How long to feel sure about having a baby/marrying someone?

[bananasarent]

Just that, really, how long do you think is reasonable for someone to want to wait to feel "sure" about having a baby or getting married?

I'm trying not to give too much info away re ages or other factors in play, but let's say both parties are established adults with careers, finances in order, old enough to have had many relationships and know what they're looking for etc in life. Too old to need to play the field anymore. Certainly at the sort of ages where others would already be settled down/married/have children.

How long would you want to know someone/be in a relationship with them before you feel you're ready to take that step?

Depends on your age and fertility.

I was 29 and DH was 35 when we met. Both established careers/own houses/savings etc. We got married within a year.

I made it clear I was dating to settle down/marry/have kids (I had known fertility issues due to surgery, and wanted to try for a baby sooner rather than later). We just clicked, and rarely spent a day apart. I met his family/friends/work colleagues. We were both open with finances with each other and knew what we were getting into. He continuously showed how much he supported/cared/respected and cherished me in his actions, not just words.

He's the loveliest husband and has only got better since the day we met. I'm now (finally) pregnant with our first child @ 31!🎉.

That being said, nothing in life is guaranteed, and you never know what life will throw at you 10 years down the line. As long as you are well informed, don't have any niggles of doubt, and generally have a sensible head on your shoulders then you should go for it. Life is too short to miss out on happiness and what you want.

Engaged 9 days after first meeting, married 3 months later, by which time I was already pregnant.

He hid his alcoholism until the honeymoon. It took me 3 years to realise he was gay.

For me and DP it wasn't until after the baby had already turned up!

DD was born 10 months into our relationship, and DP had no idea she was pregnant until she went into labour.

As far as we were concerned we were still in a casual boyfriend / girlfriend / see each other a couple of times a week relationship. We had to have some very serious conversations about whether we saw this as a long term relationship, whether we were going to move in together, how we were going to co-parent effectively if now, all while learning how to be parents at the same time.

I was fairly sure that DP was someone I could spend my life with by this point, but DP didn't tell me she loved me until DD was already 2 months old. DD was 5 months before they moved in with me, and DD is now nearly 17 years old and we've still not gotten round to getting married!

I dont really know everyone is different.
I knew from a young age i never wanted children or marriage.
Something about the whole tied down thing being responsible for someone else etc.
What if it didnt work out divorce having to be part of an exs life because we have kids.
Just so much drama i didnt want in my life.
We all have a different look on it really.

Ouch i hope you got away and never rushed in to it again.

Got engaged after nearly 2 years, married a year later and out of the blue, the week we got back from our honeymoon, he quit his job to become a full time cocklodger

Divorced him, met 2nd husband, unplanned but very welcome pregnancy 6 months later and got married 3 years after that whilst pregnant with number 2. And that was when he started shouting 🤦‍♀️

Some of these fuckers can hold it together for a very long time before they let their mask slip.

2 years +

I have seen a lot of relationships over the years. I would spend as much time as possible him. Don't ignore your friends either once you're in a relationship.
See if you share similar views. See what he is like when your dealing with stress in work or dealing with friend or family issues. If your in your late 20's or older you need to be very honest about what you want. If you want to get married and then have family tell him this and if he fobs you off I would end things. Don't waste your time in relationship with a man who does not want the same as you.

Another thing to watch is are you with a man who's not mean with his time or money. It not about the big presents but if you notice he letting you always pay for things, complains about the cost of everything and seems reluctant to spend money I would be cautious.

A man like this can resent the cost of kids, childcare and won't want to give up their hobbies like marathon training, golf, cycling ect when meanwhile you could have a baby and toddler at home. If you are a couple who have a child or children you going to have a few years when they are babies and small children that can be difficult and you both need some child free time.
This time can be hard going for a lot of couple's.

Also I have seen several couples that one of them had to leave work for a while because they had a sick child or a child with special needs. I knew one lady who now only does locum work because of her sn child and their appointments.

You need to be on the same page regarding money and decide what's for spending, saving and for putting into pensions.

See what he is like when things don't go according to plan and how he deals with this.
You need to be with someone who is willing to listen and to make changes to improve themselves, to get a better job ect. A relationship requires give and take. If your doing all the giving and he does nothing but take I walk away now.

I would also ensure that your married before having kids as it gives you better legal protection.

I have seen a lot of relationships over the years. I would spend as much time as possible him. Don't ignore your friends either once you're in a relationship.
See if you share similar views. See what he is like when your dealing with stress in work or dealing with friend or family issues. If your in your late 20's or older you need to be very honest about what you want. If you want to get married and then have family tell him this and if he fobs you off I would end things. Don't waste your time in relationship with a man who does not want the same as you.

Another thing to watch is are you with a man who's not mean with his time or money. It not about the big presents but if you notice he letting you always pay for things, complains about the cost of everything and seems reluctant to spend money I would be cautious.

