DP - Sex Workers - Ducks in a Row Quack! Quack! Help and advice please

[ZestyMaximus]

Well, I didn't think I'd ever be writing this post, yet here I go.

Firstly, I have no issues with sex workers or how they earn their money. No judgement from me and any advice, help or suggestions from anyone in the industry, or anyone who has experienced similar to me, would be very welcome.

My relationship with my DP has been up and down over the 10 years we've been together, but nothing massive or unusual. Pretty much just the usual challenges that most couples might experience at one time or another.

We just very recently moved our lives 200 miles from across the country for a better quality of life. Neither of us know anyone in the area and both of our jobs we took with us working remotely.

I was using DPs iPad yesterday (we have each other's passcodes and permission to use each other's phones and iPads), looking for a contact in his SMS messages, which pull through from his phone. I found the following message before I found the one I was looking for:

"My address is ***. Once you have arrived please call me and I can tell you my apartment number. There is visitors parking you can park in. See you on Sunday at 10am. I'm looking forward to seeing you xx"

Followed by my DP reply of: "Great, thanks (his name) x"

Thanks to Mumsnet and some of the posts I've seen here previously I know enough to be suspicious that this is the same sort of way of working sex workers use and would message. Then when I google the number I get shown several different sex working sites / reviews for the same profile, based just a handful of miles away from our new home. I'm guessing he used Adultwork based on the search results, but don't know for sure. There's also UKPunting which I've heard of but that seems to be just reviews?

I've since looked at his call log and can see that he called her (FaceTime! - his iPad only shows FaceTime calls, not actual phone calls) for 4 minutes just a few minutes before her message with address came through, two days before the booked appointment was due to happen. I'm assuming the call was so she could authenticate him as genuine and they could discuss what he wanted from their booking. I feel sick just thinking about that. Then he called me, I assume asking if I wanted anything from the shops, as he sent a photo to me in Whatsapp of an empty shelf of a product I often ask him to pick up for me moments later. How thoughtful. Straight after booking his appointment.

So, he's clearly searched for and found sex workers. Called one, arranged an appointment and discussed what he wanted.

I know what I need to do. I just need some more information to better decide how to do it. For my own sanity and peace of mind. I know some people would say I already know enough to leave. They're right. But I also want to know how I'm going to leave and who it is that I'm leaving. I've always been the sort of person who benefits from having the full picture so that nothing can be refuted, I can't be gaslit, or brush it aside and I know exactly how much shit I'm needing to wipe off my shoe. So, I guess, I need to know where he is on the scale of arranging an appointment with one person once but not going through with it to this being the tip of the iceberg and he's been doing this numerous times and gone through with the bookings throughout our relationship. I want to know if the meeting went ahead. I want to know if there have been others.

So, questions, help and advice please wonderful fellow Mumsneters.

I assume there's no way to view his Adultwork profile unless he makes a booking directly with you? Or if I have his login, which I don't. It's not set up on his iPad or in the history and getting uninterrupted access to his phone, which is where I'm sure he's searched and booked from, is a lot harder and riskier as he'll only be a room or two away and probably very briefly. Wanting to see if he's given or received feedback, or to see his bookings page, if that's something that's saved on there, to see if the booking(s) ? Then I'd know for sure if he'd gone ahead or not and how many times.

Also, I guess if I get access to his phone I can check his call log there to see if he did indeed call her the morning of the appointment. Not concrete proof as he could always be calling to cancel I guess. But, if it was directly around 10am that would be pretty decent indication that he's just parked up and needs buzzing up.

Bank statements - We have completely separate accounts for everything. Again these would show either a purchase for credits on the site, or cash withdrawal that would confirm him paying cash upon arrival at the appointment. No idea how to get sight of these though as he doesn't receive paper copies and his banking apps both, obviously, have security on them that I can't access. Any ideas how to plausibly ask to see bank and credit card statements from February this year?

