DP - Sex Workers - Ducks in a Row Quack! Quack! Help and advice please

[ZestyMaximus]

Well, I didn't think I'd ever be writing this post, yet here I go.

Firstly, I have no issues with sex workers or how they earn their money. No judgement from me and any advice, help or suggestions from anyone in the industry, or anyone who has experienced similar to me, would be very welcome.

My relationship with my DP has been up and down over the 10 years we've been together, but nothing massive or unusual. Pretty much just the usual challenges that most couples might experience at one time or another.

We just very recently moved our lives 200 miles from across the country for a better quality of life. Neither of us know anyone in the area and both of our jobs we took with us working remotely.

I was using DPs iPad yesterday (we have each other's passcodes and permission to use each other's phones and iPads), looking for a contact in his SMS messages, which pull through from his phone. I found the following message before I found the one I was looking for:

"My address is ***. Once you have arrived please call me and I can tell you my apartment number. There is visitors parking you can park in. See you on Sunday at 10am. I'm looking forward to seeing you xx"

Followed by my DP reply of: "Great, thanks (his name) x"

Thanks to Mumsnet and some of the posts I've seen here previously I know enough to be suspicious that this is the same sort of way of working sex workers use and would message. Then when I google the number I get shown several different sex working sites / reviews for the same profile, based just a handful of miles away from our new home. I'm guessing he used Adultwork based on the search results, but don't know for sure. There's also UKPunting which I've heard of but that seems to be just reviews?

I've since looked at his call log and can see that he called her (FaceTime! - his iPad only shows FaceTime calls, not actual phone calls) for 4 minutes just a few minutes before her message with address came through, two days before the booked appointment was due to happen. I'm assuming the call was so she could authenticate him as genuine and they could discuss what he wanted from their booking. I feel sick just thinking about that. Then he called me, I assume asking if I wanted anything from the shops, as he sent a photo to me in Whatsapp of an empty shelf of a product I often ask him to pick up for me moments later. How thoughtful. Straight after booking his appointment.

So, he's clearly searched for and found sex workers. Called one, arranged an appointment and discussed what he wanted.

I know what I need to do. I just need some more information to better decide how to do it. For my own sanity and peace of mind. I know some people would say I already know enough to leave. They're right. But I also want to know how I'm going to leave and who it is that I'm leaving. I've always been the sort of person who benefits from having the full picture so that nothing can be refuted, I can't be gaslit, or brush it aside and I know exactly how much shit I'm needing to wipe off my shoe. So, I guess, I need to know where he is on the scale of arranging an appointment with one person once but not going through with it to this being the tip of the iceberg and he's been doing this numerous times and gone through with the bookings throughout our relationship. I want to know if the meeting went ahead. I want to know if there have been others.

So, questions, help and advice please wonderful fellow Mumsneters.

I assume there's no way to view his Adultwork profile unless he makes a booking directly with you? Or if I have his login, which I don't. It's not set up on his iPad or in the history and getting uninterrupted access to his phone, which is where I'm sure he's searched and booked from, is a lot harder and riskier as he'll only be a room or two away and probably very briefly. Wanting to see if he's given or received feedback, or to see his bookings page, if that's something that's saved on there, to see if the booking(s) ? Then I'd know for sure if he'd gone ahead or not and how many times.

Also, I guess if I get access to his phone I can check his call log there to see if he did indeed call her the morning of the appointment. Not concrete proof as he could always be calling to cancel I guess. But, if it was directly around 10am that would be pretty decent indication that he's just parked up and needs buzzing up.

Bank statements - We have completely separate accounts for everything. Again these would show either a purchase for credits on the site, or cash withdrawal that would confirm him paying cash upon arrival at the appointment. No idea how to get sight of these though as he doesn't receive paper copies and his banking apps both, obviously, have security on them that I can't access. Any ideas how to plausibly ask to see bank and credit card statements from February this year?

Oh, I've looked back through my own photos, bank statement, call logs and here's what I do know about the day of the appointment. He went to the gym as usual. Probably 8-9am ish. His appointment just a few miles away from both home and gym was arranged for 10am. He called me at 11:03am and we spoke for 38 seconds. Probably an 'on my way home now, sorry it's a little later than I expected' kind of call. I then took him out to a local ice cream drive in place I'd found and we ate way too much of it in my car, then that evening we enjoyed pizza together in front of the television. What a normal kind of Sunday with my loving DP huh? FFS!

