If I can’t have the life I want with him, I’ll have it without him

[thisisalongdrive]

A quote from a Mumsnetter…

Six years ago I was dealing with my separation and the dating threads here offered so much insight, wisdom, inspiration - not just for the dating stuff but the aftermath of a breakup. Self-esteem. Being single in your 30s, 40s. Finding out what you want.

Anyway that bit stuck with me and I’m revisiting it today as I question my relationship with my partner of 5 years.

Life seems to have gone from feeling light and happy to everything just being tense and always on the verge of a row. DP has become quite short tempered. He tells me to shut up, to fuck off. He calls me names. He loves to tell me I’m passive-aggressive and will label anything as such when he’s in a bad mood. We cycle through the same rows that seem to start from nowhere, go nowhere, achieve nothing. Obviously i have a role in that. But I feel so ground down by him. I’ve started to look forward to any opportunity to be alone. Detouring on my way home to avoid being there. Tensing up when I hear his key in the lock. My heart sinks if he has plans cancelled.

I had a few days alone and remembered how lovely that is. How relaxed I felt, how calm the house was, how I just didn’t have to think or worry or second guess what version of him I’d get each day.

It’s been a really beautiful relationship for the most part and I can’t bear the idea of that being over, but really - I don’t have the life I want with him anymore. I’d rather have the happiness back than end it but that’s not solely up to me and I’m not sure he wants to be happy more than he wants to be right.

It's so shit to put aside your self-worth and want things to go back to how they were.

I'm going to try and drill this into my brain: "pull your head out, focus on the light up ahead and swim towards it." @CocoapuffPuff

Please don't put yourself down and deny your gut and feelings.
You feel how you feel.
You are not happy.
His priority is to be right, not about being decent and to contribute to resolving difficulties between you.
That his presence is oppressive is huge.
You do not want your children absorbing that.
Be brave.
You can do this.
Keep posting, we are here for you.

I was married to someone who engineered an argument whenever I went out with friends and it always was my fault. He couldn't bear if I enjoyed myself without him. It ramped up to not letting me buy new clothes because we couldn't afford it despite him spending huge amounts on new clothes. He always had an excuse. Stop trying to think what his motivation or reaction might be. That honestly doesn't matter. You are unhappy and don't need to stay with him. He is being abusive. I bet he expected you to beg him to come back and when you didn't, he came back to pretend everything was fine. He isn't being a good role model by the way, he's teaching your son how to speak to women. And your son will have heard how he talks to you. Children hear more than parents realise. The best thing you can do is leave

I'd split with him. Neither of you is happy.

At very least sit down with him and say: we are not making each other happy any more. I think we should either discuss it and make a massive effort to shake things up and get back to the good times, or we should admit we've burned out and split up.

The other thing you have to do, for sanity, is start living the life you want to live. Don't hang around for him. Travel or move house or start new classes/fitness or meet new friends - whatever it is you want to do, start doing it.

I'm going to add my voice to the other posters. You are absolutely being abused here OP. Just because it is insidious doesn't mean it isn't happening.

Detouring on my way home to avoid being there. Tensing up when I hear his key in the lock. My heart sinks if he has plans cancelled.
These are your real feelings. Listen to them. This relationship is over.

I read this thread because of your title OP. I wonder if refocusing on that would be helpful?

I do notice these threads sometimes get focused on attempting to prove or persuade the OP that their DP/DH is abusive. Obviously, being able to recognise abuse and respond appropriately is hugely important and I'm not negating that for a second. But you don't have to be experiencing abuse to leave a relationship that isn't working. So actually, the important thing is whether or not you can best live the life you want for you and your DC with him, or without him. If it's without him, the reason is secondary. You're entitled to choose to separate. He doesn't have to be 'bad enough' to leave.

How about telling us about the life you want? So much empowerment in your thread title.

I've just read this thread OP, the pain and confusion you are feeling dealing with this man is overwhelming.

I just wanted to focus on one comment.

You say that you were upset your DC heard a row and then "He came home, said sorry, told DC he was sorry we’d had a row with him there. "

You clearly don't think your children deserve to be around people rowing, and I would agree.

So is it okay for him to row with you when no-one else is around to hear it? Do you deserve a less pleasant life than you want for your children?

