Would you stay with a guy if he doesn’t show affection or want you sexually ?

[Blackeyedcat]

Hi , thank for reading .
im in bit of a mess at the moment . We are both in early 30’s , together for 7 years . Relationship is great apart from bedroom issues . At the beginning it was great but few years later his desire for me is gone in him . He doesn’t initate , ever . For couple of years now , it’s always me who initates sex or anything romantic . He’s a selfish lover who just wants the act to be over and done with without pleasing me too . He says it’s work stress , tiredness etc .
living together and no kids . Not married .
im so stupid , I think he tricked me from the begging pretending to be someone who he isn’t and I’m even more stupid for staying so long in unhappy sex life . I guess I just got used to rejection from him and no affection . But something clicked in my head few weeks ago thinking this is not right , he’s been to doctors and all hormones are fine so what is it ? :( he doesn’t use porn . I have high sex drive and have been putting up with duty sex twice a month . I can imagine If I told him no sex ever again , he would probably be delighted . I just feel so lonely inside and unwanted . I feel like we are just friends now living together . I asked him why he never initiates sex , he said oh it’s because normally you do it so I don’t have to .!

Oh FFS. Yep, great idea. You're already unhappy, incompatible and say you feel lonely so definitely bring a child into this miserable situation🙄

Oh i remember when he said that when he was young, his dad said if any of his boys turned gay he would be so very upset about it . Maybe it’s stuck in his head and now hes turned out to be gay but scared to come out .

This . You are early 30s, you have no ties, you have years to find someone who is more compatible with you.

I feel like having a child would make me the happiest I could ever be , even without having a partner . Being single and having a child means more to me than not having a child and being happily in relationship . But obviously I wish I could have happy relationship and happy baby . But I don’t .

Just videos of random stuff whatever pops up , cooking videos anything , it’s like he’s disconnected for the first 15 mins !

What the fuck have I just read??? He watches cooking videos on Facebook whilst you wank him off?!?!?!

Your view is completely warped. You are looking for something to make you happy and less lonely because of how lost and unloved you're feeling in your relationship. You need a new (healthy) relationship, not a baby.

Oh and 33 is not old!!!

"I don’t think he has , not that I know of . But I don’t understand , he wasn’t like this for the first few a years … if he was abused , wouldn’t he be on his phone from the beginning ? he didn’t look at his phone at all ,we just had so much fun , it felt genuine and meaningful , I feel now it just out of boredom He does it ."
It's to do maybe with intimacy, at the start of a relationship you're less intimately involved with someone. If you struggle with intimacy or have had negative experiences then ironically the more you love someone the harder it is to show affection.

Watch Bohemian Rhapsody the film OP. Freddie loved Mary but he was gay.

I know everyone seems to think he might be gay but could be maybe not be gay and just be asexual ? Low sex drive ? Or am I delusional

Also this reads a bit that you're essentially selling your happiness because he financially provides, but you will never be able to leave if you have a child because you won't marry and the house belongs to him and he's the highest earner. You'll have nothing, and no decent means to support your child, you say you don't want to give up the lifestyle you definitely won't want your child to.

Does it matter? You're incompatible and unhappy. Do you really want to be in a completely sexless relationship for the rest of your life?

If you gave him an ultimatum this is how I foresee it going: he will apologise and promise you the earth. Things will improve at first, and he will try hard because he's comfortable with things how they are for whatever reason (eg he's asexual or closeted). Then eventually things will slide back to how they are now, and you'll be feeling just as frustrated and unhappy as you do now but also either trapped with a child that makes it harder to leave or you'll have wasted more of your fertile years as you struggle to conceive because of infrequent sex/the stress of your situation.

Yeah this.

I also think it's completely reckless and irresponsible to have a child with someone you're not happy with. If he doesn't meet your needs then I doubt he'll meet the child's needs.

I'm watching videos on Facebook of 'cooking' while you basically wank him trying to make him hard is one of the most weird disturbing things I've read on here. And you want to bring a child into the mix.

Leave. You're not 40 OP, you're early 30s for Christ sake.
Yet another woman who is 'settling' - we'll see you back here in 2 years trapped with a baby and all posters asking why you didn't leave.

