What would you do? Husband admitted he 'thought' about cheating

[Mimi202020]

Hello,

I need some advice please.

Backstory: we have been married for 10 years, with two small children. The past few years have been a struggle for our relationship - lots of arguing, mainly because I felt that he wasn't showing me any attention or care, communicating well with me and he didn't make me feel loved anymore. However, we've stuck together and have been trying to make it work.

Current situation: yesterday night a message popped up on his phone which just said hi. I was sitting next to him and holding his phone at the time and I recognised the name - I said 'oh Lily has messaged you' and i popped it open and gave him the phone to respond. Then it clicked in my mind that there were no other messages previous to this on their chat history. It turns out that after they spoke he would delete the messages.

This caused me to become extremely suspicious and I immediately assumed he was cheating, because why would he delete the messages if he had nothing to hide. He tried to reassure me that it wasn't anything like that. So I grabbed the phone off him and responded to her with 'hi' pretending to be him. And I was actually surprised as our conversation didn't seem too suspicious, however, she then wrote a message that said 'so do you want to talk about what happened with your wife the other day?'.

I asked him what this meant, and he admitted that every time we would argue, he would then go and speak to various people at work to bitch about me, get sympathy and attention.

He also then admitted that he flirted with other girls at work, and whilst it had never gone any further than flirting, if he had the opportunity to, then he would have probably cheated on me. He blamed this on the fact that our sexlife is no longer existent, and that he doesn't find me attractive anymore as I have put on weight. He admitted that he had a lot of fault in this as he never made an effort to actually have a sexlife with me as most of the time he would be ignoring me!

I was absolutely appalled. I knew our marriage wasn't great, but I didn't realise that this is how bad it has gotten.

I don't know what to do. On one hand I know I need to leave him and get a divorce. On the other hand he hasn't actually cheated, we have two small kids and an entire life together..... has anyone been through anything like this, and how has it turned out for you?

I'm just so confused.

There is a fundamental difference if you've never been interested in sex. Perhaps you could seek some individual counselling for that. I'd also see this as a wake-up call. You've wanted more attention but don't want to be sexual. Not many men give one without the other unfortunately, that's life.
I think it's idealistic for anyone to think they can unilaterally let themselves go and still be attractive. You are in a dichotomy state, probably want him to see you as attractive while at the same time neglecting trying to be so, so that you can avoid sex. Sex and care and attention go together for a lot of men, that's just how they operate, you can't get one without the other, much as women usually want the attention first for sex to happen, it's the opposite for men. You've been ignoring this, you thought that asking for attention would be enough - makes sense to a woman right? But if a man knows that no amount of attention and care will improve the sex life, he's mostly not going to bother.
Time to adopt a healthy lifestyle, not just for him, but your own self-esteem and so that you are fit and active and around as long as possible in your DC's life. He doesn't fancy you, if you don't want to be fancied by him, you're on a hiding to nothing.

This isn't excusing emotional affairs (whether or not he has had one is hard to tell from your post), but the fact you said you've never been that interested in sex probably goes a long way to explaining why he doesn't initiate, maybe? He will have noticed you're not that bothered about it, and rightly or wrongly for a lot of men (and women!) a marriage without sexual connection is just a cohabitation

It wouldn't even matter to me if he cheated, what he said would be enough. Saying he would have cheated is just as bad as doing it. Saying he's not attracted to you because you put on weight is awful. Bodies change after children and as we get older, when you love someone that doesn't change the attraction.

Arguing a lot; he ignores you; he insults you and you no longer have sex ... time to move on as he will have an affair if he hasn't already done so. You deserve so much better.

Thank you everyone for your messages. I really wasn't expected to get so many responses - you've all really given me some things to think about.

Just to answer some questions:

Yes he was next to me whilst I was texting 'lily' and yes I agree that it's weird, but I just needed to do that to know whether or not I could trust him that he wasn't having an affair with her.

To the posters asking how I let myself go, I've put on about 3/4 stones in the past years. Partly due to two pregnancies, but that's not really an excuse, I've just been lazy about taking care of my health and losing the pregnancy weight.

