Am I unreasonable? Female friend at work

[Charlie351]

Me and DH together for nearly 7 years. DH has a female friend at work, they’ve only be friendly last 6 months or so. All of a sudden he’s meeting her to go for a drink every week. We have been introduced and done a couple of things all three of us. She has a partner (new thing, only few weeks).

This week she asked him to help build some furniture as she lives round the corner. He said yep no worries we would both go round and take drinks. She said oh, if she comes (me) I’ll need to clean the house and I don’t have time. Long story short DH didn’t end up going as I was uncomfortable him spending his sat night alone with her in her house and she didn’t “have time to clean”

Fast forward a few days - she’s texting to say she’s broken down and regularly general life updates. I go visit family and come home to DH on the phone to her “cos she was bored while driving”

Overall I just think this is a bit much. They’re seeing each other once a week ish, texting occasionally and now she’s phoning him while driving.

Am I being unreasonable about this? Is this too much? I don’t know how to move forward from this but it’s infuriating me every time I hear her name.

Been there , got the T shirt- tell him he tells her to back off or you will be messaging her. I was far far too accommodating about it and felt sorry for this person- by chance someone told me she did this all the time with couples that were 'doing ok' - she liked the power and the fact she was annoying the wife as she always ended up with total tossers!!

I was scrolling to see when another wrote the same. They are dating. Not okay. No!
You are NOT being unreasonable!
It makes me jealous and upset to read it. Reminds me of my marriage..

I’m willing to bet she’s attractive OP…..I’ll bet he wouldn’t be entertaining her if she wasn’t. Friends my arse…..

Omgggg I've seen too many of these "work friendships". I'm all for male/female friendships but as others said: not letting you come over with your husband to her house, and their weekly drinks dates are not normal.
The sounds very keen on hour husband OP. Might even be a bunny boiler type 🐰

I would not go to war with another woman if my DH decided to behave this way - he would be very welcome to pursue a relationship with her but that would have to be done as a single man. I would have a very honest conversation with him and tell him that this has crossed over into affair territory which you won't tolerate - so either he calls a halt to it now or you will initiate divorce proceedings and start the conversation about how to split assets etc. You're not there to be made a fool of.

I third this!
Absolutely not OK.

I'll be honest I don't think he is cheating on you - yet, but she is deffo chasing him and if he lets it carry on hes in danger of getting into a situation I don't think he wants to be in! I hate women like this (it seems to be a female trait) that try to weedle their way in pretending to be all innocent and friendly so if you say anything about it you'll end up looking all jealous and horrible! I would get inbetween them now if you can if she calls make it obvious you are there in the background be annoyingly nice and shout hello! invite yourself along to any nights out etc just make it clear to her hes with you end of story. I've had this before and its so crap I really feel for you x

She has taken this way beyond the work friendship line. Spell it out in clear terms to your husband that this friendship has crossed the line and he needs to start backing off. Good Luck

Ah, my ex husband had a similar work 'friend'.
After a few months he had to stay in hotels twice a week, due to the long commute (70 miles).
Then I had a glance at his phone. The last message he had sent was to her. It said: 'When am I going to feel your soft lips around my cock'?
Apparently it was just titillation, because our sex life had dwindled after our second child was born. Poor deprived man.

After I left and bought a new house, he spent many evenings outside my house in his car, crying dramatically.
I didn't care by that point.

I’d say it depends on context. Does he have other mates he sees regularly? Or is it only her? How does her seem towards her? Matey or a bit flirty? How does she seem towards him? Does he have other mates who’re women? Do they always go out alone or sometimes with other friends?

It’s important not to be sexist. If he made a good male friend at work and they went for a drink after work once a week, would it be a big deal? Men and women can really hit it off as good mates without it being anything romantic. I have a number of friends who are men who I’ve met at work. Some I’ve been friends with (along with partners) for over 20 years. Same with my DPs over the years.

From what you’ve said, there are some red flags for me. She seems a bit OTT, like calling him when she’s at a loose end. IMHO out of respect to you, she shouldn’t start treating him as a bestie or encroaching too much on his time. A male friend doing that would feel the same. You have to give couples a bit of space. And she should be sensitive to the fact a woman will find it odd/suspicious if a straight woman is getting pally v quickly (months) with their man. To show respect and reassure you their relationship is purely platonic and she’s to be trusted, she should avoid contacting/seeing him too much.

Sorry, this really made me laugh, but a spot on observation!

Great idea!

My ex had a colleague like this. Long story short, had an affair and left me a single mother. Got two kids with her now.
you are not being unreasonable. It’s too much!

Female friends ok.
The very occasional drink or coffee fine. Not weekly.
Chatting to another woman often isn't right when he's married.

And it's a massive red flag she couldn't "clean" for you. You were right to call that out.

I feel he needs to scale things back with her.

Hell no show him this thread and don’t let him play innocent. He must realise how much attention she’s giving him and he should only want attention from you. He shouldn’t want to go for drinks with her he should want to be spending that time with you, other family or male friends. Fine to have a female friend if they are genuine and want to be friends with you both. When your’ve been with both of them does she try and exclude you from conversations? What’s it been like?

I hate how some people on MN say men and women can’t be friends but YANBU.

One of my best friends is a man and lives a few hours away from me . We don’t speak every day or every week or anything like that which is the same for most of my friends tbh but we are close.

He’s visiting my place for the first time (he was abroad for years before ) next month with his family.

I will have to up my cleaning game and childproof my house as best as I can 😆 but I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking him not to bring his lovely wife and kids!

However messy my house was I’d be too embarrassed to invite a male friend to mine and insinuate or say his wife isn’t welcome because it looks suss!! And it’s not very nice as well to their wife.

I don’t think I need to be friends with every male friends wife, and I’m not although I’m friendly and they are friendly with me, but I wouldn’t actively exclude them.

All my male friends have nice wives so I’m not against being friends with them btw but I just mean neither of us have felt the obligation to make it happen!

How are things going, @Charlie351? Has he shut this down yet?

Seriously, I am hoping it's not even too late and possibly something already may have happened. Especially if there is always alcohol around there's normally flirting around groping, we all know about or have experienced similar situations now or prior in life. It's the fact he is entertaining her and even going to building anything at her house or not even question himself or shut it down from her wanting him to stay at her house.

I would be so angry and possibly lose my mind as I've been in the same situation and it brought constant arguing between me and my partner, until he realised he could lose men tend to get emotionally entangled next minute they start confiding in them and talking all crap lord knows what. Then having secret meet ups, lying where they are or who with then say oh if I said anything I knew you would get angry.

She will start causing issues and deflecting her insecurities on you and her shit relationship trying to replace you and get what you have. Have you even met her partner? Or is it something she said, coz it sounds like BS to me, if she does have one then she's not satisfied with them and wants your man.

Please be careful and tell him to stop, he shouldn't even find himself in that situation anyway or going out with 1 person femal at that from work! Where are the rest of the colleagues, and if he is not putting you on a pedal stool and showing you respect to her she won't have any for you. Something tells me she's done this before at her previous work. Now I'm not saying play detective but yes play detective and be at peace, you definitely don't want to be sitting there everything his phone goes off or he goes to work or out wondering if they are together.

Wow so many red flags. I’d show him the responses to your post. Would he like it if it was the other way around, boundaries!! Xx

@Charlie351
Do u have an update?