DP - Sex Workers - Ducks in a Row Quack! Quack! Help and advice please

[ZestyMaximus]

Well, I didn't think I'd ever be writing this post, yet here I go.

Firstly, I have no issues with sex workers or how they earn their money. No judgement from me and any advice, help or suggestions from anyone in the industry, or anyone who has experienced similar to me, would be very welcome.

My relationship with my DP has been up and down over the 10 years we've been together, but nothing massive or unusual. Pretty much just the usual challenges that most couples might experience at one time or another.

We just very recently moved our lives 200 miles from across the country for a better quality of life. Neither of us know anyone in the area and both of our jobs we took with us working remotely.

I was using DPs iPad yesterday (we have each other's passcodes and permission to use each other's phones and iPads), looking for a contact in his SMS messages, which pull through from his phone. I found the following message before I found the one I was looking for:

"My address is ***. Once you have arrived please call me and I can tell you my apartment number. There is visitors parking you can park in. See you on Sunday at 10am. I'm looking forward to seeing you xx"

Followed by my DP reply of: "Great, thanks (his name) x"

Thanks to Mumsnet and some of the posts I've seen here previously I know enough to be suspicious that this is the same sort of way of working sex workers use and would message. Then when I google the number I get shown several different sex working sites / reviews for the same profile, based just a handful of miles away from our new home. I'm guessing he used Adultwork based on the search results, but don't know for sure. There's also UKPunting which I've heard of but that seems to be just reviews?

I've since looked at his call log and can see that he called her (FaceTime! - his iPad only shows FaceTime calls, not actual phone calls) for 4 minutes just a few minutes before her message with address came through, two days before the booked appointment was due to happen. I'm assuming the call was so she could authenticate him as genuine and they could discuss what he wanted from their booking. I feel sick just thinking about that. Then he called me, I assume asking if I wanted anything from the shops, as he sent a photo to me in Whatsapp of an empty shelf of a product I often ask him to pick up for me moments later. How thoughtful. Straight after booking his appointment.

So, he's clearly searched for and found sex workers. Called one, arranged an appointment and discussed what he wanted.

I know what I need to do. I just need some more information to better decide how to do it. For my own sanity and peace of mind. I know some people would say I already know enough to leave. They're right. But I also want to know how I'm going to leave and who it is that I'm leaving. I've always been the sort of person who benefits from having the full picture so that nothing can be refuted, I can't be gaslit, or brush it aside and I know exactly how much shit I'm needing to wipe off my shoe. So, I guess, I need to know where he is on the scale of arranging an appointment with one person once but not going through with it to this being the tip of the iceberg and he's been doing this numerous times and gone through with the bookings throughout our relationship. I want to know if the meeting went ahead. I want to know if there have been others.

So, questions, help and advice please wonderful fellow Mumsneters.

I assume there's no way to view his Adultwork profile unless he makes a booking directly with you? Or if I have his login, which I don't. It's not set up on his iPad or in the history and getting uninterrupted access to his phone, which is where I'm sure he's searched and booked from, is a lot harder and riskier as he'll only be a room or two away and probably very briefly. Wanting to see if he's given or received feedback, or to see his bookings page, if that's something that's saved on there, to see if the booking(s) ? Then I'd know for sure if he'd gone ahead or not and how many times.

Also, I guess if I get access to his phone I can check his call log there to see if he did indeed call her the morning of the appointment. Not concrete proof as he could always be calling to cancel I guess. But, if it was directly around 10am that would be pretty decent indication that he's just parked up and needs buzzing up.

Bank statements - We have completely separate accounts for everything. Again these would show either a purchase for credits on the site, or cash withdrawal that would confirm him paying cash upon arrival at the appointment. No idea how to get sight of these though as he doesn't receive paper copies and his banking apps both, obviously, have security on them that I can't access. Any ideas how to plausibly ask to see bank and credit card statements from February this year?

Oh, I've looked back through my own photos, bank statement, call logs and here's what I do know about the day of the appointment. He went to the gym as usual. Probably 8-9am ish. His appointment just a few miles away from both home and gym was arranged for 10am. He called me at 11:03am and we spoke for 38 seconds. Probably an 'on my way home now, sorry it's a little later than I expected' kind of call. I then took him out to a local ice cream drive in place I'd found and we ate way too much of it in my car, then that evening we enjoyed pizza together in front of the television. What a normal kind of Sunday with my loving DP huh? FFS!

The timing of the 11:03am call screams 'just finished my hour long sex appointment'.

Sorry, this has become a way too long post! I just wanted to get it all written down and to avoid drip feeding as much as possible.

Any advice, suggestions, or help I would be so grateful to receive. I'm swinging between numbness, anger, sadness, denial. I want to keep my powder dry and get my ducks fully in a row before playing my hand. So far I've managed to be chipper and upbeat, and loving so no suspicions from him that there's anything wrong I don't think.

God if you give much more personal info away he's going to get people blackmailing him. I'd never share who my partner banks with on a public forum, and collectively in the thread you've said a lot of things that are outing.

Im not sure if iphone is the same, but with android, when you add a fingerprint, my apps then make me use password (especially my bank) the first time because of a new fingerprint being added.

So this would alert him to an extra fingerprint being added. Might be worth testing it on your own device first.

Honestly though I dont understand the need for proof. What you need to think about is what proof is enough? A phone call at the right time (he could say he called to cancel), a bank withdrawal (he could say he owed a friend money). Any bit of proof short of a photo or video could be excused. The fact is, he booked an appointment, even if he never went through with it, he had the intention. To me even considering it would be enough, booking it is too far!

Could you follow him there and take some pics? Do you have any spare money to hire a private detective? May sound out there but if you need hard proof and can't get caught out your end until you've got your ducks in a row this maybe the best option, keep your hands clean as it were.