We've been speaking some more this morning, and I do genuinely believe that he hasn't cheated on me yet, however, I also believe that if the opportunity had presented itself, he probably would have taken it. In regards to our differing views of our sexlife, it's always been like this. I've just never really been bothered about having sex and so we have always only really had sex once every couple of months or so. If he had initiated it more or I knew it was important to him, then I would have made more of an effort. I honestly didn't think it bothered him either.

I'm still in two minds and I think I just need to reflect and think about what to do next. Thank you all for your advice - I really do appreciate it.

I don't think he's cheated but he's thinking about it. It sounds like neither of you are happy in this marriage. I think you both have a lot to think about.

This. I think he has been brutally honest with you. If you have been thinking about divorcing him and the marriage has been a struggle for you both for awhile now, then him admitting he has had similar feelings as you cannot ne a suprise.

The good news is that as you have held off on divorce, he has held of from cheating. So you both feel you are at end of your tether but hoping it will be turned around.

Now is the time to decide- stay or go? Have that conversation and if it is stay make a proper effort. You are both going to need support and professional counselling. Many couples need help, there is no shame in it.

I think his colleague is genuinely trying to help him. She just hasn’t realised yet that she wants to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
I work with lots of males and some slag off their wives just because they can, and some make a comment here and there about how their marriage is ending to test the waters. Maybe someone will fall in the net.
it’s up to you to decide which category your DH falls under.

And some just want some advice from an objective 3rd party but, other than that, yes, I also think she is just genuinely trying to help.

It does change the attraction though. Just because you love someone you dont have to be physically attracted to them! I love my best friend but I dont want to have sex with them. Physical attraction and sexual chemistry is huge in a relationship and if you say its not then you're in the wrong relationship. Being in love with someone is not a reason to stay married. Im not saying OPs DH has gone about things the right way at all, but he has every right to be physically attracted to his wife. Getting older is one thing, but putting on weight to the point we look completely different is another thing. Everyone has preferences in what they are looking for and there's nothing wrong with that.

Your marriage isn't "not good" Your marriage is over but neither of you want the hassle of ending it! Staying together for the children puts a lot of guilt on them as they grow up (mom and dad weren't happy and if they didn't have me they could have been)
His behaviour is disrespectful to you but your acceptance is worse, you do not appear to have any self respect.Is that really the role model you want to be for the children, someone who puts up with everything rather than rock the boat?

Just in relation to "let yourself go" and "ive just been lazy after pregnancies" etc. Please don't be so hard on yourself! Your body has gone through major changes to grow babies, don't forget how amazing your body is to create human life, try to love your body for what its achieved. And then after birth, life is busy, looking after children becomes your priority. It would be great to have all the time in the world to be able to look after everything but that isn't possible without support. Has he supported you enough with raising children so that you can have "you time" back to take care of yourself, exercise, do sport or things you enjoy that are healthy for you? Women sadly do often just automatically take the bigger load of child caring duties.

Well I mean he did talk about his needs? He asked you for sex and you "weren't in the mood" as per usual it sounds

Both me and my DH have gained weight during our relationship, he has gained a lot of weight. It's had zero impact on our sexual chemistry or attraction. There's nothing wrong with preferences at all but I do believe, and it is my own experience, that if you're in love with someone that chemistry doesn't disappear when looks change.
I don't get the comparison with the best friend. Maybe you're understanding of romantic love is off if you think love for friends or family is comparable to love in a romantic relationship.

Not just men though? It's not really that different to what op is doing? She's basically also slagging of her husband to a group of online girl friends.
Op can you honestly say you've never spoken to your friends about your dh and your problems?

I think, as another poster said, that's its time for a completely open and honest talk. No blame no finger pointing, just a frank discussion about what you each want and where do you go from here. I get the feeling that he wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to just come out and say it. By the same token you're clearly not happy either. You need some time, just the 2 of you with no kids or distractions, to sit down and work out the way forward. A civilised talk with no judgement or arguing. But honesty needs to be the key along with mutual civilised decision making regarding the children and your future if a separation is imminent. I hope you can work it out.

