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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I unreasonable? Female friend at work

95 replies

Charlie351 · 19/08/2024 19:56

Me and DH together for nearly 7 years. DH has a female friend at work, they’ve only be friendly last 6 months or so. All of a sudden he’s meeting her to go for a drink every week. We have been introduced and done a couple of things all three of us. She has a partner (new thing, only few weeks).

This week she asked him to help build some furniture as she lives round the corner. He said yep no worries we would both go round and take drinks. She said oh, if she comes (me) I’ll need to clean the house and I don’t have time. Long story short DH didn’t end up going as I was uncomfortable him spending his sat night alone with her in her house and she didn’t “have time to clean”

Fast forward a few days - she’s texting to say she’s broken down and regularly general life updates. I go visit family and come home to DH on the phone to her “cos she was bored while driving”

Overall I just think this is a bit much. They’re seeing each other once a week ish, texting occasionally and now she’s phoning him while driving.

Am I being unreasonable about this? Is this too much? I don’t know how to move forward from this but it’s infuriating me every time I hear her name.

OP posts:
SauviGone · 19/08/2024 19:58

Yes it’s too much and your DH appears to be lapping it up.

HyggeTygge · 19/08/2024 19:59

There's nothing inherently wrong with male/female friendships but this sounds a bit full-on and I'd be wondering why she didn't have any friends she's known for longer than 6 months to chat to when bored.

What does your dh think? Mine would find this a bit weird tbh.

Pantherino · 19/08/2024 20:00

YANBU at all. She needs to back the F off. And DH really ought to know better. No doubt she's easy on the eye and DH enjoys the attention.

Calling him cos shes bored and fancies a chat?! Get some fking friends!

teenmaw · 19/08/2024 20:00

Jesus he's in a relationship with this woman and doesn't realize it. He needs to have a word with himself op, inappropriate levels of interaction for a married man with a colleague by a country mile.

BarbaraWoodlouse1 · 19/08/2024 20:01

Oh darling! It’s not too much. You sound like you’ve been patient. I’m all for letting people be friends with who they want to be friends with but I wouldn’t be having this. I’d be really calm and clear telling him it’s not on. He needs to knock it on the head. She sounds super keen doesn’t she? His ego will be enjoying it but if you frighten him into reality I’m sure he’ll decide what he wants to do. I’d be pissed off & im pretty open minded & easy going.

Lmnop22 · 19/08/2024 20:03

Why doesn’t she call her own partner when she’s bored driving home?!

I am not against normal male/female friendships at all but this is over the line. He needs to be the one to change it though and put the boundary in place!

Myfavouriteflowers · 19/08/2024 20:04

He's dating her!

spongelover · 19/08/2024 20:06

Pantherino · 19/08/2024 20:00

YANBU at all. She needs to back the F off. And DH really ought to know better. No doubt she's easy on the eye and DH enjoys the attention.

Calling him cos shes bored and fancies a chat?! Get some fking friends!

I second this.
She's overstepping the line completely, the audacity is crazy I can't comprehend how she's not embarrassed to be acting like that. Tell him you're not comfortable with the it relationship anymore and would rather they did not meet up anymore. If he acts defensive that's a major red flag, his response should be simply "I respect that and wouldn't like it if it was the other way around so I will reduce communication/meetings". Sorry OP, she needs to get lost

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2024 20:06

Your husband needs to wake up and tell his girlfriend it's over.

vincettenoir · 19/08/2024 20:07

YNBU. I don’t like the sound of her either. She can’t reasonably expect to rely on him whenever she wants, at short notice. I don’t know if she fancies him or is maybe just a bit of a leech but YNBU to have concerns about this.

autienotnaughty · 19/08/2024 20:09

I'd be ok with dh having female friends. But I would not be keen on being excluded. Why is she comfortable with your dh going and not you? It's also really rude to say you're not welcome.

It would be totally reasonable to say you feel uncomfortable with their friendship

redtrain123 · 19/08/2024 20:10

Your dh is enjoying helping ‘the damsel in distress’ , and is flattered by her attention. She’s perfected the victim role perfectly and your Dh is her latest conquest.

