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Original poster

To want him to cook for me proactively?

86 replies

Prittle · 17/08/2024 13:33

It’s a bit of a running joke how bad dp is in the kitchen. He has lots of good qualities but I get the vibe his mum did all this growing up and the joke is that he didn’t know to make coffee when he left home…

I would caveat all of this by saying that when has followed recipes and cooked for me, they have been very good, but this is maybe four times in our whole 2 year relationship.

we recently visited a friend of his who is a dab hand in the kitchen and takes a real interest in food. Dp also loves food but this seems to extend to going out for posh meals and being cooked for by me. It’s a huge way I show my love to family and friends and means a lot to me - buying food, cooking it and sharing it.

I have mentioned to him quite a few times how much it would mean if he cooked me a delicious meal from scratch. I do this most nights whereas when he cooks maybe once or twice a week it will be putting something frozen into the air fryer.

we have some other issues in our relationship which are giving me doubts (nothing bad, just incompatibilities) and this is starting to build up more and more in my mind. I would just love to be with someone who would proactively show their love for me by cooking for me and making me delicious food without being asked!!

today for example, I made a weekend brunch out of everything we had in the fridge and all the trimmings. If he had to do that there would be constant questions about where stuff was / how to cook it / what neeeded to be done next. Whereas I know tbere are some other people who would just be able to whip something up no questions asked and this is what would be so attractive to me.

am I unkind for wanting this and is it ridiculous?

OP posts:
Peonies12 · 17/08/2024 14:00

You just have different priorities. My DH just isn’t that interested or motivated to cook, whereas I am. So I do most of the cooking and he does the washing up, cleaning etc. works for us. It’s not his fault he’s not been brought up learning to cook. I think you’re making a big deal over this

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 17/08/2024 14:03

there is no right or wrong here. It's not unreasonable that this is something you want. And you've specifically told him this so it's not even like you're expecting him to read your mind.

It's also not unreasonable that this is something he just can't/doesn't want to do.

So what it comes down to is whether this is a deal breaker for you. is this something that makes you feel unloved and unvalued? Is it a sign of a bigger lack of consideration for you? or is this just one specific thing that is more about you than it is about him?

Then you decide if this relationship is a keeper or not.

Original poster
Prittle · 17/08/2024 14:08

It probably is just an unreasonable expectation on my part but I do feel a bit taken for granted that I am chief cook and in charge of (without bragging) making really really good meals from scratch 90% of the time. I think because it’s how I show my love to others it would mean a lot if I got it back in a similar way. Also I have mentioned it a few times. He mentioned that in his single days he was considering signing up to a cooking course but that’s fallen by the wayside now. It does make me feel a bit taken for granted / like his mother if I’m honest.

a lot of my friends and close family have male partners who are dab hands in the kitchen and it’s something I would really like him to show an interest in if I’m honest. As I say we do have other issues so it wouldn’t be a case of leaving over this. We have different life priorities as well and although I get the impression he really doesn’t want to break up, I can’t personally see a way back.

OP posts:
Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 17/08/2024 14:11

Could you buy him a cooking course for Christmas? Even just a one-day thing? It might give him the confidence to try more things (or at least cook those things he learned to do on the course over and over and over until you're sick of them). Or it might show him that he really hates cooking and he's never going to be the conjurer of impromptu delicacies that you would like him to be. I'm sure he shows his love for you in other ways though.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2024 14:15

we have some other issues in our relationship which are giving me doubts (nothing bad, just incompatibilities)

Op, you need to end it.

We have different life priorities as well

Seriously, please do not invest any more time in a relationship that you already know isn't going to go the distance. Stop avoiding the inevitable. His lack of cooking skills is clearly the very least of your issues.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 17/08/2024 14:16

I am married to a man who is 100% uninterested in food and cooking. I love food and cooking and it is absolutely how I show my love. A long time ago, I realised that I did not need him to be interested. I did need him to appreciate what I do - which he 100% does - but I couldn't force him to be interested.