Well he still wants to have sex with his wife -despite her weight gain.
She doesn't want to

For me, the fact he told me he'd gone off me just because I'd put on a bit of weight ( probably due to having HIS children, OP??) would be enough of a reason for me to call time on the marriage, because it would mean that he'd never loved me for WHO I am, the person I am and any feelings he had had for me were too shallow and more to do with me making his life easier or his convenience than genuine care and love for me and wanting the best for me! Also the fact he'd TOLD me this would mean he either had no respect for me or actually wanted to hurt me. This would make me regard him as my enemy and I would no longer want him in my life! What a horrible man he is!
I think after the horrible, cruel things he's said to you and the fact he's been moaning about you at work, it doesn't really matter whether he's cheated physically or not! He sure as feck has been stabbing you in the back in other ways, hasn't he? And now you've caught him out! I'm so sorry OP but IMO you need to LTB!!!

I was making a point that just because you love someone it doesn't mean you automatically have sexual attraction to them. Its great that your experience is so positive and thats on you as one person to feel that way. Many others dont, and I hope one day it doesnt affect your DH in that way too. You start off a relationship because you're attracted to them, if you weren't attracted then the relationship wouldn't go anywhere. If the attraction disappears then its fair to end the marriage on those grounds. Im pointing out that someone shouldn't be forced to stay in a marriage out of love and loyalty if you no longer have that attraction and sexual chemistry. Your experience here is not the same as OPs, her DH has already admitted that the attraction has gone, which thankfully wasnt the case for your marriage.

This is the "unmet needs" fallacy and it makes me shudder when it's used against betrayed spouses and partners. It's a form of victim blaming and also has no basis in fact because people of integrity do not cheat , even when their OH doesn't look as good anymore or sex becomes infrequent or stops. People who genuinely love their OH for the person they are also don't stop when they change appearance for the worse nor sex dies out- they care for and love the PERSON and would be more worried about them than than shunning nor cheating nor disrespecting them in any way. They talk to their OH and offer to support them, and they'd also examine themselves to see where THEY could do better too. We all age and loose our looks, unless we die young. Pregnancy, childbirth, child rearing and menopause all take their toll on women. However, as a nurse I came across plenty elderly people still married who loved and were loyal to their wife or husband in hospital and who were devastated if they died. My own father and mother were one of those couples!
Please refrain from victim blaming, especially when that victim is in real distress or pain. Don't kick people when they're down!

Romantic relationships do start because of physical attraction, yes, but if the 2 involved have emotional depth and are right for each other and have integrity, the relationship deepens and becomes about far more than just sexual attraction. This is proven by the sheer amount of elderly couples who still love and are loyal to each other even when they're frail and ill, and have lost their youthful good looks altogether.
If the lack of sex or changes in appearance bother people they should try to discuss it and support their OH, not stab them in the back. If the OH won't listen nor accept help and support, they should respectfully call time and be honest. Going behind your OH's back is NEVER justified, it's despicable!

I think it’s irrelevant whether he cheated or not.

He’s said he doesn’t fancy you
You’ve said he makes you feel unloved
You have zero sex life
He’s usually ignoring you

your marriage is over in all but paper

If I were you I'd get my ducks in a row over the next 6 months.

I'd start exercising and taking care of myself, not for him or to save the marriage but because it will be your confidence, self esteem and physical and mental health the world of good and if you can do classes you can start to build up a social life away from him and have something that is just yours. This is easier with him in the picture as he can look after the children.

Even if it did kick start our relationship again I don't think I'd want to stick around with him after what he has said. He has been fairly open with you but if he hasn't cheated yet it's not off the cards and I'd never trust him.

I'd get myself in a better place financially with work if possible to have the best chance of financial independence.

Well that was the same point of my original post. I said it wouldn't matter if he cheated or not, what's been said is enough to end it.

If you read my other posts I already said I completely didnt agree with the way OPs DH has gone about things. I also said he shouldve sat down and had a conversation with her. So you're completely derailing my comments to fit your own narrative that I havent said. My own point is that not everyone is willing to stay in a sexless marriage where they have become less attracted to their spouse. Sex and sexual chemistry is a deal breaker for alot of people and my point is thats absolutely OK! Yes we should always try to resolve things with communication and not seek out someone else physically or emotionally. Yes its great how many elderly couples stay together through loyalty, but lets not be naive. Divorce is very prevalent these days because people arent just settling for less than they deserve. If the sexual attraction is completely gone and not coming back, loyalty isnt always enough and nobody should be forced to live like roommates when you're supposed to be in a relationship.