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Original poster

Would you stay with a guy if he doesn’t show affection or want you sexually ?

102 replies

Blackeyedcat · 19/08/2024 01:34

Hi , thank for reading .
im in bit of a mess at the moment . We are both in early 30’s , together for 7 years . Relationship is great apart from bedroom issues . At the beginning it was great but few years later his desire for me is gone in him . He doesn’t initate , ever . For couple of years now , it’s always me who initates sex or anything romantic . He’s a selfish lover who just wants the act to be over and done with without pleasing me too . He says it’s work stress , tiredness etc .
living together and no kids . Not married .
im so stupid , I think he tricked me from the begging pretending to be someone who he isn’t and I’m even more stupid for staying so long in unhappy sex life . I guess I just got used to rejection from him and no affection . But something clicked in my head few weeks ago thinking this is not right , he’s been to doctors and all hormones are fine so what is it ? :( he doesn’t use porn . I have high sex drive and have been putting up with duty sex twice a month . I can imagine If I told him no sex ever again , he would probably be delighted . I just feel so lonely inside and unwanted . I feel like we are just friends now living together . I asked him why he never initiates sex , he said oh it’s because normally you do it so I don’t have to .!

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 19/08/2024 01:51

Oh that’s awful. You’re young, you have a high sex drive, can you see the rest of your life like this?
I’m not saying it’s easy to find a good man (it’s really not), but this kind of thing is so wearing on one’s self esteem. :(

im sorry. It really sounds like it would be best to end it while you’re young, not waste more years. If sex it’s important to you! Asexual relationships do exist, but you get to decide what works for you, and there’s nothing wrong with compatible sex drives being a priority. You have your best years still ahead of you, OP.

LimeBeaker · 19/08/2024 01:51

Tricky situation, sounds like you know what to do. My relationship has been like this. I now own a home with him and have two children. The selfishness spread into other areas of the relationship now. It’s so lonely and didn’t get better for me and sounds it isn’t improving for you, I wish I had of read the warning signs early on and not stayed. Although so grateful for my lovely children.

gentileschi · 19/08/2024 02:00

You are far too young to suffer this. Leave him and find an exciting lover!

Dery · 19/08/2024 02:01

No, I wouldn’t. What you describe about how he treats you sexually sounds very grim. You’re far too young to settle for a lifetime of this. You say the relationship is great apart from bedroom issues but, if that’s the case, wouldn’t you be better off just being friends? As you say - that’s what you are effectively. If you make that official, you can look elsewhere for a sexually compatible partner.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 19/08/2024 02:17

At your age, absolutely not.

Original poster
Blackeyedcat · 19/08/2024 02:23

The problem is that we are trying for a child because we are in our 30 so got to hurry up and if I do leave , I risk of never having a child as I will be too old .
and second is because we have such a comftable life that I don’t think I could afford to live by myself on one wage . I’m torn .
I feel like I don’t want to downgrade and move from beautiful house to house share and start from square one . And lose out of never having a child . I think if I already had a child , I’d be more than happy to seperate .

OP posts:
cowboybootsonglassfloor · 19/08/2024 03:26

How are you trying fit a child on twice monthly sex?

Original poster
Blackeyedcat · 19/08/2024 03:29

cowboybootsonglassfloor · 19/08/2024 03:26

How are you trying fit a child on twice monthly sex?

Timing it on right dates for conception and hoping for the best :)

OP posts:
PARunnerGirl · 19/08/2024 03:40

I could’ve written this seven years ago when I was 36, right down to trying to conceive. I was married though, for ten years.

I left him. It will utterly destroy you. If you get pregnant this may be delayed a bit, but I’m sure it will happen.

Money works out in the end and any losses or costs are worth paying to avoid what is ahead if you stay. I know this sounds dramatic but honestly, the way this situation will erode you as time goes on is so, so horrible 😔

SunflowersMidwinter · 19/08/2024 03:44

I don't have an answer for your situation but if you decided to leave him and enjoy a better sex life with a new partner - nope, enjoy your life.

I'm in a worse situation 😔

Original poster
Blackeyedcat · 19/08/2024 03:46

@SunflowersMidwinter thank you for your reply xxx may I ask why are you in worse situation ? X

OP posts:
SunflowersMidwinter · 19/08/2024 03:55

Sure, why not. 😊 I did my first degree at the University of Bristol which bosts it's own GP system. Result was years on SSRI's - I had no idea they effected orgasm (stop it). I had no sex drive so it created the situation you describe above.

Worse because I'm on my 3rd marriage because of this unknown effect

SunflowersMidwinter · 19/08/2024 03:57

PARunnerGirl · 19/08/2024 03:40

I could’ve written this seven years ago when I was 36, right down to trying to conceive. I was married though, for ten years.

