If I can’t have the life I want with him, I’ll have it without him

[thisisalongdrive]

A quote from a Mumsnetter…

Six years ago I was dealing with my separation and the dating threads here offered so much insight, wisdom, inspiration - not just for the dating stuff but the aftermath of a breakup. Self-esteem. Being single in your 30s, 40s. Finding out what you want.

Anyway that bit stuck with me and I’m revisiting it today as I question my relationship with my partner of 5 years.

Life seems to have gone from feeling light and happy to everything just being tense and always on the verge of a row. DP has become quite short tempered. He tells me to shut up, to fuck off. He calls me names. He loves to tell me I’m passive-aggressive and will label anything as such when he’s in a bad mood. We cycle through the same rows that seem to start from nowhere, go nowhere, achieve nothing. Obviously i have a role in that. But I feel so ground down by him. I’ve started to look forward to any opportunity to be alone. Detouring on my way home to avoid being there. Tensing up when I hear his key in the lock. My heart sinks if he has plans cancelled.

I had a few days alone and remembered how lovely that is. How relaxed I felt, how calm the house was, how I just didn’t have to think or worry or second guess what version of him I’d get each day.

It’s been a really beautiful relationship for the most part and I can’t bear the idea of that being over, but really - I don’t have the life I want with him anymore. I’d rather have the happiness back than end it but that’s not solely up to me and I’m not sure he wants to be happy more than he wants to be right.

A week later I’m still asking myself, is this man really being abusive towards me?

I’m tired and sad and fed up but the house is harmonious and calm so I can’t say anything otherwise I’m now rocking the boat.

We had a row at the weekend and unfortunately one of my teenagers was around. He heard some of it. DP walked out. Packed some things, said he was going to his mums. How did it start - I’d been away overnight and came back feeling tired and didn’t ask him how he was feeling. He wasn’t feeling well. I tried to say sorry and ask about that but his fuse was too short for anything so it became a fit of rage and shouting and packing. So I just walked away from the row and let him pack and leave.

then I spoke to my DC and tried to give some kind of an explanation. Told him I was sorry he had to hear that.

Then DC needed help with some college stuff so we did that, and DP called and said he was coming back. He came home, said sorry, told DC he was sorry we’d had a row with him there. The storm passed and life goes on.

but it hurts so much that my DC heard all that. I just want to run away but here’s DP back in lovely mode and cooking dinner for everyone and choosing films to watch. Maybe it’s me in the wrong? I’d been away for a social event after all. Maybe I needed to give some attention to him when I got back instead of filling the space with my own feelings. I’d taken a friend and our eldest kids to see a show, I was just tired from the drive and poor sleep.

How can he be horrible intentionally? Why did he explode like that? It was like a switch. Welcome home, have fun? Bam. Bag, clothes, rage, keys, gone.

You absolutely are in an abusive relationship and so are your children.
Your child has witnessed this first hand.
This changes children profoundly.

Now it is about you being brave and making tough decisions.
You do not have to do this in one day.

Look at how separation will look like.
Housing, finances, schooling, work.

Start planning.
Your relationship is over because of his treatment of you.
Consider his treatment of you in front of your child as a line in the sand moment.

Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. The fact that abusive men (and women) can choose to be charming and pleasant at times (when it suits them) is why so many victims stay.

But even if you weren't in an abusive relationship: do the bad times outweigh the good? Are the bad times worse than the good times are good?

Here are some other questions for you: Is the emotional roller coaster breaking you? Is the relationship taking a negative toll on your mental health, self-esteem, self worth, confidence?

Are you happy?

How about this one: do you still want to be in this relationship?

All valid, acceptable and justifiable reasons for calling time.

My partner of 9 years is effectively SF to my two children from a previous relationship. In that time he has never, not once, told me to shut up or fuck off. That’s because he’s an adult human being capable of talking to me when we need to resolve an issue. He treats me with respect and as an equal, and he’s my biggest champion as I am his. My kids know what a loving happy relationship looks like because we are modelling it for them.

