What would you do? Husband admitted he 'thought' about cheating

[Mimi202020]

Hello,

I need some advice please.

Backstory: we have been married for 10 years, with two small children. The past few years have been a struggle for our relationship - lots of arguing, mainly because I felt that he wasn't showing me any attention or care, communicating well with me and he didn't make me feel loved anymore. However, we've stuck together and have been trying to make it work.

Current situation: yesterday night a message popped up on his phone which just said hi. I was sitting next to him and holding his phone at the time and I recognised the name - I said 'oh Lily has messaged you' and i popped it open and gave him the phone to respond. Then it clicked in my mind that there were no other messages previous to this on their chat history. It turns out that after they spoke he would delete the messages.

This caused me to become extremely suspicious and I immediately assumed he was cheating, because why would he delete the messages if he had nothing to hide. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't anything like that. So I grabbed the phone off him and responded to her with 'hi' pretending to be him. And I was actually surprised as our conversation didn't seem too suspicious, however, she then wrote a message that said 'so do you want to talk about what happened with your wife the other day?'.

I asked him what this meant, and he admitted that every time we would argue, he would then go and speak to various people at work to bitch about me, get sympathy and attention.

He also then admitted that he flirted with other girls at work, and whilst it had never gone any further than flirting, if he had the opportunity to, then he would have probably cheated on me. He blamed this on the fact that our sexlife is no longer existent, and that he doesn't find me attractive anymore as I have put on weight. He admitted that he had a lot of fault in this as he never made an effort to actually have a sexlife with me as most of the time he would be ignoring me!

I was absolutely appalled. I knew our marriage wasn't great, but I didn't realise that this is how bad it has gotten.

I don't know what to do. On one hand I know I need to leave him and get a divorce. On the other hand he hasn't actually cheated, we have two small kids and an entire life together..... has anyone been through anything like this, and how has it turned out for you?

I'm just so confused.

Pretty much this.

Have you now been able to communicate what you'd both like your relationship to be going forward and are you both open to counselling to help you find your way back or separate?

No it's not understandable behaviour. Ask yourself if you've also done this as a result of his emotional detachment? If the answer is no then it's not acceptable behaviour from him.

What he should be doing is working on his marriage, putting his emotional energy into your relationship rather than getting his emotional meds met from other women. You both need to understand what the other feels they are lacking and put energy into that.

Would you consider going to counselling together? It sounds like you're both unhappy, so there's not much point in carrying on as you are

I wouldn't fancy someone if they had let themselves go. But how do you say that to someone. It's a horrible conversation to have.

It doesn't sound like he's cheated yet.

Try counselling.

You keep taking about you've let yourself go , want to get back to being prettier , lose weight you've gained during the relationship etc .
If you want to , then do it as long as It's for you and to improve your own self esteem . Don't do it for him .

He's definitely cheated with Lily by talking about your relationship and being emotionally involved with her.

I wish people wouldn't post shit like this.

It's nonsense.

I have a colleague at work who speaks to me about all sorts of problems in his life. I'm safe because I'm emotionally removed enough to not be personally affected, he doesn't have to deal with my emotions as well as his own and he can process how he feels about things.

I am not, have not and would never want to shag him and I'm pretty confident the feeling is mutual!

Of course, sometimes there will be an affair but to say 'definitely' when the OP has given further context, is inflammatory mischief making.

OP, you can obviously make any decision you choose.

Personally, I would try and take the emotion away from it all.and have a cards on the table, how did this happen? How do we each feel? Can we fix it? Do we want to fix it? Conversation and take it from there.

People, for whatever reason, shut off emotionally and deal with things in unhealthy ways.

Maybe he has cheated but it doesn't sound like he has tbh. And he admits his part in it, which means you have a starting point for putting it right.

If you want to.

Editing for terrible typing.

Mystic Meg here

Was it true intent? Or just he could see how it could have happened?

You won't really know anything until and unless you have a warts n all open and honest conversation.

I'd establish boundaries - nothing said to be intentionally hurtful, no insults and keeping emotion out of it.

Eg imagine it's a business going through a rough patch. There's no point in finger pointing or blaming about who did what wrong or getting upset about it. What you need to do is recognise and acknowledge where you are, decide where you want to be and what you need to do to make that happen.

It would probably involve you each making individual efforts on your own issues; joint efforts on joint issues and having a clear vision of where you want to end up. Whether you want to stay together or split amicably for the children, it will work best if you're pulling together.

It sounds like you've both stopped making any effort in your relationship.

Relationships take effort!

You say you've really let yourself go - is that just putting a bit of weight or have you stopped making any effort generally towards him?

