Would you stay with a guy if he doesn’t show affection or want you sexually ?

[Blackeyedcat]

Hi , thank for reading .
im in bit of a mess at the moment . We are both in early 30’s , together for 7 years . Relationship is great apart from bedroom issues . At the beginning it was great but few years later his desire for me is gone in him . He doesn’t initate , ever . For couple of years now , it’s always me who initates sex or anything romantic . He’s a selfish lover who just wants the act to be over and done with without pleasing me too . He says it’s work stress , tiredness etc .
living together and no kids . Not married .
im so stupid , I think he tricked me from the begging pretending to be someone who he isn’t and I’m even more stupid for staying so long in unhappy sex life . I guess I just got used to rejection from him and no affection . But something clicked in my head few weeks ago thinking this is not right , he’s been to doctors and all hormones are fine so what is it ? :( he doesn’t use porn . I have high sex drive and have been putting up with duty sex twice a month . I can imagine If I told him no sex ever again , he would probably be delighted . I just feel so lonely inside and unwanted . I feel like we are just friends now living together . I asked him why he never initiates sex , he said oh it’s because normally you do it so I don’t have to .!

I think my self esteem is already on the floor . I would say I’m quite a pretty average woman with good body . I am not overweight . I am size 8-10 . I always get guys trying to flirt with me at work and I feel alive and even exited to feel seen and it feels amazing to receive a compliment from a man but ofcourse I don’t react to it because I’m in a relationship . My man never compliments me , ever . :(

As someone who put up with a lot of bullshit on the premise of being safe and financially comfortable - don't. You're settling. Is that all you want for your life, a mediocre relationship? The father of your child shouldn't be someone you're basically using as a sperm donor just because you're worried about time running out. That's unfair on the child.

You asked if we would stay with someone who doesn't act like they love you, won't have sex with you, hell you're not even on the deeds to the house after this amount of time. He's playing you like a fiddle, and you know it. Taking full advantage that he's getting his house paid for in half by you. My ex was the same. Barely touched me, stopped giving a fuck about any of the emotional aspects of a relationship to the point we became like flat mates, and no matter how much I tried to initiate or try and reignite that love and passion he once had for me, it just didn't work. He didn't care. He had someone paying for his half of the house, bills and shopping, and a skivvy to clean up after him.

It's highly dysfunctional and not what you should be settling for in any aspect of your life. You deserve someone who loves you, who wants to have sex (if that's what you want) and go through life together, instead of just trying to hurriedly tick all the boxes of house, kids etc. Yeah, time is short, fertility is shorter, but that should make you want to get out there and find someone who actually gives a damn. Not this guy, who obviously isn't the right person for you judging by what you've said.

Don't have children with this man, for all of your sake. Assess whether you can live without having good sex or physical affection in your life. If not, move on. It will be shit and difficult, but in the long run it's worth it. Read into the sunk cost fallacy, that's what you're facing right now. I did it myself, put off leaving for years because I was scared of leaving the comfort of what was essentially an abusive relationship because it was familiar. Lost my home, lost my friends, but my family welcome me back with open arms. Now I'm thriving. Doing everything I wanted to do because I decided enough was enough, and going by what you've written here, you should do the same. Stop making excuses and just do it if it's what you desire.

I never say this and heartily eye roll at the frequent implication on here that any man who isn't up for it at the drop of a hat is gay, but... my radar is pinging "gay" hard on this one. The extent to which he has to "zone out" to have sex with you, the lack of interest in your body, the protesting too much about being a "manly man"...

Why did you ever put up with this? Didn't you feel you deserved better? Just leave. You are young enough to start again and have a family and things will only get worse if you bring a child into this mess.

If he’s gay when why won’t he say ? Is he embarresed ? He’s only ever had girlfriends , never been with a man in a relationship . Is he hiding the fact he could be gay and is embarresed ? Why does he not leave me and wants a child with me so much ? Or is he trying to act like a normal man who’s into girls ? , but I have asked him what he thinks of gay men etc and he says it’s gross and it’s so wrong ect , like pride days etc , so why would he be so against it if he’s secretly gay himself …

Well the whole 'gross and wrong' thing is absolutely classic closeted gay man, for starters...

If he is closeted, only he knows why. There are lots of reasons why men still live this way. Family pressure, internalised shame, wanting the "traditional" life, wanting kids and thinking this is their way to do it...

Gay people can be homophobic. It's not impossible. But I don't think that's the case here. Not being interested in a woman physically does not mean someone is gay. Just sounds to me like he's checked out. My ex did the same even though I lost weight and got in better shape during our relationship. It just happens sometimes.

the first 3 years it was great in bedroom, nothing to complain about really , I wouldn’t say totally amazing but it felt like he actually enjoyed it and was involved in the act without his phone or distractions , it’s the last few years that has been a major problem for him . No interest in me or my body whatsoever , no compliments , no kissing . Obviously if I asked for a kiss or a cuddle , he would do it for me . But he wouldn’t come up to me and do it himself .