The timing of the 11:03am call screams 'just finished my hour long sex appointment'.

Sorry, this has become a way too long post! I just wanted to get it all written down and to avoid drip feeding as much as possible.

Any advice, suggestions, or help I would be so grateful to receive. I'm swinging between numbness, anger, sadness, denial. I want to keep my powder dry and get my ducks fully in a row before playing my hand. So far I've managed to be chipper and upbeat, and loving so no suspicions from him that there's anything wrong I don't think.

From another woman whose relationship ended with the same revelation (after 25 years together and 14 married), I’m so sorry, OP.

I don’t have much practical advice as my ex had WhatsApps on his phone (he’d become ‘friends’ with a couple of the women) and he fessed up completely - in fact, it was too much information for me. So I didn’t go looking for proof. I’m here for the handhold x

There is an album on iPhone for photos called “hidden”. It’s just above the deleted folder.

So sorry this has happened, even though you sound magnificently strong, OP.
If you absolutely have to hang on in there until January, please prioritise your own health and happiness in any ways you can think of as you don't need to be undermined by the knowledge you have already and if the shenanigans are ongoing.

Book lovely things for yourself, see a counsellor if that would help and develop local friendships if you plan to stay in the area you moved to. I'd consider getting a dog. Superb for unconditional love and loyalty and meeting new people fast. Just ideas. I really wish you all the best. Some great posts on this thread.

He probs wont have an adultwork account unless you think he's been leaving reviews. Does he enjoy writing reviews for other stuff like tripadvisor etc. Does he enjoy internet forums? But tbh he'd not be identifiable by name so seems pointless pursuing this too much.
As others said, he's bang to rights with those messages/calls. He quite possibly has a second phone if he's doing this regularly however as he's been so blase about it using his own phone Id guess this was more of a 1 off. Really strange he didnt cover his tracks given the SMS/shared ipad use etc.

Men ‘reviewing’ women they’ve paid to abuse makes me feel ill.
I could never be with a man who had paid for sex. The entitlement is astonishing.

I am really sorry this has happened to you.

I am an escort that works from AW. You sound like you want specific answers to practical questions, and you have said that you don't mind responses from people in my industry, so I will do my best to answer these for you.

Viewing his AW profile - the escort would only be able to view his profile if he had sent her an internal AW message, or made a booking through the AW system. Similarly you would only be able to see evidence of this activity if you had his AW login details. Be aware though that most bookings and contacts are made outside the AW system - ie the gent just phones the lady and arranges the meet, without any trail being left, even on his AW profile. Some people leave feedback but not all, so if he's careful you wouldn't find anything at all even if you accessed his profile.

Most escorts still only accept cash and payment by bank transfer is rare. You are unlikely to see a bank transfer to a sex worker on his statement.

If there's any other general questions I can help with, with regard to AW please let me know. I can't offer anything other than general info though, and I can't in any way attempt to identify or track an individual client. But if I can help you with the practicalities of AW I'm happy to do so.

@ZestyMaximus I'm not sure you can lock a folder but what I would do once you've taken the photos is email them to yourself then delete off the phone. That way you still have them but they are up there in the ether somewhere!

You can lock a folder on iPhones. You can set it so you need a pin or thumbprint to access them.

There is a "calculator" app on the Apple App Store - it looks like a calculator and is called "calculator" but when you enter your PIN code, you can access secret photos, browser, etc. Perhaps more inconspicuous than a hidden/locked album on the Photos app.

Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you're experiencing something similar. That sounds heart breaking. And after nearly 40 years together as well 🙁I hope you're not blaming yourself. It is not your fault.

In the kindest possible way, him not wanting to have an affair because he loves you, is still him putting what he wants (sex) and does not want (the hassle and complications of an affair) over caring about you and deciding to do (or not do) anything that would hurt you / put your health at risk. It sounds caring. But it's still him deciding the best way to get what he wants, in the manner that he wants, with the level of effort he wants to make, and level of risk he's happy to take. He didn't want to have an affair. He also would have known that you wouldn't want him to use sex workers. But what you wanted wasn't actually part of the decision making.

