How long to feel sure about having a baby/marrying someone?

[bananasarent]

Just that, really, how long do you think is reasonable for someone to want to wait to feel "sure" about having a baby or getting married?

I'm trying not to give too much info away re ages or other factors in play, but let's say both parties are established adults with careers, finances in order, old enough to have had many relationships and know what they're looking for etc in life. Too old to need to play the field anymore. Certainly at the sort of ages where others would already be settled down/married/have children.

How long would you want to know someone/be in a relationship with them before you feel you're ready to take that step?

I don’t think there is some obvious answer, but me personally, not before 2-3 years.

I knew before I agreed to go out with him as did he. He was 29 and I was 30, engaged after 6 months. We had been work colleagues for 18 months and had been very good friends for most of that time. Lots of work nights out as a group. Together 28 years, married for 25 years.

I'd consider getting engaged within a year, but wait for another year before getting married/having DC just to make sure.
Unless I was 40+ and financially stable, in which case I might do it quicker if having DC was a priority.
I wouldn't want to be dependent on a man I didn't know well.

When my DH and I met we were quite young and he told me he wanted to wait 7 years to have a baby. At the time I wanted one sooner than that and was a bit worried it would never happen if I waited until he was ready, but I loved him and really wanted to make it work. And we actually had a baby almost exactly 7 years later. Looking back 7 years was a good period of time for us as we got to travel and spend time together and grow as a couple. Though if we were older I probably wouldn’t have wanted to wait more than 2-3 years.

I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my husband within a month of meeting him. We moved in together just under three months after we met - it would have been sooner but it was more difficult to find rental property if you weren't married in those days. I was a few weeks off 18 and he was 21 when we met. We were going to get married very quickly but for various reasons we waited for two years, when we bought our first flat. We're now 66 and 70.

I really didn't want children when I was younger, and I was in my early 30s when I began to feel differently and we could afford for me to stay off work for several years. But if I had wanted children sooner, the length of time we had been together wouldn't have been a consideration.

I'd say 3-4 years minimum.

For all those saying they knew straight away please consider there has been many a sob story on here by those with the same mindset

And it ends in disaster because you can’t possibly know someone’s faults after a few months. They seem amazing, you don’t really know their finances, why are they still single? Are they abusive? Etc the good stuff is always there at the beginning

Be careful. Or wait at least 15mos! Oh and until you’ve met his family and friends

2 years at least, whatever your ages, best to wait for any mask slippage.

Yeah, the people who "knew straight away" and turned out to be wrong aren't going to post on here talking about how they moved in with someone after a week and it all turned to shit, so we only get to hear the success stories.

I've never understood the rush to move in then get married asap, I get that people might want to have babies soon if they're of a certain age but otherwise why not chill out and get to know each other before becoming financially and practically entwined with someone?

If I had to put a time on it, I'd say 2 years. But I think it's as much about behaviour as it is time. If there's any sniff of treating your time as not equal to theirs, childcare and other SAHP work as not equal to paid work, unequal division of labour in the home, different views about personal v family money, any hint of a temper, them promising or you hoping that things will change when a baby arrives, then they are usually not a good person to share parenthood with no matter how long you're with them for.

I think there are two factors at play here, time and experience. Time for me would be at least 2 years before marrying and if time was on my side 3 or 4 for actual marriage and tying yourself to someone financially too because you need that time to make sure you are getting the real person, there is only so long they can keep an act going.

The other are experiences so choosing and booking a holiday whether it be a weekend away or whatever, travelling with them and seeing how the approach that. Do you want to visit the same places? Do you enjoy city breaks? Choosing some sort of furniture together and putting flat pack together, or wrangling something large into the car. Or pretending you are choosing a duvet cover together or tiling, you need to know if you are compatible otherwise every decision like this will be fraught. Definitely some kind of living together to see if they pull their weight chores wise. You need to meet their family and friends, see who they choose to hang around with. When you argue how do you interact with each other? You want to feel like you know this person.