Oh, I've looked back through my own photos, bank statement, call logs and here's what I do know about the day of the appointment. He went to the gym as usual. Probably 8-9am ish. His appointment just a few miles away from both home and gym was arranged for 10am. He called me at 11:03am and we spoke for 38 seconds. Probably an 'on my way home now, sorry it's a little later than I expected' kind of call. I then took him out to a local ice cream drive in place I'd found and we ate way too much of it in my car, then that evening we enjoyed pizza together in front of the television. What a normal kind of Sunday with my loving DP huh? FFS!

The timing of the 11:03am call screams 'just finished my hour long sex appointment'.

Sorry, this has become a way too long post! I just wanted to get it all written down and to avoid drip feeding as much as possible.

Any advice, suggestions, or help I would be so grateful to receive. I'm swinging between numbness, anger, sadness, denial. I want to keep my powder dry and get my ducks fully in a row before playing my hand. So far I've managed to be chipper and upbeat, and loving so no suspicions from him that there's anything wrong I don't think.

You need to talk to him.

Also, don't feel you need to be all liberal about prostitution. It ain't 'work' and, often, women find themselves coerced into prostitution. Even when women do venture into that industry as their own boss, nine times out of ten they don't want to be there as it's rarely going to be a beautiful Adonis who is turning up for a quick sperm-dump.

You may never find out the full truth - and how would you ever know if he is still hiding things? You can decide that him booking an appt with a sex worker is enough of a deal breaker for you to split. Also - any shit is firmly on his shoes and not for you to be dealing with. Did you take photos of the stuff you did find? Any dc? If not, clean break and just walk away. He wasntthinking about your decade long relationship when he was searching up and booking sex workers, so why should you? Honestly, you'll never fully trust him again, so why hang around

Don't talk to him yet. In fact not for ages.

It's no good trying to get the truth out of him as he will deny deny deny.

It depends if you have decided you are done. If you are, crack on and divorce him. If you want more proof, all you can do is watch and wait but that means you might have to have sex with him and WTF would you put your health at risk.

Leave now or snoop further I guess is your only options. If you are 100% certain he paid for sex that day, what else do you want to know?

See a solicitor or several until you find one that is a fit for you in the meantime so you have knowledge and can see a way forward.

I'd text her saying a friend recommended her to you and that you are interested in booking, and ask what she charges for what services.

From what I know about adultwork.......

He may be registered on there & have a usernane/log in details or he may not. That wont preclude him from contacting anyone on there by phone. If he contacted anyone by email, or had an email exchange he'd need to be registered.

Most women on there will only take cash. Some will take payment by card but not many. Probably less than 5%.

The fact his "appointment" was at 10am & he said he was at the gym before that, and then called you at 11am, would greatly suggest he went through with it.

Sorry you are going through this.

Edit.

As for costs. Usually an hour is anything from £120 to £180. Some charge £200+ but average is £150.

I would firstly get an STD test.

Secondly from what I know about men who visit sex workers, they tend to have a habit and this won't be his first.

You're in an open relationship and need to decide if that's how you want to continue. Cheaters lie and lie OP, I doubt you'll get much of the truth out of him.

There's a website you might find useful called Surviving Infidelity which will give you advice on how to find out more.

This is an awful discovery for you OP at a time when you have just uprooted your life to somewhere where you don't have friends to support you in real life.

I'm a big believer in the MN adage that he will have done this before, this is just the first time he got caught. For him to be in a new area and yet be confident in arranging this meeting smacks of being an old hand. And the practised way he covered his tracks, calling you straight after so you wouldn't be suspicious about him having unaccounted time shows how deceitful he is.

Using sex workers indicates how he views women: as bodies for his personal use. For men who use escorts/ prostitutes it's part of their way of life, not just one offs.

I wouldn't want to stay in this relationship and I would be leaving it as soon as was practically possible.