Having said that, we agreed very early on that he needed to be able and willing to step up when I wasn't up for it even if that is just sticking something in the oven or whatever. And he never expects me to be producing great meals. If I served beans on toast 5 nights in a row he wouldn't complain for one second.

But if that is NOT how you want to live your life, that's fine. Then you should break up.

LilacRaven · 17/08/2024 14:17

My husband is the same. I know he can cook a meal from scratch if he follows a recipe but he would also just eat beans on toast every night to not have to cook.

Whilst I would love him to cook more he makes me feel appreciated in other ways. Will chat to me whilst I cook (not just watch TV and ignore me), he will wash up etc

If he was all around lazy then it would be an issue.

FriendsDrinkBook · 17/08/2024 14:17

It sounds like you've decided that you're done op. And that's fine. The food thing seems like one of many.

And yes , it would annoy me if my partner couldn't cook independently. It's an essential life skill. My grown up son can't/won't cook despite our efforts to show him. Thankfully he has found a gf that also happily lives off of dried things in pots and takeaway food.

WallaceinAnderland · 17/08/2024 14:18

He should be routinely cooking more often. Maybe he could do 3 evening meals, you could do 3 and then one night you cook together trying a new recipe. That way he will become more confident.

outdamnedspots · 17/08/2024 14:20

There are 365 days in the year. That's a lot of meals for you to plan yourself.

Buy him cooking lessons. Or buy him a cookbook.

SeaToSki · 17/08/2024 14:20

It sounds like you have different love languages. How does he like to receive love?

Is there something else that he is good at and loves doing that evens out a bit your contribution of cooking? Good partnerships dont necessarily have both people with the same skill set and interests

SauviGone · 17/08/2024 14:21

when has followed recipes and cooked for me, they have been very good

I have mentioned to him quite a few times how much it would mean if he cooked me a delicious meal from scratch

So he can cook.

And you’ve communicated very clearly and several times how much it would mean to you, if he made some effort now and then to cook for you.

Ultimately it comes down to the fact that he does not care that it means anything to you. He just cannot be arsed making the effort to do something he knows unequivocally that you would really like him to do.

There is no other explanation.

Turophilic · 17/08/2024 14:23

If there are ongoing issues and you have different life priorities, just cut your losses. There’s no point wasting months or years of both your lives in a relationship that ultimately can’t go anywhere.

I know this isn’t the crux of the issue with him, but it is what you asked about - Some people just don’t have the whole “cooking is love” thing. If that’s something important to you, accept that you need to move on, because it’s very much not important to him.

Original poster
Prittle · 17/08/2024 14:24

Thank you! Yes!

he’s very kind and loving and affectionate. He also does more of the cleaning. Neither of us are good at DIY. Those are the key things I can think of really in terms of what we “bring to the table”. He is amazing at emotional support and reassurance too. I do try to be that person back to him but he needs it a lot less. I am very grateful that he is there for me.

yes it hurts that I have asked him a few times and he hasn’t done it. When we see his mum the vibe is very much sit down and be served. Ofc I offer to help but I have noticed that as a lovely as his dad is, he washes up but is served food and drink from the sofa. It’s not the life or relationship I want 😭

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 17/08/2024 14:27

The longer you stay the more this will irritate you, he IS taking you for granted and you've already communicated you would like it if he did XYZ and he hasn't made any moves to because he has probably allocated this as YOUR job now even though he enjoys food he isn't willing to make the effort to learn.

Imagine you're sick or post partumn and want a fresh, decent meal made and he's still like this.... getting nuggets and oven chips on a plate for you.

Nourishment is caring, it's fundamental to life, don't settle for someone like this.

Sinderalla · 17/08/2024 14:28

Cooking is for you, it's not for him & that's ok.

