If I can’t have the life I want with him, I’ll have it without him

[thisisalongdrive]

A quote from a Mumsnetter…

Six years ago I was dealing with my separation and the dating threads here offered so much insight, wisdom, inspiration - not just for the dating stuff but the aftermath of a breakup. Self-esteem. Being single in your 30s, 40s. Finding out what you want.

Anyway that bit stuck with me and I’m revisiting it today as I question my relationship with my partner of 5 years.

Life seems to have gone from feeling light and happy to everything just being tense and always on the verge of a row. DP has become quite short tempered. He tells me to shut up, to fuck off. He calls me names. He loves to tell me I’m passive-aggressive and will label anything as such when he’s in a bad mood. We cycle through the same rows that seem to start from nowhere, go nowhere, achieve nothing. Obviously i have a role in that. But I feel so ground down by him. I’ve started to look forward to any opportunity to be alone. Detouring on my way home to avoid being there. Tensing up when I hear his key in the lock. My heart sinks if he has plans cancelled.

I had a few days alone and remembered how lovely that is. How relaxed I felt, how calm the house was, how I just didn’t have to think or worry or second guess what version of him I’d get each day.

It’s been a really beautiful relationship for the most part and I can’t bear the idea of that being over, but really - I don’t have the life I want with him anymore. I’d rather have the happiness back than end it but that’s not solely up to me and I’m not sure he wants to be happy more than he wants to be right.

It is so hard to mourn the loss of a lovely relationship, but you didn't lose that when he left. For whatever reason, his feelings had changed. It's so hard and so sad but he will never see it like you do.

He would probably say that you changed, but that would probably be because the way he sees you/feels about you changed. That could well be because the loss of the close relationship with his dd caused some depression perhaps, but whatever it was, you can't talk your way past it.

The yearning for the old days is normal. But what you are missing is a past version of the relationship which hasn't been your reality for a while now.

Two things stood out stood out to me:

One, that he doesn't feel remorse if there's no intent. If that's the case then when you came back from your overnight stay and didn't ask him how he was, why should you feel bad? You didn't intend to upset him, so by his logic you've nothing to feel bad about and he's the one being over-sensitive by taking his keys and storming off.

Two, that he made a huge point of emphasising how he saw you as an equal. That's a red flag, as it should go without saying. The fact that he felt he needed to make a deal out of it suggests that he was trying to talk himself into this concept, and that it's not a core belief of his. His subsequent behaviours and actions bear this out - which takes me back to his reaction to you going away and then not asking how he was.

He's applying a double standard because he doesn't hold you to the same standards he applies to himself - because he doesn't view you as an equal. And every time you try and make room for yourself, or point out an inconsistency, or question what the Great and Powerful Oz is doing, he belittles you - you're over-sensitive, you're a selfish person, you're abusive, you're the one at fault.

This relationship is done. Use it as a point in time experience - it was great for the most part, and it suited you whilst it worked, but it ain't working now so it's time to move on.

I appreciate the replies, giving me some balance to my obviously one-sided thoughts. It's crazy how easy it is to temporarily forget some things. I don't ever want to be called over-sensitive again, by anyone, I would rather be single forever than hear that. It shows such a refusal to question his own behaviour, which obviously ties in with the stuff about intent. I didn't mean it = the problem is you.

If we were married or had children together I'd want to try again. So part of me feels like that means the relationship might be worth trying to save. That we shouldn't just give up when the core is still there. Behaviour can slip, and be corrected. I have had times of being a super calm parent, for example, and times when I've struggled more. I've worked at it, and on myself, to improve when I've needed to. I've developed at work, made changes where I needed to, grown and learnt as time has gone on. Can't this work like that, too?

You're clearly still torn, understandably. I hope you both can sit and talk calmly this weekend but just take your time until you realise what you actually want.

Before you have the conversation , can you write yourself a letter outlining all the ways the relationship worked before, and all the ways it doesn’t work now? You felt loved before and now you are diminished. If he can’t meet you halfway and can’t acknowledge how his behaviour affects you because of ‘intent’ , then it is the end of the road.
Take some bullet points with you if you are easily sidetracked so you can keep the conversation on point. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. A person who always needs to be right no matter the cost to someone else is not a person you want to grow old with.

@thisisalongdrive you say you’ve worked on yourself in various ways, parenting and at work. Fantastic - you reflected and considered and put in the effort. YOU have. But if he blames you for x,y and z, HE is not seeing any need to change or work on himself. He thinks he’s always right, his intent is fine, so you are the problem. He isn’t reflecting, considering another person’s (your) point of view or feelings so it doesn’t really look like he will change. It takes two to make a relationship work, you can’t do it all on your own. I’m so sorry you are so miserable with this breakup, the pain is clouding your vision here. It’s so much easier for us on the other side, we have no investment except sympathy/empathy for you as you try to deal with it. Too many pp have walked the same road and are trying to help smooth your path.

