Would you stay with a guy if he doesn’t show affection or want you sexually ?

[Blackeyedcat]

Hi , thank for reading .
im in bit of a mess at the moment . We are both in early 30’s , together for 7 years . Relationship is great apart from bedroom issues . At the beginning it was great but few years later his desire for me is gone in him . He doesn’t initate , ever . For couple of years now , it’s always me who initates sex or anything romantic . He’s a selfish lover who just wants the act to be over and done with without pleasing me too . He says it’s work stress , tiredness etc .
living together and no kids . Not married .
im so stupid , I think he tricked me from the begging pretending to be someone who he isn’t and I’m even more stupid for staying so long in unhappy sex life . I guess I just got used to rejection from him and no affection . But something clicked in my head few weeks ago thinking this is not right , he’s been to doctors and all hormones are fine so what is it ? :( he doesn’t use porn . I have high sex drive and have been putting up with duty sex twice a month . I can imagine If I told him no sex ever again , he would probably be delighted . I just feel so lonely inside and unwanted . I feel like we are just friends now living together . I asked him why he never initiates sex , he said oh it’s because normally you do it so I don’t have to .!

My first thought was repressed gay man playing happy families for the outside world.

Sounds like you don't care based on the open relationship thing. Please discuss this first before bringing a child into the world

We don’t own the house jointly , it’s his . I pay my half of the bills and always have done . We don’t want to get married , never have done , even if my relationship was perfect , marriage is not for me personally and he’s not bothered either .
I guess I’m scared of missing out on ever having a child , so that’s why I prefer having a child with him because we have been together so long and I know he’s a good person and a man in other ways . And he’d be a good dad too for sure .
i guess if I got pregnant , I would be mentally putting my ducks in a row and start saving money to move out once pregnant and still working . So realistically I’d be staying for few more years for the child and to save money working overtime ect so that I could finally be independent somehow . I’m sure I’d make it work either way living on my own somehow , with or without the child if it doesn’t happen .

I do care , that’s why I’m at this point of not knowing if I should leave or stay .
the reason I’d be asking for an open relationship is because I’d still want my needs met , but I also want to have a child with him , as we are getting older and I’d risk never having one if I leave . Obviously I wish my relationship was different , where I was loved and wanted and then have a family , but this isn’t the case . He doesn’t want me sexually , he pretends like he does but I can tell he isn’t into sex as he pays no attention to the act itself , he doesn’t seem to be enjoying it or concentrating on pleasing each other , he watches Facebook videos on the phone while me trying to get him hard enough through foreplay and then he sticks it in ready to finish 5 minutes later , no fun for me personally from him . maybe he is gay ? How would I ever know ? Sorry it’s so embarrising to write it down 😳

Videos of what on Facebook? I mean this indicates he needs external visuals of something else to get hard.

I was more getting at would it matter if he was gay or not? It sounds like your at the point of using him as a sperm donor (that isn't to say he isn't using you also). So I guess long term are you happy with 50/50 custody or would you rather try using an actual sperm donor and having guaranteed 100 custody. I don't think you're thinking the dynamics of having a child through long term if one of you met someone else.

This is one of those cases where you read the title and think "no," then read the text and say "hell no." You are fortunate that you aren't already pregnant. You are settling.

Just videos of random stuff whatever pops up , cooking videos anything , it’s like he’s disconnected for the first 15 mins !
and yes it would bother me a lot to find out he’s gay , because obviously he lied to me then from the beginning . He says it’s work stress so ..
and I would rather have him to father my child and have 50/50 custody as I don’t know how I’d feel about having a donor sperm and not knowing the person personally . I’d like the child to have a father in their life . So 50/50 would work for me if it means child has 2 parents .

'There's always ivf'. You realise that the majority of cycles don't work, the cost is astronomical and the mental toll can be catastrophic. It's not an easy fix.

I just don’t know what to do , we have a beautiful life , no stress money wise living together , it’s just that we aren’t romantically connected because he doesn’t see it as a problem and doesn’t do anything about it . He thinks sex once a month is enough . And that comes after me initating it , and no the quality isn’t better . I so desire to feel important to someone and feel loved and wanted but he can’t provide this by the looks of it .
you might ask , why did you put up with this for so long ? It’s because I have initiated every time for years and somehow it was manageable at the time , but something made me realise that I want more in life .

I'm sorry OP, but this is nuts....

He watches Facebook videos while you wank him to the point of being hard enough to stick it in for 5mins? WTAF have I just read, that's disturbing.

And you're considering conceiving a child with this person? This person that you're obviously very unhappy with?

You're not that old, give yourself a shake for gods sake, leave this relationship and find one where there is at least some sort of chemistry and mutual respect. You still have time to meet someone new and have a child.

Well it sounds like he isn't attached to you currently if he is watching random videos and disconnecting. This must be really horrible for you so sorry you've felt trapped and like you have to put up with this. I mean I think I would have lost all sex drive for my partner after doing this just once. Whether that makes him gay is obviously a leap but something I'd be exploring if it is a deal breaker.

Does he want a baby? Or is it you pushing it? I feel for you as I can tell you know this isn't a healthy relationship but are getting stressed about your biological clock and that must be such a hard choice. If he is keen on a baby you'll probably be ok through the baby/toddler phase as you'll be distracted and it's likely you will have no sex drive. It's the decades after you need to plan for

How is the relationship apart from your sex life? Is he generally loving, etc?