To me you literally have all the evidence anyone would need. The messages, him telling you he was at the gym and then the phonecall just after 11am. If he could do this to you and then spend the day with you playing happy couples I hate to think how much other things he has been up to but to which you have no evidence for as he isn't changing his behaviour in any way (so scary!!)

Also to risk your sexual health without your consent is abuse. Remember this when you need to keep your anger!

Get everything together to leave him before you confront him about it. Sorry your life has been turned upsdie down x

I used to be an escort because I was seriously fucked up by childhood abuse. I think it should be illegal. That’s how damaging it is.

your DP has paid to abuse another woman. I don’t care if they think they did it willingly, they didn’t.

as PPs have said you have all the proof you need and I actually feel sick reading this, given how he was with you straight away afterwards. So god knows how you must be feeling.

say nothing, you’re not married so if it’s just property you need to sort out I would see a solicitor and gather as much info as you can re: finances on the sly.

get tested. He would have done this before.

Don’t waste any more of your life trying to investigate appointments, reviews, messages etc. You know he’s booked to see a sex worker; you know your relationship has been “up and down” for a decade - no, most relationships are not constantly up and down with frequent challenges. This isn’t a happy, functioning relationship. You have all the evidence and motivation you need to end it already. You have separate finances and you aren’t married - which is excellent news. You’re much better placed to make a clean break and do it quickly. There’s no benefit at all to a murky dig into his goings on.

”Gaslighting” requires you to believe his lies. He can’t gaslight you when you know what you’ve seen and know you weren’t hallucinating.

Oh, it absolutely is a deal breaker, regardless of whether it definitely went ahead or not and how many times. I have a tendency to minimalise and always find that having cold hard facts eg definitely went ahead, how often etc will help me to process and move on. I know myself well enough after 46 years to know that I heal quicker and more fully after a deep dive of full facts (which helps me find my anger) over than a drip feed of questions unanswered (which just leads to second guessing and doubting myself / decision). Hence my continued digging.

Yes, I took photos of the FaceTime log, and the SMS messages between them so I have those at least. No children. Purely 'hanging around' to sort my finances, mortgage, house, getting my head straight.

Absolutely. And anything else that is out there to be found would suddenly disappear too. I will be keeping my powder dry for the time being while I sort myself out. I'm a pretty pragmatic sort of person so this should be reasonably fine for me to do.

I'm aiming to see his call log on his phone to see if he called her as instructed at the appointment time. That will almost certainly confirm that it went ahead. Also, if I'm able to think of how to get access, I'll check his bank / credit card statements to see if there's anything there. That will pretty much tell me everything I need to know for my own sanity.

For entirely unrelated reasons we already aim to redo the mortgage in January into my sole name and there's no money I would owe him for 'buying him out'. All pretty straight forward, so long as he doesn't suspect that I know what he's been up to.

Thank you for your suggestion :) I already know what she charges from her AW profile.

Just a thought... are his banking apps on his ipad as well or instead of his phone? You said access to the ipad was a but easier than his phone, and the passwords might be in his password wallet on the ipad..

Thank you for the insight. Really appreciate that.

Ah okay. I assumed you had to have an account to make contact. But, thinking about it, I can see her phone number on her profile without making a profile myself. So I guess he could definitely have called her without sending a booking request on the website first.

Knowing that he'll have gone for either 30mins or 1hour based on appointment time and time he called me, I can see from her profile what either of those times would cost so know what sort of amount to look out for on his statements. If I ever think of a way to see them that is.

😞Ah, you're right. Hadn't thought of that. Her profile (the one I found at least) is very clear about condoms being used for all services, including oral, but still. Not all STDs are stopped by condoms, and they're not 100% anyway. And... this might not be the only one. Urgh. Great.

Thank you for the Surviving Infidelity website. I shall take a look.

I've been in your exact same position before. So handhold here, I know exactly how you are feeling, that sinking feeling in your stomach, your whole world crashing down around you. The need to know as much as possible before you you confront him, as he will lie.