He tells you that he couldn't live without sex. Fair enough, it's a basic human instinct / desire / whatever you want to call it. It's very important to a lot of people. But he has made decisions and actions that show he is prepared to risk living his life without you. Again, he worded it very caringly, but he's told you he prioritises having sex in his life over having you in his life. I'm so sorry you're in this position and now having to pick which life, neither of which you signed up for when you both made the same wedding vows to one another, you're going to choose.

Sorry, I know you didn't ask my opinion. I hope you're able to make the best decision for you, whatever that might be. The only person who has to live your life is you. Do what you want to do. Someone further up the thread recommended www.survivinginfidelity.com which I've looked at and there's a really balanced forum there that you might find helpful too.

Please try to eat. I know it's what everyone says and it's the last thing you really want to do right now but I promise that it does help. It forces blood from your busy busy brain to the stomach to process and does help calm the frantic feelings and stomach churning.

I have photo's hidden on my iphone. I copied & pasted them into a note, deleted them from my photo roll & then put a password / finger print / face ID onto the note.

Thank you RedFox. I really appreciate you taking the time to message here.

I think he probably did just call her rather than use the booking form as others have said it's an option and her number is on her profile (hence I was able to find her just by Googling her number). I also doubt he'd have left feedback. It's not something he tends to do for anything else so unlikely to do it on AW either.

I guess if he called directly that will also mean there's no booking 'confirmed' status to look for to show it actually went ahead, even if he did have an account and I got access to it. I think I'll leave that avenue now as it would be a lot of hard work, and probably trigger a 'you've logged in from a different device' email of sorts, and he'd then be suspicious at the very least.

Is it normal to do a FaceTime call to arrange a booking rather than a standard phonecall?

He'd have showered at the gym before going to meet her. Would he have likely had a shower at hers after their appointment as well? Or is that not common to be offered?

If I can get access to his bank statements I'll be looking for ATM transactions as it would be exceptionally unusual for him to need to withdraw cash. Plus I have a good idea of the amount he'd need so should be easy to spot, if it's there.

Thank you for the insiders information into AW. I completely understand that you'd only be able to help on a general basis and I really appreciate any help, advice or suggestions given.

I would actually be more sympathetic towards a man in a sexless marriage who sought emotional connection as well as intimacy elsewhere, rather than buying a woman’s body and using it as a sperm receptacle.

the former is more… human.

It's really interesting hearing different people's differing views on this. Others find the emotional side of infidelity harder to reconcile with would say that at least with sex workers there's no emotion attached and is entirely transactional.

So you’d find it better that a man literally just uses a woman’s body for sex?

the emotional side might be more of a personal betrayal. But paying to use a woman as a commodity speaks volumes about character and morals.

That’s how my ex viewed things - his red line was emotional infidelity, so he saw sex workers as fair game (even though we had a healthy sex life). I viewed things differently, needless to say.

I agree with you here. Neither are good but a quick visit to a working girl is so much less emotional attachment than a clandestine affair. Plus maybe he wasnt using her for sex per se, could have been indulging in a fetish.

Really sad. I guess you’re also ok with women being paid to be used? I just don’t get this at all.

it’s not ‘empowering’ and it’s not a ‘choice’. Not a free choice, anyway. 90% of sex workers have been sexually abused as children.

No, I said 'others' not 'I'.

I quoted another poster, not you :)

The woman he chose is advertised (and reviewed by several people) as vanilla and doesn't offer fetishes. If I'd been choosing for him (Jeez, what a thought 😒That has not and is not ever going to happen) I'd have shortlisted her for him too. She's just his type. Would definitely have gone for oral and / or sex. If he went.

Oh! But it's my message that that's quoted in your message though. How weird 😊

I was quoting @Pantherino and it’s their post that shows for me? Odd.

Fair enough. There was a thread in the Ask Me Anything a while ago from an Escort and she explained some men went for a whole manner of things that werent oral/penetrative sex, some even for a chat! Wouldnt make it much better of course, just perhaps explained the need to visit rather than the obvious.

18:03, you quoted the OP.