FWIW I also agree it doesn't matter whether you label his behaviour abusive or not. Just, is he a friendly supportive person who adds to your life?

You sound so beaten. This isn't working for you is it,?

Nine years ago my h had an affair. I stayed. Then 15 months ago I started to think about leaving over something he had said. I couldn't do it to the kids, how would I manage? Even though I said I didn't know how I felt about him and couldn't imagine ever sleeping with him again, he still wanted to stay married. He has stayed at his parents house for weeks due to a bereavement and before this and before then and after he came back he had taken to sleeping elsewhere halfway through the night. Apparently I snored. If I woke and he was gone I was happy. Any excuse to not touch him, not be near him, have him go out.

Then I asked for a trial separation. He left. Now divorced.

It is bloody great! I am moving well away into my own home this year. I can't wait. Turns out I can manage everything myself with occasional guidance from friends. The kids are doing great and supporting me. No regrets.

I had been with him longer than life before, over 27 years. Now I'm free.

Do it.

I agree with this.

OP, i think you’re understandably trying to justify leaving on him being abusive and that you can’t justify if he isn’t or if you have some part to play in things. I think he absolutely IS abusive but also that maybe you’re asking the wrong question and that you need to think about whether you can live with this behaviour/cycle forever? You’re only 5 years in, this could be the thin end of the wedge. Does he swear/explode at others or is he mysteriously able to keep his temper with them?

I would read “”Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft if you haven’t already which I found helpful in looking at the motivation to abuse and “reasons” (excuses) for it. Basically he says it’s not feelings/mental health/addiction etc that are the issue, it’s these men’s thought patterns.

You're allowed to feel sad and to grieve, op.

We usually do when we end a relationship, even a terrible relationship and even if we're relieved & happy it's over, there's usually still pain there & often feelings of love can linger. That's why break-ups are hard.

But really what you're grieving is the ideal of the relationship & partner - what you want it to be, and what you convince yourself it can be before you realise it's all futile. That's the stage you're at now, realising it's actually just shit and never what it should be, even if he can put on an act occasionally, it's just smoke & mirrors.

Sadness & longing are normal and not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, they're a sign that you're a loving person who committed.

As you make steps forward, the sadness & longing will pass,to be replaced with optimism and happiness.

I think some of what you are describing definitely sounds like gaslighting. The doubting yourself, him blaming you for his behaviour, wondering whether it's really that bad. FWIW, my DH has never ever done ANY of those things on the Women's Aid list. And I would be properly shocked if he had. Obviously we disagree, have arguments, but he has never resorted to any of those behaviours. Normal decent men don't.

If you worked for a DV charity, do you remember the cycle of abuse? It's not always bad, sometimes he's actually quite nice, lovely even. You wonder if you're over-reacting, exaggerating how bad it is. But then another incident occurs and you're back to the eggshells.

DP seems to have left today. After telling me to fuck off, that he hates me, that I'm abusive.

My head is spinning.

I do feel quite certain that this is 'it', I don't think he'll come back (except for his stuff at some point).

I don't really know what to do with myself.

Step one for me would be sitting him down and saying that the language towards you needs to stop and that we need a reset. How he reacts to that will clearly tell if he has any respect for you or not.

I think this article helped me with making the decision many years ago

How to Decide When to End a Long-term Relationship

That's a really useful article.

I think I know in my heart that this is right. It feels like a mix of daunting and freeing right now. I miss him, and I don't, at the same time.

Day one of my new life today.

This is good news OP.

Of course you have mixed emotions, but it absolutely is good news, not least for your children.

He is an angry abusive man.
You and your children deserve better.

So glad to hear he can gone op, thank god for that, just don't let him back in, block him, don't unblock, tell landlord he's moved out and tell family members incase he comes back and is aggressive and if that happens contact the police immediately

@thisisalongdrive i hope you tell him HE HAS LEFT. After all, if he hates you, and you’re abusive, he really shouldn’t come back. Actually, he’s reversing (DARVO)…all the things he says you are - in actual fact HE is. Take charge of your own life, would you want a relationship like this for you dc? I’m sure you wouldn’t, so don’t let them witness and absorb your abusive partner treating you so badly. Yes, you may miss the ‘nice’ him, but that’s only one piece of the jigsaw. Would you enjoy eating a box of chocolates if you knew there were a couple that were poisoned? Sit with the missing him feelings, the grieving for the relationship you hoped for, and remind yourself that these feelings will pass….and pretty quick when you focus on the bad bits !