I think you know that something is bad when you find yourself thinking ahead and modifying your behaviour so as not to upset him/make him angry. Like you started doing with the cat.
You will go mad if you live in a relationship where you are trying to anticipate and head off his moods.

I think you are grieving the lost potential and the future you could have had, if only he wasn't such an arse! But nice him wasn't real. Or if it was, it's long gone and you've been left with the version who swears at you and calls you names. He hid it before, that but mean version is very much a part of the real him.

It's time imo to start sorting the logistics - to get his name off the rental agreement, to sort finances and collection of his stuff. Otherwise he might just dull for a bit longer then try to waltz back in like you should be pleased to see him!

I'm going to paraphrase the AA's mantra here - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

That's to to say that all you can do is what you are already doing - which is look at your own behaviour, your own reactions and thoughts and fears and how you choose to go forward. You have no control over his behaviour - he has a choice, he's an adult who has agency. He chooses to belittle you. He chooses to apply a double standard.

His behaviour no longer works for you - it's not a positive in your life. Put your own oxygen mask on first. What he chooses to do is on him, but you are not obliged to put up with it or stick around for it.

He does not like your cat. That would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

I couldn't be with someone who doesn't love animals, can you?

How can they have a great rile model in someone who tells their Mum to fuck off?

An update, of sorts:

DP came back. I wanted him to, I missed him, he was sorry, remorseful, and we spent a while working out what we wanted and needed in order to move forwards.

For some time things were very gentle and calm and like it used to be. No rows, no picking fault with me, just moving through the days together and generally living happily.

We have had one big row in that time, and something about it really devastated me -
when DP left for a couple of weeks, I asked him to leave his key. I asked this so I just wouldn't be surprised by him turning up unannounced, I guess I wanted the security of knowing that wouldn't happen.

He agreed, and left his key. But that clearly pissed him off after the initial agreement because during said row he told me that 'everyone' thought it was 'fucking ridiculous' that I'd made him leave his key.

I asked who is everyone? He said his mum, dad, named a couple of friends, and added, colleagues at work.

And I thought - what, colleagues at work? He is sharing every little detail of our split with everyone he comes across? Who else, the fucking postman?

I don't know if I can properly articulate why that particular thing was so crushing. Like, fuck the lot of them if they've never had to think about how to feel safe. Fuck his parents for thinking it must be me in the wrong, fuck his colleagues for thinking he is flawless and wouldn't make me feel so worried and desperate. Fuck them all.

Then, he said it was a lie, and he hadn't told anyone. He said so to hurt me in the heat of a row. He was sorry.

That was over a month ago now but I'm really struggling with it.

Aside from this, while things aren't perfect, there have been no big rows telling me to fuck off, etc.

There was an incident this weekend but I won't go into that now, just about other friendships, boundaries, blah blah blah, I'm so tired.

A thing that I read on here which stuck with me is "you can do it now, or later with more pain".
I think that applies to a lot of things in life, and certainly here. It's over. And it's now just a case of negotiating the terms of exit. Which you can do now, or later with more pain.

I think what you’re stuck on is that he hasn’t done something ‘bad enough’. He’s never physically hurt you, stolen from you, doesn’t do drugs etc all the excuses women make for being with a man who is not worthy of them. You are worthy of so much more than this. You are worthy of peace and happiness. He’s not your person.

I agree with the two posters above. Especially "you can do it now, or later with more pain".

My advice? Get rid of the source of your current pain. Maybe get a cat, or a dog. Be single but contented, at least for a while.

It sounds to me like you ended your old abusive relationship and then got into another one that over time has proved itself to be abusive too. Your DP sounds like a dick and having ended it you didn't have the confidence to follow through and keep it ended. I'm sorry if that sounds brutal, but every one of your posts has a wistful, sad undertone to me. It's like you know you are allowing yourself to be abused, but you don't know how to stop it and so you keep going back for more.

Please end this relationship and have some therapy. The thing about the key is nasty and he's gaslighting you. Nice people don't do that. You need to be brave and decisive and make a choice for you - like you did six years ago. Most people aren't all good or all bad, which is why life and relationships are complex and not black and white. But this guy is not your Mr Right and I think you know that already, or you wouldn't keep posting

I think many relationships are like this.

It's all fairytales and roses but let's be honest, being around someone for too much of the time is a royal pain in the ass.

Dump and run for the hills!

OP, your gut is screaming at you to get rid of him.
No wonder you are tired.
There are worse things than being alone......like feeling as you do.

Don't waste any more time.