I left him. It will utterly destroy you. If you get pregnant this may be delayed a bit, but I’m sure it will happen.

Money works out in the end and any losses or costs are worth paying to avoid what is ahead if you stay. I know this sounds dramatic but honestly, the way this situation will erode you as time goes on is so, so horrible 😔

I'd like a bit of an advice landing pool 😊

SunflowersMidwinter · 19/08/2024 03:59

I left him. It will utterly destroy you. If you get pregnant this may be delayed a bit, but I’m sure it will happen.

I actually feel getting my baby was worth it

Peaky18 · 19/08/2024 04:15

Would you consider leaving and hope for the best? He'll possibly be a rubbish df anyway.
It's a child you want not a commodity. There's always ivf.

user1492757084 · 19/08/2024 05:30

Give him a final hint. That you can't go on being the only instigater of sexual activity in your marriage.
Decide to go back using contraceptives and see if he can spark romance if he knows it is very important to you.

C1N1C · 19/08/2024 05:56

Do you do enough housework?

Part of me is thinking this is a reverse, but hey.

As others have said, it's a shame that an otherwise good relationship is crumbling due to lack of sex. Part of me is leaning on the recurring MN posts where the men complain that their wives aren't interested in sex after the kids were born. It could be that your sex drive dwindles after kids and your relationship hits perfection, because you won't want it, he won't care... but on the other hand, if your drive remains, that misery isn't great for raising kids.

namechangeforexplant · 19/08/2024 06:02

Peaky18 · 19/08/2024 04:15

Would you consider leaving and hope for the best? He'll possibly be a rubbish df anyway.
It's a child you want not a commodity. There's always ivf.

’Theres always ivf’ is such a blasé response! IVF is gruelling and does not work for lots of people

BCBird · 19/08/2024 06:23

I was in a relationshipije this for 2 and a h years. It is soul destroying. I tbink the mis matched sex drive is something i could have coped with but selfish sex - that is awful I know. I was in mid 40s so children was not an consideration. I would not resign myself to this situation. You have a nice life but no.peace. Believe u me peace is so underrated. You are still young.

TwistedMelon78 · 19/08/2024 07:35

I’ve just posted about a similar situation and looking for advice, except with me, I’m decades down the line, have two children, and we don’t even have ‘duty sex’. We love each other very much in every other way and it feels so hard to end something that is great apart from the sex. 😢
I say leave now- I wish I’d had the courage to do so when I first realised an issue.

Coz97 · 19/08/2024 09:39

I don't think you should stay with him just to have a baby. Deep down, you know it's going to end with you leaving him. You're still young and still have time to meet someone else and have a baby with them. Plus, your sex life could be a whole lot better!

Original poster
Blackeyedcat · 19/08/2024 10:14

Thank you guys for your replies 😇
do you think I could ask him for an open relationship or would he be totally against it ? I don’t see why he would be angry when it’s him who isn’t doing his part as a partner . I wouldn’t mind sharing a house with him and seeing other people to meet my needs….
i kind of don’t even want my own partner anymore to ask to be sexual( although I don’t think he’ll ever ask , it’s always been me ) , after rejecting me all the time . I think the resentment has grown too much over the years and this week iv had enough of it . I never felt like this before , earlier on I took every opportunity I could get out of him , it feels embarrising to beg to be wanted and to be intimate with your own girlfriend .

OP posts:
Coz97 · 19/08/2024 10:29

Blackeyedcat · 19/08/2024 10:14

Thank you guys for your replies 😇
do you think I could ask him for an open relationship or would he be totally against it ? I don’t see why he would be angry when it’s him who isn’t doing his part as a partner . I wouldn’t mind sharing a house with him and seeing other people to meet my needs….
i kind of don’t even want my own partner anymore to ask to be sexual( although I don’t think he’ll ever ask , it’s always been me ) , after rejecting me all the time . I think the resentment has grown too much over the years and this week iv had enough of it . I never felt like this before , earlier on I took every opportunity I could get out of him , it feels embarrising to beg to be wanted and to be intimate with your own girlfriend .

You could always ask. No harm in asking at this point.

SoManyBadgers · 19/08/2024 10:51

Don't piss around with open relationship requests, just leave him and move on with your better, more fulfilled, happier life and don't look back. You will never regret putting yourself first.

Opentooffers · 19/08/2024 11:02

It's a bad idea TTC with him. I'm concerned that you say you could not afford to live by yourself, so how could you afford to live as a single parent? Do you own your home jointly? If you do, it's something, but why are you putting TTC before marriage if your finances are so stretched?
Get married first before TTC, and if the idea of being married to him is a worry because you already have one foot out the door, that tells you that you shouldn't be TTC either. You will be more stuck than ever with a DC and unmarried so no claim to assets.