I couldn't live like that. Me and DP can't get it on as often as we'd like due to small kids and it's driving us mad!

So happy for you but so sad for me to know we have all the time in the world on weekend , after work ect , no kids involved and he’s always tired or work stress ect so no time , I guess if we had a child it would be less than a 0 chance of any more sex .

I would think about calling it a day with this one sadly :( you deserve better x

But what really confuses me is that he tells me every day he loves me and misses me while I am at work and sends cute messages to brighten my day up . But his actions don’t match the messages and I’m so confused.. does he love me as a friend and miss me as a friend ?!
we always hold hands in public , so he isn’t embarrassed by any of this stuff . He comes for some cuddles on the couch . Gives me a quick kiss , doesn’t push me away when I need a cuddle ect . But again any of this doesn’t feel very meaningful .

At 33 you are still young. You have time to find someone and have children. You deserve so much more.

I'd also say cooking food, housework, buying food treats etc doesn't chime with his not being romantic because he's a manly man. He's lying to himself and you probably.

Please don't saddle yourself to this man by getting pregnant! Leave and find someone who adores and desires you.

I think I really would if I was younger and had lots of time left fertility wise . If I was 25 right now and this situation I’d leave . I’m scared of missing out being a mum one day and everyone I know has children or already on number 3 and I have none and I feel left behind in life already . I’m scared of becoming depressed if I leave and my plan doesn’t go to plan how I expected it to , ( find someone new and have a baby with them )

@Blackeyedcat My Gaydar is going off on this one as well.

There are many married” so say heterosexual “ men who have sex with men.

So you are using him for his house and a child- you say “ he will be a great dad” but you don’t know that.

No one can tell in advance what kind of parent they will be.

The man looking at videos while you twiddle around with his flaccid penis sounds very desperate.

Please don’t bring a child into this unhealthy situation.

Start anew.

Life as a single parent is TOUGH on child and mother.

This with bells on

The fact he had an issue with gays is a red flag. Also why would you want a child with someone who is homophobic? He does sound classic repressed gay. He has to tell himself it's gross because he is embarrassed about his true desires.

Having girlfriends means nothing. His placid cock and lack of affection for you says otherwise.

Also his whole manly man thing is odd. Again like he has this image he wants to keep. Wanting to give your girlfriend pleasure, giving her compliments, touching throughout the day, kisses etc are all 'manly'.

Has he lived through sexual abuse in his past , a traumatic childhood experience ? It sounds like he's needing to dissociate ( watching phone) in order to get arroused. Aspects of this resonated with me. As a child abuse survivor, sex can become really complicated emotionally and difficult to understand. Avoidance feels like the easiest option.

Don't you understand how AWFUL this is??? Why have you never said anything? Do you just carry on sadly wanking while he ignores you to watch cooking videos?

@Blackeyedcat
Finding Gayness “ wrong” is so often a sign of a closeted gay man.

I had my daughter at 40, and know lots of people who have kids way into their 40s. You're young!

Imagine having his daughter, and her ending up in a miserable relationship being treated like a housemate because that's what you've taught her to do.

Please leave him OP, this is no way to live, it sounds soul destroying. For whatever reason he is not attracted to you and has to distract himself by zoning out with videos, or disassociate, in order to manage even the briefest sexual contact. As you know this is awful for your self esteem and will only get worse.
You are young enough to start again. Be brave, leave and rent your own place and start dating. You still have time to meet someone and start a family, and you have the option to check your fertility levels and freeze your eggs as a precaution. Set yourself free, this current situation sounds utterly miserable and dysfunctional.

I don’t think he has , not that I know of . But I don’t understand , he wasn’t like this for the first few a years … if he was abused , wouldn’t he be on his phone from the beginning ? he didn’t look at his phone at all ,we just had so much fun , it felt genuine and meaningful , I feel now it just out of boredom He does it .

33 is young!!!! You have time to meet someone else and have a baby! Am only having DS 2 at 37 xx

@Blackeyedcat One of my male gat friends was married to a woman.
Thankfully for the both of them they divorced ( very painfully) but his ex wife now has a child.

He said it took him a while to come to terms with his Gayness. ( Family pressure).

What if I gave him another chance and said something seriously needs to change otherwise I’m leaving ? Iv never mentioned leaving before , just being unhappy , do you think he could change or would it just be plain akward knowing he’s having to force himself to do it because I asked him to . Obviously it’s going to feel so fake because that’s not him ? If he really wanted to , he would do it now without me having to beg him to be intimate with me.. I guess I’ll never feel truly wanted by him the way it naturally would .