If it was me no I wouldn't threaten leaving and hang around to see if it gets better. Aka waste another year where you could be happy elsewhere and end up pregnant and trapped

Id move on and look for a new partner. You are still young and if your self esteem is low now I hate to imagine how bad it might be post baby. My confidence got massively knocked post children and I feel so blessed that I had an amazing partner to make me feel amazing and pick me back up when I was at my lowest. You deserve this too.

What the actual fuck.

Your poor, poor husband.

'If he’s gay when why won’t he say ? Is he embarresed ? He’s only ever had girlfriends , never been with a man in a relationship . Is he hiding the fact he could be gay and is embarresed ? Why does he not leave me and wants a child with me so much ? Or is he trying to act like a normal man who’s into girls ? , but I have asked him what he thinks of gay men etc and he says it’s gross and it’s so wrong ect , like pride days etc , so why would he be so against it if he’s secretly gay himself'

@Blackeyedcat

Brilliant, let's bring a child up with a homophobic misogynistic father.

Fantastic choice OP, well done.

I guess it depends what you want from this relationship. If what he is offering is OK by you, then fine; if it isn't, then go.

But if you are dissatisfied with the relationship then do not have a child with him.

So how do I start this conversation with my partner ? He probably thinks all is ok still ,obviously because it’s been the same for so long and I haven’t left so he knows Iv settled for it , and he doesn’t have to do any changes , how do I word it , should I message him or talk ? I’m so embarresed to break up because to everyone else , my relationship seems amazing from outside , they would be in stock over these news , and my full family love my partner . They will be so disappointed . I feel like I want to dissapear so I don’t have all these questions of why why why ect … and not to mention , I’ll be literally homeless , I only have my car . I don’t think I’d go back to my parents because it would feel like a failure . I guess I’d have to live in my car for a bit until I save money to move out . But regardless it’s going to be hard as rent prices are so high . I guess I’d be going downhill before rising up again .

You don't! You LEAVE.

Jesus Christ raise your bar. Don't be so irresponsible and add a child into the mix.

I honestly despair sometimes.

It’s not nice to just leave without explanation is it ? When you been with someone for so long they deserve an explainantion ..

You seem to be saying you'd be in a mess financially if you separated now, but what about when you have a baby and split up then? That's inevitable. You'd be in a much worse situation then.

You're only 33. Get out now and focus on getting a new, healthier relationship. You have plenty of time; you don't have to put up with someone treating you like this.

I’ll be literally homeless

Focus on this. Do not have a child now with this man as he will then have all the power as you are dependant on him. What if he leaves you one day ? What if you can't help yourself and cheat due to lack of affection one day and he finds out? What if he changes for the worst once you're pregnant? If you feel trapped now it will be so much worse. Having a baby is so so hard! It isn't all snuggles and cute little outfits. It's sleepless nights, loneliness, damaged bodies etc

I know you say it's just sex that's the issue but the more you post the more it seems like communication is a huge issue. Please just leave and if you don't at least sort out finances so you and your baby aren't homeless when everything actually goes tits up.

I can't argue with your desire for a child as I've read it can become all consuming. Presumably this is intensified by the lack of fulfilment in this area of your relationship.

This man is not a safe bet. His behaviour screams selfish and children, more often than not, put a strain on the most solid relationships. This one already has this big elephant in the middle of it, so doesn't sound like a good environment for a child. If you're happy to go it alone or stand firm in this unfulfilling relationship, carry on.

For all the love and appreciation you're showing, he's watching cooking videos during intercourse. And he is capable of having sex to get the baby he wants, but not to make his partner happy? No thanks.

And if you do stay and have your baby, please do not give up your financial independence, in case you later find yourself up Shit's Creek.

Maybe write it all down in a letter. Give it to him and tell him you would like to have a discussion 30mins later. This gives him time to digest all the information and gives you the chance to be honest about everything without interruption.

The face to face then gives him the opportunity to defend his actions, accept your choice or fight for you etc. You then need the courage to not getting roped back in and tell him it's over, you're moving out on x date.

Yes we do have seperate bank accounts and have never shared our money . We have bills split and that is fair . I do have some savings , I do save money . I always have done . So if I was to be homeless today , I’d have enough to pay somewhere to rent for a bit with my savings . But obviously that won’t go far as I’m having to pay for all .