It’s obvious she’s interested in him, because when Dh invited you, the invite was withdrawn. Also, she’s ringing him randomly and sharing stuff plus there’s the weekly drinks (aka dates).

Do you go out for weekly drinks with your dh? Or work colleagues?

If you’re not careful, Dh will be drawn from platonic friendship to emotional affair territory. The script has began and you need to nip it in the buds.

Ask Dh, would he go out with weekly drinks with Garry from accounts, or would accept frequent phonecalls from Barry from the workshop, or would he mind if you went out with the new (bodybuilding) Pete in your department?

DramaAlpaca · 19/08/2024 20:10

That's far too much. You need to have a very stern word with your DH and spell out very clearly what's going on from your point of view and that you are not comfortable or cool with it. Just in case his ego is enjoying the attention so much he hasn't realised what she's up to. He does need to assert his boundaries here.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 19/08/2024 20:13

Show your husband this thread and let him know if she carries on you are going to tell her to back the fuck off yourself just as he would if you behaved like this with another man.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 19/08/2024 20:15

She can fuck right off and take her manky house, bored brain and passive aggressive personality with her. Fucking weirdo. Your DH must grow a pair and stop acting like a scared child. Is she his boss?! Or remind him of his Mother…

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2024 20:16

Her inviting him over to her house on a Saturday night, and then rescinding the invite once you were part of the deal, is just unbelievable. She's got balls, I'll give her that. She couldn't be more obvious if she tried.

Pantherino · 19/08/2024 20:21

@redtrain123 has this spot on. I reckon this OW has has no/few female friends and is one of these types who prefers the company of men, especially the ones who'll listen to her prattle on about nothing and come to her aid when she clicks her fingers. She's disrespecting you, but so is DH but even more so.
I wonder how the new man on the scene feels about her relationship with your DH. He's probably just a ruse.

Myfavouriteflowers · 19/08/2024 20:23

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2024 20:16

Her inviting him over to her house on a Saturday night, and then rescinding the invite once you were part of the deal, is just unbelievable. She's got balls, I'll give her that. She couldn't be more obvious if she tried.

Tbh some of the things she is doing, the way she is acting, are so ott cheeky and presumptuous it does make you wonder how close they are acting at work.
OP your DH must be really giving out signals that he is interested in her for her to feel the way she is behaving is going to be well received by him.

solice84 · 19/08/2024 20:28

Fuck that
I bet if it was 64 year old Keith the lonely janitor from work ringing him for chats and wanting him to built furniture he wouldn't bother to answer the phone .

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2024 20:32

Myfavouriteflowers · 19/08/2024 20:23

Tbh some of the things she is doing, the way she is acting, are so ott cheeky and presumptuous it does make you wonder how close they are acting at work.
OP your DH must be really giving out signals that he is interested in her for her to feel the way she is behaving is going to be well received by him.

Edited

You're absolutely right. She is one cheeky git, but I am sure the op's husband is playing right along.

DottieMoon · 19/08/2024 20:36

Completely agree, you are not unreasonable. She is overstepping and acting like he’s her DP. Why would she be uncomfortable you going round without cleaning but not him? Just an excuse.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/08/2024 20:37

I would be expecting any husband of mine to take me out also to see this woman as a couple, the bare faced nerve of acting like he is a single man.

InevitableNameChanger · 19/08/2024 20:38

Yanbu. It's the classic damsel in distress /knight in shining armour game.

He needs to make put down some professional boundaries and if he doesn't then he doesn't respect your marriage

InevitableNameChanger · 19/08/2024 20:39

solice84 · 19/08/2024 20:28

Fuck that
I bet if it was 64 year old Keith the lonely janitor from work ringing him for chats and wanting him to built furniture he wouldn't bother to answer the phone .

Yes, this is always my bench mark for whether a line is being crossed!

LaurieFairyCake · 19/08/2024 20:40

solice84

Best fucking response ever Grin