If the relationship is strong except this then you could look into sex therapy. If he's physically fine, chatting with a professional might help you both and help him to understand how hard it is for you and how it makes you feel. Mismatched sex drives are tough.

If there's other issues then you potentially need to think about leaving. You should be happy, life is too short.

Do you really want an open relationship? Or do you want a loving partner to share you life with who wants to shag your brains out too? Plenty of those about.

Time to find out what's out there.

Hi , thank for your reply ! And yes he very very much wants a child , that’s probably why he is willing to time sex on the right times of the month as he knows it’s important . Because we don’t have regular sex so it has to be timed correctly .
if he isn’t attracted to me , why won’t he say ? Iv asked him this and he says he very much is but it’s work stress and that’s why he’s got low sex drive . So what now ? He won’t do anything about this situation to make it better

So you're thinking of trapping yourself further in an unfulfilling relationship, in a lifestyle you're loathe to leave as you cannot afford it by yourself, with a man who is at best utterly selfish?

This .makes no sense. Please, do not force this on a child.

Stop fooling yourself into believing you're more likely to leave when you're pregnant or with child, than when you're a single, able-bodied and employed woman. Children make leaving harder. And don't use him to give you a baby, then leave with said baby/child.

Yes relationship is great in every other aspect , it really is , he cares for me in other ways , cooks for me , cleans ect , buys me nice food and treats to eat .
he just isn’t affectionate , he says because he’s a man’s man and doesn’t do these girly stuff . Like obsessing over a girl with compliments ect and showering a girl with gifts and cuddles .
he does cuddle me few times a week and peck on the cheek before and after work and that’s the most I get affection wise . But it never feels meaningful if you know what I mean , maybe because we aren’t connected sexually deeply …

Guessing he wouldn't tell you because he doesn't want to upset you and wants a baby. Actions speak louder than words and watching videos whilst being intimate would indicate not. Maybe he is extremely stressed and this is causing it but if you were that stressed would you be desperate for a baby? I think you are in denial about him not fancying you because your so desperate for a baby.

I guess you need to get the bottom of why he doesn't want to do anything about the situation. Does he know how much it upsets you?

You sound like me but in reverse, OP. I lost all desire for my husband when I was in my late 20s. He's absolutely fine, nothing wrong with him, I'm just not attracted to him. I stayed because I felt the clock ticking, we had a lovely house in my dream location and a generally nice life. We have two children now and I do feel sad sometimes. My life is perfect apart from that. I do give "duty sex" at least once a week, which I actually end up enjoying most times because I have a drink and pretend he's someone else but it's depressing. I don't know if I would have been happier giving up my nice life and starting again. I think probably not.

I do get what you mean but I am 33 years old and if I leave , I’ll risk of never having a child and I feel like I invested too much time into this relationship not to have a child . He very much wants one and so do i , and if I leave and never have a child because I didn’t find anyone , I’d regret it for the rest of my life thinking grass was greener on the other side ..

Do not get pregnant by this selfish man. He's a friend you have to virtually force to have sex with you. He doesn't even bother to pleasure you. You are still so young. If you leave it longer and get miraculously pregnant you will get trapped. Leave now and look for a good lover who will enjoy pleasing you in bed. If you were 60 you might not mind so much.

He said that if we had a child he would leave his stressful job as soon as possible to spend the time with the child . And he confuses me sometimes , he talks about the future with me in it , all the things we will do in future so it doesn’t seem like he doesn’t want me in his future ?🤐he knows it upsets me but he says yeah I know, if I left my stressful job it would probably help my low sex drive but then again he won’t ever leave his job at the end of the day , only time he would actually leave is if we did have a baby .

Given the circumstances you are a total fool to have lived like this for years, paying half bills, actively assisting him to pay off his mortgage, while you have no claim to the house whatsoever. If you haven't managed to save a lump sum so far, you are being pie in the sky about being able to save once a parent. The more you do overtime ( you won't as full time will be tiring enough with a DC) the more childcare you will pay. In fact I predict that he will leave the bulk of the cost of child-rearing to you. How do I know this? Because if he cared and wanted to share what he has, you'd already be on the deeds by now.
You can claim glibly that marriage isn't for you, but the purpose of it is just about sharing everything. There's nothing cool about him not wanting to share while you have a child together. You don't have to take his name, you can say your own vows, you can do a quick one down the register office. What it gives is financial protection.
He simply has it made, is sitting pretty and doesn't want to share at all, if he did he would have put your name on the deeds to the house. In fact you should insist this occurs before having a DC, how have you even let him own it outright if been together for years? If he won't put you on the deeds after paying towards it for years, that proves his ' no need to marry' is all about keeping what he has, just for him. Not an attitude that is workable with family.
The lack of interest you've shown in protecting the future welfare of yourself and any DC's is astounding up to now. You will be wide open to further financial abuse, once you have a DC, he can ensure you are in a position to never have money to leave him - heck, he's already ensured that hasn't he. You aren't leaving as you can't afford it now.

Walk away. Please.

He's not a stud pony with his own stable, you know.

Maybe he can tell you're planning on using him for his sperm and then his home and income before fucking off with his future kid? Can't see that doing much for his libido.

I don’t see how he can predict this when all I do is show him love and appreciation ? I have never shown him a reason to doubt that I wanted to leave . Yes Iv said I’m unhappy about our sex life but this problem comes from him not me .

Please don't bring a child into this miserable situation!

Having a partner who isn't attracted to you sexually will erode your confidence & self esteem.

Leave him. You are simply incompatible.