First it will be it was just for thrills, didn't intend to visit, then it will be I drove there put couldn't go through with it blah blah blah.

Do you have access to his phone? Is it an iPhone? If so, when he is asleep. Go into his messages, tap edit in the top right corner, then see recently deleted messages. These will be from the last 30 days.

Do you have the postcode of the address? Look in his Google Maps or Waze to see if he has typed this in.

If he uses Google as his browser, and is logged in (there is his initial in the top right corner in an orange circle), then there is a way to find out his search history even if he has deleted his history. Click on the initial. Click manage account. Then click Manage your data and privacy. Then click Web and App activity. Then click Manage all Web and App activity. This will show you all his searches on Google, even those he has deleted. You can even search key words like adult work or escort and it will list all the searches going back years.

This only helps if you have access to his phone and the pass code. Make sure you take photos of everything. He will lie, minimise and gaslight you.

You're right. Aside from waving at and making pleasant small talk with the new neighbours, I know no one in this area. I do feel rather alone in this.

Go to the gym, browse escorts, FaceTime with one and get one booked, drive to the supermarket directly after and call me to see if I need anything. Sounds like it's part of familiar life to him to do so casually in-between normal life. At the very least something he's been looking into for a while rather than a brand new spur of the moment thought and decision.

Calling me straight after booking the appointment and then two days later straight after the actual appointment time. Ewww 🙁

Steps to leave, (well, for him to leave. Not that he knows it just yet) are underway. But it's going to take a bit of time to arrange the best outcome for me. That's fine. I'm made of strong stuff once I've made my mind up on something.

Yes, I think they both are (Halifax and Monzo) I don't know his logins and passwords but great shout about the password wallet. Thank you 🙂

Yes you are right OP : do what is best for you. And if that takes time, so be it.

You sound a strong and resolute woman.

Best wishes going forward.

I'm so sorry that you've had the same thing happen to you 🙁Thank you for taking the time to write that all out. I really appreciate it.

Unfortunately he's an exceptionally light sleeper so I'll need to find another way of having time alone with his phone. That's not going to be easy and may take a while to find a good time to do this. But I will try and will work though all of your suggestions. Thank you 😊

I will be taking photos of everything that I find for sure. Only a bit concerned that he'll stumble upon the photos if he uses my phone for anything though. Anyone know how to create a separate (preferably lockable) photo folder on an iPhone?

I would not have sex with him again. I'd get a STI test. I'd seek out a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. I wouldn't say a word to him about what I found. He'd know what he's done. You need to find your wedding certificate, get house valued if you bought it, get copies of pension statements and get a photocopy of his too if you can. You have your evidence. Don't let him get away with cheating on you.

They’re not married, so more straightforward.

not sure how you will keep up the pretence till January tho OP, when the mortgage changes…

Take his phone accidently when you go shopping or to the gym to give you time to go through it?

Hi OP, I’m NC for this post. I had the same revelation this weekend. Was toying with posting as feel lost and can’t confide in friends and family but decided I wasn’t feeling strong enough for opinions. Like you I feel in utter shock and turmoil. Can’t eat/sleep but am trying to function normally and put on a professional face for work.

My situation is 32 years married (37 together). Always been v happy relationship with normal ups and downs. Around 6/7 years ago my sex drive fell off a cliff. Tried to sort but prob not hard enough and I just accepted it. Several times my husband tried to broach it and he’s incredibly loving and affectionate and I just rebuffed. Awful really. I found out when I saw he put a block on his phone and he confessed he’d visited sex workers. He said he couldn’t live without sex but didn’t want an affair because he still loves me. He wants us to try and make it work but understands if I don’t. It so sad. I’m not sure if we can.

Anyway I just wanted to say I understand what you are going through. Not sure what to advise but wishing you all the best with whatever you decide.