What would you do? Husband admitted he 'thought' about cheating

[Mimi202020]

Hello,

I need some advice please.

Backstory: we have been married for 10 years, with two small children. The past few years have been a struggle for our relationship - lots of arguing, mainly because I felt that he wasn't showing me any attention or care, communicating well with me and he didn't make me feel loved anymore. However, we've stuck together and have been trying to make it work.

Current situation: yesterday night a message popped up on his phone which just said hi. I was sitting next to him and holding his phone at the time and I recognised the name - I said 'oh Lily has messaged you' and i popped it open and gave him the phone to respond. Then it clicked in my mind that there were no other messages previous to this on their chat history. It turns out that after they spoke he would delete the messages.

This caused me to become extremely suspicious and I immediately assumed he was cheating, because why would he delete the messages if he had nothing to hide. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't anything like that. So I grabbed the phone off him and responded to her with 'hi' pretending to be him. And I was actually surprised as our conversation didn't seem too suspicious, however, she then wrote a message that said 'so do you want to talk about what happened with your wife the other day?'.

I asked him what this meant, and he admitted that every time we would argue, he would then go and speak to various people at work to bitch about me, get sympathy and attention.

He also then admitted that he flirted with other girls at work, and whilst it had never gone any further than flirting, if he had the opportunity to, then he would have probably cheated on me. He blamed this on the fact that our sexlife is no longer existent, and that he doesn't find me attractive anymore as I have put on weight. He admitted that he had a lot of fault in this as he never made an effort to actually have a sexlife with me as most of the time he would be ignoring me!

I was absolutely appalled. I knew our marriage wasn't great, but I didn't realise that this is how bad it has gotten.

I don't know what to do. On one hand I know I need to leave him and get a divorce. On the other hand he hasn't actually cheated, we have two small kids and an entire life together..... has anyone been through anything like this, and how has it turned out for you?

I'm just so confused.

Then OP is within her rights to end the marriage if what he's said has hurt too much and she cant get over it. But he's still within his rights to say that to her if that's how he feels. Pretending he's attracted to her when hes not just isnt fair on anyone.

You deserve to be happy and so do your children. The "family unit" is not being helped if both adults in it constantly bicker. What would you advise your children to do if one of them ever found themselves in such a relationship? Would you tell them to stay?

Lead by example, OP.

I hadn't intended to derail you, but this is the OP's thread, not your nor mine so how can I have derailed it? You did say that people should talk to each other yes, but clearly sex matters to you a lot and you seem to have very strong opinions about it. I hope it's not the be all and end all of marriage for you if you're married though because people go through life events- illnesses, bereavements and stressors that diminsh their sex drives but that does not jsutify ending a marriage to me nor a fair few other people. The vows say for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part. For better or for worse doesn't include adultery nor any sort of abuse but it DOES mean dry periods in the sex life because no one does nor is made ill by lack of sex. It is not a basic need, it's an urge and anyone who genuinely loves their OH will put them before sating their urges. I hope if you're married your spouse does not develop an illness or condition nor have surgery that means they CAN'T have sex, because it seems you'd dump them. In fact, I hope you're not married at all because clearly the sex is an idol for you and matters more than the person your in a relationship with! Thankfully, a fair few people still regard their OHs as more than just a body with bits to grope and holes to poke, even though they're becoming scarcer and scarcer. Too much selfishness these days, people out for themselves and feck anyone else really!

Even if he hasn’t cheated he said he doesn’t find you attractive anymore, is bitching about you to his work colleagues, and given the opportunity he has said he would cheat. How do you come back from this?

The fact he has thought about cheating means he’s already checked out of your marriage, he’s only not done it because the opportunity hasn’t presented itself. Big hugs

He admitted that he had a lot of fault in this as he never made an effort to actually have a sexlife with me as most of the time he would be ignoring me!

That’s the reason why you should be getting divorced.
He isn’t into you. He doesn’t love you but doesn’t have the guts to call it off. So he is complaining to his co workers instead.
Maybe he has cheated, maybe not. But if he doesn’t love you in the first place, do you think there is anything to salvage?

The only reason he hasn’t cheated is because he hasn’t had the chance. It’s exactly the same.

you deserve better.

Take the sex out of it. He's bitching about you to his work colleague. Nasty

"This is the "unmet needs" fallacy and it makes me shudder when it's used against betrayed spouses and partners. It's a form of victim blaming and also has no basis in fact because people of integrity do not cheat , even when their OH doesn't look as good anymore or sex becomes infrequent or stops. People who genuinely love their OH for the person they are also don't stop when they change appearance for the worse nor sex dies out- they care for and love the PERSON"

Thank you@Blubbled for your perspective. I personally value and agree with your insight.