I do feel quite positive right now. It's a weight lifted, of trying to make something work that I was never able to fix. He said some really nasty, horrible things to me yesterday before he left. They weren't true. I'm a good person, and a good partner. I'm not perfect, who is? I never expected him to be either.

I haven't blocked him but he hasn't contacted me either so that's okay, we will need to talk at some point to sort out belongings and money but it can probably wait a couple of weeks to be honest. He left his keys, and is staying with a relative 100 miles away, I feel quite safe now.

I've just told the kids he's away for a bit, vague, they've got their own stuff going on at the moment and might overthink it if it's like an announcement. We're away next week so it may come up when we've space and time to just be together for a while.

Best friend is taking me to see Snow Patrol tonight! Very lucky to have her.

I miss him today. We had a nice life together for the most part.

That part of him that could be horrible, i don’t feel like it was intrinsic. I think he pushed his frustration back out when he couldn’t fix things. His DC lives a distance away, her mum moved and I don’t think he could handle it. Maybe I’m making excuses. But that was a year ago and I feel things got steadily worse since then. Before there was a lightness about him.

I know that even if that’s true it doesn’t make any of it okay. And it doesn’t matter what I think if he’s not being forthcoming and working on change, addressing his issues.

He left on Sunday and he hasn’t contacted me so it’s all academic really.

I need to remind myself it’s okay to miss him; of course I do. I’ve never laughed so much or so hard as when I was with him. I felt loved and protected and like we were completely solid. I didn’t doubt or question life with him, it was easy. He helped me relax and I helped him look outwards a bit more and embrace life a bit.

I don’t mean to be so wistful.

He had such a steadiness about him for so long. He was reliable, honest, caring. He was funny and interesting, witty and quick. He cared about the world, social issues, he was conscientious and thoughtful. And honestly he loved me so much. I know how it ended, I havent forgotten.

Now that he is gone, it is natural to remember the good bits. I hope you've kept a diary that includes all the bad bits. If not, go over your posts here and fill in the blanks - you'll remember, it'll all come back.

Hold on to the relief you fell when he left, the happiness of not walking on eggshells, not having to second guess his reactions and moods... And focus on the practicalities of disentangling your lives. You know you don't really want him back.

@thisisalongdrive ‘he tells me to shut up, to fuck off, he calls me names. I dread hearing his key in the lock, dread going home’. Funny how our brains remember the good bits more easily than the awful bits. Can you imagine yourself speaking like that to someone you love? As you said, it’s academic but please take care of yourself - he may have been wonderful then, but he has changed. Would you want one of your dc in a relationship like this? Expect much better, you’re worth it.

The pain feels so real today. How can I go on, I miss him, all the good - so much of it was so good. I know - I know nothing excuses disgusting behaviour. I know I was in a place where I felt low about the relationship. I know he was just horrible to me. But I know the rest of him too, and the relationship we had for so long, and I want that bit back. It's not mine anymore and I don't have a right to anything, and I guess he doesn't either. It just hurts. I keep crying uncontrollably.

I was with my ex for so long and was unhappy for many years before it ended. DP came along out of the blue with everything I had been missing. I wasn't looking for anything but then there he was shining bloody bright. People are complicated, I am too. I love life and try to fill mine with happiness, and then I have a crushing existential dread and wish I could just not take the next breath. I struggle with emotional regulation, I have attachment issues, I get anxious about loss. I am pernickety, I cannot relax until some minor inconsequential thing is taken care of, I like things just so. I am impulsive, terrible with money. I bury my head in the sand when it comes to practical problems. I am quite sure I am frustrating.

I want my old life back. The one where I felt secure and light and happy, and just looked forward to everything.

We have exchanged a couple of texts, said perhaps we'll talk this weekend, logistics of separation or possibility of reconciliation, I don't know, I don't know.

It’s been a really beautiful relationship for the most part and I can’t bear the idea of that being over

But it is over, whether you stay or go. Whether your partner was wearing a mask all along or he's just changed on you, what you had before has already gone.