And he's checked out emotionally it seems and is making his effort and finding his connection elsewhere.

What makes a relationship different to a friendship is quite often sex.

You are on v thin ice and both need to want to change, and put in the effort.

Yeah, I think you know what you need to do. It seems like he doesn't really care for you and to say he doesn't find you attractive because of your weight gain.. yikes. If my partner said that, it would be the end for sure.

I'm confused... You were texting this other woman pretending to be your husband whilst he was sat next to you?

It's sad that it takes for something quite serious to happen for people to actually think about improving their marriage. Not justifying his behaviour at all, but I think when a marriage gets to this stage it usually isn't just one person to blame.

As shallow as it may seem, physical attraction is a big part of being attracted to someone. I do think it's important to not "let yourself go" both for your own self esteem, but also for your partner.

It seems like neither party is particularly happy or fulfilled in this marriage. And neither are doing anything to address each others needs. I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't communicate well or show me any love or attention. But I also wouldn't want to be with someone I wasn't physically attracted to and who had no interest in being intimate with me.

What can sound like marriage advice from her could instead be something entirely different. She's asking him to tell her what happened with his wife the other day. Could be that he told her he was going to tell his wife he was thinking of leaving? Then she tells him that he needs to communicate better. Could be her way of telling him that he needs to clearly tell his wife that he's leaving her?

Just a thought.

Let’s assume he has not cheated on you.
You will now forever suspect it, you cannot trust him, can you live like that?

He could leave you in 10 years time, he’s checked out. What then for you?
Get out now, been there, and I wish I had left a lot sooner.

So he's admitted to an emotional affair.

Hugs, OP. What a dick

The relationship is read and has been dead for / long while.

He's stayed, probably for to be near his children or just because the home set up is easier than getting a place of his own.

He's been looking elsewhere, slags you off to there and you have sadly let things slide with your appearance and sex life.

No he shouldn't have cheated or thought about cheating but too many women give up
on themselves and wonder why their man has gone elsewhere.

Boot him out and work on building yourself up again and being the best version of you that you can be.

@SaintHonoria the op has let things slide all by herself has she?

And of course her h went looking elsewhere as a result, leaving her to wonder why?

Christ. No wonder men think they can do what they like with women like you apportioning blame to those that they betray.

Let's hope you stay a size 10 and wrinkle / sag free eh? Just in case we know who to blame should your other half find special friends.

His wife is supposed to be his primary relationship. His marriage, and the problems in it, should be discussed between the two of them. How else can the problems be resolved?

What her DH has done is he has gone behind her back. Instead of talking to his wife he is going to this other woman to criticise her. He is substituting the emotional closeness he should be sharing with his wife for a shared closeness with this other woman. Using the criticism of his wife to bond with her. That's what I mean by cheating emotionally with this woman.

What chance has their marriage got if he choses to discuss it with some other woman but won't discuss it with his wife?

What you and your work colleague do or don't do in your relationship is not the point here. The point is what is happening in OP's relationship with her DH.

All the best. I would give it a go, the overweight bit doesn't change the person inside like you say, but there could be some things from a trained professional that could help you both.

It's over. How can you even look at him. Yuk.

His marriage, and the problems in it, should be discussed between the two of them. How else can the problems be resolved?

Which, from the info the OP provided, is exactly what this woman advised. You don't know he is criticising his wife to her. Only that he has spoken to her about problems within the marriage.

Physical appearance and sexual attraction is a huge part of a relationship. Im not excusing his behaviour but its a massive thing that has likely started all of this off. Me and DH went through a really rough patch last year, he'd put on about 6 stone since we met, I felt alot less attracted to him and it definitely affected the way I looked at him. Cheating didn't cross my mind but we had a serious conversation about it. I dont understand why anyone would be happy to stay in a sexless marriage where you're not attracted to your partner. Why is that fair to anyone? People always seem offended when a man comments on a womans appearance but put yourself in those shoes, how would you feel if you were no longer attracted to your partner. Yes your DH should have sat you down for a conversation and been honest, instead of turning elsewhere for an emotional connection and some attention. OP its your decision what to do here. Stay and work on it, get counselling and actually try to get your marriage back. But accept that some of the work needs to be on you too, its only fair that your DH should be attracted to you. Or accept that its gone too far and cant go back to how it was and move on with your lives.

You are clearly not friends though, regardless of him cheating or not.
Don’t waste your life living it with a man that is not your friend as well as your biggest fan. It’s not worth it.

You do need to consider how you will parent your children together - is he a decent parent?

In all honesty I would say that most people have thought about sleeping with someone else . Being married doesn't stop people finding others attractive. It's what you do about it . It sounds like your husband is willing to cross that line .