I don't think that's true.
If my partner gained 40-50 lbs I would not be nearly as attracted to him, and vice versa.

Op's dh did not approach this the right way but he's allowed to not be attracted to her right now.

It's not confusing. He's already cheating on you, and he's lying about it.

Even if it's not progressed to physical things yet he has degraded you to a woman he fancies and said who knows what else to her.

He's not messaging the 60 year old man in the office, he's messaging an attractive female, slagging you off, and lying about it.

He's trying to line up someone else to fuck, if he hasn't done so already, so he can dump you or so he can stay with you cooking cleaning and serving him and keep fucking around.

And he's trying to drip feed you a smidgeon of the truth to make it more believable.

If he wanted to talk to you about your sex life, he absolutely would have. Men are never short of words when they want to discuss something. He probably just fancies fucking someone new.

Even if you had been willing to let him fuck around and have that sort of marriage, he's blown that by being a cheat and a liar.

You cannot trust him now.

I know I am putting this crudely, I apologise for that, but I am hoping to blow away the cobwebs in your brain.

Go to Chump Lady for some genuine advice.

You. Cannot. Trust. Him. Now.

He is not your friend and he does not have your back and he is a proven liar.

See a lawyer, hide everything you are doing from him and get your ducks in a row.

Also, re being unattractive to him. Yes, perhaps he is not attracted to you anymore. It happens.

But that never, ever, under any circumstances makes it ok to lie and cheat.

He could, at any time have told you how he felt and what he wanted. Instead, he's trying to line someone up quietly to fuck (and possibly already has as a liar is a liar) and meanwhile keeps you being his maid in a comfy home while he does whatever he wants without offering YOU the same option.

At any time he could have told you he wanted to change the parameters of the relationship without lying and cheating.

I don't think we can help being unattracted to someone, but it's never the reason for cheating.

There's only one reason for cheating - they want to cheat.

Do you think you could be with someone who said they are not attracted to you?
Would marriage counselling work for you both?

People are allowed to feel whatever they feel, that can't be controlled. I just don't understand how you could lose attraction to someone you're in love with. For me attraction and sexual chemistry is much deeper than that, it's an exciting feeling from certain eye contact, feelings of electricity with you touch or are close. That wouldn't change for me based on looks. It would change if the emotional connection was off. If I lost that attraction I wouldn't be in love with them, I might still care about them but I wouldn't be in love.
This won't go down well with the older population but if we are being honest not many people over 50 are conventionally attractive, skins sagging and muscle tone is going. There are also plenty of young people who are overweight or just not good looking. Are you saying that these people aren't actually attracted to each other?

If he hasnt cheated physically, he certainly had emotionally. How dare he invest emotionally into another woman instead of addressing it with you. This is not on you OP. Hes telling you about it now because hes been found out...the sex and weight comments is just a way of blaming you for his shitty behaviour. He is to blame here, not you. Its also very misogynistic of him. How special does he think he is ffs. Hes making me angry. If he wants female attention tell him youre applying for divorce as youre not changing. Tell him hes also not perfect and list his faults. See solicitor , this wont end well for you. Hes telling you hoping youll change for him or so that you look inwardly and blame yourself. NO! Hes a piece of selfish shit

I would no longer be attracted to my husband physically if he became obese and no longer want to have sex with him.

I wouldn't cheat though.

Well in that case, surely he’d need to be a adult about it.
That would mean
1- realising that the OP has given birth to 2 dcs, who are still little so the last pg is still recent
2- actually talking about it with her (in a mature way. Not by shaming!)
3- supporting her. Let’s say by giving her plenty of time for her to go out on her own and exercise. By ensuring she is as rested as possible (so some energy to cook healthy stuff, less cravings for carbs etc…).

It’s a bit easy for a man to say ‘you’ve put in weight. I’m not attracted to you 🤮🤮’ but to also not lift a finger to support his partner to do the very thing he’d like her to do. Esp when the weight is linked to the fact she gave birth to HIS children.

Ending a marriage is a huge deal. Are you prepared to only see your kids half the week or miss birthdays or holidays because they are with your Ex? Are you prepared to have less money and security? I’m 7 years out post divorce with two children and my life is only just beginning to make sense. It’s super hard. So this man isn’t your true love or even your lover but you are co parents. Can you make a companionable friendship work until your kids are a little older and you figure out what you really want? There’s still options for you up ahead to meet someone else if that’s what you want but now sounds a bad time when you are on the back foot and not feeling fighting fit to find a relationship. I wish you all the best.