What would you do? Husband admitted he 'thought' about cheating

[Mimi202020]

Hello,

I need some advice please.

Backstory: we have been married for 10 years, with two small children. The past few years have been a struggle for our relationship - lots of arguing, mainly because I felt that he wasn't showing me any attention or care, communicating well with me and he didn't make me feel loved anymore. However, we've stuck together and have been trying to make it work.

Current situation: yesterday night a message popped up on his phone which just said hi. I was sitting next to him and holding his phone at the time and I recognised the name - I said 'oh Lily has messaged you' and i popped it open and gave him the phone to respond. Then it clicked in my mind that there were no other messages previous to this on their chat history. It turns out that after they spoke he would delete the messages.

This caused me to become extremely suspicious and I immediately assumed he was cheating, because why would he delete the messages if he had nothing to hide. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't anything like that. So I grabbed the phone off him and responded to her with 'hi' pretending to be him. And I was actually surprised as our conversation didn't seem too suspicious, however, she then wrote a message that said 'so do you want to talk about what happened with your wife the other day?'.

I asked him what this meant, and he admitted that every time we would argue, he would then go and speak to various people at work to bitch about me, get sympathy and attention.

He also then admitted that he flirted with other girls at work, and whilst it had never gone any further than flirting, if he had the opportunity to, then he would have probably cheated on me. He blamed this on the fact that our sexlife is no longer existent, and that he doesn't find me attractive anymore as I have put on weight. He admitted that he had a lot of fault in this as he never made an effort to actually have a sexlife with me as most of the time he would be ignoring me!

I was absolutely appalled. I knew our marriage wasn't great, but I didn't realise that this is how bad it has gotten.

I don't know what to do. On one hand I know I need to leave him and get a divorce. On the other hand he hasn't actually cheated, we have two small kids and an entire life together..... has anyone been through anything like this, and how has it turned out for you?

I'm just so confused.

He’s shagging her.

‘I’ve thought about cheating’

=

‘I’ve cheated’

@Tescovalu the thing is I definitely thought that. However I continued the conversation with the woman, and she was asking, have you been trying to communicate with your wife better? Sometimes when I'm annoyed with my husband I ask him to communicate better with me ect ect. She was genuinely giving him marriage advice.

Add 50% on to whatever he says and you’ve got the truth

you don’t HAVE to leave him/stay with him, ofc. Just don’t accept what you’re not happy with when you’re so young.

I'm sorry op.

They always minimise what they have done to what they think they can get away with.

You say your marriage isn't great anyway.

What is it you want from now on? I think it's time to focus on that.

Oh I see.

Well maybe at the LEAST it’s a wake up call. Get some guidance or do it yourselves
really should stop confiding in another women

@Tescovalu and then when I pushed him and asked why he would talk about our relationship with other women but not me, he admitted that he liked having that emotional connection with them and attention from them. So weird

This woman is not the problem. He has not cheated with her, otherwise he would have not let you text her at all!
The problem is the state of your marriage. Things are bad. Maybe past the fixing point. Focus on talking to him about separating or fixing it.

Sounds like this is the wake up call you both need to decide what you want from your lives and your relationship. Time for serious discussions imo

I get what he means

so do you think that your communication has become hostile / basic /uncaring?

He said he'd been flirting with other women at work. So it sounds as though he's cheated with more than one.
He's definitely cheated with Lily by talking about your relationship and being emotionally involved with her.
And he is blaming you for his own bad behaviour.

@BlastedPimples I feel so conflicted, because I just want to be happy. And I'd would ultimately rather stay in this relationship for the sake of my family unit, but I don't know i will ever be happy with a man who makes me feel so insecure.

Sometimes I do think, is it my fault? I was a lot 'prettier' when we first got together, and I have really let myself go over the years. And whilst he does occasionally ask to have sex, because we are constantly in a state of conflict, I'm never in the mood. But is that my fault, and enough of a reason for him to go searching elsewhere rather than sitting down with me to talk about his needs?