This man does not deserve your valuable time and attention as he cannot treat you with respect. It is your choice to stay or go. Your children do not have that choice. Your choice is their choice. Act in their best interests, even if you hesitate at acting in your own. They deserve a happy mother regardless of whether she is in a relationship or not.

Thank you so much for replying to me. @Greydays3 and @MissPeachyKeen , when I've come back to a thread for some philosophising. It's so kind to take the time and not just roll your eyes and move on to the next thread.

Separating is easy, in many ways - we aren't married and are renting.

I think the thing that makes me pause is that he genuinely doesn't think there's anything wrong with his behaviour. I mean, he does in a - we shouldn't row, we shouldn't shout, we shouldn't let things get out of hand, kind of a way. But he doesn't think he bears responsibility for anything more than I do. And he is always, always keen to point that out. So I guess I've believed him.

@MissPeachyKeen those are good questions... I'm not sure, is the answer to a lot of it. I have depression, and DP says that is a lot to do with my own struggles, I do tend to get a bit existential in my own head, but have always been like this and try not to inflict it on others too much. I feel I'm in a really good place with my AD meds though. I enjoy life and when the existential dread isn't rearing up I mostly feel calm and happy.

But I also know I am dreading a quiet weekend with just DP, and like his presence is an invisible weight on my chest sometimes. I know I will be trying to manage his emotions, even in the little things, like he finds my cat really annoying sometimes so I will try and keep the cat away from my bedroom for example. Not because DP will say anything but because I know he will be annoyed.

I'm waffling now.

@MayaPinion I thought I had that. I don't know when it changed.

I ended my relationship with their dad (together 15 years) because we weren't modelling anything good for them. There wasn't shouting and disrespect but too much had happened and we were just like housemates. I remember my son catching a glimpse of my friends husband giving her a kiss and hug after work and realising he never saw that at home.

How mad that making that decision in the end was so easy, and this one feels like a minefield.

@thisisalongdrive I have depression, had it on & off most of my life. Sometimes mild, sometimes severe. It doesn't give people a licence to make me feel like shit.

Interesting how he avoids accepting responsibility for any of this, isn't it?

DP has become quite short tempered. He tells me to shut up, to fuck off. He calls me names. He loves to tell me I’m passive-aggressive and will label anything as such when he’s in a bad mood

This is totally unacceptable. No ifs or buts.
You said you ended your last relationship because it modelled a lack of affection to your children. You think it's OK for your son to grow up seeing you be spoken to like this?

I swear. When I'm in a bad mood I can be quite sweary. When I'm scared or in pain, too. But I never swear at people.

I had a dislocated joint realigned recently. It was agony (& I was frightened). I swore and shouted loudly. But not at the medics.

You dread him being at home. Tiptoe around him. Quite apart from being red flags, they're each reason enough to end the relationship.

Did he move into your house OP?
If so, get him to move out for a month for some thinking time.

I expect a month without someone telling you to shut up and fuck off will be quite enough for you to realise that you need to move on.

💐

We moved in to a new place together - I had to move from where I was living alone with DC, and he said we should move in together. That sounds like it wasn't what I wanted - it was, completely. We were in different towns until then and spending half the time in one place and half in the other. I didn't push for it because I wasn't ever going to move to his town, but when he said he'd come here I was thrilled. I couldn't afford the rent here alone, 4 beds are £££ where we are. I could manage in a 3, as I did before.

I used to look forward to seeing him so much. Butterflies and excitement and that silly woozy feeling you get when you're properly in love.

Not that I really think you should have to, but have you asked him why he’s behaving this way? And if he feels you should break up? The sulking under the blanket day, did you ask why he was like that? Or are you afraid to?

Start saving to move out OP.

It sounds like it’s over.

