mother or his work colleagues to F off, no he does not. He’s nice to them it’s for you this abuse is aimed at. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. He is a terrible role model for your son also because he is seeing this man abuse you as his mum. In turn he is being abused too because he is receiving mixed nessages from this bloke who can be nice to him but abusive to you as his mum.

. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Men like this can further tear down perhaps already weakened boundaries and abuse also is insidious in its onset. Use legal advice and Women’s Aid to free yourself and your child from him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2024 09:42

Abuse is about power and control. It is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of it.

Do not undertake joint counselling with this man, it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2024 09:45

The happy him was an act designed to draw you in, he was never going to be able to keep up that pretence of act long term. You are now seeing who he really is. An abuser who does blame you for all his faults, abusers are apt to blame everyone else but their own self.

Original poster
thisisalongdrive · 21/08/2024 09:45

Attila do you really see it as abusive?

I used to work for a DV charity if you can believe that.

He has always emphasised seeing me 'as his equal' - he is very intelligent, important job etc - I took it with a pinch of salt but tried to see some value in him offering some praise I guess. It's embarrassing to type out tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisalongdrive · 21/08/2024 09:51

From womensaid.org:

Psychological and emotional abuse can be difficult to describe or identify. It’s when a perpetrator uses words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, scare or upset you. Some examples of emotional and verbal abuse are:

  • Screaming and shouting at you (sometimes)
  • Mocking you, calling you hurtful names or using derogatory words about you (sometimes)
  • Sulking or refusing to talk or be kind until you do something they want (yes)
  • Making you doubt your own sanity. This is known as gaslighting. A perpetrator may gaslight you into thinking that you are remembering things wrong or that you are misinterpreting things, later making you believe their version of events is true. This behaviour is often used to manipulate. (I'm not sure if he does this or if I do actually remember things wrong)
  • Threatening that they will destroy something, hurt you or commit suicide (never ever)
  • Threatening to report you to the police, social services or a mental health team if you don’t do what they say (never ever)
  • Telling you that they’re sorry, that it isn’t abuse (I did once suggest telling me to fuck off all the time was abusive and he was very sorry)
  • Telling you that you deserve or cause the abuse (I don't think so, I think he actually believes there's something wrong with me, and my past and counselling history supports that)
  • Threatening to kill or harm you and/or your children (never ever ever)
OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2024 09:51

Yes I do see him as abusive and I think that there were red flags in the early days too that were simply not recognised as such. The power and control against you ramped up slowly and by degrees over time. Have a read of the boiled frog analogy.

People from all sorts of backgrounds and creeds are targeted by abusers , the fact you’ve worked for a DV charity is not the issue. Again he does not tell his work
colleagues to F off like he does to you. This man needs to be out of your life now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/08/2024 09:53

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He’s crossed that line so the relationship to all intents and purposes is over.

PermanentTemporary · 21/08/2024 09:58

You know more about abuse than I do. I know for sure that if a person wants to be a role model for a child, they don't have to be in my house to do it.

MissPeachyKeen · 21/08/2024 10:11

If someone sees you as their equal, they don't go about bragging about it, @thisisalongdrive

eggandchip · 21/08/2024 10:15

Ive been single for years and love it.

Fannyfiggs · 21/08/2024 10:20

If he believes there is 'something wrong' with you, should he not be finding ways to support you with kindness and love rather than being abusive about it?

Ask him who the fuck he thinks he's talking to when he's telling you to shut up / fuck off. Horrid little man.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 21/08/2024 10:33

My dh is sf to my dc. In over 12 years he has never told me to fuck off. He IS a good role model for them.. Your dp is abusive.. Please raise the bar for your dc..

diddl · 21/08/2024 10:47

He tells me to shut up, to fuck off.

Honestly?

I mean I'm 60, have had a few relationships & am on my second marriage.

Never has anyone said either of those things to me.

Even my first husband when he was hiding his affair!

It's just not (to me) how anyone talks to another person.

Polyp0 · 21/08/2024 10:55

He has always emphasised seeing me 'as his equal

I see my best friend as my equal. Wouldn't occur to me to say that to her though, I mean, why would that even need to be verbalised?

rentersleaf · 21/08/2024 11:26

Yes my abusive ex went to stay at his mums to 'teach me a lesson' I had a few weeks of bliss and realised contrary to his beliefs I could be capable and happy alone. I never looked back .

longtompot · 21/08/2024 14:51
  • Telling you that you deserve or cause the abuse (I don't think so, I think he actually believes there's something wrong with me, and my past and counselling history supports that)
This says to me that he thinks you cause and deserve the abuse. If there are things in your past that make you act or feel in a certain way, he should be supporting you, not telling you to fuck off etc.
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