Sinderalla · 17/08/2024 14:30

Prittle · 17/08/2024 14:08

It probably is just an unreasonable expectation on my part but I do feel a bit taken for granted that I am chief cook and in charge of (without bragging) making really really good meals from scratch 90% of the time. I think because it’s how I show my love to others it would mean a lot if I got it back in a similar way. Also I have mentioned it a few times. He mentioned that in his single days he was considering signing up to a cooking course but that’s fallen by the wayside now. It does make me feel a bit taken for granted / like his mother if I’m honest.

a lot of my friends and close family have male partners who are dab hands in the kitchen and it’s something I would really like him to show an interest in if I’m honest. As I say we do have other issues so it wouldn’t be a case of leaving over this. We have different life priorities as well and although I get the impression he really doesn’t want to break up, I can’t personally see a way back.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to - doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have x

Sinderalla · 17/08/2024 14:31

@Prittle
Birthday or Christmas present, cooking course 👌

Guavafish1 · 17/08/2024 14:32

Let him go… it only get worse… especially if you have children together

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2024 14:33

When we see his mum the vibe is very much sit down and be served.

What does he have to say about this? You've talked to him about this dynamic I assume.

wrongthinker · 17/08/2024 14:35

What if he took you out for dinner or bought you nice takeaways or ready made food? For someone who can't cook, it's a bit much to be expected to whip up a delicious meal from scratch, but you could get him a basic recipe book (Delia is good) and ask him to make one thing out of it every week and maybe provide another meal on another night that's either cooked or provided by him.

I think there's lots of room for compromise.

Of course you can end a relationship for any reason, but lots of men who are good at cooking are absolute arseholes, so it's a strange thing to specifically seek out in a partner, imo.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/08/2024 14:36

He's happy to take good food from you, to benefit from your labour of cooking with effort but not willing to do the same in return.

He's also not listened to you communicating how much you'd like him to make a nicer meal, the equivalent of what you do for him.

His parents will be the model for what he finds acceptable, find a man that likes cooking op, it's a long life to live being the only one making yummy food for the both of you.

SauviGone · 17/08/2024 14:39

wrongthinker · 17/08/2024 14:35

What if he took you out for dinner or bought you nice takeaways or ready made food? For someone who can't cook, it's a bit much to be expected to whip up a delicious meal from scratch, but you could get him a basic recipe book (Delia is good) and ask him to make one thing out of it every week and maybe provide another meal on another night that's either cooked or provided by him.

I think there's lots of room for compromise.

Of course you can end a relationship for any reason, but lots of men who are good at cooking are absolute arseholes, so it's a strange thing to specifically seek out in a partner, imo.

Did you even read the OP?

He can cook. He can follow a recipe and produce a nice meal.

He just won’t.

He thinks cooking 4 meals in 2 years is enough.

Original poster
Prittle · 17/08/2024 14:41

TomatoSandwiches · 17/08/2024 14:36

He's happy to take good food from you, to benefit from your labour of cooking with effort but not willing to do the same in return.

He's also not listened to you communicating how much you'd like him to make a nicer meal, the equivalent of what you do for him.

His parents will be the model for what he finds acceptable, find a man that likes cooking op, it's a long life to live being the only one making yummy food for the both of you.

Wow this bit has really summed it up for me!!

His parents will be the model for what he finds acceptable, find a man that likes cooking op, it's a long life to live being the only one making yummy food for the both of you.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2024 14:45

TomatoSandwiches · 17/08/2024 14:36

He's happy to take good food from you, to benefit from your labour of cooking with effort but not willing to do the same in return.

He's also not listened to you communicating how much you'd like him to make a nicer meal, the equivalent of what you do for him.

His parents will be the model for what he finds acceptable, find a man that likes cooking op, it's a long life to live being the only one making yummy food for the both of you.

Perhaps he considers the extra cleaning he does as balance for the cooking - he does cook more than four times a year but it's easy prep freezer food - along with all the emotional support Op says he gives.

He clearly doesn't enjoy cooking.

Expecting someone you love to do something they don't enjoy to show how much they love you is, frankly, odd.

However OP can want to be with someone who enjoys cooking and thus is within her rights to dump him