Am I unreasonable? Female friend at work

[Charlie351]

Me and DH together for nearly 7 years. DH has a female friend at work, they’ve only be friendly last 6 months or so. All of a sudden he’s meeting her to go for a drink every week. We have been introduced and done a couple of things all three of us. She has a partner (new thing, only few weeks).

This week she asked him to help build some furniture as she lives round the corner. He said yep no worries we would both go round and take drinks. She said oh, if she comes (me) I’ll need to clean the house and I don’t have time. Long story short DH didn’t end up going as I was uncomfortable him spending his sat night alone with her in her house and she didn’t “have time to clean”

Fast forward a few days - she’s texting to say she’s broken down and regularly general life updates. I go visit family and come home to DH on the phone to her “cos she was bored while driving”

Overall I just think this is a bit much. They’re seeing each other once a week ish, texting occasionally and now she’s phoning him while driving.

Am I being unreasonable about this? Is this too much? I don’t know how to move forward from this but it’s infuriating me every time I hear her name.

So she has a boyfriend but is calling your husband for help and texting and ringing him when she's bored, isn't that what she should be doing with her boyfriend?? Honestly I'd nip this in the bud now.

I've been there. You want to the 'cool wife' you don't want to come across like you don't trust your husband & you trust him with your life. & if they want to do it once caught up in the excitement there's not much that can stop them.

I didn’t know partners could be established in just a few weeks. If she’s already got one who isn’t made up he should be the one she’s ringing when bored and helping to build her fucking furniture!

This is weird and I would not be happy. I work in an office with men and women, one of the guys I would consider a work friend. We message occasionally along the lines of "are you in this week" or "oh here's that hotel I was telling you about earlier," we sometimes walk at lunch as it's an open "anyone walking today" thing so sometimes it's 2/3/4 of us. I would never ring him nor meet up just the two of us, that's where the boundary is crossed in my option

I work in a male dominated environment and will happily call them up for a chat during their working hours. Never afterwards unless it was a work emergency (rare) I may send the occasional meme after hours but not late in the group chat 😂
yes we talk about family and partners and kids etc and know what’s going on in each others lives.

why is he building furniture for someone else when there are probably jobs stacking up in his own home? I might ask to
borrow tools and exchange them
at the office.

tell
him to tell her it’s not appropriate or you will call HR for him

This rings so many alarm bells, having been in a very similar situation with my ex husband who is now married to his ex secretary. Started off with just general chit chat, then her calling whilst going through the break up from her husband, to her saying how she'd love to meet someone like my ex, to them getting together (apparently once we'd split up, but she'd definitely got her claws in emotionally) to marriage!!

Why is his co worker not allowed a friendship with a guy she works with.
You have met her, you could tag along to the drinks?
He has told you tgey talk and meet up.
Christ the anti male, female friendship convo.
Is she attractive..god help her.
Pathetic.

Are you serious?
Did you read the part about her only wanting him to go to her house but refused to let op come over too ?
Would you honestly be ok with that if this was your partner?

YANBU this is massively crossing boundaries.

I had two colleagues who were exactly like this (he was married, she was in a long term relationship) and they always said they were just friends until his wife got suspicious, followed him one day to the colleague’s house and caught them at it.

I do think this is fishy, however your DH cancelled plans to see her when she said you couldn't go round for drinks too. To me that suggests his loyalties still lie with you, as he is telling you what's going on with her.

If I were you I'd point all this out to him. If he's anything like my OH he might not have realised she's crushing on him. Sometimes men really aren't that clued up and take things at face value. I wouldn't be best pleased about the weekly drinks, as other PP have said, does he do this with you?

You need to tell him under no uncertain terms what your concerns are, and how he would feel if roles were reversed. Hopefully he will see her behaviour is not OK or that of a "friend" and tell her where to shove it. Otherwise you may have to tell him where to go!

I bet she’s attractive? Funny it’s never the ugly ones is it! Sounds like your husband is lapping it up. Out of order.

Urgh. Help building furniture, what a cliche. An ex friend of mine was always asking her male neighbour to come round to do jobs for her. Stupid things, like hanging a picture, ffs, like a woman can't hammer a nail into a wall! 🙄Yes, she was shagging him, and the "jobs" were a cover story. And she was close friends with the wife as well, like super close! I'm not her friend anymore, because she also shagged my husband! I left my husband and ditched the "friend".