A man like this can resent the cost of kids, childcare and won't want to give up their hobbies like marathon training, golf, cycling ect when meanwhile you could have a baby and toddler at home. If you are a couple who have a child or children you going to have a few years when they are babies and small children that can be difficult and you both need some child free time.
This time can be hard going for a lot of couple's.

Also I have seen several couples that one of them had to leave work for a while because they had a sick child or a child with special needs. I knew one lady who now only does locum work because of her sn child and their appointments.

You need to be on the same page regarding money and decide what's for spending, saving and for putting into pensions.

See what he is like when things don't go according to plan and how he deals with this.
You need to be with someone who is willing to listen and to make changes to improve themselves, to get a better job ect. A relationship requires give and take. If your doing all the giving and he does nothing but take I walk away now.

I would also ensure that your married before having kids as it gives you better legal protection.

If you are older, I'd say the time period is shorter because you have been around the block and can spot red flags sooner.

Move in with them (but don't buy together yet). You will know after 6 months to a year..

By the time I met my DH at late 30s I knew I was ready to start TTC 5 months in. But that needed both of us being on the same page and recognising what we had.

We were in a loosely connected group of friends but I didn’t really know him. married after 9 months . three children but after the first one the marriage was already in trouble .
I was 32 when we got married .
It was far too quick and I would / should never have married him if I had known him better .
So many variables and factors . But bitter and sad experience has taught me never rush .

Surely these are the kind of things that you consider, rather than the length of time per se.

Have you spent time with his family?
Can you easily discuss your wants and goals? Does he support them?
Is your life better for him being in it?

It's not about how long you've known him it's about how much time you've spent with him.

8-10 years

How do they deal with the unexpected or a crisis? What are they like when you're sick? What's their parents' relationship like? Do they have good friends who aren't arseholes? I'd put more weight on these things than on length of time.

My DP and I would have started TTC after a year (mid-late 30s and wanted more than one so were happy to take a chance plus had been inseparable) but unfortunately a serious health issue kicked in so it looks unlikely now. Marriage, not really a priority but he's proven himself to be the love of my life. Luckily he's stuck by me. I wanted kids more than he did.

Have a really careful think about how you feel in the round and what he's like as a match and a reliable person.

Generally I'd say I could have told you very early on how relationships were going to pan out(not necessarily how they'd end, just whether they were right long term). Go with that, not a fixed period.

Bit of an anomaly here as I don’t think there is necessarily a right amount of time. I was with DH for 3 months before I got pregnant unexpectedly with our first.
By all accounts it should’ve been a disaster, but we were both mid-late 30s, had wanted kids but hadn’t thought we’d get the chance given our ages and life stages. But luckily we have a lot of shared values and respect for each other as partners and co-parents.
I also have friends who were together for 10 years, married, house, good jobs. Baby came along and they split within the year.
My point is the length of time isn’t all that important. You need to be on the same page and equally as committed to your family life. It being “the right time” doesn’t always matter as was the case for me and DH (and I’d argue there is never a right time) and doing it just because it’s the next step isn’t always the right thing to do either.
You can live child-free with someone for years but not know how parenting is going to change them. Sometimes for the good, sometimes not.

But if you can’t agree now whether the time is right then that’s probably not a good sign and suggests you hold differing values with regard to what starting a family should be.

I'd say you were lucky.

The whole point is not to wing it but to take the time to suss the other party out first. Just because it worked for you and not for others does not mean 3 months is any standard to go for because it could have gone either way if your partner was just mirroring your values to hook you in (aka love bombing).

Three years.

Most tales of woe about "he changed after we had kids" are from people who rushed into having kids on short acquaintance.

You’re making exactly the same point as me. It’s got nothing to do with the time. It’s about having shared ideas and values.

Like I said, my situation on paper sounds terrible and maybe I was lucky, but on the other hand I was older, wiser and could spot bullshit a mile away.

And people that spent their whole twenties with each other where life and expectations are very different to their thirties might also be more inclined to overlook things because of the longevity of the relationship and fear of “starting again” over 30.

Being able to “wing-it” well with someone is more useful than all of life’s best laid plans when a baby appears.

Met my DH on Boxing Day, he moved in on New Years Eve, we were married by April. So 16 weeks from meeting to married. Oh and the first time I met any of his friends was on our wedding day when his oldest childhood friend showed up to act as one of our witnesses.

I know it sounds trite, but when you know, you know. Zero regrets here - best decision ever.

I've rtft and am still none the wiser. I'm impressed that anyone can be sure, ever. I've never met a man who made me feel remotely like that. Not sure what I'm lacking.

We got married on the secondary anniversary of our first date, we were 27 and 33, our daughter then came home eight months later, we had intended a larger gap between wedding and having a child together, but it thankfully for us took a slightly different course.

After our first date I told my cat I would marry him, obviously for everyone that says they knew from the start and were right, there will be far more who were wrong.

My husband and I knew pretty instantly, we talked about marriage and kids from our first date. We didn’t actually get engaged until we’d been together three years though.
Covid put us a bit behind, we’d probably have done it in year 2.