Am I unreasonable? Female friend at work

[Charlie351]

Me and DH together for nearly 7 years. DH has a female friend at work, they’ve only be friendly last 6 months or so. All of a sudden he’s meeting her to go for a drink every week. We have been introduced and done a couple of things all three of us. She has a partner (new thing, only few weeks).

This week she asked him to help build some furniture as she lives round the corner. He said yep no worries we would both go round and take drinks. She said oh, if she comes (me) I’ll need to clean the house and I don’t have time. Long story short DH didn’t end up going as I was uncomfortable him spending his sat night alone with her in her house and she didn’t “have time to clean”

Fast forward a few days - she’s texting to say she’s broken down and regularly general life updates. I go visit family and come home to DH on the phone to her “cos she was bored while driving”

Overall I just think this is a bit much. They’re seeing each other once a week ish, texting occasionally and now she’s phoning him while driving.

Am I being unreasonable about this? Is this too much? I don’t know how to move forward from this but it’s infuriating me every time I hear her name.

100 % . It's never Keith.

She wants a big of him and he’s absolutely loving it. What a traitor.

Why is he going to his colleagues house for drinks?? This isn't normal no. Ok if it was a group or a man

I'd find this behaviour just as disturbing if it was another man, if not more so .

This is giving red flags.

From someone who has witnessed so many affairs start at work. This is how it begins.

Ask your dh how he would feel if you had a male colleague demanding your attention. See what he says. He needs to not answer her calls and messages and attention seeking.

Tale as old as time.

YANBU

She needs to back right off and your puppy dog DH needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

I actually feel as though this post can't be genuine, surely no one would put up with this? If it is genuine then of course none of its acceptable and you need to tell your dh he chooses either you or her.

"help build some furniture". Her partner can help her with that, or she can hire someone.

"she’s broken down" Her partner can support her.

"she was bored while driving”. When one is driving it is good to focus on the driving.

Maybe you can start hanging out, all four of you, instead? You and your husband, together with her and her partner. You will have a great time double dating.

at a guess you either trust your dh or there is no trust ?@Charlie351

This is the start of something bad. DH needs to nip it in the bud.

So sick of these types of threads!

I had this in its early stages and made it very clear what was at stake. He cut it off and that was that. Seemed to burst his bubble and realise how stupid he'd been.

She's taking the piss and he's behaving like a fool. You need to tell him very clearly that either this stops now or you're out of there! I'd be absolutely fuming!

takes two to tango, if your other half is loyal etc then theres no issues

This woman is asking OP's DH to do all the things you would expect a boyfriend/ partner to do.
OP says this woman has a new partner.
It sounds like this new partner doesn't actually exist but has been invented for the express purpose of allaying any suspicions that there is something going on between her and OP's DH.
I know that this is just me speculating but you do have to wonder where the woman's partner fits in to her life if she is treating OP's DH as her boyfriend.

There's been a few threads like this lately.
I always wonder if the dh would be as understanding if dw was at another mans beck and call.
Cosy chats,drinks etc.

@Charlie351, this OW is clearly not a ‘friend of your marriage’, yet your H has loosened his boundaries for her and is basking in her attention.

They are acting like a new couple — going on dates, building an intimate connection and reliance, and yes, there is a Rescuer/Damsel element. They are both getting a gratifying buzz from his being her go-to guy.

Read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She describes how, in the absence of appropriate boundaries, a friendship can evolve into emotional infidelity and more. When one partner opens a window to a third party and channels more and more emotional energy and attention to her/him, an illicit bond is forged which threatens and diminishes the primary relationship.

H is playing with fire. He needs to shut this down and greatly distance himself immediately.

I thought this but didn't like to say. I am praying you're right because it's very upsetting to think that a woman would have such crushing low self esteem, that she would tolerate her husband behaving like this.

Basically pissing around with another woman under her nose, being hideously disrespectful to her, taking the piss out of her, and mugging her off. As pps have said, there have been multiple threads like this just this past week. WTF is going on? No way in hell is it acceptable for a MARRIED man to be constantly messaging, and seeing another woman (alone,) and having secret flirty chats with her.

They are not 'friends.' Please! 😖 Married men should not have close chummy female friends who they see alone, and regularly socialise with, without their wife. No, Just fuck that! Fuck the cool wives, and fuck the 'people should be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex' bullshit!!! Just fuck it. Married men should not be focusing their attention and time and affection on any woman they are not related to!

This isn’t an old colleague he’s worked with for a decade! There probably is some attraction there (it happens) but that’s even more reason for him to stay away. Your husband is justifying this behaviour by being the good guy/helping her out and thinks it’s alright if he tells you about their contact. If this is a change in his normal behaviour/pattern of developing friendships I’d be worried. I get that you don’t want to look jealous but he has put you in this position

@Zow Have to disagree with you on not being able to spend time with married men alone. My best friend is a married man. We do spend time alone and have done for years. I also spend time with his wife, including alone. That's where the problem lies - nothing wrong with actual friends spending time together.

@Charlie351 Ask DH to get his new friend's boyfriend's number for you, you'd like to chat when you're bored driving and ask him to come round on Saturday night.

Might give him some perspective but he's more likely enjoying the attention. He didn't go build furniture so maybe not having an affair yet, but when my ex started talking to his colleague on the phone when I was at work the affair followed very quickly behind.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay

Have to disagree with you on not being able to spend time with married men alone. My best friend is a married man. We do spend time alone and have done for years. I also spend time with his wife, including alone. That's where the problem lies - nothing wrong with actual friends spending time together.

But you know your married male friend's wife. And even socialise with her. So your situation is irrelevant to this discussion. It's a completely different situation, and nothing like the OP's (or any situation that includes just the married man and a female 'friend.')

I doubt very much that your male friend's wife would be too happy if you fraternized and socialized with her husband alone, didn't want to know her, exchanged private messages with him, and had a little world together that excluded her.

Any man who does this to his wife doesn't deserve a wife. He's a piece of shit.

.

My husband had an affair the work friend. I asked if there was anything going on before it happened.
It wouldn't have mattered if I had said you - are too close - please stop. They would have done it anyway. The ego boost, the excitement, the thinking they were so sneaky.
Trying to get trough the otherside now. I am really damaged & he is having to work really hard.
Everything is 50/50, I have time to myself, have lost weight, my relationship has been changed forever. I can walk away if needed.
Her family/ husband don't know, I have tried to make it so if he goes looking he will find it.

I'd be fuming, I'd be telling him you chat at work and that's it, no jobs, no favours, no chats while driving, that's what her boyfriend is for, if it doesn't stop you can leave. X

I'd be out the door or he would be. No way would I tolerate this.