Or very long shot you could contact the woman and explain the situation but I highly doubt that would work as I'm sure this happens a lot and they won't 'help you' due to losing customer's and confidentiality etc

I respect you massively for getting yourself sorted out and playing this very cleverly well done you but I am so sorry your going though this what an utter shit

Listen to your gut Op.

All else is rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic. Playing Miss Marple is a fine distraction really, unless you are going down the inadvisable trail of forgiving if it's a one off.
Do you actually need the fine details of the financial transaction in order to call time on the relationship?

I know it's a bloody painful process, the above is said with kindness. I hope you get whatever you need to bring closure.
And thank you for sharing, it helps others too.

Thank you for your kindly worded and non judgemental approach at this exceptionally difficult time. It's appreciated. Your point is duly noted and you'll be glad to know that quite a few of the details I've given in this thread have been purposefully tweaked slightly from the actual truth for continued anonymity and given to illustrate a point, explain something or reason why something won't work. eg outing hobby with access to shower changed to generic 'gym', colours of phones changed to other arbitrary colours, number of miles moved, timings of events past and future, not Halifax but other Lloyds Group bank with same set up etc etc. All illustrate the situation without actually, necessarily being 100% accurate and therefore outing.

I had ignorantly assumed that most savvy people would already know and expect that people change details on public forums to protect anonymity. Maybe I should add a 'some of the details given in this post have been changed to protect the identity of the persons involved' disclaimer to my posts in future.

Thank you for your suggestions. The appointment date has already passed some time ago though. I have things in place so I would know if he does anything further.

I'm positive she wouldn't help and nor would I expect her to. It wouldn't be of any benefit to her, and could actually cause her issues and loss of business. I wouldn't want to put her in that position.

Thank you. That's very kind of you. And agreed. He is an utter shit. Onwards and upwards 🙂

Thanks Village 🙂The kindness in your message does come though and it is appreciated.

No, I don't need anything further to call time on the relationship. That was decided as soon as I saw the initial contact and booking. In short, and without wanting to be outing (ha!) there are several reasons (financial and personal) why I need the irrefutable proof.

It will take time, but closure will come, possibly sooner than before he even knows that I know. Pragmatism is a strength of mine. I might not even tell him why I'm ending the relationship.

I haven’t read every post so forgive me if some of this is covered already.

UK Punting is a vile site where users of prostitutes share their reviews, ask for recommendations & share tips on how to hide their activities from their significant others. It’s horrible & I’d really recommend you don’t spend time on there as I did, it just leaves you jaded & despairing.

AdultWork - no way of accessing his booking history or reviews he’s left or received without his profile login. You could attempt a login, click forgot password & if you have access to his email re-set his password when the forgot login email comes through. I’d only do that if you’re at the point of revealing to him that you know as there’s no hiding that.
If you happened to know his user name you could search for it & see reviews that way?

I understand you wanting all the details, it doesn’t change what he’s done, which you know he has, but gives you a feeling of control & like you’re not being blindsided & deceived.

This is how I got all of the info you’re looking for - confronted DH with the statement that I absolutely knew he’d used a prostitute, cried & said I just needed full transparency if we were going to be able to move forward. Asked him to login to his profile & leave it with me, said I wouldn’t make any rash decisions but as he’d deceived me for so long I needed honesty & he owed me that. Said I still loved him & for this to work I had to know it all.
Not sure why but that worked, he showed me it all & I can’t un-see his reviews. It changes nothing, he still cheated with prostitutes only now I have horrible images of his bookings & what he said about them burned into my memory,

You have enough info already to end this if you want to, you don’t need to know how many times he’s done it. Once is enough, though I would bet my life this wasn’t the first or last.

I think you're pretty much at a dead end with finding out any further details from his device history/accounts. Even if you could get his passwords for online banking, or reset them, it would be illegal to access them. It's one thing stumbling across paper copies or if he's left his accounts open on a shared device, but may be a step too far to proactively gain access. And as frustrating as it is, you probably won't find any conclusive evidence anyway, at best just more circumstantial - a suspiciously timed cash withdrawal perhaps.

I'd be surprised if he hasn't done anything further since Feb, but perhaps he's covered his tracks better recently? Maybe the messages you saw are just ones that slipped through the net when he cleared out his history. Another possibility is that he's also picking up sex partners through OLD, and only resorting to paying sex workers when he isn't getting his cheating fix for free. Might be worth setting up some honeytrap accounts on Tinder or Fab etc, just to see if he pops up on there.

And depending on his usual behaviour/activities, you might start to notice other gaps in his timeline where he's missing a few hours here and there. Straight after gym sessions is a classic time for hook ups - he's got the cover of having showered while out, and will also be feeling pumped after a workout.

Hi OP, not sure if this info is any help but Im with EE and when you look at your account there are no details of your calls ie numbers called, duration of calls etc, unless you pay extra to have them shown on your bill. It just shows how much you owe each month. So you may find that if you get access to his account there are no call details after all.

In your shoes, I wouldn't tell him what I know. I would divorce him for a reason that would sting. I've gone off him. I can't imagine growing old with him. I'm just not feeling it any more and want to find my soul mate.

Once divorced though. I would let rip.

How are you doing op? Any updates? Hope your ok 👍🏻

How are you doing @ZestyMaximus ?

Hope everything's ok OP

I'm hoping OP is just quietly keeping her powder dry and when things get resolved come January/whenever she said she needed to wait until to, she will pop back on and let us know.
If you're reading these OP, keep on trucking. This too shall pass.

As always I'm here to ask you to look at punters,UK website so you can be clear about the views of those who use these women and the conditions and abuse these woman go through. And then , once you've read these vile reviews, ask yourself if you wish to be with a man who rapes women for money and calls it consenting