Sorry - just rambling now

There are other reasons to leave than cheating. Even if he absolutely hasn't cheated, he's bitching about you being your back, your sex life is nonsense existent, he doesn't find you attractive, he ignores you and doesn't communicate well and he's admitted he would cheat given the chance. What reason is there to stay other than 2 kids?

That's true, I guess I just never thought that I would walk away from this marriage without a concrete reason. If it makes any difference, I'm from a culture where divorce is still very much taboo, and it's been a huge factor in me not considering to leave earlier.

How you feel:
lots of arguing, mainly because I felt that he wasn't showing me any attention or care, communicating well with me and he didn't make me feel loved anymore.

How he feels:
he liked having that emotional connection with them and attention from them.

Neither of you are emotionally fulfilled in the marriage. You either need to properly work on this or consider your alternatives.

The women he’s flirting with are symptoms, not the root of the problem.

That's how I feel.. like whilst he hasn't cheated yet, the intent was there and how can I move on from that.

Thank you. That's an eye-opener.

I find it hard to process because our main arguments have always been me asking him to communicate with me more, spend more 1:1 time with me. Ect ect, so I find it even more hurtful than rather than try to get an emotional connection with me, he chose to try with other women for attention.

He can get positive attention and sympathy from them by controlling the narrative. He gets sympathy and understanding and no blame.

He doesn't actually have to change or deal with anything he might need to work on.

It's an easy, lazy way of getting women's attention. It's unlikely they are all interested in having an affair with him. Some might genuinely be trying to help. But he has admitted being open to an affair so he clearly had that option in his mind.

But he is betraying your marriage and trust by not addressing any issues directly with you.

He is blaming you for his behaviour and it sounds as though you are blaming yourself for his behaviour. Which you shouldn't be! No matter what the problems were in your relationship it doesn't excuse him turning to other women. If he was unhappy with things it should have been you he was talking to about them and trying to work things out with.

Tbh I don't think there is any coming back from the disloyalty he has shown you. He obviously doesn't respect you.Your self esteem is low and your marriage is chipping away at it.

I think you should take practical steps to find out what your situation would be if you were to seperate.

You probably need to rewind and get some counselling together, put it to him, doesn't mean it's all over and give it a go. Lots of Chuck him outs generally on mn, give it a go and you may be able to make it work. Massive trauma and upheaval for the whole family on all sides is a split.

You no longer trust him. It’s over, if not now, in the future. Time to prepare yourself.

I suggested it to him last night and he seemed open to it.. but I just have the worry of 'will this work?' just feel sick about the whole situation. But maybe this is a good option to buy us more time and to see if there will be any changes in both of our behaviours.

What's really playing on my mind is... Is this understandable behaviour from him, because I haven't maintained my looks and we don't have a sex-life?

Because in all honesty, I can see why someone would stop feeling as attracted to their partner if they changed drastically, however I'm still the same person inside.. so I feel hurt that he didn't care about our relationship enough to sit me down and say..

You've put on weight and I'm no longer attracted to you. However, let's work on this together and get to a place where we are both happy?

I've also never had much interest in sex, but he never explained to me what a big deal it was for him.

I just don't know.

Because in all honesty, I can see why someone would stop feeling as attracted to their partner if they changed drastically

I aged 20 years and put on 5.5 stone in my former marriage. I divorced him for entirely different reasons but I will say that not once did he ever make me feel insecure or unwanted because of the changes in my physical appearance (and I say that in a moment when I am bloody furious with him for being an unthinking arse re our adult child atm!)

In your shoes is be seriously considering divorce, not because of the ‘thinking about cheating’ but because of everything else he’s said and you’ve eluded to in your OP.

At a bare minimum I’d be asking him to move out for a period of time while I had some thinking space and decided how I wanted to move forward.

Not many men will hang around in a sexless marriage, even if its "for the sake of the kids". They may not instigate a divorce or separation but they will look elsewhere & leave it for the wife to start proceedings when its discovered. This might be an affair or seeking out sex workers.

If you want your relationship to work you need to talk. Either 1-1 or with a counsellor. He must know you don't have much interst in sex - have you never discussed this before ? Being overweight or looking different to when you first got together shouldn't be a reason for not being intimate anymore.