Have a much better DH now, and I would not be happy with this at all Op. Would your DH be okay with you going for drinks with another man?

I’ve been in a similar position with an ex though he was friends with the friend (who he worked with) before we were together. It made me (and her husband) very uncomfortable and it used to really annoy me! I don’t think anything ever happened however I think he would have done had he had the chance…

only you know what you are comfortable with and I think you need to be clear with him this is not ok!

What about giving his head a wobble?

Sorry 😬😂

Thing is, they’re not just being mates and doing matey things. She’s doing couple-y things, building furniture, ringing for a ‘hey you, I’m bored chat’.

That’s where the line is crossed. Personally if it was me I’d try and answer his phone when she calls and put her in her place in a passive aggressive way ‘Oh Hi Jane, no Mark can’t chat now, we’re kinda in the middle of something. He’ll catch up with you in work. How’s it going with your new man? You wanna hang on to him, then he can build your furniture on Saturday nights and not my husband, ha ha! Cheerio Jane.

OP, I wouldn't be happy with this.

Nip it in the bud now or she will have him running around doing all sorts of little jobs for her. Plus she prefers to have him to herself and as is evidenced by the Saturday night example. He might think they are just friends but she wants more, it couldn't be more blatant!

YANBU

I have a male colleague who i work closely and get on great with. We share a hobby in common and bore each other talking about it. Quite similar outlooks and vibe in life in general. I would never dream of messaging him outside office hours. He has a family. Its his personal and private time. On the v rare occasion we have exchanged messages outside office its been work related. I’d absolutely be putting my foot down over this. Your DH is enjoying the ego boost.

Ok OP, you've got the weekend coming up. Time to tackle this. How about you both go out for a quiet drink somewhere lovely, or have a nice meal indoors if you have to be in. Once he's chilled and happy, tell him how much you love and value him, and appreciate the life you've built together.

Tell him you are deeply concerned for his welfare, in that you can see a sad but unfortunately likely possibility of him losing everything that he and you have put so much effort in to create. That should get him listening.

Keep calm through the whole of this conversation.

Explain that we live in a time where if something goes 'wrong' with a female colleague, he can lose his living, reputation, ability to provide, literally overnight. Workplace gossip has and does ruin careers. His references will be shot to shit for any future ambitions.

Say you totally get how nice it is to receive attention - I mean, who wouldn't (being such a handsome dude and all, yes lay it on a bit thick, remember you are currently at war here after all!)

But for you - having now had calm time to think about it - the line was irretrievably crossed by rescinding the Saturday night invitation to you. Tell him you were SO happy he decided for himself he didn't want to go, as you didn't want to fall out over it. That he's one of the good ones and you adore him for it.

Finally, just say the level of going out, phone calls etc has sadly - for your personal level of comfort and secure happiness in the relationship - gone beyond the line. The thought of him losing absolutely everything you've built together makes you sad, and of course extremely costly for you both.

Say you'll leave it for him to mull over in his own mind, but you needed him to be aware of what he is on the brink of losing at every level.

Don't make it a conversation about her, people listen more closely when you are talking about their own interests.

Then change the subject to something more cheery and drag him home to bed 😀 (I did say this was war, you gotta stand your ground 😉)

Damn you're good. Woe betide anyone taking you on 😀

Sounds like she's using him as a substitute boyfriend - emotionally and practically but unlikely to be sexually.

Is this someone who's never single? I know you said she's seeing someone but as that's early days maybe he isn't taking on the usual boyfriend responsibilities yet.

I'd imagine she's the kind who will drop him immediately once she has a real boyfriend (although probs try and restart this if the relationship ends...) but in the meantime your husband should be less available to her.

A bit cheeky of her i would watch her & him.
Ultimately, the choices lie with your DH.

This will end badly.

I'm not saying male/female friendships are impossible, but in this case she's clearly crossing a line. "Doesn't have time to clean" oh I'm sure.
Your DH needs to get a backbone and set some boundaries

Camel in the tent. You’ll soon be finding yourself sleeping outdoors while she’s warm and cosy inside snuggled up with your husband.

Gosh usually these are BU. But YADNBU!!!!