You are not waffling OP.
You are collating your thoughts.
This is very wise to write down.
You know this is how you are feeling for a while.
It hasn't happened over night.
He absolutely is abusive and he over stepped by walking out so came bzck cheerful.
He knows well what he is doing, so don't kid yourself on that score.
So many women say that they dont know they are being pricks.
They do.
It is fantastic that you are not tied to him.
How many children have you?
Start looking at where is best to move to and start looking at properties.
How easily can you get out of this rental agreement?
Can you leave him there?
I think when you see how it will work you tell him that he is clearly very unhappy and it is best that you protect the children from his unhappiness.
You did this before with their father, you can do it again.
I think you sound like an amazing woman and mother.
It will be hard but you will absolutely thrive again, away from him.

The fact that you don't want to be with him alone this weekend is undeniable proof it is over.

Can you go and stay with a friend or family this weekend to get away, even for the days, to just get some head space, go property hunting?

You can do this.

Listen to your gut, it’s a very reliable barometer. Tight chest at spending the weekend alone with him is all you need to know.
On what planet does a grown man throw a tantrum because you didn’t ask him how he was feeling when you got in from a night away? The kind of man who didn’t get any attention for five minutes. And then, when he’s got you properly discombobulated he walks back in all charms and smiles. What a sneaky, manipulative bastard.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

But I also know I am dreading a quiet weekend with just DP, and like his presence is an invisible weight on my chest sometimes. I know I will be trying to manage his emotions, even in the little things, like he finds my cat really annoying sometimes so I will try and keep the cat away from my bedroom for example. Not because DP will say anything but because I know he will be annoyed
also known as walking on eggshells.

What a sneaky, manipulative bastard.
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Like & agree with this so much am reposting it

I keep re-reading these responses. I'm very grateful for this advice, thank you all for taking the time.

I'm trying to think what his rebuttal would be. I think he'd say that I came in from my night away without consideration for him. I think he'd say I didn't show him any concern. I suppose I didn't know I was meant to. I was only gone for 24 hours.

Now and then he complains about not seeing his mates. He is free to, whenever he likes, by the way. I see mine, I go away without him, with my kids, with friends... he can do the same. He is terrible at making plans, so generally only does something when a friend arranges it, or when I arrange it. Fine, we're not all naturally good at that. But it's not my fault either. But when it flares up he seems to present it as if he has to choose between seeing his friends and seeing me, because they live some distance away. Actually, it's usually me saying, hey it's a while since you saw X, why don't you?

...which is what I've suggested for this weekend.

I think he sees himself as flawed like we all are, but otherwise as a good person, who cares about me very much. He does things 'for' me - obviously a lot of these things are often for us/household, but so do I, I think I talk about it less and get on with it more.

I feel like that side of things is a bigger deal for him than I, because he lived alone for a long time, and never with his DC full time so has generally only had to think of himself for the most part.

He would never see any of this behaviour he displays as abuse. I'm sure he can recognise it as unhealthy and not ideal, but abuse? I think he'd argue that his intentions override that.

Actually, that's pertinent. Intent. If I've ever been upset or offended - there's no remorse if that wasn't his intent. Whether a joke or a jibe, if he didn't mean it, then no harm done. I don't think it's as straightforward as that. That doesn't mean I try to hold onto things either but sometimes it can seem so dismissive - sure, you didn't mean it, but it stung all the same.

Then I'm just oversensitive. Have been told that before too.

Sometimes I think he's just a selfish prick who will be just as happy living alone, so what's the fucking point? And others I think, perhaps I am quite hard work and this man is doing all he can to make me happy.

Waffling again. Is any of this consequential?

The relief when he finally went was indescribable. My life went from chaotic to calm overnight.

I just want to add that I can relate to the above and the sentiments in this thread even though my relationship was not abusive. We were not right for each other and I lost all desire for him (sex drive disappeared…). The euphoric relief I felt after he moved out and I was back living on my own was incredible. A massive weight off my shoulders. It is no exaggeration to say that I am grateful every day for no longer being in that relationship. Of course I was heartbroken at first and missed him, but nothing compares to letting go of what isn’t right for you and going back to living your life on your terms.

