How long to feel sure about having a baby/marrying someone?

[bananasarent]

Just that, really, how long do you think is reasonable for someone to want to wait to feel "sure" about having a baby or getting married?

I'm trying not to give too much info away re ages or other factors in play, but let's say both parties are established adults with careers, finances in order, old enough to have had many relationships and know what they're looking for etc in life. Too old to need to play the field anymore. Certainly at the sort of ages where others would already be settled down/married/have children.

How long would you want to know someone/be in a relationship with them before you feel you're ready to take that step?

Around 4-5 years as I personally believe it takes time to be sure that you have seen every side of a person there is to see.

If I’d gone with this it would be highly unlikely I’d have had children: I was 39 when I met DH, and as it was I was 40 when I had my first child.

Sometimes, you do just have to take a leap of faith!

I feel like I always knew. But didn’t get married for 10 years, baby came 2.5 years after that. We met in early 20s though.

We started trying for a baby after 9 months and got married 1.5 years in. We were (and still are) besotted with each other. When you know you know.

Oh, this is a tough one OP. I actually do not think that there is a definitive answer to this. I dated my exh for two years before we got married and it ended up to be a bad match. My sister dated her husband for two weeks before moving abroad. Then they dated long distance for a year after which he joined her overseas, they married and had been together for almost thirty years. You never know, some relationships work, some do not, I do not think it matters how long you waited to commit.

I'd say try for a baby within a year. Life's full of risks but delaying when you're older is not logical if you've met a partner who you love.

I think a more truthful tale of woe, for me at least, is that I changed after having kids. Not the first kid. That was manageable and enjoyable but the second broke me and I lost who I was and became 'mum'. I'm not cut out to be a mother. I resent listening to their arguments, feeling so tied down and have felt stressed since DC2 was born. I worry about everything from their hobbies, schools, tutors, exams, food they eat, friends they lose, screen time. I don't like picking up after them, constantly trying to find something they will eat, ferrying them to music, drama, sports, swimming, football. Just about everything. And I hate 75% of it.
DH on the other hand is steady and reliable and was born to be a father. He does most of the grocery shopping and cooks from scratch five days a week, he does some of the cleaning and earns five times my salary.

DH and I knew each other three years before we had DC1. I was in my late 30s. We were both certain we wanted kids. I didn't realise I would dislike being a parent. DH wasn't to know either.

Please make sure life has thrown you some tests like stress and illness first so you can see how they behave when it's not fun and they have to support you. I got pregnant based on the honeymoon phase and he turned nasty once I started expecting help from him and holding him accountable and then he left just before baby was born. And is now putting me through hell

Of course shared values are important but how do you know you have shared values until you have spent sufficient time with a person observing them in different situations. I am not making the same point as you because for me, time spent with a person is important. It does not have to be years but 3 months is too short hence I said you were lucky.

I disagree with most posters. If you're older and both parties have been around the block a few times, I think you often know quite quickly. Less than a year doesn't seem crazy to me.

I'd say 3-4 years (with at least 2 lining together) to get a good gist of a person.

I was with dh 7 years before we had our son. Our son is disabled which makes day to day life challenging, we have had some significant losses/trauma too.we are still together and love each other but our life is hard and it has took a toll on our relationship.

The truth is you don't really know what your relationship can stand until you face it.

Equally, you can live with someone for YEARS but not know how they will take to parenting. Parenting is not a role anyway can prepare for. There is no manual.

We weren't conventional.
Met when both 32.
Pregnant after 3 months,married after 3.5 years.
Been together 11.5 years and married for 8

DH and I got engaged after 6 months, married a year later. Took ages to have kids. We wanted some time together first then ended up needing five years of IVF. But we knew we wanted them. We were both sure.