My parents are strict Catholic, married in the 60s and did not live together before marriage. Their taste in decor, plates, sofas, everything is very different and their communication was often shouty as one person tried to "win" their taste. My Dad even commented on some old photo from 1978 about how much he hated that wall paper. He is still bitter he lost that one. He is 83.

My nephew has been with his girlfriend for 8 years, they met at 16 and both still live with their parents after graduating uni. That is a very different timeline to someone meeting their partner at 30 and waiting at least 7 years before any engagement.

3 years minimum especially for kids, ideally I’d wait 4+ years for kids unless my age didn’t allow for that.

Marriage is one thing, yes it’s a commitment but you can get divorced relatively quickly and easily if need be, especially if short marriage, and never need to see the other person again.

Choosing who to have children with is a much bigger decision and commitment, one you can’t take back, that person is going to be in your life for the rest of your life no matter what and they will obviously be a huge influence on how your children are raised and the kind of adults those children become. You cannot know for sure after a short time whether a person is right for that.

So minimum 3 years for me, ideally longer.

Plus to add pregnancy & motherhood is a very vulnerable time, my husband and I have been together nearly 10 years and we welcomed our baby girl this year, I cannot imagine being comfortable being that exposed, raw and vulnerable both physically and mentally during pregnancy, birth, postpartum and finding my feet in motherhood if I’d only been with my partner a couple of years.

I met my DH, got married and had a baby within 13 months of getting together. When you know you know 😁

Sorry just to add I was 35 and he was 52 when we met😊

Engaged after 6 months, married after another 6 months.

Those saying wait, you can't know.. there's also lots on here who marry after years together to find they've married an arsehole.

I knew after less than a month.

Almost 40 years ago.

I did after two years (age was a factor). In hindsight I still don’t know if it was too soon or if it was having a family that made it more challenging. Been together 15 years now but I wouldn’t choose to do it if I had my time over. The person I wanted did not want me and DH seemed so safe and steady. I didn’t realise the reality was he was terrified of making any decisions and completely lacks spontaneity. That realisation came with time so I’d recommend giving yourself a few years and remembering babies change everything.

I’m with my partner for four years but I own a house and he doesn’t so I don’t see us ever marrying.

We had ds just over 3 years after getting together, we had lived together for 2 years but it all depends when it feels right. I wouldn't have had a child earlier than we did.

Only you can have the answer :)
Keeping in mind that unfortunately nothing is guaranteed for life

I met my DH in my late 20s. I wrote to my penfriend after our first date and told her he was the one for me. and he was and still is and has been for well over 35 years now. I had had other long term boyfriends (several years) but nothing felt the same way. However, my red line was no living together and certainly no children until we were engaged. I didnt want to have a child with someone only to find that when the going got tough, as it does, that they got going and left me to it.

I knew after a few months with DH, we moved in together after about 5 months and had talked about getting engaged etc in the future. We were quite young so not ready for kids then but I would have married him after 6 months

When you know because it is already your daily life that:

He shares your core values.

His actions show you consistently that he respects you (and that includes actively and without prompting taking an equal role in shopping, food prep, housework).

He actively seeks your happiness and well-being.

He demonstrates solid and ongoing support for your goals.

He has a history of making responsible choices.

I think for many relationships, you can know if that's true in a year or two. For others it may take longer.

There's never a guarantee that any marriage will work out longterm or that any man might not leave you and the dc. But having all of that in place makes a successful relationship - be it marriage or perhaps eventual co-parenting - much more likely.

I met now-DH in the November. By April I had my positive pregnancy test. We had a baby at the end of that year and got married early the next year. Had another baby last summer.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

Met and married in 11 months but it was second time around for both of us so we were maybe a little wiser. Took us 4 years to have a baby but that wasn't by choice, it just took that long. Together now 43 years so I think it's going to last

I got married to my husband relatively quickly and young, we were married just over 2 years from meeting. We then waited 5 years to have a child, which was longer than we had intended, but we needed the extra time.