I think one way to decide if you should end a relationship is to truly reflect on and process how your partner makes you feel. And ask yourself: on balance, do they add to your life or take away?

@Crushed23 I'm glad you did what was ultimately the right thing for you.

That feeling is exactly how it was when XP and I finally separated. I felt sad, but honestly that was drowned out by the bliss of being alone and being free of it. It took me a long time to reach that point so I think I had done most of my grieving in the years before we split - dealing with lies, betrayal, and the decline of warmth and affection, desire fading to nothing. I didn't miss him for a second. We get on now (that took a few years) but I still have moments of 'thank god' I"m out of that.

But when it flares up he seems to present it as if he has to choose between seeing his friends and seeing me, because they live some distance away. Actually, it's usually me saying, hey it's a while since you saw X, why don't you

Oh, I had one of them. Perversely, we actually never saw my friends & he was very open in telling me he didn't like my best friend when he met her. God, how I wish I'd ended things so much sooner than I did.

A social event doesn't warrant a row. He should be happy for you and asked if you had a good time. Even if he's not feeling 100%, that still doesn't deserve the verbal telling off you got.

I truly believe that although he might present himself as being happy for you to see friends, his actions aren't saying the same thing. Do you often come home to some perceived slight that results in a row?

No one should dread spending time with their partner, or have a heavy weight on their chest at the thought, it really is the definition of 'walking on egg shells'

Sounds like you're living in an abusive relationship. Of course he's nice and calm, pulls his weight and apologises sometimes, you wouldn't stay if he was awful all the time. Look up the nice/nasty abusive cycle.

Actually, that's pertinent. Intent. If I've ever been upset or offended - there's no remorse if that wasn't his intent. Whether a joke or a jibe, if he didn't mean it, then no harm done. I don't think it's as straightforward as that. That doesn't mean I try to hold onto things either but sometimes it can seem so dismissive - sure, you didn't mean it, but it stung all the same.

This is telling, too. He's saying, very clearly, he doesn't care if you're hurt or upset.

What matters to him is that he is not criticised, by implication or otherwise.

I've been married and had 3 long term relationships in my dating life-span of 25 years. Not one of them has ever told me to shut up or fuck off. Anyone who did would instantly be an ex. My ex-husnad did turn out to be a sulky resentful joy sponge though and it took me a long time to make him an ex but it was the best thing I ever did. Be brave and trust yourself, this one is a wrong-un!

Aw OP, it sounds like he kicked off at you as a punishment for going away ☹️
Although why he is doing this isn’t important, it’s not working for you any more so it’s fine to end it and move on with your lives.

This is exactly what my best friend said to me. That he only cares about not being in the wrong. He won't take responsibility for anything, will just spin things to make it my fault somehow. Very much of the 'sorry if that upset you' thing.

Anyway, here I am, and he left yesterday to stay with a friend for the weekend. I think I want to ask him to get his work things and stay away longer.

It's hard to trust myself too though. 10pm last night, suddenly overcome with sadness and desperately wanting him back. Now it's morning and I feel okay again.

I want a quiet happy home for myself and my kids. His presence this week has just felt oppressive. It's hard to explain that, because it seems like I'm the one with the problem.

You sound drained, OP. Sad, beaten (emotionally) and flat.

Whatever the reason, this is not a healthy relationship and to me, it's time to part company. I wouldn't tolerate a pal treating me this badly, never mind a partner.

Pull your head out, focus on the light up ahead and swim towards it. He says you're not good enough for him? Take him at his word. Set him free.

It’s ok to be the one who has a problem with being sworn at and stonewalled when he doesn’t behave.

Reframe it. If he behaved like this towards your kids, he’d be out faster than he could open his mouth to say fuck off one more time.