Hello everyone,
I have NC to protect my identity.
I know it is too early to post at this time. But I haven't been sleeping nor eating for a couple of days. My abusive ex is making excuses not to return our daughter back home and I don't know what to do.
To begin. I have a daughter who is 13 and has additionally needs. I have been the primary carer for my daughter since she's been born whilst her father was in and out of her life and due to the abuse, was encouraged to see our daughter through supervised contact but he refused.
Two years ago, he reappeared and requested to be involved in our daughter's life. But has caused nothing but trouble. He proclaims that he wants to see his daughter but I feel this is more about him reclaiming his control. So many episodes have happened (he has an indefinite restraining order in place). He has been stalking me, been outside our flat on numerous occasions, came to my daughter school to attempt to take her and sundew had a big scuffle with the teachers who stopped him, One day my daughter saw him on the way to school and she went out with him and by the time I found out, he then began to refuse to bring her back, we rang the police, we were searching up and down past 1am until my mother convinced him to bring her back. He proclaimed that he wanted to see his daughter and I was refusing and wanted us to sort out the matter. I did not. I was hoping he would soon begin to lose interest but I wished I took this as a sign to take this to court. As you can see, he has been breaching the restraining order over and over again.
Fast forward to last week, my daughter and I have been staying at my family's house during the summer break as we are renovating our flat. My cousin and my ex get along very very well and in the past, when my daughter will spend weekends at my family's house, my ex will contact my cousin to get through to my daughter and they will have telephone conversations. I didn't think this was weird and was slightly relieved so didn't take an issue with this. But then my ex would give my cousin stuff to give to my daughter that he bought for her- but I was unaware, to the point that my cousin would refuse to tell me what the dad got for my daughter as he would say "it is his business and he told me not to tell you".
Anyway, back to last week. So we have been staying at my family's house yada yada. My daughter went to see my cousin to ask him about something, whilst I was downstairs pottering around. Then all of a sudden, I just heard a bang- like a door has been shut and footsteps hurrying out. I immediately went to look out of the door, but saw nothing, I then went to look out of the window to see who went out of the house, nothing, I then went upstairs to check on my daughter, but despite calling her name, she was not answering and I couldn't see my cousin. I immediately called my cousin but he was not picking up my calls. Then, I just knew that my cousin took my daughter to her father's house. I called my sister, my ex's family, and they confirmed that they were able to get through to the dad and my cousin and confirmed that my daughter was at their father's.
I have called my ex on numerous occasions to bring my daughter home. But he is refusing. He says that this is all "my fault" and that I should have made an agreement to allow him to see her and that he would only return her if an agreement was put in place or he would keep a hold of her and wait for the court to ask him to return her back. My family have been pleading with him to return our daughter back and he would then make promises that he will return her on such and such day, but makes an excuse not to bring her. He is asking to see his daughter, unsupervised, one day a week during term day and to have her for half of the holidays. But I have told him that due to his unpredictable behaviour and the fact we can't co parent and that he doesn't know my daughter very well. We need to take it step by step and have something in writing. But he is refusing.
I have had to cancel all my daughter's doctor's appointments because she is not back. I have spoken to her on the phone and she seems okay. But she doesn't know where she is and would not tell me as her father tells her not to say anything. Her father has now agreed to give her back tomorrow as she has an appointment then but now he is asking for proof of this as he has enjoyed spending time with her and does not want her to come back. Now I am up worried that this will be another excuse not to bring her home.
What do I do? I know she is 13- soon to be 14 and that she is a teen and wants to see her father and can technically just go and see her father whenever she wants without my permission. But her father's behaviour is so unpredictable, where it compromises my safety. My cousin is ignoring my calls and is refusing to tell me the father's address. I am just distraught. I have brought her up as a single parent for the past 13 years. We have a holiday booked but I don't know if I have to cancel that one. I am just broken and don't know what to do.