To PPs who say for everyone who 'just knew' there are others who 'just knew' and were wrong. I'm sure that is true, but there was something different about DH from the moment we met. I remember watching him catch up with our mutual friend in the pub and thinking: I could never get bored of that face. That was only 15 mins after we first met. Then when we started dating my Dbro said 'You talk about him differently from anyone else' and when I asked what he meant, he didn't quite know, but said, 'as if he matters'. I felt calm around DH. I never felt nervy or as if I had to pretend to be someone I wasn't.

And he felt the same. He told me he'd said to a previous date that he was looking for someone he could be silly with and she said she didn't know what he meant. We are still silly together, 30 years later, and make each other laugh every day. I knew I could be happy with him for the rest of my life within 15 minutes. Can't explain how or why. But about three weeks later he did something so silly and funny and lovely, that few people would get, but was characteristic of why we were right for each other, and at that moment I thought: I am going to ask you to marry me when we have been dating for a year. But then, he got in there first and asked me six months before I got the chance.

Also, not just lucky. Just a good judge character from experience.

We've never married but it takes years to get to know someone properly to trust them enough to commit and especially to have children with them.

We were together for 2 years before moving in together. Then a further 3 years before deciding to have children. You have to see the other person in a variety of situations and definitely when the newness of the relationship has worn off to really get to know them. You have to see how they behave when they're under stress, when they're having a crap time at work, how they treat their friends/family in various situations, how they cope with no sleep, how they act when you disagree years into a relationship etc.

Lots of people are great when everything is new and they're making an effort. All my relationships were great at the start, it often takes longer to see the person for how they really are.

Thanks for all the advice. I wanted to get a fair analysis of opinions on what is good/normal/ideal without adding other relevant details. Most people are saying periods of around 2 years minimum which I understand. The added pressure is that I am late 30s and he is mid 40s so it doesn't feel like we really have time to play with. But maybe a little longer than it's been (14 months) is fair to wait 😕

He's been feeling v pressured by conversations I've had with him re time frame/worrying about running out of time (which first got raised after around 8 months or so..) I guess our ages play an important factor in the real world but if you take those away then it's not enough time to be sure about someone really (14 months) yet so a risk to make those decisions before you're sure...

5-8 years

OP, you don't need to listen to those who say 2years minimum. They were no doubt younger when they met.
Seriously, I would say to your partner you're coming off the pill. You don't have to actively ttc, just stop preventing it and see what happens.

If he's adamant it's too soon you have the choice of using condoms.
When you meet in your late thirties, you know when you've met the right person so grab the chance.

Anything under two years is risky I think. If time is ticking I think I would wait until past the 2 year mark at a minimum.

Can I also add you can never be that sure! The biggest risk is yours and his fertility!

You say: He's been feeling v pressured by conversations I've had with him re time frame/worrying about running out of time (which first got raised after around 8 months or so..)

I think it's important that you take this into consideration as if he is not ready/feeling pressured then that's going to come between you two when you have a baby and that new life that comes with that. I said I knew 5 months in to be ready to TTC but that was with then bf/now DH being ready as well and we had discussed children and reality of having them in older age from the very beginning. It was never uncomfortable topic but just one of thousands of topics we talked about.

Sorry but please don't allow his 'feeling pressured' to stop you having mature and open conversations (unless it's every second word).

He knew he was getting seriously involved with a woman your age who wanted kids.

I know in an ideal world you'd have met 5 years ago but you didn't. Meeting your ages (and ours if I hadn't got cancer) it is a bit of a leap of faith TTC in good time. You can either take a chance on being the right partner or your fertility holding out. Neither is guaranteed. He knows that too and knows you need to face this quite soon if you want to stay together. Don't just avoid the topic because he's not ready. Could be that he never will be. Or with you. He needs to say what he wants.

I’d not even consider having a child with someone I’d not lived with for at least 5 years, probably longer.

Unfortunately circumstances don’t always permit that and you have to play the hand you’re dealt.

The best advice I can offer is if you have really good friends ask their advice. If they suggest it isn’t a good idea it probably isn’t.

Nothing is more of a turn off than someone telling you how little time they have to start a family...